Ex contacted me today

[Grinder88]

So after a final goodbye text of me pouring my heart out and getting no response from her I've been no contact for maybe 3 months now and out of the blue the other day she texts to ask how I'm doing it was dumbfounded the way it was left in thought I'd never hear from her again. I responded because well I still love her. We made small talk and she tells me to not be a stranger. Next night I get an "accidental" text we talk about little more and now she is adding me on Friday and liking my posts. Does anyone else agree it seems she is trying to take steps to reconnect? I'm willing to, she's 23 im 25 we dated for almost 4 years. It's been 5 days since we last spoke I plan on striking up a convo today or tomorrow and straight up asking why she decided to text me. And if it's not because she missed me and us I'm going to have to tell her it's best if we go back to being strangers because losing her really messed me up and I was just getting off the meds

 

Any advice or comments?

[singme2sleep]

Why did the relationship end?

[TaraMaiden2]

I guarantee you it will be because SHE thinks enough time has passed and she thinks it would be great if you could now be friends.

 

She's friend-zoning you. She has absolutely no intention of getting back together with you. She just tested the waters, threw the bait, and you grabbed at it.

[Grinder88]

We we're moving in together I got scared told her. That meant I didn't love her she couldn't trust me then she moved 2.5 hours away

[TaraMaiden2]

In that case, yes, she's DEFINITELY just being friendly.

 

ETA: If she still lives 2.5 hours away, she's hardly going to rekindle a relationship, which would be an LDR with an apparent commitment-phobe, is he?

[Grinder88]

Yeah but I think she knows I'm moving to a town not to far from her for work.

That's why I'm gonna give that ultimatum either there's a future between us or get out of my life

[dyna85]

All I know is the one time I got a text from an ex telling me not to be a stranger, it did not end well and he just trashed my heart more and more... it was like he needed validation that I still cared, and once he got that (silly me), it was even further downhill for me.

 

Such a lovely lesson that was to never take that bait ever again. It's all about their ego needing some positive reinforcement. The fact that you poured your heart out and got no response and then MONTHS go by and she sends you a one liner as if nothing happened is bad news.

 

If you poured your heart out AND were ignored, the very least you deserve is an apology.

 

This person has not taken accountability for the way she treated you. Remember how it felt to be ignored for 3 months. Don't let her weasel her way back in that easily. It's not right and you need to protect yourself and your heart.

 

I know it's hard because your heart says one thing while your mind says another, but you need to be smart about this for the sake of your emotional well being.

 

Actions speak louder than words and thus far, her actions speak to the fact that your ex is very selfish and not worthy of contemplation. Keep doing what you were doing before she contacted you.

 

The fact that she could toss you aside because you expressed your fear of moving in together shows that she has communication issues and can't handle conflict. You should be able to voice concerns and fears in a relationship and deserve someone who won't run away merely because you're fearful.

 

Your actions are showing her that she can treat you like your feelings don't matter and you will still accept her with open arms. She doesn't deserve this. She's also playing with your emotions to your detriment by popping up and pulling at your heartstrings just a bit more, while there is no clear indication that she wants what you want.

 

I do not think you should give her an ultimatum. You will be sorely disappointed. You can do as you wish, but this does not bode well, based on what happened thus far and drawing on past experience. Sounds like she just needs some more validation and poof, she'll be gone once again.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yeah but I think she knows I'm moving to a town not to far from her for work.

 

 

How does she know?

Who would have told her?

 

That's keeping tabs on you.... I don't find that a particularly healthy attitude....

 

That's why I'm gonna give that ultimatum either there's a future between us or get out of my life

No, don't.

Don't contact her, don't speak to her, don't clarify, don't discuss anything don't give ultimatums.

She dumped you.

You're in no position to give ultimatums.

 

Make no contact whatsoever.

If she really, REALLY wants you back in her life, she will make the next effort.

 

IF she does - and only, if - then you can ask her what the motive is for contacting you. Is it to just be friends, or does she want to explore the idea of trying again?

 

If (as I suspect) it's because she now thinks it's ok to be friends, tell her that you aren't at that place yet, and please not to contact you again.

 

THAT'S IT.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Hang up and abandon any wish or desire to see this get to another level.

 

I'm serious.

Do anything else, and I guarantee, you'll just get your heart broken all over again.

[mtnbiker3000]

That's why I'm gonna give that ultimatum either there's a future between us or get out of my life

 

Ultimatum? You are in no position to giver HER an ultimatum.

 

Rather, give yourself an ultimatum!!

[BC1980]

All I know is the one time I got a text from an ex telling me not to be a stranger, it did not end well and he just trashed my heart more and more... it was like he needed validation that I still cared, and once he got that (silly me), it was even further downhill for me.

 

It must be something with that phrase. The last time I saw my ex, he told me "don't be a stranger. Keep in contact." Then, he proceeded to get some stuff out of his car that belonged to me. He gave me the stuff and drove off. I was so humiliated because he had invited me out to lunch to catch up. I think he used it as a ruse to return my stuff and just to see if I still mattered to him. I think that phrase is their way of being the good guy. They are saying, "see, I told my ex that I was open to friendship. So I must be a good person since I didn't cut them off at the knees and disappear."

 

To the OP, there is no way she is looking to reconcile. She just sent a feeler out to see where she stands with you, and she hopes it's on good terms.

[dyna85]

It must be something with that phrase. The last time I saw my ex, he told me "don't be a stranger. Keep in contact." Then, he proceeded to get some stuff out of his car that belonged to me. He gave me the stuff and drove off. I was so humiliated because he had invited me out to lunch to catch up. I think he used it as a ruse to return my stuff and just to see if I still mattered to him. I think that phrase is their way of being the good guy. They are saying, "see, I told my ex that I was open to friendship. So I must be a good person since I didn't cut them off at the knees and disappear."

 

Yes! Oh my gosh. This is so true. I felt the humiliation too. It's such a ruse.

My 1st ex who did this proceeded to lure me in for the kill too. We hung out a few times after, and he invited me on this trip and later told me I couldn't go and he would invite me out and then he would go distant and then ultimately I told him I couldn't take just being just friends and he was like 'fine, I don't care!' in such a cold/harsh manner, and it was so hurtful. Here, if he had left me alone permanently, I never would have endured the additional pain of this facade of friendship and being strung along.

 

If he would have just let me be, I would never have felt the humiliation I now feel, looking back. Yet, it's shaped me to be the person I am and I thank God that he freed me from the loser.

 

You are far better off too, but it is quite frustrating looking back, I know. Ughhh. That is messed up of your ex. Having read your backstory, it was a huge blessing for you to be freed from your ex too. You are way too empathetic & self-aware for someone like him.

 

To the OP, there is no way she is looking to reconcile. She just sent a feeler out to see where she stands with you, and she hopes it's on good terms.

 

Exactly. And, she wants comfort in knowing he still cares. It's all about her.

 

My 2 cents is to keep tight lipped and cut your losses. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have deleted that stupid text saying 'you know, you don't have to be a stranger' a few weeks after my first heartbreak, in college.

 

I've come a long way since then and I see through that phrase now.

 

This person doesn't deserve your care.

 

How a person leaves you says a lot about him/her. Think about how she left you. High & dry.

 

There are a million women in this world, and you're gonna settle for this unsympathetic & selfish ingrate? Don't do it!!!

Edited October 11, 2015 by dyna85

[Xidion]

Here is my advice, and this is the advice of a life coach.

 

If she is reaching out, you assume it's because she wants to see you. If she texts you, tell her it's good to hear from her, that you've missed her and invite her over. Set a definite date. If she isn't sure, you say, well it was great hearing from you, but I've gotta run. Ttyl!.

 

Then you don't text her. You wait for HER to initiate contact EVERY time. Next time she reaches out, you do the same. Try to set a definite date to meet up. If she declines or is hesitant. He do the same thing.. hey, it was great hearing from you, but i've got to run. You don't give her the time of day at all if she isn't going to put the effort in.

 

Never initiate contact first and only invite her to see you twice.. after that, you don't invite her again.. she would eventually get the hint. If she calls, make sure the call is 2-3 minutes max and the same thing.. "was great hearing from you, but I'm really busy. Talk to you later!"

 

The idea is that you show her that if she isn't going to make an effort, she isn't going to be priviledged with your time. Otherwise, texting her a lot will be good enough for her.

 

Watch these 2 videos. This will teach you how to handle the situation properly.

 

 

 

Good luck.

[dyna85]

Here is my advice, and this is the advice of a life coach.

 

If she is reaching out, you assume it's because she wants to see you. If she texts you, tell her it's good to hear from her, that you've missed her and invite her over. Set a definite date. If she isn't sure, you say, well it was great hearing from you, but I've gotta run. Ttyl!.

 

Then you don't text her. You wait for HER to initiate contact EVERY time. Next time she reaches out, you do the same. Try to set a definite date to meet up. If she declines or is hesitant. He do the same thing.. hey, it was great hearing from you, but i've got to run. You don't give her the time of day at all if she isn't going to put the effort in.

 

Never initiate contact first and only invite her to see you twice.. after that, you don't invite her again.. she would eventually get the hint. If she calls, make sure the call is 2-3 minutes max and the same thing.. "was great hearing from you, but I'm really busy. Talk to you later!"

 

The idea is that you show her that if she isn't going to make an effort, she isn't going to be priviledged with your time. Otherwise, texting her a lot will be good enough for her.

 

Watch these 2 videos. This will teach you how to handle the situation properly.

 

 

 

Good luck.

 

I think that is good advice if you're dating someone and the person is a bit uncertain, but there's been no line drawn in the sand. In this case, he was broken up with in a harsh manner and his ex proceeded to completely disregard a message in which he poured out his heart. She not only resurfaces after a rather significant lapse in time but she still doesn't acknowledge the heartfelt message. She did a lot of damage here and I don't think it's in the OP's best interest to invite her to meet. That would be her responsibility given how she trampled on his heart, and even if she did offer, why should he trust her? The trust is broken and she's made no effort to restore it.

[Xidion]

I think that is good advice if you're dating someone and the person is a bit uncertain, but there's been no line drawn in the sand. In this case, he was broken up with in a harsh manner and his ex proceeded to completely disregard a message in which he poured out his heart. She not only resurfaces after a rather significant lapse in time but she still doesn't acknowledge the heartfelt message. She did a lot of damage here and I don't think it's in the OP's best interest to invite her to meet. That would be her responsibility given how she trampled on his heart, and even if she did offer, why should he trust her? The trust is broken and she's made no effort to restore it.

 

 

He said he was willing to try again. But all the effort has to come from her. If she isn't willing to come to him, then bets are off. He isn't to take her out or pay for anything. Those videos explain it all.

[Grinder88]

So I asked today whether she had any intentions other than just being friendly when she texted me, she said she wanted to see what I was up too and check on my dog and she wanted to be friends. I told her if friendship was what she wanted to look elsewhere because I can't have her in my life and pursue other love interests

[Grinder88]

She then got bitchy told me to have a nice life then told me to text her when I want. I'm not even going to respond to that

[RIPolaris]

Just ignore her. It's not fair to you that she sticks around trying to be friends after breaking your heart the way she did. She says she's just wondering what you're up to? That's no longer any of her concern. She clearly doesn't care for you if she didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE you when poured your heart out to her. Her wanting to be friends after hurting you is selfish, she's only looking out for herself.

[Grinder88]

It was really tough because I still love her but if we aren't in a relationship I'm happier if I can pretend she doesn't exsist. My heart said yes be her friend you'll get to be close to her again, my brain said tell her you can't be friends you have to move on she doesn't want you back. I went with my brain

[mightycpa]

She then got bitchy told me to have a nice life then told me to text her when I want.

How dare you not want her as a friend!

[TaraMaiden2]

I hate being right, in circumstances like this.

Talk about being defensive - So she gets to decide when you should be over things and when it's time you were friends?

 

Oh...Really.....

 

Should make it a tad easier to kick this one...

 

Sorry it took that.

Glad it got done and dusted....

[sandylee1]

We we're moving in together I got scared told her. That meant I didn't love her she couldn't trust me then she moved 2.5 hours away

 

After dating for 4 years, she was probably hurt that you were scared and I would do what she did and end it.

 

Why do you want to get back with her, when you can't give her what she wants? Unless you are no longer scared, then don't bother striking up a convo with her.

 

It's okay that you don't live together while you're not sure, but she made the right decision to walk away and if I were her, I'd only get back with you, if you declared undying love and had something to offer in terms of commitment.

[Grinder88]

She knows I want a family and marriage with her it's so cruel a week after we broke up I got her to meet me and we talked and everything seemed to be like it was coming together we even talked about kids names that day then she decided she still wanted her spacell so cruel making me think things were gonna workout get me excited about a future and then decide it wasnt gonna happen. Why even bother trying to be friends with me

[louxor]

I read something somewhere about a great way to see right off the bat if an ex who contacts you after a while is interested in getting back together, or if it's simply just useless breadcrumbs.

 

It said something along the lines of - If she contacts you after a reasonable period of NC, assume she wants to see you and get straight to the point: "Hey, it's great to hear from you! It'd be awesome to see you, when are you free next week? Let's make dinner and have some drinks at my place."

 

This serves many purposes:

1. You'll know straight away how she truly feels, as "dinner and drinks at my place" is a very obvious statement that you want to see her, but not as this friendly BS (Like it would be if you were to get coffee or something similar)

 

2. She has to make the effort to win you back - She's coming to you on your terms. If she's not interested, she will not want to do this - She may try to change the plans and meet you out somewhere and to that you'd say "Sorry, I've had a really busy week and I don't feel like something formal - Let me know if you change your mind!" - Then you leave it like that and don't pursue her AT ALL. If she's interested, she'll be back in contact.

 

3. It shows what kind of man you are - you are confident in what you want but you are also confident enough to walk away and not look back if you don't get it.

 

Remember, she broke up with you, so she has to win you back, not vise-versa. She must be doing 100% of the pursuing and if that's not the case then there is a very high chance it won't work out.

 

EDIT: I thought I'd share this if anything were to come up with her in the future again - But as for how she responded to your message about not being friends, that's much like how my ex reacted when I said a similar thing to her. I believe it was just because she is one of those girls who gets defensive very easily, so when I told her how it was gonna be, she didn't like it and it upset her which in turn triggered the defensive response. Don't take anything from it apart from the fact that you stood your ground and that upset her - and her way of dealing with it is going in defense mode.

Edited October 12, 2015 by louxor

[greenleaves54]

I read something somewhere about a great way to see right off the bat if an ex who contacts you after a while is interested in getting back together, or if it's simply just useless breadcrumbs.

 

 

I'm not sure about that approach. Firstly, I wouldn't feel like it's my job to ask her out. The dumper should be the one to do the chasing. Secondly, inviting the dumper to your house just because they initiated contact seems like good way to scare them away again.

 

I'm all for finding out what their true intention is though. But perhaps that can be done just by asking them directly and not by inviting to a date? "If it's only friendship you're interested in, then I don't think us staying in contact is a good idea" or something.

[TaraMaiden2]

Good points....

 

If the dumper dumped the dumpee because they were overly clingy, needy and desperate, that approach is just going to clang alarm bells....It's almost a guarantee they'll back off because of past experience and memories of why they dumped her/him in the first place.....