Social events that I don't want to miss but my ex will be there

[louxor]

So I am well on my way to moving on after my ex of 2.5yrs broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I'm full NC and the difference in how I feel now compared to when we broke up is phenomenal, so given this I want to keep it going this way.

 

I share a handful of very close mutual friends with my ex, and because we are quite young, there are some social events coming up in the next months, namely 21st birthday celebrations of some of these mutual friends. This is where my problem arises.

 

So far I have been able to avoid social settings in which I know she will be there (and organise to see my friends at different times), but in this situation, especially for such an important life event like a 21st birthday, I want to be there for my friends. My issue is that I don't want to bail on my friends for important events such as this, but I know that I'm not in a place yet where I want to run into my ex (I don't want to stunt my process). I am also worried that seeing her will put me into a slump for the night and ill just be a downer all night and ruin my fun which obviously I don't want.

 

So I have a couple of questions that I'd very much appreciate your opinions on:

1. What would you do in a situation like this?

 

2. Say I do go, how would you deal with running into the ex like this?

 

3. I know my ex isn't the type of person to rub a new man in my face, but for the sake of this question, say I get there and she is with a new guy - What would you do in a situation like this? I don't want to come off as a wuss but I know I'm not in the place to be perfectly fine in a situation like this.

 

4. Given the vibes of 21st parties, there's always lots of drinking and flirting, so how would you go dealing with the high potential of seeing the ex in a situation with another guy (flirting, making out etc)

 

All in all, I know that if I do go there is a reasonably high chance of bumping into a situation that will set me back, but at the same time I don't want to let my situation negatively impact my relationship with my close friends.

 

Thanks for reading!

[TaraMaiden2]

Read the NC Guide.

 

You have to 'Fake it until you make it'.

 

As the song says, "Wave your hands in the air like you don't care!"

 

The NC Guide explains it more fully.

[louxor]

Read the NC Guide.

 

You have to 'Fake it until you make it'.

 

As the song says, "Wave your hands in the air like you don't care!"

 

The NC Guide explains it more fully.

 

So you think risk of potentially backtracking my recovery progress is worth it if I give off the vibe that I'm okay with a situation even if I'm not?

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually, it normally goes like this:

 

You attend function.

You see ex-.

 

One of two things happens: They either ignore you completely and avoid you (rare) or they wave, say "hi, how are you, good to see you, how you doin?" (purely because they want to know you're doing well, in order to relieve any guilt they might feel for dumping you. If you feel great, they can then feel greater).

 

You can: Either totally ignore them and turn your back (advisable, but hard, some say impossible to do) or you can fake it, and say "I'm doing amazing actually, getting on with life and enjoying every minute of being single and independent, thanks for asking!" (which may not be true, but it will confuse the heck out of them... 'why aren't you heartbroken? What, you don't miss me, even a little bit...?')

 

Putting on a front, with bravado, and putting on a brave face, will actually make you feel better.

Maybe not there and then, maybe not in that moment.

The way you will feel at that moment, will be desperate to scream at them and beg them to come back.

But you need to suppress that urge, because once you see that they believe you've moved on, feel great, and are enjoying your "new-found freedom" it will knock their nose out of joint, and they may well feel a bit of what they put YOU through.... Which only serves to move you forward....

[thunder777]

if you go, force yourself to not make single eye contact ever!

 

if she approaches you & says hi, say "yep" and nothing more, like your too kool for skool, and she aint worth the time of day. dont sit anywhere near her, if she sits where you are near, get up and go somewhere else like she stinks

 

even try to take a date

 

you could either avoid the whole event, then she wins, or you could go and look like a champion, have a great time, and ignore ignore ignore that now stranger "who you used to know"

Edited October 11, 2015 by thunder777

[Oli.]

I wouldn't worry about bailing on these friends. A friend would never invite your ex along and put you in an awkward position to begin with.

[louxor]

Actually, it normally goes like this:

 

You attend function.

You see ex-.

 

One of two things happens: They either ignore you completely and avoid you (rare) or they wave, say "hi, how are you, good to see you, how you doin?" (purely because they want to know you're doing well, in order to relieve any guilt they might feel for dumping you. If you feel great, they can then feel greater).

 

You can: Either totally ignore them and turn your back (advisable, but hard, some say impossible to do) or you can fake it, and say "I'm doing amazing actually, getting on with life and enjoying every minute of being single and independent, thanks for asking!" (which may not be true, but it will confuse the heck out of them... 'why aren't you heartbroken? What, you don't miss me, even a little bit...?')

 

Putting on a front, with bravado, and putting on a brave face, will actually make you feel better.

Maybe not there and then, maybe not in that moment.

The way you will feel at that moment, will be desperate to scream at them and beg them to come back.

But you need to suppress that urge, because once you see that they believe you've moved on, feel great, and are enjoying your "new-found freedom" it will knock their nose out of joint, and they may well feel a bit of what they put YOU through.... Which only serves to move you forward....

 

Thanks - Ill keep that in mind and hopefully when the events do come around I will have progressed even more than where I am at now so it will be easier to deal with

[louxor]

I wouldn't worry about bailing on these friends. A friend would never invite your ex along and put you in an awkward position to begin with.

 

These are events that have been organised for months (prior to my break-up) so at the time inviting both of us was not an issue at all. Also, seeing as these friends are close, long-term friends with both myself and my ex, they obviously don't want to invite one and not the other seeing as we are both important to their lives.

[Yummm]

2 weeks is pretty fresh bro..

 

In all honesty I would go.

 

I just recently went to a event where I saw my ex. She kept trying to make eye contact but I just socialised with the other 100 people there and got on with my evening. I felt good, aint gonna hide from nobody.

 

It's your friends birthday. Yeah, shew will probably be on your mind, but you won't know how you'll feel until you get it over and done with. Make sure you're with good people who will make you feel positive especially when having a drink.

 

Goodluck

[louxor]

2 weeks is pretty fresh bro..

 

In all honesty I would go.

 

I just recently went to a event where I saw my ex. She kept trying to make eye contact but I just socialised with the other 100 people there and got on with my evening. I felt good, aint gonna hide from nobody.

 

It's your friends birthday. Yeah, shew will probably be on your mind, but you won't know how you'll feel until you get it over and done with. Make sure you're with good people who will make you feel positive especially when having a drink.

 

Goodluck

 

That's one of my issues. By the time the first event comes around it'll be like 5 weeks, but even then, I know how quickly you can lose you progress when the break up is still relatively fresh - That is why I'm concerned.

 

I'd love to know that I'd be in the position to do what you did, essentially not let her presence get to me and have a fun night, but I'm just not sure if ill be ready for that at the time, because I know I am not ready for that as of now.

[thunder777]

yeah and she could be there with a new bf

 

id only go if i have a girl to take and pash and kiss and roll around all over the back yard with haha

 

else f#ck it, NO CONTACT means to never ever see her again, i wouldnt go

 

but some people live in the shadows, others mingle in the light like its another episode of 90210

[d0nnivain]

Go early.

 

 

Do NOT drink.

 

 

Leave early, preferably before she gets there.

 

 

If she arrives while you are there, at most she gets a type lipped, fake smile a head nod & a hello. The advice you got above to say "yep" if she says hello 1st works too. Immediately after those one syllable greetings, you announce you have to go get another drink. I don't care if your glass is full. You walk away. You leave soon thereafter.

 

 

You can't drink at this because you won't have the self control to stay away & keep your mouth shut. You don't want to ruin your friends birthday by making a scene.

 

 

I had this same situation a few months ago with a long time female friend who I had had a friendship ending fight with. I didn't know she'd be at the party until the day before. I went & studiously avoided her. If she was in a room, I walked out. If she walked toward me, I made a 90 degree turn & walked away. Many people notice my not so subtle attempts to avoid her. It sent the perfect message. But I was stone cold sober.

[louxor]

yeah and she could be there with a new bf

 

id only go if i have a girl to take and pash and kiss and roll around all over the back yard with haha

 

else f#ck it, NO CONTACT means to never ever see her again, i wouldnt go

 

but some people live in the shadows, others mingle in the light like its another episode of 90210

 

I would definitely choose to not go if these friends weren't important to me, but a few of them having these 21st's I have been close to for 3-4 years, so blowing off such a big event in their lives is something I don't want to do, you know?

 

I guess it will end up being a gamble really, if she's there with someone else, how I react when I see her, if I'm able to still have a good time. I know these are all if's and maybe's but I'm trying to get as many opinions on it as possible so I can be as best prepared as possible, so thanks for your response.

[louxor]

Go early.

 

 

Do NOT drink.

 

 

Leave early, preferably before she gets there.

 

 

If she arrives while you are there, at most she gets a type lipped, fake smile a head nod & a hello. The advice you got above to say "yep" if she says hello 1st works too. Immediately after those one syllable greetings, you announce you have to go get another drink. I don't care if your glass is full. You walk away. You leave soon thereafter.

 

 

You can't drink at this because you won't have the self control to stay away & keep your mouth shut. You don't want to ruin your friends birthday by making a scene.

 

 

I had this same situation a few months ago with a long time female friend who I had had a friendship ending fight with. I didn't know she'd be at the party until the day before. I went & studiously avoided her. If she was in a room, I walked out. If she walked toward me, I made a 90 degree turn & walked away. Many people notice my not so subtle attempts to avoid her. It sent the perfect message. But I was stone cold sober.

 

I think I will have to take an approach similar to this - The whole avoiding contact, keeping it minimal if it happens, and putting on a fake smile etc.

 

As for leaving early, that might be a possibility, but I don't want her noticing that I leave just after she arrives - Gives off that vibe that I'm still suffering (I am but for the standard reasons I want her to think the opposite)

[d0nnivain]

As for leaving early, that might be a possibility, but I don't want her noticing that I leave just after she arrives - Gives off that vibe that I'm still suffering (I am but for the standard reasons I want her to think the opposite)

 

 

Not necessarily. Discretion is the better part of valor. You are leaving because you don't want to cause a scene.

[thunder777]

take a date, hire an escort

 

but seriously these parties would be awesome opportunities to invite a new girl to

 

make this a goal something to aim for, the experience will be vastly different to being there single and aware ur recent lover is there with someone else

[louxor]

take a date, hire an escort

 

but seriously these parties would be awesome opportunities to invite a new girl to

 

make this a goal something to aim for, the experience will be vastly different to being there single and aware ur recent lover is there with someone else

 

My close friend at university has already offered herself to do something like that if I want, but it's just the fact that my BU wasn't really due to anything bad happening so I don't have much, if any, hard feelings towards my ex that would prompt me to want to make her potentially jealous like this would do. It's more so the fact that I just don't want to see her while I still recover.

[Chi townD]

So I am well on my way to moving on after my ex of 2.5yrs broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I'm full NC and the difference in how I feel now compared to when we broke up is phenomenal, so given this I want to keep it going this way.

 

I share a handful of very close mutual friends with my ex, and because we are quite young, there are some social events coming up in the next months, namely 21st birthday celebrations of some of these mutual friends. This is where my problem arises.

 

So far I have been able to avoid social settings in which I know she will be there (and organise to see my friends at different times), but in this situation, especially for such an important life event like a 21st birthday, I want to be there for my friends. My issue is that I don't want to bail on my friends for important events such as this, but I know that I'm not in a place yet where I want to run into my ex (I don't want to stunt my process). I am also worried that seeing her will put me into a slump for the night and ill just be a downer all night and ruin my fun which obviously I don't want.

 

So I have a couple of questions that I'd very much appreciate your opinions on:

1. What would you do in a situation like this?

 

2. Say I do go, how would you deal with running into the ex like this?

 

3. I know my ex isn't the type of person to rub a new man in my face, but for the sake of this question, say I get there and she is with a new guy - What would you do in a situation like this? I don't want to come off as a wuss but I know I'm not in the place to be perfectly fine in a situation like this.

 

4. Given the vibes of 21st parties, there's always lots of drinking and flirting, so how would you go dealing with the high potential of seeing the ex in a situation with another guy (flirting, making out etc)

 

All in all, I know that if I do go there is a reasonably high chance of bumping into a situation that will set me back, but at the same time I don't want to let my situation negatively impact my relationship with my close friends.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

For all the reasons you just listed is the very reason why you shouldn't go. You have to look at yourself as an alcoholic who just got out of rehab and is very serious about his sobriety. But, your friends want to throw you a welcome home party at a bar. You are not strong enough in your sobriety to handle being in that environment. So, you might want to bow out of this one.

 

 

Not until you're strong enough to be in that kind of environment. Dude, sorry to say it, but you're just not there yet.

[mightycpa]

If you do go, and she does approach you with

 

Hi, how are you?

 

Just hand her your drink, and say

 

Do you mind holding this for me?

 

then walk away, and go talk to somebody else.

 

Powerful, and filled with symbolism, and you won't have to worry about her approaching you again, unless she's a total nitwit.

 

But better to not go. In the long run, nobody will care that you missed the party.

[d0nnivain]

My close friend at university has already offered herself to do something like that if I want,

 

It's more so the fact that I just don't want to see her while I still recover.

 

If you don't want to see your EX, don't go. It's as simple as that.

 

If you do go, I think taking your female friend for morale support would be a good idea. That person will at least be able to "talk you down" or smoothly transition you out of any conversations with your EX. She doesn't have to act like an ingenue to provide you with support.

[louxor]

I guess it's a choice between going and making myself upset, or not going and making the friend upset, so the best option is always gonna be choosing what's best for me.

 

Would you guys recommend I tell my friend the true reason why I'm not going to go, or just give a made up one?

 

I feel like I should avoid telling her the true reason because it may get passed on to the ex.

[d0nnivain]

Don't lie to your friend. Who knows, the friend may have great news for you -- that the EX already bailed so you are free to attend.

[stillafool]

So I am well on my way to moving on after my ex of 2.5yrs broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I'm full NC and the difference in how I feel now compared to when we broke up is phenomenal, so given this I want to keep it going this way.

 

I share a handful of very close mutual friends with my ex, and because we are quite young, there are some social events coming up in the next months, namely 21st birthday celebrations of some of these mutual friends. This is where my problem arises.

 

So far I have been able to avoid social settings in which I know she will be there (and organise to see my friends at different times), but in this situation, especially for such an important life event like a 21st birthday, I want to be there for my friends. My issue is that I don't want to bail on my friends for important events such as this, but I know that I'm not in a place yet where I want to run into my ex (I don't want to stunt my process). I am also worried that seeing her will put me into a slump for the night and ill just be a downer all night and ruin my fun which obviously I don't want.

 

So I have a couple of questions that I'd very much appreciate your opinions on:

1. What would you do in a situation like this?

 

2. Say I do go, how would you deal with running into the ex like this?

 

3. I know my ex isn't the type of person to rub a new man in my face, but for the sake of this question, say I get there and she is with a new guy - What would you do in a situation like this? I don't want to come off as a wuss but I know I'm not in the place to be perfectly fine in a situation like this.

 

4. Given the vibes of 21st parties, there's always lots of drinking and flirting, so how would you go dealing with the high potential of seeing the ex in a situation with another guy (flirting, making out etc)

 

All in all, I know that if I do go there is a reasonably high chance of bumping into a situation that will set me back, but at the same time I don't want to let my situation negatively impact my relationship with my close friends.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

If you have to ask these questions you are not well on your way getting over her. If I were you I wouldn't go to the parties where the above things might happen. It will set you way back. You should go out with your B-Day friend prior to or after the party. You will not have a good time at the party anyway because you will be too concerned with what your ex is doing.

[stillafool]

I guess it's a choice between going and making myself upset, or not going and making the friend upset, so the best option is always gonna be choosing what's best for me.

 

Would you guys recommend I tell my friend the true reason why I'm not going to go, or just give a made up one?

 

I feel like I should avoid telling her the true reason because it may get passed on to the ex.

 

Make up another excuse. It will get back to your ex.

[d0nnivain]

Make up another excuse. It will get back to your ex.

 

So what? What kind of an evil person do we think the EX is? Even if she learns the truth -- that you are still processing the break up -- she should feel guilt, sorrow, empathy or shame that she caused your pain. She's not going to be rubbing her hands together in glee thinking "Oh Good I really destroyed louxor"

 

 

Don't tell me it's about power, the whole never let 'em see you sweat. The EX's opinion is irrelevant at this point. She can think whatever. It doesn't matter