4 year LTR. Do i have "GIGS" ?

[feelingrawemotion]

4 year LTR. Do i have "GIGS" ?

Firstly I want to say that I am incredibly confused and have been emotionally hit these past few days. A little background story on my long term relationship - I'll try to keep it as short as possible without omitting important details:

 

I am 24 M, she is 26 F. We do not live together. This is my first long term relationship.

 

Years 1-2: met her through friends while I was in college. Amazing 'honeymoon phase', really into each other. No fights, sex is good, always had a fun time being with her. Always planning things to do, where to go out etc

 

Year 3: Things started slowing down. We saw each other less per week as my work hours aren't standard, but still happy when we see each other. She is very caring, very laid back and understanding. I completely trust her and she completely trusts me. I never cheated on her and I'm sure she hasn't either. This is also a year I was trying to find myself and started taking risks in business. I started a few ventures that took a lot of time but ultimately failed. She didn't seem too happy of them but still supported me and loves me nonetheless.

 

Year 3.5: After I failed a venture I brought up that I was unhappy that I didn't feel she was supporting my dreams (maybe me trying to put some blame on her? I don't know) but I was upset. I asked her a question if she would move with me to a different state if I got a job there and she said she was unsure and that she was not the type of person to drop everything and leave. Here's the biggest part:

 

She brought up marriage and kids during this conversation. This is exactly what I told her: I said that I'm not ready at this point in my life and haven't been thinking about it. I don't have a stable career yet and I'm sorry but I cannot offer you that. It was very emotional and at the end of the night while I was walking her to the door I asked her:

"Are we breaking up?"

She said no.

 

It's been 5 months and here we are. The 4 year anniversary. During those 5 months nothing was brought up about the talk we had, almost as if we were both trying to bury it.

 

I haven't planned anything yet as she is taking a weekend trip with her family but it really got me thinking. Our goals and future plans are clearly not aligned. I am more of a go-getter type that wants to explore and she is very laid back and wants to settle down. Why did she say no 5 months ago?

 

This is extremely hard for me. I do not want to hurt this girl. Any input would be appreciated.

Edited October 8, 2015 by feelingrawemotion

[mightycpa]

Unless she dumps you first, she's going to get hurt. You can't know how much, only that hurt is unavoidable. But that's no reason not to do it.

 

Just don't blindside her. Start talking about the future with her, and about what you want, how you view her, and how she views you. Be prepared to hear some stuff you're not going to like. Don't be too defensive, because that stifles communication. Don't get all pissy. Just nod and consider what she has to say. Ask her to do the same.

 

It's not easy to talk like that to each other, but if you're going to get married, you need to learn how. If you can't, it's a real good sign you're not ready to marry.

 

Eventually, if you're truly going in different directions, you'll both come to the same conclusion about splitting up. It won't take too long to figure out one way or the other.

[BlueIris]

I can't tell- are you saying you want to break up?

Do you have a job that you’re happy with now? Are you still thinking about moving out of state? Maybe sort out your career or at least where you want to go for your career before deciding about the relationship.

[PegNosePete]

"GIGS" is not a disease you catch like the flu...!

 

You were 20 when you got together, now you're now 24. She was 22, now 26. People change a lot during those young, formative years. Their hopes and dreams, ambitions, their entire personality is still being forged. It's very much surprising to me that any couple who get together so young, will remain together for more than a few years!

 

What you have, is simply different goals in life. Maybe you were totally compatible with each other 4 years ago, but now it seems you've both changed and are no longer compatible.

 

I agree with mightycpa, you need to talk to her about it. She already knows from your previous conversations that your directions in life are diverging, so it might not be as much of a shock as you think it will. If you are diverging then hopefully she will see it too, and agree that breaking up is for the best.

 

Good luck!

[feelingrawemotion]

Unless she dumps you first, she's going to get hurt. You can't know how much, only that hurt is unavoidable. But that's no reason not to do it.

 

Just don't blindside her. Start talking about the future with her, and about what you want, how you view her, and how she views you. Be prepared to hear some stuff you're not going to like. Don't be too defensive, because that stifles communication. Don't get all pissy. Just nod and consider what she has to say. Ask her to do the same.

 

It's not easy to talk like that to each other, but if you're going to get married, you need to learn how. If you can't, it's a real good sign you're not ready to marry.

 

Eventually, if you're truly going in different directions, you'll both come to the same conclusion about splitting up. It won't take too long to figure out one way or the other.

@mightycpa

 

Yes me blindsiding her is what I was thinking about most honestly. I feel like this is a blindside regardless. Even though we did talk about this 5 months ago I feel like she has no idea that I'm going to bring it up this soon. I kind of feel like she's going to take it as an ultimatum and I hate that.

 

Even though she's laid back she does have strong values that she holds.* In my heart I feel that she will stick by them but I can always try. At least I can say that I put the effort to communicate.

[feelingrawemotion]

I can't tell- are you saying you want to break up?

Do you have a job that you’re happy with now? Are you still thinking about moving out of state? Maybe sort out your career or at least where you want to go for your career before deciding about the relationship.[/quote

]

@BlueIris

 

Yes and no. Like I said I'm just very confused right now. I hate my job and I'm actively studying to get into a program that will enable me to do what I want to do. This will take at least another year or more. I feel like making her wait is unfair to her because this is my primary focus and* for me to say "this isn't working out" afterwards would crush her even more

[feelingrawemotion]

I just had a talk with her tonight. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. We broke up. She felt as if I was giving her an ultimatum. I don't exactly know if I made the wrong decision. I feel horrible.

[louxor]

I just had a talk with her tonight. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. We broke up. She felt as if I was giving her an ultimatum. I don't exactly know if I made the wrong decision. I feel horrible.

 

You did the right thing. You had already realised that your paths were going different ways, so as much as this may hurt, you have been honest and respectful enough to end things now instead of dragging her along while you slowly check out of the relationship and end up breaking up anyway.

 

We always have to do what is best for ourselves in life and sometimes these decisions will be hard to make. What you have to do now is make sure that you make the most out of this decision so you're not left feeling like you made a mistake - go and do the things that you felt you couldn't do while being with her, and who knows, maybe down the road your paths will meet up again.

 

I applaud your courage for being man enough and respecting your ex enough to get out of the relationship before it got too wavy, because not many people are able to do this which only leads to their ex suffering even more.

[feelingrawemotion]

You did the right thing. You had already realised that your paths were going different ways, so as much as this may hurt, you have been honest and respectful enough to end things now instead of dragging her along while you slowly check out of the relationship and end up breaking up anyway.

 

We always have to do what is best for ourselves in life and sometimes these decisions will be hard to make. What you have to do now is make sure that you make the most out of this decision so you're not left feeling like you made a mistake - go and do the things that you felt you couldn't do while being with her, and who knows, maybe down the road your paths will meet up again.

 

I applaud your courage for being man enough and respecting your ex enough to get out of the relationship before it got too wavy, because not many people are able to do this which only leads to their ex suffering even more.

 

 

What makes this so hard is that I did bring up marriage and kids again and she said that she was looking to 'down to the road' but not in the next 2-3 years which was big for me. I feel like she thinks that Im quitting on the relationship but I told her that I was barely going to see her through the holidays with my work schedule AND studying for the program and we both would be unhappy. We only see eachother once a week now. the next 4 months will be even worse if we dont live together.

 

I actually wanted to move in with her and see where things went but she said she was uncomfortable moving in before marriage because her parents are very traditional. Is she not loyal enough to me? Did I not respect her values by letting her ask her parents first and give it a shot?

 

Anyway, thank you so mcuh for the response. I feel like **** right now.

[louxor]

What makes this so hard is that I did bring up marriage and kids again and she said that she was looking to 'down to the road' but not in the next 2-3 years which was big for me. I feel like she thinks that Im quitting on the relationship but I told her that I was barely going to see her through the holidays with my work schedule AND studying for the program and we both would be unhappy. We only see eachother once a week now. the next 4 months will be even worse if we dont live together.

 

I actually wanted to move in with her and see where things went but she said she was uncomfortable moving in before marriage because her parents are very traditional. Is she not loyal enough to me? Did I not respect her values by letting her ask her parents first and give it a shot?

 

Anyway, thank you so mcuh for the response. I feel like **** right now.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do right now - These break-ups are by far the hardest to deal with because there is no cheating, no emotional detachment, no hate, none of the stuff that makes you look back on an ex and think "wow, I'm glad that's over, I dodged a bullet there".

It is extremely difficult because well you still care deeply for the person but at the same time you know you can no longer be with them. Having to close the door on someone who means so much to you and has done nothing wrong is a huge thing to process.

 

You just have to keep reminding yourself that is was for the best for both of you, and that if you had stayed, things would've only gotten worse. It might not feel that way at the moment, or for a while to come, but down the road it will be clear that it was the right decision.

[Miss Peach]

The way I read it she wanted to know if you were thinking about marrying her BEFORE she uprooted her life for you. I think this is a very smart question and something I would want to know if I were in a similar situation. I would be hesitant to uproot my life for someone who wasn't sure he wanted a future with me at some point. Since you are both young and have a long history, if I was in her shoes I would probably be willing to let things continue going for some time. I believe that's why she said no that you weren't broken up.

 

I do feel like you are giving her ultimatums. Even if she isn't a go getter I'm not sure I see why you aren't compatible with what you have posted this far. From what you posted here it sounds like you are tossing solutions around without determining what or if there is a problem.

 

Have you discussed what you want in the future AND what she wants? I'm not talking just about relationship-wise... I also mean in general. Are they things that are at least compatible? Things like getting married or moving in together won't solve anything so I do think she's right to be hesitant if future plans haven't been discussed and agreed upon.

 

As for seeing each other during that four months, that is something that can be worked out. She could stay over several night as an example without moving in or giving up her place.

[feelingrawemotion]

The way I read it she wanted to know if you were thinking about marrying her BEFORE she uprooted her life for you. I think this is a very smart question and something I would want to know if I were in a similar situation. I would be hesitant to uproot my life for someone who wasn't sure he wanted a future with me at some point. Since you are both young and have a long history, if I was in her shoes I would probably be willing to let things continue going for some time. I believe that's why she said no that you weren't broken up.

 

I do feel like you are giving her ultimatums. Even if she isn't a go getter I'm not sure I see why you aren't compatible with what you have posted this far. From what you posted here it sounds like you are tossing solutions around without determining what or if there is a problem.

 

Have you discussed what you want in the future AND what she wants? I'm not talking just about relationship-wise... I also mean in general. Are they things that are at least compatible? Things like getting married or moving in together won't solve anything so I do think she's right to be hesitant if future plans haven't been discussed and agreed upon.

 

As for seeing each other during that four months, that is something that can be worked out. She could stay over several night as an example without moving in or giving up her place.

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking about. I think I made a really bad decision. I don't know why I made it. I want to talk to her again. It's only been one day.. I still have feelings for her.

 

She even told me that she doesnt mind that fact durng those 4 months that things will be rough because we've been through a long distance thing our first year together. I dont know why im so confused and that I didnt listen to her

 

 

Edit: Sorry I'm realizing right now how much of a babbling idiot I must sound like. I dont know if Im going through some sort of quarter life crisis with my stressful job, career change, and relationship. I think I need to talk it out with her more.

 

 

Should I wait until she texts me first? If she doesn't, does that means its over?

Edited October 15, 2015 by feelingrawemotion

[CharlesV]

This is exactly what I'm thinking about. I think I made a really bad decision. I don't know why I made it. I want to talk to her again. It's only been one day.. I still have feelings for her.

 

She even told me that she doesnt mind that fact durng those 4 months that things will be rough because we've been through a long distance thing our first year together. I dont know why im so confused and that I didnt listen to her

 

 

Edit: Sorry I'm realizing right now how much of a babbling idiot I must sound like. I dont know if Im going through some sort of quarter life crisis with my stressful job, career change, and relationship. I think I need to talk it out with her more.

 

 

Should I wait until she texts me first? If she doesn't, does that means its over?

 

Well, you should apologize for making a stupid decision. Also say that you want her back and want to work things out. YOU are the dumper. People make mistakes.

 

BUT, only do this if you are sure you want her back!!!!! I would wait a few days more until you are sure of your feelings.

 

[oldshirt]

Lets take a look at the bigger picture here and discuss the role of dating in western society for a moment.

 

 

Much of the world has practiced some form of arranged marriage throughout history. Traditionally people's mates were chosen for them by their families so they could be assured that the two families wouldn't go to war with each other and kill each other, but also so that the individuals could focus on developing themselves and learning a trade/skill etc and not be out catting around at night looking for some action.

 

 

In modern western society we choose our own mates. to do that we use a process called dating. Dating is spending time with each doing a variety of things to get to know each other and learn about each other in order to determine if that person's values, mores, life goals, temperments and boundaries were similar enough to our own that we decide they are the one that we want to make a permanent home and family with.

 

 

Think of it like an interview and probationary period for employment. During this process there is no commitment and either party can decide the other is not the right fit and can terminate the interview and probationary period without prejudice or sanctions.

 

 

Now lets apply all of that to this scenario. You started dating when you were first starting to enter into adulthood and were starting to develop your adult skills and trades and starting to head down your paths to adulthood.

 

 

She is actually a little ahead of you in growth and development. You have changed and developed a lot during these past 4 years and you sound as if you plan to continue to grow and develop further.

 

 

You two have also gotten to know each other and have learned of each other's life-goals and plans...

 

 

....and you have discovered they are not in sync with each other. You are still wanting to learn your craft more so that you can go out into the bigger world and slay more dragons.

 

 

She is wanting to stay in place, tend to the castle, raise a family and start sewing crops for the next year's harvest and then continue to repeat the cycle in place.

 

 

These are two completely different life-goals and two completely different paths.

 

 

Through the dating process, you have found that your life-goals are not a match. You are both perfectly in right to end the dating process and go out into the world to follow your individual paths and perhaps find another suitor that is a better match for your life-plan and goals.

 

 

Dating has served it's purpose.

 

 

That doesn't mean that there won't be an emotional price to pay. That doesn't mean that there won't be tears and sadness. but what it does mean is that each of you free to follow your true course and can separate amicably now and have fond memories in the future instead of having a nasty and harmful break up after you have children and a mortgage etc etc

[danny6]

I dont know man. You should really think about this. You dont want to break up and then realize you made a huge mistake. I think that whole "different paths" this is kinda bs...Not for you in general, but for everyone. The only way there is 2 different paths going imo is if there is a huge age gap.

 

You moving for another job or program, is part of your life. Maybe suggest that you move out there, and then she can move in after she saves up some money. Otherwise if this relationship means a lot to you then someone is going to have to make some sacrifices.

 

Its not that you 2 have different paths you want to take, its the fact that this is the only way you can take it to do what you want. When I was with my ex, She didnt want to have kids or get married until she was like 30, and for me I was thinking around 26 or 27...BUT when she sai 30 or 31, I made no big deal about it and just agreed with her. To me it did not matter because I loved her so much, and just figured "hey whenever it happens, it happens"..NOW if she said she never wanted kids at all that would have been a different story. But you two seem to want kids, a home etc...Just other outside factors are changing that/making that more difficult on the relationship. If yall love each other, then some sacrifices are going to have to be made. That is what its all about. I think you need to talk and make a middle ground, or tell her to try and understand that you cannot have kids anytime soon.

 

I am just confused because it seems like you are confused as well as she? Like i said...you all need to make sacrifices! thats about it. If its not worth the sacrifice then the relationship is said and done basically. Sorry i am just confused at understanding this situation. sorry if i got any info wrong!

[feelingrawemotion]

I just read this thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538983-broke-up-gf-serious-doubts

 

It cleared up a lot of the confusion as I can absolutely relate with the OP in that thread. And also @Meli22 's response gave me a perspective on things I haven't seen before. I did stop trying in the relationship... I think I may just take some space to collect my thoughts and how I feel about the situation before doing anything.