I am such a freaking douche!!!!

[BrokenManAgain]

Recent lurker to this forum and thank you so much for all your contribution.

 

This is my 2nd hearbreak. I wished I found you guys for my first. My first, I've gone through NC by her choice. She was so shamed ... well I really don't know. She was cheating me behind my back and married the guy within one year of her leaving and when she left, it was for her job.

 

I still have extreme anger towards that bitch.

 

But that is not my current problem. My current relationship was 4 years and it ended about a month ago by lies that I can no longer tolerate.

 

My current ex played me to the hilt. We went out as friends about 2 years after my first ex left me. I wasn't looking. I wasn't ready. My current ex needed help and stupid me, I gave her monies (she said it was a loan but the old saying that you don't leand monies to friends and family).

 

Long story short, I have extreme self confidence and self esteem issues because of my first ex. So, every little thing that didn't seemed right, my current ex said it was my imagination.

 

Looking back, most of it were but the few times that I did got right, she dismissed it and I believed her. It was my jealousy.

 

For 4 years, I have been paying her bills including rent. Let's just say I could buy 8 houses in Detroit with the moneys I gave her. Yeah, a fool and his money.

 

In Feb of this year, she decided to move back home with her mom because I couldn't afford to keep paying her stuff. She said it was to save us moneys. Because of my jealousy issues, she refused to give me the new address.

 

Well, she didn't. She moved in with her current f_uck (yes, I'm angry) and I found out now. I still gave her $10,000 to catch up on her bills.

 

We have been fighting like cats and dogs for the past two years and even last week, she was still saying it was my imgination. A simple google today showed me her new address was with her f)cuk.

 

And she still said it's my imagination. She is allowed her friends and her friends can help her anyway they want.

 

I think I'm more angry at myself ... but I certainly hate her freaking guts right now.

 

Thing is, I still love her. She got me to love again after my first ex and I wasn't looking. She played me!

[bluefeather]

$10,000?!?!?! WTF man go buy some therapy so you can get over your doormat issues professionally! Plus you can afford better women with that kind of money! good lord...

[d0nnivain]

I'm not gonna to say you are a douche but you are a generous person who is perhaps a bit naïve. Going forward, do not support people you are not married to or did not give life to.

 

 

Kiss the money good bye. Consider it a very expensive lesson & don't make the same mistake again.

 

 

Perhaps use your free time to work on your self esteem. The fact that you think it was robbed from you by others is problematic. You have to find a way to get it back & rebuild it.

[Christos]

It seems you have a habbit of being with highly problematic women. You need to work on yourself and your boundaries.

 

Having boundaries isn't about shuting out everybody, like you did after the break up with your first ex. It is about being cautious about who is allowed in, and how much.

 

Supporting a person who is not your wife or kid, is totally stupid.

 

A decent woman, will never let you support her like this while you are dating. Actually, she will not even allow you to support her like this after marriage, unless she is pregnant and/or needed by the kids.

[mightycpa]

You sound like you have a tightly rolled paper stick up your ass, because to hear you tell it, you're the biggest sucker on the face of the earth.

 

D0nnivain is right:

 

Bye-bye girl.

Bye-bye money.

Hello common ****in' sense.

Figure out how to let go of this self-esteem bull****. Why? Because it will haunt you and destroy every relationship you have until you do figure it out. You can start now, or you can start in 10 years. Or never. It's really up to you. People cheat all the time. Get over it. It's not personal. It only feels personal. Don't let it destroy your life.

 

Spend some time in a bookstore or something. Find a book or a workbook, or a group of people who can help you understand that not everybody is the same, and that different people will treat you differently. How you get treated for how long is pretty much up to you.

 

Watch out for people who attach to you really quickly... the first time they ask for something, your radar needs to go up. I'm not saying "Don't help"... just don't help a lot. When in doubt, ask somebody here.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 8, 2015 by mightycpa

[BrokenManAgain]

It's actually $100,000+ in the four years and I'm telling this forum the $10,000 in 4 the last 4 months so to shame me not to take her bait!

 

Yes, an idiot and his money ...

[ManyDissapoint]

It's actually $100,000+ in the four years and I'm telling this forum the $10,000 in 4 the last 4 months so to shame me not to take her bait!

 

Yes, an idiot and his money ...

 

Wow talk about contributing to the pool of toxic behavior. What is wrong with you man? 100k would save my business and catapult it to the next level, creating jobs for 3 more families. Good lord I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

[BrokenManAgain]

Ok, you asked!

 

I've retired from the Canadian Army after 23 years service. I've rose fast and hard in rank because I didn't have family. I did 6 tours in my career because I could do so.

 

During my career, I was engaged 4 times. Each and everyone was before my deployment (I can't live without you) and each engagement was broken off after I came back (yeah, I can live without you, you weren't there when I was shot at).

 

My two exes came into my life when I was down. I left the army because I can't go up anymore. I retired as a LCol after 23 years service (you can do the math how fast that was).

 

I was freaking useless when I retired. My first ex came into my life when I was still in the army.

 

My second ex came into my life when she found me still hurting from my first ex.

 

If you want to measure dick sticks, I can go on. If you want to understand my decisions, then I will welcome your advice but spare me your judgement. People died because of my decisions, so spare me your judgement.

[ManyDissapoint]

Hey thanks for adding that important context. I have a lot of sympathy for military men who get screwed over by their wives / gfs. I know it happens a lot. Doesn't make it easier though.

 

I'm pissed off just thinking about that piece of work who got you for 100k and is just going to walk away from it. These kind of stories really anger me. There's really no advice people can give though that you haven't already thought of yourself.

[BrokenManAgain]

I just want to share my story. I want no judgement. I still hate my first ex but I will always love my second ex ... even though we did not work out.

 

To this day, she still insists that she has never cheated. Maybe so but I can't trust her again. I still love her and love her very much.

 

Maybe it's me but the military in me can't take it anymore. A white lie is still a lie.

[ManyDissapoint]

I just want to share my story. I want no judgement. I still hate my first ex but I will always love my second ex ... even though we did not work out.

 

To this day, she still insists that she has never cheated. Maybe so but I can't trust her again. I still love her and love her very much.

 

Maybe it's me but the military in me can't take it anymore. A white lie is still a lie.

 

It sounds like a bit more than a white lie. I know you love her very strongly now and that's really making you have a hard time look at her behavior objectively. Keep venting on this forum there can be some really good support here. I believe you should start cutting this person out of your life because the disrespect she is showing you is really going to have a negative effect on you in more ways than I can describe here.

 

None of her behavior adds up if she is supposedly in love with you and not cheating on you. I think it's time to start moving on and getting her out of your life completely.

[BrokenManAgain]

That's why I'm here! I need help to get her out of my mind.

[BrokenManAgain]

Stupid freaking thing is that when I was staring across the line in Yugoslavia, I know the freak is lying and I can call him out on it. I've had two snipers and and the entire USAF backing me!

 

In a ****ing relationship, I had to swallow my ****ing tongue.

 

I will never want to see combat again no matter what ... but it's a hell a lot more honest.

[ManyDissapoint]

Stupid freaking thing is that when I was staring across the line in Yugoslavia, I know the freak is lying and I can call him out on it. I've had two snipers and and the entire USAF backing me!

 

In a ****ing relationship, I had to swallow my ****ing tongue.

 

I will never want to see combat again no matter what ... but it's a hell a lot more honest.

 

Yeah I've read a lot of stories about really badass military men who have 'seen some sh*t' in various theaters but when get back to society they are kind of hopeless with women in the sense that they don't know how to make boundaries and channel that masculine energy properly. After my breakup traumatized me I have spent hundreds of hours reading about human psychology and relationship and interpersonal dynamics. I use to write all this stuff off as mumbo jumbo for weak minded people. Turns out there's nothing to be ashamed of building a wisdom base from other peoples' experiences.

 

I think you should keep reading about other relationships here and elsewhere.

 

There's a site called baggage reclaim by natalie lue, it's oriented toward women but she speaks pretty well about boundaries in relationships and I think that's a really good place for you to start. Good luck man.

[d0nnivain]

My husband is a Military Vet so I know something of what I speak. Thank you for your service. Your life did not involve easy choices. However, raising to the top of your particular profession does not leave much room for the softer side of life & many of the skills you needed to survive by definition can be harmful to an interpersonal relationship.

 

 

As a retired officer you should be entitled to mental health counseling. Get some. You need to find a way to figure out why you made the poor life decisions you did. 4 FIs is a lot. Giving away that much money is a huge loss. Small silver lining: you had it to give. Many don't.

 

 

Right now you are in the battle of your life. You have to find out what makes you tick so you can come up with a plan of action to get your life back on track & find some happiness. As the only life you knew -- which was highly regimented is over -- you may need some help figuring out what to do next. Over your career, you probably counseled many junior officers and wayward enlisted personnel so you should have some understanding that there is no shame in asking for guidance. You need to learn new skills -- how to be a civilian.

 

 

Good luck & hang in there.

[BrokenManAgain]

Well, day 1 of NC. I've deleted my Facebook profile. Never used it anyway. Blocked her number and is filtering her emails straight to the trash. Deleted all my searches.

 

I treated myself to beer and wings. First time I treated myself in a long time. It's nice to have money again instead of always worrying about making ends meet.

 

Working on myself now. Reading a lot of self help sites about self esteem. I have been taking of others so long that I never took care of myself. It's time I learned how.

 

Self love. Still have a hard time coming to terms with that. I can't even grasp it intellectually yet.

 

My heart still aches for her but I'm trying to remember all we had in the last two years were fights. Trying like hell to remember the bad times.

 

She is not the woman I want and maybe I stuck around this long is because I had hoped that she would be the woman I want and that the good times were just around the corner.

 

The good times ain't coming. After 4 years of this crap, if it ain't here yet, it ain't coming and I had enough of waiting and the lying.

[BrokenManAgain]

Just a clarification. In a small army such as ours, asking for help is akin to signing your resignation from the army. There's no room for ineffectives. If you can't do your job (for whatever reason), someone else is ready and waiting to take your spot.

 

It is what it is.

[Luke22]

Brokenmanagain. You won't be forever. You will heal, it'll take time and work. Did you ever consider seeing a counselor? I do, it's helped tons. Why I ask is there appears to be a pattern here, AND...you still have resentment for your ex of long ago. You have to move on and love yourself. You are worthy of someone who loves you and invests in you.

 

Thank you for your service. It's amazing what you have done.

[bluefeather]

IMO, it takes intelligence to realize when you need help, and courage to ask for it. You sound like you're on the right track. Good luck on your journey.

[BrokenManAgain]

Thank you.

 

I am seeking help but after a life time of issues, it's damned hard to know where to start. And while I have money again, I like to rebuild some funds instead of living cheque to cheque and start doing things again.

 

I'm thinking to take this month just to treat me, do the things I want to do ... now alone.

 

I'm still kinda raw at the moment. My head is spinning from one thought to the next. There are hours when I want her back so much and then, I remember why I don't want her back anymore.

 

Confusion galore. Until I can get a handle on my emotions, I feel I would just confused the hell out of the shrink.

[bluefeather]

Confusion galore... yup, that sounds about right, lol. Oh I hate her oh I love her oh god bless her oh god damn her. Eat well. Watch some cool movies. Read, read, read. That's what I did, and still do. And I talk here as much as I need to. Reading other stories helps remind me that I'm not alone in this **** storm! Helping people by giving my input helps me as well.

[Stage5Clinger]

Thing is, I still love her.

 

Damn, son you got played like a fiddle. This girl doesn't want you bruh.. and there ain't nothing you gon' do to change it. When your finally piss broke and living on the street she'll dump you like yesterday's trash and pretend she don't know you.

 

What do you like about this girl? The misery? There's gotta be a dominatrix out there that would happily take your money at a reasonable rate and treat you like **** in return.

[BrokenManAgain]

Tell me something I don't know. In any case, it's done. I need to get over her. She did get me to love again. Something I didn't thought possible from my first ex and I will always be grateful to her for that.

 

But she did this to herself.

[BrokenManAgain]

Trying like hell not to google her, look up her FB. Anything. I know I will only hurt myself finding out more lies during our relationship.

 

I've been telling myself there's no freaking point. I already know enough. I don't need to know the rest. Let sleeping dragons lie. I don't want to get angry again at being lied to.

 

If I don't find out, I won't get angry. But it's like a damned drug that I want to find out everything.

 

Why? To control her? To confront her and force her to beg for forgiveness? And then to laugh in her face?

[bluefeather]

Why? To control her? To confront her and force her to beg for forgiveness? And then to laugh in her face?

 

Nope. It's cuz you still want her. Just like a drug. I was there too. Checking every day. Until it became every other day. And then every 3 days. Then a week would go by and I actually forgot to check because I was too busy. My thoughts were occupied with improving myself in multiple ways in mind, body, and spirit. The day that I realized that I had forgotten was a very good day. This is the beginning. Like the first days of anything worth something, it's hella hard. Walk on...