Jump to content

Questions to ask yourself.


Recommended Posts

The following is a rhetorical exercise. Truly consider and ponder these questions.

 

Before you met your now-ex, how were you emotionally? Do you find that you were fully capable of existing on your own? Were you happy? Without the knowledge that the person existed and would take up so much of your near future, did you find yourself blissfully ignorant, and able to handle life without a partner?

 

When you met your now-ex, did you know immediately that they would be the one for you, forever? or did that 'knowledge' take time to build? Were there signs/red flags that they presented that you willfully ignored, because you valued who you perceived them to be at their core?

 

Were you afraid of this new relationship ending? Were there times when it almost did end? Did you feel desperate and scared when it almost ended? Did you scramble to 'save' this relationship, even if its near-ending was not your idea or your fault?

 

When your relationship actually did end, did you cease to exist? Did the special qualities that make you who you are disappear? During the long, dark nights of the soul immediately following the breakup, did you find yourself not knowing who you are without your partner? Did you remember those days before you met him/her, and how independent and happy you felt before they 'existed'? Did you long for that independence, that blissful ignorance?

 

Have you ever lost someone before this recent ex? Do you remember how painful that was during its time, and how you swore you would never get over it? And do you know that somehow you did, with time, self-improvement, new experiences, self-compassion?

 

Do you think this time is different than that time? Why? Do you cease to exist? Do you still remember who you were before you met this recent ex?

 

Do you doubt your own strength? Do you doubt your ability to connect with other people? Is romantic love the end-all, be-all to life?

 

Does what your recent ex is doing now, have any relevance to how you are going to live your life, and improve it? Would contact with that ex somehow help your current situation?

 

Have you found new avenues opening up for you since your breakup? Things you never would have done or seen? Have you learned things about your own strength, resolve, perseverance? Do you feel even more confident about your ability to handle loss, and life in general?

 

Do you find peace in moments, when everything is OK? Are these moments becoming more and more frequent? Do you allow compassion for yourself when you are having a bad day? Is it 'OK' to have a bad day?

 

Is life OK even when it is painful? Are you bigger than your problems?

 

Will you get over this one, too?

 

OD

  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes

Great questions OP! so many of them:) you're very inciteful.

 

I'll answer one now and a few at a time later when I'm on computer ...I'm sitting in a parking lot as my kids are on a double date at the movies. The dynamics of teen dating ...I feel like I'm watching the genesis of future relationship dynamics ... I could start a blog:)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes
The following is a rhetorical exercise. Truly consider and ponder these questions.

 

Before you met your now-ex, how were you emotionally? Do you find that you were fully capable of existing on your own? Were you happy? Without the knowledge that the person existed and would take up so much of your near future, did you find yourself blissfully ignorant, and able to handle life without a partner?

 

 

OD

 

Emotionally I was very healthy. Had done a few years of counseling ...got over some childhood BS and done healing ...I had my life set up very nicely and with such a positive outlook. I had a great career ...great salary ...having fun and was ok being single in a new large city that is known for outdoors adventures ...perfect for me. I was very happy and looking forward to living the best life. I had a carefree attitude and going with the flow as well as directing myself into areas of my passions (mountain climbing, photography and photo develoment (ok dating myself here) triathlons, golf etc.

 

Ya if a partner showed up great ...if not I hardly thought about it as I was so into my career and establishing myself into a new city. I did go on dates and had old BFs calling trying to get back together. Wasn't interested.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. Never looked at that angle. Life was really good before her. It can be again. Thanks for this post. I needed this insight today.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes
Wow. Never looked at that angle. Life was really good before her. It can be again. Thanks for this post. I needed this insight today.

 

Totally agree. I was just thinking this the other day. I felt so uncomfortable being single after 18 years I was just rushing into relationships ...it dawned on me recently that I have to be that 30 yr old girl again ...with 2 great kids this time.

 

OP ....you're post is going to negate months of counseling ...I owe you ...do you take credit cards? Lol

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you found new avenues opening up for you since your breakup? Things you never would have done or seen? Have you learned things about your own strength, resolve, perseverance? Do you feel even more confident about your ability to handle loss, and life in general?

 

Absolutely! This part of your post resonated with me. Thankfully, I never lost myself in the relationship and have always had confidence in my resilience. It's important to trust yourself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The following is a rhetorical exercise. Truly consider and ponder these questions.

 

Before you met your now-ex, how were you emotionally? Do you find that you were fully capable of existing on your own? Were you happy? Without the knowledge that the person existed and would take up so much of your near future, did you find yourself blissfully ignorant, and able to handle life without a partner?

1) Content is probably the perfect one word I would use... Far more content than I am now. I had been single for almost going on 2 years at the time and I didn't really look at it so negatively as I do now. The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' couldn't be more true.

 

When you met your now-ex, did you know immediately that they would be the one for you, forever? or did that 'knowledge' take time to build? Were there signs/red flags that they presented that you willfully ignored, because you valued who you perceived them to be at their core?

2) I knew (shall we say thought I knew) in a very short amount of time. It didn't take me long to jump to those thoughts and it was instant chemistry.

 

Were you afraid of this new relationship ending? Were there times when it almost did end? Did you feel desperate and scared when it almost ended? Did you scramble to 'save' this relationship, even if its near-ending was not your idea or your fault?

3) Not afraid, but I did have obvious red flags from the very beginning being that it was going to be a LDR. She was from the same city as I was, but she was across coasts studying for school and she wasn't planning on returning back for another year and a half. We talked about this on many occasions so it wasn't as though I avoided the problem but between her reassuring me that she's come back after she finished, us visiting once every 2 months, and talking daily on the phone, the problem was negated during that time. There was never a time where it almost ended. It only ended when she broke up with me when she came to visit and I was shell shocked.

 

 

When your relationship actually did end, did you cease to exist? Did the special qualities that make you who you are disappear? During the long, dark nights of the soul immediately following the breakup, did you find yourself not knowing who you are without your partner? Did you remember those days before you met him/her, and how independent and happy you felt before they 'existed'? Did you long for that independence, that blissful ignorance?

4) Yes, very much so. I was beyond depressed. I'm an outgoing individual but it deeply impacted my social life and personality. People at work asked me what was wrong with me. I tried to hide my emotions, but it was too difficult. First month was by far the hardest, and it's gotten much better since. Yes, I remembered the days before I met my ex and I'm slowly getting very close to being that same person again; Content.

 

 

Have you ever lost someone before this recent ex? Do you remember how painful that was during its time, and how you swore you would never get over it? And do you know that somehow you did, with time, self-improvement, new experiences, self-compassion?

5) Yes. I've been broken up before and dumped before and it was not nearly as painful as the most current breakup, even though I have been in relationships that lasted longer than this. I think it all depends how deep you loved someone. I got over the prior ones much quicker because I didn't love my previous ex's as much as my most recent one, and I was also younger. I think the older you are the less opportunities you have in potentially meeting the right people. It's just a fact. I'm good right now in that I've gotten over my most current ex in many ways, but I don't think I'll fully 100% get over her until I meet someone else that I have the same feelings for.

 

 

Do you think this time is different than that time? Why? Do you cease to exist? Do you still remember who you were before you met this recent ex?

6) Yupp.

 

Do you doubt your own strength? Do you doubt your ability to connect with other people? Is romantic love the end-all, be-all to life?

7) No, not for one second. I'm an outgoing person and it's not hard for me to connect with others. I'm confident I'll find someone else but I don't know how long that will take. I won't settle for anyone either.

 

 

Does what your recent ex is doing now, have any relevance to how you are going to live your life, and improve it? Would contact with that ex somehow help your current situation?

8) I have no idea and don't plan on finding out. Blocked the bitch from every platform I know of and deleted her #.

 

 

Have you found new avenues opening up for you since your breakup? Things you never would have done or seen? Have you learned things about your own strength, resolve, perseverance? Do you feel even more confident about your ability to handle loss, and life in general?

9) Yes, a few. I've taken a few new hobbies along with strengthening my commitment level in other hobbies I've engaged in. I definitely feel that I'm a lot stronger than I initially thought. I didn't feel this way in the immediate aftermath of the breakup but now I see that I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

 

Do you find peace in moments, when everything is OK? Are these moments becoming more and more frequent? Do you allow compassion for yourself when you are having a bad day? Is it 'OK' to have a bad day?

10) Yes. Everyday get a little better and better. It's like a tiny drop in the sink and the sink is your overall happiness.

 

 

Is life OK even when it is painful? Are you bigger than your problems?

11) Yes

 

 

Will you get over this one, too?

12) Yes, of course.

 

OD

 

Well that was long, lol but interesting...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll get to the punchline without directly answering all of your questions.

 

The first one was the worst one. But it forced me to confront questions about myself, such as the ones you posed, and I had plenty of time to consider them. As a result, I made some changes because I needed to, and I also changed as a result of more maturity as time went on.

 

Some future breakups were painful, but they were not debilitating like the first one was. What's more, I knew for a fact that there was light and relief at the end of every tunnel, no matter how long or dark it felt.

 

But what is more important is that the change that occurred in me prevented a lot of dumpings that might have otherwise occurred had I stayed the same. I don't blame the first GF... hell, I'd have dumped me too... I could see that in retrospect. By not taking it personally, and assuming at least some responsibility for my actions, I changed into someone who could afford to be picky about my relationships, and I dated a lot of fine women as a result. I generally chose when and how to end the relationship. When I didn't, I wasn't crazy about how things turned out, but it didn't kill me either. I knew how to accept the end gracefully.

 

I think that's the best you can hope for... that your SO's will value you, and most will desire more from you, rather than less. Also, that you will make the best choices for yourself, and you'll do that with compassion for those you have to leave behind.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for reading and posting everyone. I'm not literally looking for people to answer these questions here; just things to think about. Hence the rhetorical aspect. I think the point is that we were once OK, and will be again. It's just so hard to see it when you're deep in it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...
×
×
  • Create New...