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Terrified and Lovesick


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I need some serious help. Early last year I made a friend unlike any I've ever made. We connected on every level, talked deeply and frequently every day, shared everything, and became best friends. I'd never felt so at peace or comfortable in my life, nor invested myself so much into someone. I fell in fourth months, and after admitting he was always interested but had been taking it slow since he knew I only focused on school and never thought of romance, we started dating. He was my first kiss, my first date, my first love. He started asking me about the long term after college(I'm a senior) and we were serious. We spent the entire summer dating.

 

I had to go away to study in the fall. And in the backdrop of that, he started contacting me less frequently, said we should be friends, and that we would consider dating when I get back. When I began treating him accordingly, he ramped back up, sending me messages all the way into News Years about how much he cared for me and how I meant the world to him. When I got back to our university he asked to meet me for my birthday, got me a present, the whole works. I thought nothing had changed. I confessed I still liked him, and then he sat me down and dropped the bomb he had started dating someone else. This when I'd already been back two months, he was still messaging me, asking to hang out and everything else.

 

I just smiled, congratulated him, wished him well, spoke calmly with him for ten more minutes and then left to my next class. I didn't initiate contact with him for the next three months, partially because of my pride, but mainly because I wasn't willing to be demoted to a friendship with someone I loved and was hurt by his cake-eating and the fact that until I asked, he hadn't been planning to say anything about this new girl at all because of his lingering feelings for me.

 

I'm royally screwed mentally right now. He still considers me a friend. When he contacted me after those three months, I was distant and asked why he wanted to talk, as I didn't see the point in catching up, so he started appearing at my job and on my side of campus where he never goes. I ended up reaching back out to him twice in weakness afterwards, killing any lingering attraction on his end, and majorly embarrassed myself to the point I don't feel comfortable talking with him. But he still considers me a good friend, said not to worry about it, and has had friendly conversation with me after all that has occurred. It's been three more months since then that I've been no contact.

 

The problem is, I'm not doing well. He is still my friend on Facebook since he's fine considering us friends that just don't talk anymore, and I basically agreed to be friends after embarrassing myself since I was trying to backtrack. I deactivated my Facebook and am afraid to reactivate it. While I know I should delete him for peace of mind, we're still on officially good terms and it seems uncalled for and rude to suddenly delete him at this point considering months have passed and he's been nothing but mature and gentle about our parting. Since nothing bad ever happened when we were together, we never argued, fought, or had problems, I'm having a hell of a time getting past things. I picked up various activities, friends, hobbies, and things since we ended, but the truth is I'm not completely over him.

 

I need major help, because things have suddenly gotten more complex. Yes, on one hand, I'm scared of these good memories, and that I'll never be completely over this guy, especially since I seriously loved him, everything was great, and he was my first in almost everything else (we never slept together as I'm waiting for marriage for that). But for the last four months, another man has been trying to court me basically. When I explained that I was not over the last person and that wasn't fair to him, he still insisted I should get back out there and at least give him a chance. We began developing a great friendship, I started developing strong feelings, and in the midst of our friendship he has confessed he loves me, even knowing what's been plaguing me. He's a wonderful man, and I won't deny he makes my heart pound. I'm very into him, and know he's been thinking of asking me to be his girlfriend (he said it under his breath to himself when we were resting on a park bench and he thought I was completely asleep). But when the time comes that he asks, though I want to more than anything, I don't know if it's fair of me to say yes when I'm not completely past my first love. I'm not one to use anyone as a rebound and I don't want him to have any reason at all to doubt my full commitment if we get together. I've been NC technically 6 months, with one message I caved and sent at the three month mark when I barely knew this man.

 

How can I completely rid myself of these lingering feelings for my first love? Besides real disappointment at his cake-eating before he 'dumped' me after leading me on since he still was interested in me at the time, I have no ill-feelings towards him and our relationship, and it makes him hard to move past. Especially since I'm aware I still regard him with that innocence and passion of first love and accordingly had put him on a pedestal when we were together. I've been careful not to blur lines, mislead, or get physical with the guy who is interested in me now and be clear about my current feelings so he has no illusions about what I'm dealing with in any way, but he still wants to make this more than a friendship and pursue us. How can I get my head right so that I can be the woman I need to be right now? I thought with time the feelings would get weaker, but it's been nearly 8 or so months and I'm not over this. Should I turn down a person I'm really into if I still have lingering feelings for someone else? When is enough time, enough time? I'm going to start using this forum as a journal for myself. I'd love some good advice to get my head out of the clouds and out of my past.

Edited by GrandTrail
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really late in the night and I'm sure you'll get some better advice in a few hours, but I'll start with...

 

that first time you felt love? felt great didn't it? Let me tell you something though.. it gets even better. the next time you find love, and it may not even be the one who's pursuing you at the moment, it will be an even grander feeling.

 

I would take the first guy off of your friends list. it doesn't matter if things are "friendly" between you two. you need to heal, and that means getting that person out of your mind.

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Hmmm by the sounds of it it may take a bit of time but you will get over him. Everyone does. You won't forget him and that's fine, but you will get over him. Some couples are separated by bereavment and even they manage to recover.

 

I had a friend like that when I was at uni. I was so in love with her and I tried a couple of times to see if she was interested in me. She never was but she was my world and I wanted to spend every second of every day with her for 3 years. Now about 8 years later I look back and I remember her and remember the good times, but I don't miss her. I got over her :)

 

For the immediate I'd recommend counselling and some CBT techniques to help you deal with your current state.

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Make lists:

 

 

One of all the reasons your are better off without the 1st guy

 

 

One of all the reasons the 1st guy is a jerk (I'm not saying he's really a jerk but you have to view him this way to get over him. I'd start with the mixed messages he gave you while dating somebody else.)

 

 

One of the reasons the new guy is better.

 

 

Free think & brain storm. Get it all out on paper. Just write or type. Spend an hour on each list. Then put them away for at least a day. Pull them back out & whittle them down to the Top 10 reasons. Re-write or type them neatly & read them over & over, at least 2x per day in the morning & again before you sleep.

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I agree that you should delete him on facebook as part of your moving forward process. You don't owe him friendship or any type of continuing connection. You do owe it to yourself to live fully. He removed himself from that part of the equation, and in a not so above board manner. You're entitled to the feelings associated with that. You sort of got rejected without being properly notified.

 

The feelings will diminish in time. First loves are not something you forget completely... you just find a corner of the attic to stow the remnants. It sounds like you may still be grieving the loss, and if so, talking it out is the best thing to do. If you're trying to repress it, it will keep bubbling back to the surface. Counseling provides as safe environment to work through it.

 

The opposite of love is indifference. You can use intention to move residual feelings in that direction by teaching yourself to react less to when thoughts occur, and to redirect the thoughts such that you're giving it less and less of your attention, and almost none of your emotion. A counselor may be able to help you learn some of these techniques. EMDR/EFT might be helpful for you as well. They help desensitize you and prevent emotional overreaction to thoughts. The descriptions always talk about trauma and ptsd, but they are known to be effective for various types of anxiety and trauma.

 

You need to decide if you're really interested in the new guy. It sounds like he looking to attach really fast, maybe too fast. There isn't enough info to make definitive statements, but I think you should focus on making sure the next relationship you have is based on a healthy attachment style... new guy seems like he may be anxious and a bit obsessive. I would be more worried about that than timing and residual stuff. It might be a good ideal to just date a few people just for the fun of dating rather than jumping into another exclusive relationship so soon. Again, a good counselor could help you sort all of this out.

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dOnnivan, I have followed through on the exact exercise you mentioned before. That’s where the problem starts.. He was never a jerk. Except for the way it ended, I never had any issues with the 1st guy. He was respectful, warm, funny, and we built each other up and encouraged each other. Besides making each other stronger, we communicated well and grew a lot as people because we urged each other to go further in what we tried. Simply put ,we were incredible together and I was walking on air. Before we parted, the only negative thought I’d ever had regarding him was that while he really liked me, it didn’t reach the level to which I liked him, so I sometimes doubted he only valued my qualities as a friend but mistook that for infatuation.

 

As for the rest, I honestly can’t compare them. People are different, and their strong points are different, but I don’t think that makes them any less or more than one another. What differs is just the feelings for them. They’re both fantastic people. The friend I have now is older than I and guy one, 25 years old, so he has a fully established life already. He’s considerate, warm, friendly, and communicative. It’s noticeable he’s really into me, so I really respect that although he likes me, he has tried nothing more than trying to get to know me and establishing a good friendship since he knows my problem. When he accidently slipped and said he loved me, he almost looked worried I would dash for the hills. I’m gaining serious feelings for him, so I’ve been looking hard for a way to overcome and forget the past intensity of my feelings for guy one. I feel like I owe it to this current person, and more importantly to myself, to be able to give us a chance.

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Bluefeather and Salparadise, I want to take your advice to delete him. But first let me ask, is there any way to completely get over him without rocking the boat of this pseudo-friendship? When we were together, we both promised that no matter what happened with us we’d always be friends. Even when we broke up, even when I made a partial fool of myself, he’s guarded that promise. He played such a large part in my life, my closest friend, that he was a pivotal part of my development in becoming the person I am today, and I’m afraid of blazing away at those bridges to him.

 

I know if I delete him he really won’t forgive me for breaking our friendship or taking it lightly. I know him. And it hurts, but he’s still an important person to me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I don’t want to let him down, especially from a distance.

 

I guess I’m still harboring hope that some time down the line when I’m well over him, we can both meet up and chow down like old times, catching up and laughing like nothing ever happened. That can’t happen if I cut ties from him. I’m afraid to completely lose my best friend.

Edited by GrandTrail
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Salparadise, I am interested in my friend, but I’m not worried that he’s anxious or obsessive for the reasons I told d0nnivan. He’s been a perfect gentleman, and I’ve also noticed he corrects himself when he realizes he’s about to do something too intimate for friendship. He likes me, but it’s clear he’s not really rushing things. I have gone on my share of dates after the break up since I get asked out pretty often, but it felt out of character dating just for fun. At the end of the day, I prefer to date when I already know someone well, already like them, and am looking to see how far we can progress. I really want to deal with the residual stuff so I can reach the point where I can fully reciprocate my friend’s feelings.

Edited by GrandTrail
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Bluefeather and Salparadise, I want to take your advice to delete him. But first let me ask, is there any way to completely get over him without rocking the boat of this pseudo-friendship? When we were together, we both promised that no matter what happened with us we’d always be friends. Even when we broke up, even when I made a partial fool of myself, he’s guarded that promise. He played such a large part in my life, my closest friend, that he was a pivotal part of my development in becoming the person I am today, and I’m afraid of blazing away at those bridges to him.

 

I know if I delete him he really won’t forgive me for breaking our friendship or taking it lightly. I know him. And it hurts, but he’s still an important person to me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I don’t want to let him down, especially from a distance.

 

I guess I’m still harboring hope that some time down the line when I’m well over him, we can both meet up and chow down like old times, catching up and laughing like nothing ever happened. That can’t happen if I cut ties from him. I’m afraid to completely lose my best friend.

 

A way to get over him without rocking the boat of this pseudo-friendship? That sounds wrong in many ways, but I'll give my input. Yes, there is a way to get over him without rocking the boat, but that involves an extreme level of self-love that I don't think you are at right now. So I can say yes, but I can't paint that way for you, because it's different for everyone. Some people out there can turn off certain emotions and stay friends. Some people can do that and act as if everything is fine. I don't think it's healthy, but I'm not them, so can't speak for everyone.

 

Pseudo-friendship. Since you can admit to that, why should you even care if it has issues. It's not legitimate. He came into your life and shared a great experience. That doesn't mean you have to tightly hold onto him forever. Especially if he chose a life with someone else (sorry to say).

 

If he is going to get so butt-hurt over being dropped from facebook, that he would never forgive you... just wow. What a friend. I'm really starting to see how the age of texting and social apps are making people so chicken-**** of things.

 

I have dropped exes from facebook, been blocked, blocked them, and still ended up talking with them eventually. Your healing starts with you. And if it means removing certain people from your daily activities/thoughts, then that is only a choice that you can make. It's up to what is more important to you. Many people seem to struggle with choices like that, because they would rather hang onto the ghost of a person than attempt to heal by letting go and risk loosing it all, which is why so many are in that same situation.

 

I can't tell you that it will be ok and that he will be ok with how you handle things, because I don't know him or you. But honestly he sounds like either a wuss who is having trouble letting go just as you are (but he shouldn't have an excuse because he met someone else), or a player who is stringing you along.

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You're right. That does sound wrong. I chose a word that portrays more negativity than there really is there. Perhaps having said 'shell of friendship' would have been more appropriate and more accurate, considering the scarcity of our contact and the positive rapport that occurs when it happens. You make a lot of valid points as to why I should take this action. I'm going to look hard at myself today to see whether I really believe I have what's in me to get over this without rocking the boat. If not, I'll let go of this slightly idealistic hope of us one day being as good friends as we once were and finally cut all ties completely. Any advice to further help me weigh the pros and cons is much appreciated.

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You're right. That does sound wrong. I chose a word that portrays more negativity than there really is there. Perhaps having said 'shell of friendship' would have been more appropriate and more accurate, considering the scarcity of our contact and the positive rapport that occurs when it happens. You make a lot of valid points as to why I should take this action. I'm going to look hard at myself today to see whether I really believe I have what's in me to get over this without rocking the boat. If not, I'll let go of this slightly idealistic hope of us one day being as good friends as we once were and finally cut all ties completely. Any advice to further help me weigh the pros and cons is much appreciated.

 

Personally, it has taken me years of absolutely no contact at all to become friends with an ex again. I just can't do it any other way, especially if they are with someone else. There would be too much emotion in the back of my mind. And even when it seemed like the other person was fine and happy in their relationship, there were times when they admitted to me that either they still had feelings for me or that feelings came back. This eventually leads to problems for all parties involved.

 

I don't know if that helps any. But a lesson I have come to in my own experience is that no contact does not necessarily mean "goodbye forever." (Even when they have literally said to me "goodbye forever" lol...) NC allows you to heal. It seems like an impossible mountain to climb, but once I got to the top, things seemed much clearer and I could breathe fresh air.

 

Again, this is just my experience. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I believe you will figure out whatever is right for you when the time comes.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I was online when a post came out by him saying he had put out his new website and over a 100 people started congratulating him. I suddenly remembered months ago when he wrapped his arms around me teasing and laughing and saying I was the first one he was telling that he was working on this, that that's how important I am to him. The pain and sadness slammed into me hard. I deactivated my account a few hours and then everything you all said solidified for me, how foolish I am to still allow him to affect me and govern my decisions.

 

I logged back in and unfriended him. For a half hour I was just fine, happy, cooking, cleaning, doing homework. Then quite abruptly I just dropped down to my knees and started bawling. And bawling. And bawling. I've never felt this kind of pain before. I'm hurting. I'm raw. I'm doubled over and crying as I type this. How do I make it go away? The most important person I've ever had is gone from my life. There are no longer any ties between him and I on this earth. I don't think I can take this pain.

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Make lists:

 

 

One of all the reasons your are better off without the 1st guy

 

 

One of all the reasons the 1st guy is a jerk (I'm not saying he's really a jerk but you have to view him this way to get over him. I'd start with the mixed messages he gave you while dating somebody else.)

 

 

One of the reasons the new guy is better.

 

 

Free think & brain storm. Get it all out on paper. Just write or type. Spend an hour on each list. Then put them away for at least a day. Pull them back out & whittle them down to the Top 10 reasons. Re-write or type them neatly & read them over & over, at least 2x per day in the morning & again before you sleep.

 

Learned a new vocab word! Thanks! :)

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blocking him would probably be better. As for making it go away, like I have said, everyone's way is a little different. but most have to do with exercise and focusing on bettering yourself as much as possible. talk to friends. if I were yours, I would totally be happy to talk with you about how you're better off. sometimes it helped me to nag a friend about how crappy I felt. I did this sooo much that he eventually got annoyed and put it to me straight that I shouldn't be wussing out over someone so lame, lol... that actually helped.

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