treehugger101 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 It's been 9 months now that I have been with my Boyfriend and 4 years since my ex-Boyfriend and I of 3 years and engaged were together. But my current Boyfriend thinks that since I still have photos of my ex and I (Disneyland that I don't want to get rid of because it's Disneyland) he thinks me still having those photos, is emotional cheating on his end. He also thinks that there is part of me that still has feelings for my ex and I should let him go. I should also block my ex on all accounts social media because he knows I will contact him or view his profiles etc. To me, I am over my ex-Boyfriend, I have been, I am focusing on my current Boyfriend, but he keeps insisting on me still longing for my ex-Boyfriend etc. I don't know what to do to get him to believe me, I want him not my ex. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Where are the photos? If they are in a box on a high shelf in the back of the closet, your BF needs to get over it. If they are framed by your bed, perhaps put them in a box on a shelf in the closet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Your relationship sounds awful and always has. Nothing will ever change. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 What do you do? Exit this relationship and find a completely new SO, not your EX, that will indicate that you are over the EX.....easy answer. Anyone that insecure (unless there is a history that would indicate otherwise) needs to develop a bit more self worth. They need to be with someone that they feel validated and that they are confident in their own space in the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BelleSkye Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Facebookmake new pictures at disneyland with the new bf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 What do you do? Exit this relationship and find a completely new SO, not your EX, that will indicate that you are over the EX.....easy answer. Anyone that insecure (unless there is a history that would indicate otherwise) needs to develop a bit more self worth. They need to be with someone that they feel validated and that they are confident in their own space in the relationship. He did date a Narcissist and was treated very badly. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 He did date a Narcissist and was treated very badly. You can't project one person's ****ty qualities onto the world. You are not her is the bottom line on that. He needs to grow up, and understand that people are different. This strikes me as a controlling aspect of his personality. I wonder if there are any other things that he feels very "one-way" about. That's what would make me nervous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 What should I do? Whatever you want to do; keep the photos and don't block the ex. When this relationship goes to crap you will regret getting rid of the photos and may even want to reach out to your ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I don't know what to do to get him to believe me, I want him not my ex. What should I do? He believes what he believes and that's outside of your control. I hope I'll never have to test similarly for momentos of my marriage. The lady would be out the door so fast, well, she'd be out the door fast. Lest that sound sexist, well, I met my exW's second husband, shook his hand and understood exactly why she had scrapbooks from their M. It was important, even though it didn't work out. That's how life goes and it doesn't negate the good times. Meeting of the minds. If the minds don't meet, delete. Some people believe that health is in forgetting or hating. It works for them. I believe in acceptance, in your case that you had a past boyfriend you were engaged to be married. That's a big deal. It didn't work out. Back to the beginning. Out of your control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Your BF has a point with respect to social media. If you haven't unfriended your EX, perhaps it's time. I'm not saying block so you can never see anything / mutual friends etc. but do throw your current guy a bone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Whatever you want to do; keep the photos and don't block the ex. When this relationship goes to crap you will regret getting rid of the photos and may even want to reach out to your ex. Haha its been 4 years, he moved on after me, and got married and has a family. So him and I reconnecting or talking wouldn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Your BF has a point with respect to social media. If you haven't unfriended your EX, perhaps it's time. I'm not saying block so you can never see anything / mutual friends etc. but do throw your current guy a bone. I never had my ex as a friend on social media at all. I had him blocked for the longest time, then unblocked him because people online said, why keep him blocked? A mature person wouldn't do that, so I unblocked him and him and I have never talked or anything. IF he ever hits me up I will block him. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Your BF is insecure so be easy on him if you care, help him instead of being offensive. ExplaIn to him nicely that that was part of your pass and your ex has moved on too, If I may ask, where are these pictures kept? Hopefully not framed in the living room or on a bedroom wall Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Your BF is insecure so be easy on him if you care, help him instead of being offensive. ExplaIn to him nicely that that was part of your pass and your ex has moved on too, If I may ask, where are these pictures kept? Hopefully not framed in the living room or on a bedroom wall this. some people here comment as if they are perfect and the slightest fault or insecurity their partner has is "time to move on". not good enough. i'm not saying that his insecurity is healthy, for him, or the relationship, but given the info you gave here i wouldn't jump too fast to conclusions and kick him out. as stated above, if this guy is really someone you want, love and appreciate as a partner i think you can definitely go the extra mile and delete/throw out this photo and do the necessary blocking. i don't see how this is such a biggie. this is not your ex husband or father of your child. yeah i get the good memories,nostalgia, disney... but not all memories need to have a hard copy of them. you said it, he's come out of a rocky relationship that damaged his confidence and trust, as many of us here experienced. it;s not always easy to snap out of that, and yet you guys managed to build something so why not help him regain trust even more? so what if you actually haven't done something "wrong" to begin with? those are the kind of things you do for people you ACTUALLY love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Your BF is insecure so be easy on him if you care, help him instead of being offensive. ExplaIn to him nicely that that was part of your pass and your ex has moved on too, If I may ask, where are these pictures kept? Hopefully not framed in the living room or on a bedroom wall Those photos are in a photo album with other photos of me and other people I've met, along with family and friends etc. And yes he is insecure I don't how to treat him without hurting him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Those photos are in a photo album with other photos of me and other people I've met, along with family and friends etc. And yes he is insecure I don't how to treat him without hurting him. if you care about him and want to have a relationship with him, you have to be patient with him, insecurity is so controlling but it is controllable if he realizes it and wants to work on it. you can help by showing him your love and commitment there are few small things you can do to boost his confidence in regard to your relationship, do you have a picture of him anywhere in your place if not that's a good start, put a picture of the 2 of you in your room or in your wallet or at work. you don't have to pull up with his insecurity BTW, but if you really love him why not do some effort to help the guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 if you care about him and want to have a relationship with him, you have to be patient with him, insecurity is so controlling but it is controllable if he realizes it and wants to work on it. you can help by showing him your love and commitment there are few small things you can do to boost his confidence in regard to your relationship, do you have a picture of him anywhere in your place if not that's a good start, put a picture of the 2 of you in your room or in your wallet or at work. you don't have to pull up with his insecurity BTW, but if you really love him why not do some effort to help the guy Here's the thing, I do have photos of him and I around my bedroom, and have tried to help him but he accepts the help or sometimes rejects the help so I don't know how to handle him. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Here's the thing, I do have photos of him and I around my bedroom, and have tried to help him but he accepts the help or sometimes rejects the help so I don't know how to handle him. be patient it will take him time, keep talking to him. focus on 2 things 1- assure him that you love him, 2-talk to him about his insecurities suggest reading about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 be patient it will take him time, keep talking to him. focus on 2 things 1- assure him that you love him, 2-talk to him about his insecurities suggest reading about it Don't people deal with different insecurities though or the same one's? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) The OP should be respectful of the relationship and the guy, but the onus to heal him from his past relationship is not on her. If this guy can't help but distrust his current girlfriend because of something an ex did, then he shouldn't be in a relationship. Edited October 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Arguments relevant to past postings redacted pending attribution Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 it's not as black and white as you are trying to paint it blanco. as somebody who's had similar experiences i know what you mean. i've sworn to myself i will never let my past relationships affect the way i handle myself in new ones. easier said than done, although i've definitely done my best and acknowledging it is vital. sadly, i've also tasted "ex issues" the other way around. and while not easy, this person was important to me and i've definitely went out of my way to try and help them. did it work out? no. but i believe that if you are with someone you truly love and you see them struggling. you need to help.especially when in this case, his ex issues aren't preventing him from committing or showing his love to you. of course he needs to be on board and show willingness to understand and change. i'm not saying you need to become his psychologist and reaffirm him daily for months. just understand that this is a special case that might need more attention than your everyday relationship. approach it with good intentions and calmness, try not to let it stress or anger you. if it eventually does, then it's time to move on.it's not necessarily a doomed relationship tho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I linked several of the OP's threads earlier in this thread. If you haven't already, please check those out. This relationship sounds like it's borderline toxic and the OP doesn't even sound that enthralled with the current guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 fair enough, haven't done that. as i said my advice is good only if indeed there is a connection worthy of working on and the guy has to have other traits and desire to allow him to address these issues in a way that doesn't drive the both of you crazy. fighting everyday over his insecurities isn't a fun way to spend your life. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Well, here's my practical working advice on what you guys are talking about. Whatever baggage you may bring to a relationship, children, insecurity, incurable STD's, debt, whatever, you have to remember that it is YOUR baggage. You shouldn't have an expectation that the other person has to carry your baggage around. Being like that is what helps to make you undesirable, and it will generally get you bounced. So, from a practical sense, the onus for this problem is on the OP's BF. He can either fix it, or he can't, and in the meantime, she can either put up with it, or she can't. But if he can't and if she can't, it is his problem, and he'll carry that very same baggage right out of this relationship and more than likely, into the next one, and all the ones after that if he doesn't put some effort into fixing his insecurities. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author treehugger101 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 I know him and I are going to try AGAIN to work on these issues but I know it will be one of those never ending circles. Link to post Share on other sites
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