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Back with my Ex - Partners while we were apart?


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Hiya folks

 

Wondering if anyone has any similar stories or can relate to getting back with an ex (in my case after 6 months apart) knowing that they've been with other people and so have you. We were together and lived together for just over 3 years and broke up last March.

 

From the get go since we got back together, I told her that I wouldn't ask her and didn't want to know and I'd appreciate if she would do likewise in regards to what we did in the 6 months away from each other.

 

Obviously we've both had other partners in the meantime and are completely entitled to do so, but is it odd that I'm feeling a little bit upset, as she probably is?

 

What's the best way of putting these thoughts to one side and getting over them?

 

I want it to be said we're both ridiculously happy to be back together and I dont want something like this to come between us.

 

However, she was in quite an emotional and irrational state after the break up so I get the feeling she's done A LOT of things she regrets doing. My interpretation of this is she may have slept with quite a few guys who she normally wouldn't look at.

 

ANy help appreciated

 

Thanks

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I believe communication and honesty are necessary in any strong relationship. What's the harm in talking about it? I mean, you don't need to give every detail. But, in the spirit of coming together and moving forward, honesty seems important, especially as a means to end suffering. If it were me, I'd say something like, "I felt upset and lonely and was intimate with someone else. It didn't make me feel good afterwards." Just an example, i have no idea how either of you actually feel.

 

More importantly, what was the cause of the breakup and are you both confident things will be different this time? I feel like this should be the bulk of the conversation. How will things be better this time? Renew your commitment to each other in very specific ways.

 

Good luck!

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singme2sleep

First of all, congrats! Also I'm a bit jealous that you've got your ex back. On a side note, how did it happen?

 

I can understand it would bother you knowing was with others, even if you were too. It's just the nature of the beast when you love someone. I would say look at it like you're meeting all over again, starting from scratch. Leave the past in the past and just try focusing on your new future together.

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First of all, congrats! Also I'm a bit jealous that you've got your ex back. On a side note, how did it happen?

 

I can understand it would bother you knowing was with others, even if you were too. It's just the nature of the beast when you love someone. I would say look at it like you're meeting all over again, starting from scratch. Leave the past in the past and just try focusing on your new future together.

 

Started with a drunken text pretending it was meant for someone else, then a text conversation developed. The next day we had a phone conversation for 4 hours, decided to go for a couple of beers and woke up the next morning in a hotel room.

 

We haven't been out of each others company ever since :)

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greenleaves54

This is a really good question. I don't know what the best thing to do is.

 

Never mentioning whatever happened during the break-up sounds good in one way. Whatever happened, happened. Now we start out fresh.

 

But at the same time... when you or she hangs out with someone, the other person will always wonder, "Hm, did they have sex during our break-up? In that case them hanging out is really not OK...". To clear the air completely would be hurtful, but perhaps necessary for a healthy relationship in the long run?

 

Or maybe the couple could agree upon never spending time with someone they kissed/had sex with/whatever during the break-up. Maybe that's a solution? I don't know. Looking forward for someone with experience to reply here.

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This is a really good question. I don't know what the best thing to do is.

 

Never mentioning whatever happened during the break-up sounds good in one way. Whatever happened, happened. Now we start out fresh.

 

But at the same time... when you or she hangs out with someone, the other person will always wonder, "Hm, did they have sex during our break-up? In that case them hanging out is really not OK...". To clear the air completely would be hurtful, but perhaps necessary for a healthy relationship in the long run?

 

Or maybe the couple could agree upon never spending time with someone they kissed/had sex with/whatever during the break-up. Maybe that's a solution? I don't know. Looking forward for someone with experience to reply here.

 

That's the difficulty I'm having with it.

 

I know if she actually said the words that she was with other people, it would kinda crush me so I'd rather not know or hear it from her.

 

At the same time, as it stands now I can never be sure who she was with - she has quite a lot of male friends, in fact more male than female due to the line of work/college course she is studying, so now I feel like it could be any of them, but yet again I don't want to know because of how hurt I would be.

 

I hate feeling like this!

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It shouldn't matter what happened! You weren't together so y'all could have done whatever you wanted! This is just one of those things you need to put behind you and not talk or think about!

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Just an FYI, you should not post the same thread in multiple forums. The moderators will likely consolidate them.

 

I responded to the one you posted in the general relationships forum.

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Congratulations!

 

First off you don't know for sure what she has been up to. When I broke up with my first ex I didn't touch another guy for close to a year after. Not because I was too distraught, but just because I was too busy hanging out with friends and rebuilding my life to put it any effort with pursuing guys.

 

If you know she definitely has, I can't offer any solution because I'd probably feel the same way as you do. Just keep thinking that it's the same for her too, you're both in the same position.

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I am sorry if i am pessimistic, but this relationship won't work in the long run anyway... So just enjoy each other's company until you break up for a second time. Don't think too much about it.

 

Don't listen to people saying "you weren't together so it doesn't matter". Those are mostly women. Women have no problem with their men having had sex with other women, if the heart of the man is theirs. As the saying goes, "Every man wants to be the first of a woman, and every woman the last of a man".

 

Us men don't like our women to have had sex with other men, both before and after we got together.

 

Sure, we can't control the partners of a woman BEFORE she met us, but AFTER?

 

A woman having sex with another man, after having it with me, is a big NO NO. This means she wasn't commited to me. Doesn't matter if we "weren't together" at that time. If she initiated the break up, and had sex with other men, then she clearly did it because she didn't want it from me. And that's a deal breaker to me, and most men.

 

It is also a deal breaker for you, that is why you are creating those threads. You are being tormented by this. And it is natural, no matter what women are saying. They don't understand us, they are not men, do not listen to them.

 

Just understand this is just a fling, she is not the one. Have fun with her while it lasts, and then go on with your life.

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I am sorry if i am pessimistic, but this relationship won't work in the long run anyway... So just enjoy each other's company until you break up for a second time. Don't think too much about it.

 

Don't listen to people saying "you weren't together so it doesn't matter". Those are mostly women. Women have no problem with their men having had sex with other women, if the heart of the man is theirs. As the saying goes, "Every man wants to be the first of a woman, and every woman the last of a man".

 

Us men don't like our women to have had sex with other men, both before and after we got together.

 

Sure, we can't control the partners of a woman BEFORE she met us, but AFTER?

 

A woman having sex with another man, after having it with me, is a big NO NO. This means she wasn't commited to me. Doesn't matter if we "weren't together" at that time. If she initiated the break up, and had sex with other men, then she clearly did it because she didn't want it from me. And that's a deal breaker to me, and most men.

 

It is also a deal breaker for you, that is why you are creating those threads. You are being tormented by this. And it is natural, no matter what women are saying. They don't understand us, they are not men, do not listen to them.

 

Just understand this is just a fling, she is not the one. Have fun with her while it lasts, and then go on with your life.

 

That's the thing - i initiated the break up with my behaviour - she was ridiculously loyal to me, the break up was 100% down to me - i pushed her away and walked out

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I am sorry if i am pessimistic, but this relationship won't work in the long run anyway... So just enjoy each other's company until you break up for a second time. Don't think too much about it.

 

Don't listen to people saying "you weren't together so it doesn't matter". Those are mostly women. Women have no problem with their men having had sex with other women, if the heart of the man is theirs. As the saying goes, "Every man wants to be the first of a woman, and every woman the last of a man".

 

Us men don't like our women to have had sex with other men, both before and after we got together.

 

Sure, we can't control the partners of a woman BEFORE she met us, but AFTER?

 

A woman having sex with another man, after having it with me, is a big NO NO. This means she wasn't commited to me. Doesn't matter if we "weren't together" at that time. If she initiated the break up, and had sex with other men, then she clearly did it because she didn't want it from me. And that's a deal breaker to me, and most men.

 

It is also a deal breaker for you, that is why you are creating those threads. You are being tormented by this. And it is natural, no matter what women are saying. They don't understand us, they are not men, do not listen to them.

 

Just understand this is just a fling, she is not the one. Have fun with her while it lasts, and then go on with your life.

 

Christos your posts just scream ignorance to me. It's either your opinion or it's invalid. This isn't a gender issue its a personal issue. I'm a female and I can put your stereotype of what we think, right in the trash. If I got back with my ex I would definitely care about partners he'd had whilst we were apart. This relationship isn't doomed to fail either because of the fact.

 

OP seeing as you kicked your ex to the curb, a way of thinking of it was well you did break up with her so you took that chance of her being with other men.

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Christos your posts just scream ignorance to me. It's either your opinion or it's invalid. This isn't a gender issue its a personal issue. I'm a female and I can put your stereotype of what we think, right in the trash. If I got back with my ex I would definitely care about partners he'd had whilst we were apart. This relationship isn't doomed to fail either because of the fact.

 

OP seeing as you kicked your ex to the curb, a way of thinking of it was well you did break up with her so you took that chance of her being with other men.

 

Thanks for your reply Meli22 :)

 

While I didn't kick her into touch, my behaviour was unacceptable (no cheating, just going through a bad time in work and partying too much and not opening up about it to her) and it pushed her away so it was kinda mutual.

 

I'm going to see a relationship therapist next week so I will mention my feelings on the whole situation

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Christos your posts just scream ignorance to me. It's either your opinion or it's invalid. This isn't a gender issue its a personal issue. I'm a female and I can put your stereotype of what we think, right in the trash. If I got back with my ex I would definitely care about partners he'd had whilst we were apart. This relationship isn't doomed to fail either because of the fact.

 

I have spoken with far too many women and men in my life, dated, made friends, observed their lives etc. That "stereotype" exists for a reason... Stereotypes aren't fairy tales, they get formed based on common behaviours and patterns...

 

You would care about the partners your ex had had, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker like it is for men. It is not possible for you to understand a man's mind. A man wants to "possess" a woman sexually, if that woman gets possessed by other men, she gets "defiled" in his psyche. He may never admit this, maybe because he is blind from love or he is too weak and afraid of finding someone else. But trust me, this feeling is common among men.

 

If you don't want your man to have those feelings in case you reconcille, don't have sex with other men for as long as there is a chance.

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That's the thing - i initiated the break up with my behaviour - she was ridiculously loyal to me, the break up was 100% down to me - i pushed her away and walked out

 

Still, she have had sex with other men...

 

If you think it is no big deal, would you like me to describe in detail what she most likely did with them? Use your imagination... Imagine her doing all that stuff to another man, maybe more "manly" than you, and saying she is all his and all...

 

I am sure you are angry i said that, and i wasn't that graphic...

 

This will never work. No matter how hard you try to bury this feeling, you WILL get angry about it at some point. I know i would.

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I have spoken with far too many women and men in my life, dated, made friends, observed their lives etc. That "stereotype" exists for a reason... Stereotypes aren't fairy tales, they get formed based on common behaviours and patterns...

 

You would care about the partners your ex had had, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker like it is for men. It is not possible for you to understand a man's mind. A man wants to "possess" a woman sexually, if that woman gets possessed by other men, she gets "defiled" in his psyche. He may never admit this, maybe because he is blind from love or he is too weak and afraid of finding someone else. But trust me, this feeling is common among men.

 

If you don't want your man to have those feelings in case you reconcille, don't have sex with other men for as long as there is a chance.

 

I understand. I have been in a relationship with a man who wanted to know every single detail about my small sexual past and when I told him, he hated it! His problem for asking. But that stereotype doesn't fit all. I know of plenty of successful reconciliations that have happened after both partners had been in other relationships and such. Therefore it's not a deal breaker for ALL men. Obviously the thought will be there, the same way it will be for a woman too. But it's not always a deal breaker. And no one should ever have to remain single just on the off chance that their ex may want them back, and they don't want to distort an image of themselves. Most successful reconciliations happen after a long time where partners have met other people and grown. Are you telling me you'd remain celibate for the sake of protecting your own image in your exes eyes, if there was a slight chance for reconciliation? if your answers no, please don't preach to others about what's right and wrong for women and men to do when they're apart.

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Get OVER it! If she's back with you and no one else, you should be proud. Some people NEVER get the opportunity to get the person they love back so be grateful she didn''t cheat on you ATLEAST. Move on from it or you will drive the relationship downhill AGAIN!

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Still, she have had sex with other men...

 

If you think it is no big deal, would you like me to describe in detail what she most likely did with them? Use your imagination... Imagine her doing all that stuff to another man, maybe more "manly" than you, and saying she is all his and all...

 

I am sure you are angry i said that, and i wasn't that graphic...

 

This will never work. No matter how hard you try to bury this feeling, you WILL get angry about it at some point. I know i would.

 

That paragraph was pointless. It's almost as though you don't want others to be successful. This man is looking for advice, not scenarios. Maybe your ex is doing that with another man right now

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NoLeafClover
Hiya folks

 

Wondering if anyone has any similar stories or can relate to getting back with an ex (in my case after 6 months apart) knowing that they've been with other people and so have you. We were together and lived together for just over 3 years and broke up last March.

 

From the get go since we got back together, I told her that I wouldn't ask her and didn't want to know and I'd appreciate if she would do likewise in regards to what we did in the 6 months away from each other.

 

Obviously we've both had other partners in the meantime and are completely entitled to do so, but is it odd that I'm feeling a little bit upset, as she probably is?

 

What's the best way of putting these thoughts to one side and getting over them?

 

I want it to be said we're both ridiculously happy to be back together and I dont want something like this to come between us.

 

However, she was in quite an emotional and irrational state after the break up so I get the feeling she's done A LOT of things she regrets doing. My interpretation of this is she may have slept with quite a few guys who she normally wouldn't look at.

 

ANy help appreciated

 

Thanks

You will not get over it.

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I'll give you some help...

 

First, don't assume that she's upset by any of your behavior in the last six months. Second, don't assume that she regrets what she did during that same time.

 

It seems to me that you're projecting... you're upset at what your imagination tells you that she may have done, and the more depraved your mind makes it, the more upset you probably are. As for regret, I think maybe you regret what she might have done.

 

This is nothing but jealousy. What probably upsets you deep down in your core is not the sex itself, but rather her attitude towards the man (men?) when she was having sex with them. I think what bothers you is her willingness and enthusiasm... she took this sacred thing you did together, and then did the same with other guys, not meaninglessly, but hungrily, surrendering herself to them. I think what bothers you is the idea that not only did she give her body away, she gave herself away too, that part that you thought was yours, and yours alone.

 

I hate to tell you, but if I'm even halfway close, you've got to deal with that, because one day, your jealousy is going to grow up and turn into resentment. There's this big elephant in the room that you have to walk around, and you've made an agreement to ignore it. It doesn't matter that she doesn't notice it. You do, and so your attempt at avoiding the truth is doomed to fail.

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Are you telling me you'd remain celibate for the sake of protecting your own image in your exes eyes, if there was a slight chance for reconciliation? if your answers no, please don't preach to others about what's right and wrong for women and men to do when they're apart.

 

Of course not. After a break up, like my most recent one, i will remain "celibate" for a short period, mostly in order to heal. During that time, i will reach out to that woman, and will explain to her that the time is now, if i begin having sex with other women, it's over.

 

And it is. After i make the decision to move on, and get physical with another, i will NEVER get back to an ex. It is over for me.

 

I can't stand knowing a person i loved, broke up with me and had sex with other men, and then came back to me. I don't want her, they can have her, i prefer to find a new woman.

 

You women, care about the past women in the sense of "did he love her? did she give him STDs?, but you don't get much torment from it. Because, after all, he is now with you. So, you get validation from the fact that even though he had had sex with other women, he dumped them and came back to you. It is not the same, it is not a deal-breaking situation like men.

 

Sure, after far too many years, some men may not care. But this happens mostly because at that time, most unattached men are kinda desperate for a relationship too, and overlook many things. So they give the impression they don't care that much. They do, trust me. They just convince themselves not to.

 

PS: For example, based on ByMyself01's opinion, i am sure she is a woman.

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I'll give you some help...

 

First, don't assume that she's upset by any of your behavior in the last six months. Second, don't assume that she regrets what she did during that same time.

 

It seems to me that you're projecting... you're upset at what your imagination tells you that she may have done, and the more depraved your mind makes it, the more upset you probably are. As for regret, I think maybe you regret what she might have done.

 

This is nothing but jealousy. What probably upsets you deep down in your core is not the sex itself, but rather her attitude towards the man (men?) when she was having sex with them. I think what bothers you is her willingness and enthusiasm... she took this sacred thing you did together, and then did the same with other guys, not meaninglessly, but hungrily, surrendering herself to them. I think what bothers you is the idea that not only did she give her body away, she gave herself away too, that part that you thought was yours, and yours alone.

 

I hate to tell you, but if I'm even halfway close, you've got to deal with that, because one day, your jealousy is going to grow up and turn into resentment. There's this big elephant in the room that you have to walk around, and you've made an agreement to ignore it. It doesn't matter that she doesn't notice it. You do, and so your attempt at avoiding the truth is doomed to fail.

 

She seems to ask about it a lot more than me - not straight out asking but kinda implying or fishing inadvertently for information

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NoLeafClover
Get OVER it! If she's back with you and no one else, you should be proud. Some people NEVER get the opportunity to get the person they love back so be grateful she didn''t cheat on you ATLEAST. Move on from it or you will drive the relationship downhill AGAIN!

 

How do you get over the fact your gf was doing someone else in such short period of time...cause you seemed to have figured this out by just saying "Get OVER it"

It takes more than just getting over the image of them sharing such intimates moments. It is one of the few reasons why reconciliation is so hard. It would take him years to be without her and then get back together without the thought of her doing others crossing his mind.

To me, this isn't going to work. If they wanted to be together they would have either waited longer to move on fully or get back together without being involved with others. If you are sleeping with others in a short period of time after BU and go back to an ex , it is no different than the grass is greener stories I see on here.

I wouldn't wanna be with an ex who had to screw others just to realize I was the better person.

The sad thing is, dumper is doing it to move on while the dumpee is doing it because gigs.

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