Jump to content

Is the Grass really Greener on the other side?


Recommended Posts

My ex gf and I have been together for 3 years and we were doing great. All of a sudden, he met a guy and started dating him but she came back to me after a couple of months.

 

We stayed together again for 3 months and everything started falling apart in our relationship and I could feel she was becoming distant. I had a feeling she was still in contact with the other guy and I was right. We've broken up for a month now and I'm in no contact right now for 2 weeks or so.

 

I'm in the process of moving on and healing...

 

Yet is the grass really greener on the other side?

Your thoughts people.. Thanks! :cool:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

The fact that you're asking this questions suggests you aren't truly moving on. Sounds like you're still trying to cling onto hope of a reconciliation. Hoping she'll wake up one day and come to her senses but truth is, you're better off out of it! Do you really want to be with someone for whom you are merely a safety net?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some people see things that way (grass is greener) and relationships are transitory for them for those reasons. Others have their own reasons having nothing to do with GIGS. Others have no reason at all. Once one accepts that all relationships are transitory because, well, we all die, and some relationships, probably most overall, don't last until death, processing out loss of love and intimacy with another can flow into love for and intimacy with self and, perhaps, another in the future.

 

If you've ever grieved the death of a loved one, the process is somewhat similar. The difference is the death is of the relationship, not the person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No, it is not.

 

The other guy is not better than you. Actually, YOU are the better person, because you were commited to your RS, and you actually managed to forgive a cheater, something which is divine and you should be proud of yourself. Of course, it was also stupid to take her back, but, it was noble. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

On the other hand, the other guy, hooked up with a commited woman, and then after she came back to you, continued to communicate and obviously dating her. A really lame person.

 

Your ex is also a bad person. She cares only about her sexual urges and her "feeeeeeeeeelings", and doesn't give a **** about both of you. You are just there to amuse her.

 

So, don't take it personally. It is not your fault your ex is a wh@re. Ok? Relax, try to understand, and move on. AND NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER.

 

Again, the grass is never greener. The perception of it is. But not for long.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The fact that you're asking this questions suggests you aren't truly moving on. Sounds like you're still trying to cling onto hope of a reconciliation. Hoping she'll wake up one day and come to her senses but truth is, you're better off out of it! Do you really want to be with someone for whom you are merely a safety net?

 

I'll be honest that I haven't move on and but I'm taking the necessary steps to get there... At the same time, I take responsibility on my part to what happened to our relationship.

 

The reason why I'm asking this question I guess is to point a fact that when people go to the other side do they find happiness or is it another dead end for them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The reason why I'm asking this question I guess is to point a fact that when people go to the other side do they find happiness or is it another dead end for them.

 

No, because happiness comes from within, not from the grass. It comes from their heart. So when they get to the other side, the carry themselves and their issues with them. It is not better, it is not worse. "Changing the side of the grass" is just an illusion, a placebo. It won't have any effect.

 

You have also to understand, that a person who is capable of acting like this, is an emotionally damaged person. This person, most probably will never be happy in its entire life. They have to search for the problem themselves, and the whole "side switching" is so they distract themselves from their pain and the need to change themselves.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No, it is not.

 

The other guy is not better than you. Actually, YOU are the better person, because you were commited to your RS, and you actually managed to forgive a cheater, something which is divine and you should be proud of yourself. Of course, it was also stupid to take her back, but, it was noble. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

On the other hand, the other guy, hooked up with a commited woman, and then after she came back to you, continued to communicate and obviously dating her. A really lame person.

 

Your ex is also a bad person. She cares only about her sexual urges and her "feeeeeeeeeelings", and doesn't give a **** about both of you. You are just there to amuse her.

 

So, don't take it personally. It is not your fault your ex is a wh@re. Ok? Relax, try to understand, and move on. AND NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER.

 

Again, the grass is never greener. The perception of it is. But not for long.

 

Very good points, Christos

 

I'll be honest to that I am still in the grieving process and working on the stages of despair. At the same time, I am not wasting time just sitting on my room and crying myself to sleep. In fact, I'm actually taking proactive steps to start moving on... Again, it is a hard, difficult but necessary process. In the end, I know this experience will make me a better person and have better standards when it comes to women and relationships.

 

I felt betrayed and cheated on.. I'll say that. At the same time, I also take responsibility that I played some part on this break up. I can say though that I tried my best to salvage what we have yet it takes two people to make a relationship work out.

 

I try my best not to be bitter and upset with her but these are all normal feelings. I try to be the better person and I can hold my head high knowing I tried my best with the pure and utmost intentions of loving her and saving our relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never felt any desire to ever seek "greener" pastures when in a relationship so i cant say. new relationship / affair with lies and cheating is not a good start. Whether she finds happiness or not..does it matter to you now? You shouldn't waste time thinking about her and her future anymore.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I've never felt any desire to ever seek "greener" pastures when in a relationship so i cant say. new relationship / affair with lies and cheating is not a good start. Whether she finds happiness or not..does it matter to you now? You shouldn't waste time thinking about her and her future anymore.

 

Very good point, smiley1!

 

I guess you're right that whatever she does or thinks doesn't concern me anymore. But I'll be honest with you that I still do think about her. Is it pointless, probably. Is it normal, I think so.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

For some of us, yes.

 

I was with a guy for over 11 years. He was nice, not abusive, but really had not ambition whatsoever. We met when I was 29 so it was no big deal to me that he wore nothing but jeans and t-shirts, had long hair, and aspirations to create music.

 

But when I hit 40 and I was working three jobs to help him buy equipment while the best job he could get was as a night stock-clerk at Target, I realized that my "grass" was quite brown and dead. So I looked towards greener pastures and - yes - found it (although not without dating a LOT of frogs in the interim.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
For some of us, yes.

 

I was with a guy for over 11 years. He was nice, not abusive, but really had not ambition whatsoever. We met when I was 29 so it was no big deal to me that he wore nothing but jeans and t-shirts, had long hair, and aspirations to create music.

 

But when I hit 40 and I was working three jobs to help him buy equipment while the best job he could get was as a night stock-clerk at Target, I realized that my "grass" was quite brown and dead. So I looked towards greener pastures and - yes - found it (although not without dating a LOT of frogs in the interim.

 

Oh I definitely see your perspective! It's really a bummer if a guy has no real ambition in life. That would put a strain on any relationship eventually.

 

But I believe what I have to offer her is something great.

I'm a Registered Nurse (RN) for years and I really like what I do. So she can't say I have no ambitions whatsoever.

Edited by Itachi
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
For some of us, yes.

 

I was with a guy for over 11 years. He was nice, not abusive, but really had not ambition whatsoever. We met when I was 29 so it was no big deal to me that he wore nothing but jeans and t-shirts, had long hair, and aspirations to create music.

 

But when I hit 40 and I was working three jobs to help him buy equipment while the best job he could get was as a night stock-clerk at Target, I realized that my "grass" was quite brown and dead. So I looked towards greener pastures and - yes - found it (although not without dating a LOT of frogs in the interim.

 

I am curious, are you still with the "greener pastures" you found? Everything still ok?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
No, because happiness comes from within, not from the grass. It comes from their heart. So when they get to the other side, the carry themselves and their issues with them. It is not better, it is not worse. "Changing the side of the grass" is just an illusion, a placebo. It won't have any effect.

 

You have also to understand, that a person who is capable of acting like this, is an emotionally damaged person. This person, most probably will never be happy in its entire life. They have to search for the problem themselves, and the whole "side switching" is so they distract themselves from their pain and the need to change themselves.

 

This is probably the best thing you'll read today. If you're not content with yourself you will never be content in a new relationship no matter how much you may believe that the grass is greener.

 

i.e. I believe if someone leaves a relationship because they are not happy in it (given that the reason for unhappiness isn't something like being cheated on), they will run into the exact same issues in the next relationship unless they change their ways, despite whether or not they felt they were not at fault for the last relationship ending.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I only agree with the "greener pastures" concept if your partner was abusive, irresponsible, cheating on you or doesn't care about your well being.

 

I don't agree on it when you feel like your relationship have some minor problems that proper communication and some efforts to fix is necessary and yet you still chose to take the easy way out.

 

I call that self centered selfishness and protecting your ego.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am curious, are you still with the "greener pastures" you found? Everything still ok?

 

Oh, no. In fact, the ending of the relationship that was ostensibly the "greener pastures" was what brought me to this site in 2008. It was beyond toxic.

 

BUT, the 11-year relationship needed to end. It should have ended much sooner than it did but - as I said - he wasn't a bad guy. He just wasn't the right guy for me and we both simply held on longer than we should have.

 

Christos, I was married at 20 and divorced within five years. It took me another 25 years (and several long-term relationships, including the previous two I mentioned) before I would meet someone that made me reconsider marriage.

 

As others have said, your mistake was taking her back when she left the first time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Oh, no. In fact, the ending of the relationship that was ostensibly the "greener pastures" was what brought me to this site in 2008. It was beyond toxic.

 

BUT, the 11-year relationship needed to end. It should have ended much sooner than it did but - as I said - he wasn't a bad guy. He just wasn't the right guy for me and we both simply held on longer than we should have.

 

Christos, I was married at 20 and divorced within five years. It took me another 25 years (and several long-term relationships, including the previous two I mentioned) before I would meet someone that made me reconsider marriage.

 

As others have said, your mistake was taking her back when she left the first time.

 

That's true... yet at that moment I wanted to give her another chance.

 

Yet here I am again, dumped and left on the curb.

 

Very costly price to pay... charging it to experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's true... yet at that moment I wanted to give her another chance.

Probably because you wanted the girl you first fell in love with and were hoping to get HER back.

 

Yet here I am again, dumped and left on the curb.

Because she is someone else now.

 

Very costly price to pay... charging it to experience.

Best to chalk it up to a learning experience. You will survive - and love again...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Probably because you wanted the girl you first fell in love with and were hoping to get HER back.

 

 

Because she is someone else now.

 

 

Best to chalk it up to a learning experience. You will survive - and love again...

 

Very true, CarrieT

 

I totally take responsibility on my actions and decision.

 

It's true that I feel like this because she's with someone else. But I told her a couple weeks ago that I'm letting her go...

 

When you love someone and they don't want to be with you, you let them go. Love must be free.

 

What does not kill me makes me stronger and wiser! :D

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I only agree with the "greener pastures" concept if your partner was abusive, irresponsible, cheating on you or doesn't care about your well being.

 

I don't agree on it when you feel like your relationship have some minor problems that proper communication and some efforts to fix is necessary and yet you still chose to take the easy way out.

 

I call that self centered selfishness and protecting your ego.

 

So do I.

 

My ex left me for similar reasons, feeling like she had lost the feelings for me. I had tried earlier to talk to her about it but she didn't have any workable answers (felt to me like what you were saying about the easy way out) so it just came back again and we broke up.

 

This hurt me greatly for the exact reasons you seem to be thinking. I was more than willing to try and fix what I thought was a totally fixable issue, but she couldn't be bothered. So as much as it hurt to let her go, why should I waste time with a woman who can't be bothered to work with me?

 

Same goes for you but x10. Why should you be bothered with a woman who can't be bothered to work on you but instead decides that cheating is the better way to fix the issue.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh, no. In fact, the ending of the relationship that was ostensibly the "greener pastures" was what brought me to this site in 2008. It was beyond toxic.

 

Well, then you answered incorrectly to this thread, and reaffirmed what i said. The grass is not greener on the other side. You did learn the hard way.

 

BUT, the 11-year relationship needed to end. It should have ended much sooner than it did but - as I said - he wasn't a bad guy. He just wasn't the right guy for me and we both simply held on longer than we should have.

 

He wasn't the right guy for you because he didn't have enough money or a better job than you. That is not a valid reason in my eyes, and you seem to appear shallow. IF on the other hand, your problem was that you wanted a family and kids and he didn't, then yes, he wasn't the right person for you.

 

Christos, I was married at 20 and divorced within five years. It took me another 25 years (and several long-term relationships, including the previous two I mentioned) before I would meet someone that made me reconsider marriage.

 

I am not judging you. I asked because i felt that something was off. Most of the time some person tells me that the grass was indeed greener, it appears it really wasn't, there is always a catch. And since our friend, the OP, needs to read this, in order to feel better, i don't think it is right to tell him you found better grass when you, well, didn't.

 

In your case, a beyond toxic relationship with your "prince charming". See? The grass wasn't greener, it just had more money.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, then you answered incorrectly to this thread, and reaffirmed what i said. The grass is not greener on the other side. You did learn the hard way.

The grass was not greener with the guy I left my relationship for, correct. However, ultimately the grass was MUCH greener as I lived my life more fully.

 

He wasn't the right guy for you because he didn't have enough money or a better job than you. That is not a valid reason in my eyes, and you seem to appear shallow. IF on the other hand, your problem was that you wanted a family and kids and he didn't, then yes, he wasn't the right person for you.

Since I only mentioned one aspect of the relationship, you are grasping at straws. It was not a matter of money or a better job. It was - if you want to research my history which I have elaborated on often - the fact that at approaching 40 years of age, he had NO FUTURE ASPIRATIONS whatsoever and was quite content with me working three jobs to keeps us afloat.

 

I am not judging you. I asked because i felt that something was off. Most of the time some person tells me that the grass was indeed greener, it appears it really wasn't, there is always a catch. And since our friend, the OP, needs to read this, in order to feel better, i don't think it is right to tell him you found better grass when you, well, didn't.

Again, I believe you are wrong. My grass WAS ultimately greener and would never have become so had I stayed in a relationship that was not working.

 

In your case, a beyond toxic relationship with your "prince charming". See? The grass wasn't greener, it just had more money.

Why do you keep emphasizing money? That was hardly a factor in my grass becoming greener.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So do I.

 

My ex left me for similar reasons, feeling like she had lost the feelings for me. I had tried earlier to talk to her about it but she didn't have any workable answers (felt to me like what you were saying about the easy way out) so it just came back again and we broke up.

 

This hurt me greatly for the exact reasons you seem to be thinking. I was more than willing to try and fix what I thought was a totally fixable issue, but she couldn't be bothered. So as much as it hurt to let her go, why should I waste time with a woman who can't be bothered to work with me?

 

Same goes for you but x10. Why should you be bothered with a woman who can't be bothered to work on you but instead decides that cheating is the better way to fix the issue.

 

Well said.. some women, not all, find it easier to bail out of a relationship than to fix it with you hand and hand.

 

I guess its much easier changing teams than fixing the problems.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

CarrieT, there is no reason to derail the thread. I am not familiar with your story, i am new on this forum, i registered about a month ago.

 

In any case, i will only say that "future aspirations" means, "money". Why are you so ashamed of admitting this, is beyond me. If future aspirations meant "things he was passionate about and wanted to achieve", then he did, he wanted to create music. See?

 

And what hint do you provide to us? That you worked 3 jobs to help him. So it was about money. But you won't admit it.

 

I am not saying that he was the best man ever, or even good for you. The mere fact that at 40 he let you work 3 jobs to support him is bad. But you did abandon him because he didn't make enough and he didn't have a nice career.

 

And you "loved" your "prince charming" because he was a professional with money and took you to places, from what i saw on that thread.

 

But, he was toxic. I don't know what you mean, because i don't know your story.

 

Ultimately, things worked out for you, and that's good. Let's stop posting off topic :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
My ex gf and I have been together for 3 years and we were doing great. All of a sudden, he met a guy and started dating him but she came back to me after a couple of months.

 

We stayed together again for 3 months and everything started falling apart in our relationship and I could feel she was becoming distant. I had a feeling she was still in contact with the other guy and I was right. We've broken up for a month now and I'm in no contact right now for 2 weeks or so.

 

I'm in the process of moving on and healing...

 

Yet is the grass really greener on the other side?

Your thoughts people.. Thanks! :cool:

 

It depends. If she left you for someone else because she simpily just started liking someone else . Then chances are no the grass will not be greener. Ive been their. It sucks.

 

The grass is only greener if it's a abusive relationship.

 

She'll be back. But don't wait around because when she does come .you may of met the real love of your life

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It can definitely be greener. Anybody who doesn't think so has to consider themselves the best person possible.

 

The undeniable truth of GIGS is that you, yes you, are not the perfect person, not even close. You might care in a certain way, and you might feel in a certain way, but none of that matters. What matters is where you stand in the list of what makes you a perfect partner for your guy/gal. That list is very subjective and even though you might be the person

 

Remember that change is the only constant. So if you are the perfect person for your SO, that will probably change, because you change. Or, it might not change because you don't and your SO doesn't change either. One thing is for sure... you're changing and your SO is changing too. Chances are you're growing apart, rather than becoming more perfect.

 

Take heart from this. A breakup can be the best thing tha'ts ever happened to you. You have a chance to learn and grow and beneifit from the alternative.

 

I know I've ventured onto greener grass before. Many times.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...