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N C works even when we were friends after break?


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Im a from Swedenso I hope Ive put things right for you to be able to understand my english.

 

It really take much of my energy to be in this state of mind I broke up this five years relationship, living together, for four.

 

He had never felt so strong before and he said that it felt like winning a million dollar on lottery. It really sparkled between us. The last year of living together, I slowly started loose interest in him. Our cats didn’t get along and that was very stressfull too. He was much of a “Mr nice gue”, and a pleaser. He didn’t even have the ability to talk about our problems, and he often said, “it doesn’t matter what I say it just come out wrong when I try”.

 

I started treating him bad, lost my respect somehow ( not cheating, but bitchy) , even nagged on him about his look LI lost my sex interest in him and he “exepted it”, too, and never confronted me. He have had three relationships.

 

So I mowed out, last sept ( he didn’t want this ). During the time, we kept contact quite often, he helped me with everything, when I was in hospital, and when my cat died in cancer, my mother died I was devastated. Krises. But I didn’t even think of, “going back together ” there was a lot of negative things going on in my life so I think I didn’t sat down and think clearly, or: I just saw him as I kind of a friend, but neverthougt I would loose him. And NEVER had any one else in mind during this year.

 

He didn’t show his heart broke during this time. So I suppose he kept everything inside. He didsome attempts to show me he wanted me back. I was not open for it then….. Wellone year of therapy now, hopefully made me a better woman.

 

there has been a lot of crying from me something he never seen before as much( because im a pretty “tough”one) , Because of a lot bad thingshappened as I said. . he was there for me. i was in therapy because i felt a depression,so that made me more of an unstable person ( during the time). Lots of hugs from him when Ive been crying. Changing of moods and taking it out on him sometime.So i really have not in ANY circumstances showed the best of me. therapy , just finished .

 

I really don’t know when he stopped loving me but yes he had have a long time to get use to “NOT US”… on the other hand we kept in contact this whole year ( sept 2014 moved –sept now)., He feels better now he says. I have shown him the new better me the last meetings we have had.

 

I m “certain” he wanted me back untill at least april this year. Well one time he said, i just want to be friends when I asked to see “where he was in his mind” ( Mars), and i just respond, “well i accept that” (because we havnt been even intimate for a long time as far as hugs . And my feelings where not there. Not then anyway)

 

his body langugage ( eyes) said something else sometimes well in april for sure , when he gazed at me when me dressed up for example. but at the time, i didn’t think about it i was not receptfull for him at all, then. he Always showed up nice dressed, and as he growed a bear ( something I waanted him to do when where were togher…), he wanted ME to be the fisrt to say if i liked or not ( april/May) Came to me at easter with flowers.

 

he Have saved some voice messeges from me, me “being silly” and plaid it for me when we was joking at my place. Well i had a lot of chances (I THINK) to take him back…

 

then in may or june i started “waking up”. He moved in mars to a nearbytown, the one he came from before. and got back to his “old self” so to speak, felling well, and I know he feels good being back, he don’t like Malmoe he says. He helped me when my mother died in may, adopted her bodgie as i didn’t know what to do with three cats at home…, cleaning her appartment with me etc

 

One appointment in May that he forgot about, we should have met up at my mothers to clean, he didt come so i called him and went “angry”,( he had been drinking the night before forgot our appontment), and then he came three hours later after I called him)… so I just said when finished” thank you for helping me, I let you know if i need/want anything else, bye” , I was angry so therefore i wanted him to know that i was the one to contact him, not the opposite

 

one week later it was my birthday in june, he showed up unexpecedly with roses ( well not red ones) was very pleasant/amusing and even fun. I hugged him when he left and told him “i miss you sometimes”, i asked if he misses me he said: only the good parts. I think the roses was just because he had a bad consience forforgot last appointment right?

After the roses i texted him Three weeks later ( not needy): “Hope you will have a nice holiday!”

 

And I think it was there i started to woke up and miss him. He responded at once : “It will probably be ok..How are you?” I texted, “oh everything is good, jogging every day,have ended the therapy with new insights, got some tools for my “escape behaviors”( yes i think i have some problems with that in realtionships)and other patterns that was not good” and send him a picture of me, “so you don’t forget me”.

 

I wrote that“I hoped he will be there for me as a friend as [/i]he said once before we should be” . ( hope he had a good memory this was in mars he said like this but im not sure he really ment it..)

 

He texted: , “oh nice picture looking good!. i wont forget us”. But didt mention the friend part. So three days later i texted back:“hey are you on a holiday?” Him: “Oh… sorry i forgot to answer, the other part, yes we can“keep in contact” Then I texted, “you have been there for me for better and for worse times. I am sorry for my behavior. You are the bestJ! And some day you will find the best for you ( in swedish “you will find someone”). STUPID of me…

He wished me “ a better furture to”, and said that he be there when he was able to with a smiley with a gloria above.

the day after I texted to have a reason to meet up later sometime in tha next week,, and texted “well im going to a wedding in the country over the weekend, , spend a fortune on a dress! ( i usually never wear a dress) Shall we see eatch other next week we can probably do something then”?

 

No answer,the weekend went by.he answered on monday (After the wedding weekend):. No I cant next week. I wroteback “well just say if you don’t want to see me anymore??!! but i do think wecan have some benefits out of it as we don’t have many friends “

No answer…

 

Called him a week later, and he went : oh, i thought about calling you bla bla…there was a concert, but then iforget about it, so i said “well i can come to your place for dinner”. Spoke for an hour. So i did, but then again it was me who had to call again the same day to say what train i would be on…( so no interest i think…) and he was cold as i fish, well as a friend he acted, but very distant. ( im sure he felt what i was up to?) . And he did a very clear point in that by saing on thephone” i drive you home later “( that was i nice way to say “we will not drink alcohol, and this is JUST dinner and me not sleeping over)

So on our way to the car after visiting him/dinner, I took his hand, and when saying goodbye i kissed him…Approached him, hugged him and he didn’t back off but no good response either.

 

I called one week later, and try to ask things. He said it didn’t feelright to kiss. and that conversation was not in my favour. said some stupid things about how good sex we used to have…, he sounded interested in that conversation some way…. He asked if i don’t like being alone and i said i miss nearness i asked him: if he didn’t want us to have contact, you would say that to me? He said yes i would. And as he was honest about that he also said that it didn’t feel right to kiss ,

I said i miss him sometimes, do you miss me? Well your body, he said. I said WHAT and what do you mean by that? And he said i don’t know what i meen, i was joking and i asked “why roses on birthday”, he said I don’t know, he is not the person who have sex “out of the blue” not even with me. .I know him. my sex interest has woke up after being onEcitalopran for 1, 5 years. I said that to him too, he knows.

 

He came the week after, after work, BUT I had to remind him by calling Again ( in that call above when I said that I miss him, “do you miss me”? …as he had promised me, to put a lamp up. I was just having dinner,and he was not hungry so he said, “i laydown on the sofa” so there he was on his back…( he did that often after workbefore) . i didn’t react on the sofa thing ( i saw that as in invation im sure on that one)…, as he had said that there was not feelings for me on the phone,

 

He was kind of teasing me... When standing on the chair to hit the roof for putting the lamp up, he took the screwdriver in front of his fly“joking”….i didn’t do anything.He also started to teesing me by “put up a fight tuching me and i “stroke” back (as we use to). Havent seen that for a longtime… And when we went down to the cellar to place the old lamp , he

 

 

NOW it seems as was the dumper, i have become the dumpee?? He have had along time to getting use to “not us”. But as I said I know he wanted us back togheter in some form, at least untill April. I don’t know where his feeling isnow, but as I said he acted strange when the lamp was fixed. Does NC do anything for “uS”.

 

He is use to( the latest month,s) that we at least talk in about three weeks. NOW three weeks has gone. I guess my questions is: Can he start to miss me even if he is use not having me, as time goes, or is to late, as he have had a long time to get use to us not being a couple? But not to NC. Im so confused, thinking he instead i will drive him further away.

So: I know he was very much in love with me. I know I had a chance untill at least mars april, (then the roses in 27 june.)

 

I know he still like my look. But im not sure, if he would give me a second chance…Mabye this is where NC get to “work”? What would his ( just guesses I understand) feelings tell “him” if I stay out of our ways for more than a month? Me myself havE allready start to miss him BAD…..I don’t understand“the “invitations” last time I saw him,when he was teasing me, laid on the sofa etc…?

 

I don’t know what to do! I want him back for a second chance, is it tolate?I have change a bit to since therapy, and he knows because ive told him .

 

Sorry for the caps, and don’t seem to to be able to change that without writing it all from the beginning again!

Regards Anne

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged two identical threads and cleaned up messy code
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I think you blew it. Confess your feelings to him and see what he says. Be 100 percent honest in your regret.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Sorry to hear about your mother...He moved on and I think its better to leave things as they are because its not fair to play with peoples feelings like that....

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Well, having gone through your post and read it while editing it, what it all boils down to is that you ended a relationship with him, he moved on, and you now want him back.

You are also wondering whether going NC will make him miss you and want you back, possibly.

 

You have made so many mistakes here, it's hard to know where to start.

 

ONE: When you break up with someone, you should immediately drop off all contact and not speak to each other, in any way at all.

 

TWO: Maintaining a 'friendship' after you have broken up is hurtful and unnecessary, to the person who has been dumped.

You can't dump someone, then just expect to be able to be their friend.

 

THREE: I'm sure he understands you want back in, and you're right: He is teasing you.

And he can do that, because he really doesn't care to get involved with you in a relationship, again.

 

FOUR: If you go No Contact now, it would be the very best thing for you both.

BUT: No Contact is NOT a tool or method to get someone's attention, or to get their interest back up, or to get them to come back.

 

No Contact is final.

It moves you on and prevents this silly "living in Limbo" you are now in.

Please read the No Contact Guide (the link is in my signature, first post I made) and you should read it attentively.

 

The time with this guy, is over, and you need to quit poking him, and he needs to be left alone to get on with his life.

He will be your friend, but if you want more than that, it's not going to work that way.

That ship has sailed, and it's over.

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greenleaves54

Well have you asked him if he wants to get back together?

 

Because that's what you want right? If you're not sure though - leave him alone. But if you want to - approach him!

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Well have you asked him if he wants to get back together?

 

Because that's what you want right? If you're not sure though - leave him alone. But if you want to - approach him!

 

What would you do if your ex approached you with that question?

 

Break NC? or ignore...?

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greenleaves54
What would you do if your ex approached you with that question?

 

Break NC? or ignore...?

 

Maybe I misunderstood the situation. It seemed to me that OP broke up, continued being friends with ex, changed her mind about breaking up but never clearly approached him about her mistake. If he on the contrary knows how she feels but doesn't want to get back together then obviously NC is the only choice.

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Maybe I misunderstood the situation. It seemed to me that OP broke up, continued being friends with ex, changed her mind about breaking up but never clearly approached him about her mistake. If he on the contrary knows how she feels but doesn't want to get back together then obviously NC is the only choice.

 

I dont think he knows how op is feeling about him.

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I dont think he knows how op is feeling about him.

 

On the contrary, if you read the first long post, it seems he may have an idea....

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To begin with HE was the one to want to be friends, and things just rolled on like it use to. I HAVE NOT been using him in a friendship...But as severel things happend to me, he was there for me. I know what NC meens, and Ive read all about it, even from Corey Wayne the coach. I was in shock when all the bad things happend, and NOW is the first time, also doing therapy during the time, I started to miss him, and regret.

 

 

Well, having gone through your post and read it while editing it, what it all boils down to is that you ended a relationship with him, he moved on, and you now want him back.

You are also wondering whether going NC will make him miss you and want you back, possibly.

 

You have made so many mistakes here, it's hard to know where to start.

 

ONE: When you break up with someone, you should immediately drop off all contact and not speak to each other, in any way at all.

 

TWO: Maintaining a 'friendship' after you have broken up is hurtful and unnecessary, to the person who has been dumped.

You can't dump someone, then just expect to be able to be their friend.

 

THREE: I'm sure he understands you want back in, and you're right: He is teasing you.

And he can do that, because he really doesn't care to get involved with you in a relationship, again.

 

FOUR: If you go No Contact now, it would be the very best thing for you both.

BUT: No Contact is NOT a tool or method to get someone's attention, or to get their interest back up, or to get them to come back.

 

No Contact is final.

It moves you on and prevents this silly "living in Limbo" you are now in.

Please read the No Contact Guide (the link is in my signature, first post I made) and you should read it attentively.

 

The time with this guy, is over, and you need to quit poking him, and he needs to be left alone to get on with his life.

He will be your friend, but if you want more than that, it's not going to work that way.

That ship has sailed, and it's over.

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What would you do if your ex approached you with that question?

 

Break NC? or ignore...?

With what question? I would reply YES lets try "us" again.

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On the contrary, if you read the first long post, it seems he may have an idea....

 

 

Sorry that i have hard time interpret Everything written here, as Im from Sweden. What does it mean" READ THE FIRST POST"??

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What would you do if your ex approached you with that question?

 

Break NC? or ignore...?[/quote

 

 

I wouldnt go NC ofcourse, if he asked me to get back together, I would be very happy. For med as it is about three weeks since we spoke, and I start to get very anxious, about not him contacting me, also feels a strong longing, after him HOPING he feels the same...

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Well, having gone through your post and read it while editing it, what it all boils down to is that you ended a relationship with him, he moved on, and you now want him back.

You are also wondering whether going NC will make him miss you and want you back, possibly.

 

You have made so many mistakes here, it's hard to know where to start.

 

ONE: When you break up with someone, you should immediately drop off all contact and not speak to each other, in any way at all.

 

TWO: Maintaining a 'friendship' after you have broken up is hurtful and unnecessary, to the person who has been dumped.

You can't dump someone, then just expect to be able to be their friend.

 

THREE: I'm sure he understands you want back in, and you're right: He is teasing you.

And he can do that, because he really doesn't care to get involved with you in a relationship, again.

 

FOUR: If you go No Contact now, it would be the very best thing for you both.

BUT: No Contact is NOT a tool or method to get someone's attention, or to get their interest back up, or to get them to come back.

 

No Contact is final.

It moves you on and prevents this silly "living in Limbo" you are now in.

Please read the No Contact Guide (the link is in my signature, first post I made) and you should read it attentively.

 

The time with this guy, is over, and you need to quit poking him, and he needs to be left alone to get on with his life.

He will be your friend, but if you want more than that, it's not going to work that way.

That ship has sailed, and it's over.

 

 

SOME PRETTY HARD Words from you. ..He is not a teaser, AND THAT Im surtain about! Im quite sure he is, unsecure about what he wants. At least concerning the last meeting when he did a lot "approches"!!

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SOME PRETTY HARD Words from you. ..He is not a teaser, AND THAT Im surtain about! Im quite sure he is, unsecure about what he wants. At least concerning the last meeting when he did a lot "approches"!!

Maybe, I shall add, that he acctually came to me with roses in june on my birthday, that matters, I Think. I dont Think your EX gives roses if he dont want to have anything to do with me?!

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With what question? I would reply YES lets try "us" again.

 

The question was for greenleaves54:) I know your answer.

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greenleaves54
The question was for greenleaves54:) I know your answer.

 

I didn't understand why that was relevant since on contrary to the OP I was the dumpee and not the dumper.

 

But to answer your question, I would accept her back if she is sure of herself and what she wants and passes the questions I have for her :) So yes I would break NC. But I think more needs to pass before anyone of us is ready for that to happen.

 

To the OP: This thread confused me a bit! Why would he ask you to get back together if you were to one to break up with him? The person who should ask that question is you!

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I didn't understand why that was relevant since on contrary to the OP I was the dumpee and not the dumper.

 

But to answer your question, I would accept her back if she is sure of herself and what she wants and passes the questions I have for her :) So yes I would break NC. But I think more needs to pass before anyone of us is ready for that to happen.

 

To the OP: This thread confused me a bit! Why would he ask you to get back together if you were to one to break up with him? The person who should ask that question is you!

Because I NOW feel like the dumpee. Things change and I dont know when but I know he is not that into me (exept for the last meeting when he did some /strange/ things that didnt fit in as "not interested in me". So why should I ask him that. I was hoping NC for a While would make things clearer. And The person in the thread (im on my cell and have trouble handling that teknic) who said NC is for your self I say that not the is sure only. Its to make People MISS YOU. Promise.

Edited by lost55
wrong spelling!! Do a new one
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Mrlovahlovah

i'm sorry, it doesn't matter that you feel like you're the "dumpee". you dropped the guy, then, knowing he was still into you continued to have some sort of really close friendship. yeah, he's a grown up man responsible for his own actions and choices but don't pretend like you were not aware of the unfairness of the situation.

 

the guy kept on going, probably hoping he might change your mind, but you never let him really feel or know you might be interested in going back together.finally, the poor thing probably gave up, understanding he's better off pursuing other women and slowly cut contact with you.

 

so now, you're telling me he should be the one contacting you asking to get back together? i'm sorry for the bluntness: but are you OUT of your mind? if you actually care and have a rekindled love for this guy, which at this point im a bit skeptical about, LET HIM KNOW! this should be obvious to you. and if it isn't you should really ask yourself if you are not just missing him caring about you or feeling lonely. all of which are not good enough reasons to string this guy along. AGAIN.

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i'm sorry, it doesn't matter that you feel like you're the "dumpee". you dropped the guy, then, knowing he was still into you continued to have some sort of really close friendship. yeah, he's a grown up man responsible for his own actions and choices but don't pretend like you were not aware of the unfairness of the situation.

 

the guy kept on going, probably hoping he might change your mind, but you never let him really feel or know you might be interested in going back together.finally, the poor thing probably gave up, understanding he's better off pursuing other women and slowly cut contact with you.

 

so now, you're telling me he should be the one contacting you asking to get back together? i'm sorry for the bluntness: but are you OUT of your mind? if you actually care and have a rekindled love for this guy, which at this point im a bit skeptical about, LET HIM KNOW! this should be obvious to you. and if it isn't you should really ask yourself if you are not just missing him caring about you or feeling lonely. all of which are not good enough reasons to string this guy along. AGAIN.

 

 

Hm...Do I hear som bitterness here? WE continued are relationship AS IT WAS when we livied together. I admit YES I lost some feelings but we were two to tango right? I did not have a chanse to feel whatever feelings I was suppose to, as one after Another accidents happend... And YES I put myself out there ffor him, in a text saying that Ive changed, I missed him, and explained why. I DID say that in the phonecall. I also Went for therapy this whole year if I should excuase my "behavior". I do Think you are far away from what i wrote, read what you. What would you want me to do? Go down on my knees?? Please read correct befor jugeing! Thank you

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Hm...Do I hear som bitterness here? WE continued are relationship AS IT WAS when we livied together. I admit YES I lost some feelings but we were two to tango right? I did not have a chanse to feel whatever feelings I was suppose to, as one after Another accidents happend... And YES I put myself out there ffor him, in a text saying that Ive changed, I missed him, and explained why. I DID say that in the phonecall. I also Went for therapy this whole year if I should excuase my "behavior". I do Think you are far away from what i wrote, read what you. What would you want me to do? Go down on my knees?? Please read correct befor jugeing! Thank you

 

 

"as it was the last six month Before I moved out that is"

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So here's what happened. You broke up with him more than a year ago. He didn't want it, which almost certainly led him to suggest friendship; he really wanted the relationship and hoped that by remaining "friends," you'd eventually come around. Well, you did, but it was nearly a YEAR later. Sorry, but people cannot be expected to pause their lives indefinitely while they wait for an ex to possibly come back.

 

You make it sound like you didn't treat him very well or respect him much near the end of the relationship. Then you broke up with him. It sounds like he was very much waiting for MONTHS for you to come around and realize you wanted him back. It sounds like maybe he just got tired of putting his life on hold for something that was maybe never going to happen.

 

I'm sorry, but once you end a relationship, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences that may come from it. This includes that person no longer being available if you suddenly decide you want them back.

 

I ended a relationship earlier this year because I felt like it had to be done. I regretted it when she moved on to a new relationship not long after. That was the risk I took by letting her go. I was hurt, but this was brought on by my own decision. And while I think I was right to feel hurt, I was not right to want her new relationship to fail or to expect her to return to me when I suddenly felt like I wanted her back. Those feelings were selfish and didn't take into consideration what she wanted or what would make her happy.

 

It's taken a while, but I've accepted that she's moved on and that we will not reunite. I think you need to work toward the same acceptance.

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Mrlovahlovah
Hm...Do I hear som bitterness here? WE continued are relationship AS IT WAS when we livied together. I admit YES I lost some feelings but we were two to tango right? I did not have a chanse to feel whatever feelings I was suppose to, as one after Another accidents happend... And YES I put myself out there ffor him, in a text saying that Ive changed, I missed him, and explained why. I DID say that in the phonecall. I also Went for therapy this whole year if I should excuase my "behavior". I do Think you are far away from what i wrote, read what you. What would you want me to do? Go down on my knees?? Please read correct befor jugeing! Thank you

 

i'm not bitter nor is this in any way similar to anything i went through in life.

listen, i've read the whole thing. maybe it's the language barrier or you just failed to elaborate properly the how's and when's.

i was talking about the time he was caring for you and helping you while you explicitly said you viewed him as a friend and you were broken up.i understand you were going through a rough patch in life and in no way am I saying you should feel guilty for anything.

 

nevertheless, the timeline is as follows:

 

you lost feelings and broke up with him -> you guys kept a friendship (while he obviously wanted more) -> you started warming up to him again but he was already halfway through giving up and detaching.

 

i know it might sound like you've put yourself out there, but if there is one thing that anyone who ever got dumped knows is - you don't go back to an ex unless the other side genuinely expresses their desire to go back together and work things out properly. so yeah what im saying here is if you indeed feel this guy might be the one for you write him a letter or give him a call and explain why you feel like you've changed and that you would really love to have a fresh start with him.say the words. say you wanna get back together.that's how the balance works i'm afraid. hiss ego has taken a blow when you broke up with him and now it's your turn to let go of yours. simple.

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I under stand Biano. We have had contact all The time either he call and vice wersa . So my hope that we stayed put of contact or i write att letter explain all. Then leave him ti think about it. Im sure it Will working. He know that he must more tuff and i understand my part as i was in therapy...

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