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I can't quit being a doormat to my ex-girlfriend..


thatdudeoverthere222

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thatdudeoverthere222

I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

 

My ex and I were together for over 4 years and lived together. I have a lot of deep-seated issues from my past that have made me not be able to commit. I wanted to ask her to marry me, and I know she would have been thrilled even 6 months ago. I got depressed and pushed her away even though at the time and leading up to our breakup she was a wonderful girlfriend. We've been broken up for 3 months and I moved out 2 months ago.

 

After the breakup, we hung out a lot. We'd flirt back and forth but any time I mentioned getting back together she doesn't want to. We said we'd try in 1 year after we both worked through our personal issues. This has been killing me as I want to get back together but I don't want to be hanging on for another 9 months. We even went out 3 weeks ago and it felt like old times, spent 14 hours together. We made out quite a few times at the bar, flirted, held each other. It was awesome. At the end of the night we started to get into a fight and I spilled my guts to her.. again. I talked to her a week after and she says she doesn't even remember us kissing..? I told her I need space, then 5 days later when I was feeling better I let her know I'm cool with being friends for now. This may have been a mistake because I should have been absolutely sure, and I know there are still some feelings left over. We hung out that night and she was being distant.

 

She has a son that's 9 years old who I love to death and he loves me too. My therapist mentioned that it's not healthy at all to walk out on a kid and that I should still spend time with him if possible. This is the 3rd time I've gotten to take him out. We always have a blast, I love him as my own. She decided to go out when we were leaving. About 45 minutes before we're supposed to be back she asked me what our ETA is that she has to run an errand. She texts me a few minutes later saying that she's trying to get back in time but if not just put him to bed (her roommate was home so he wasn't home alone.) I put him to sleep, text her thanks for letting me take him out. Have a good night. She doesn't read my text for 30 minutes, then says we'll hang out next time afterwards, didn't mean to be so late. I haven't responded and don't intend to.

 

I know I have no idea of knowing.. But it seems like I was watching the kid so she could go have sex with someone. That's just the feeling I have in my gut. And to be honest, she has every right to do what she wants. I have no say so in this. I just feel like a huge door-mat. I don't intend to contact her unless she contacts me. I've tried to go NC and after about a week or less she'll text me every time and we'll hang out. This has gone on long enough and is not healthy for me at all. Please tell me to man the **** up and move on with my life. I just need to hear it from someone else. Thank you.

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I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

 

My ex and I were together for over 4 years and lived together. I have a lot of deep-seated issues from my past that have made me not be able to commit. I wanted to ask her to marry me, and I know she would have been thrilled even 6 months ago. I got depressed and pushed her away even though at the time and leading up to our breakup she was a wonderful girlfriend. We've been broken up for 3 months and I moved out 2 months ago.

 

After the breakup, we hung out a lot. We'd flirt back and forth but any time I mentioned getting back together she doesn't want to. We said we'd try in 1 year after we both worked through our personal issues. This has been killing me as I want to get back together but I don't want to be hanging on for another 9 months. We even went out 3 weeks ago and it felt like old times, spent 14 hours together. We made out quite a few times at the bar, flirted, held each other. It was awesome. At the end of the night we started to get into a fight and I spilled my guts to her.. again. I talked to her a week after and she says she doesn't even remember us kissing..? I told her I need space, then 5 days later when I was feeling better I let her know I'm cool with being friends for now. This may have been a mistake because I should have been absolutely sure, and I know there are still some feelings left over. We hung out that night and she was being distant.

 

She has a son that's 9 years old who I love to death and he loves me too. My therapist mentioned that it's not healthy at all to walk out on a kid and that I should still spend time with him if possible. This is the 3rd time I've gotten to take him out. We always have a blast, I love him as my own. She decided to go out when we were leaving. About 45 minutes before we're supposed to be back she asked me what our ETA is that she has to run an errand. She texts me a few minutes later saying that she's trying to get back in time but if not just put him to bed (her roommate was home so he wasn't home alone.) I put him to sleep, text her thanks for letting me take him out. Have a good night. She doesn't read my text for 30 minutes, then says we'll hang out next time afterwards, didn't mean to be so late. I haven't responded and don't intend to.

 

I know I have no idea of knowing.. But it seems like I was watching the kid so she could go have sex with someone. That's just the feeling I have in my gut. And to be honest, she has every right to do what she wants. I have no say so in this. I just feel like a huge door-mat. I don't intend to contact her unless she contacts me. I've tried to go NC and after about a week or less she'll text me every time and we'll hang out. This has gone on long enough and is not healthy for me at all. Please tell me to man the **** up and move on with my life. I just need to hear it from someone else. Thank you.

 

Best way to forget the last one is to find the next one.....FTBitch

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Best way to forget the last one is to find the next one.....FTBitch

 

Yeah, definitely do this. That way, you can suppress your pain and then a few months into your rebound relationship, you can realize you still aren't really healed nor are you really over the ex. Then you can dump your rebound, and then she can create a LoveShack account and create a thread about how she was with this guy for a couple months, things were great, but then all of a sudden he dumped her because he wasn't over his ex.

 

The LoveShack Circle of Life.

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thatdudeoverthere222
Yeah, definitely do this. That way, you can suppress your pain and then a few months into your rebound relationship, you can realize you still aren't really healed nor are you really over the ex. Then you can dump your rebound, and then she can create a LoveShack account and create a thread about how she was with this guy for a couple months, things were great, but then all of a sudden he dumped her because he wasn't over his ex.

 

The LoveShack Circle of Life.

 

I really want to heal from this and be a better person. I've been hanging on to the hope of getting back together and that's screwed me up. I'm not trying to jump into a relationship right now even though I think it would make me feel a hell of a lot better. I'm really trying to work on myself so I can be a great boyfriend later on.

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You're doing it right. It's the more difficult path, but one that's going to eventually clear the way to have healthier relationships, both with yourself and with others.

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You do know the only real way to get the ex back, if there's any real feelings left is to stop talking to them 100%, tell them you don't want to talk to them, move on and start dating other people?

 

 

Both women and men want what they can't have, if you have any chance of getting her back this is the way to do it... The major risk here that will stop you getting back together is you actually might meet someone better!

 

 

Dude, you're responsible for your own happiness, not your family, your lover or anyone else for that matter. Get your thoughts together, work on you and never expect anyone else to make you a better person, nobody completes you, you do this yourself and the right person adds to your completeness.

 

 

If you really want to heal from this, heed my words and start loving yourself. In reality, there's nothing to heal, because she isn't causing you pain... YOU ARE!!!

 

 

Good Luck :)

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thatdudeoverthere222

Do you think this could still work to get her back even if she's with someone else? I have a feeling it's with her friend of a couple of years and they're really close. I need to cut contact for myself but it would definitely be a bonus if she came back. Right now at least. You're right, later on I may not even care if she comes back.

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She's not coming back anytime soon and here is why.

 

If you yourself believe you are behaving like a doormat towards her, take this perception and magnify it x100 and you have how your ex perceives you. Your behavior is repulsive towards her. Watching her son, spending platonic time with her, asking for her back, breaking down to her. It's repulsive. She can confidently go out and meet with other, hotter guys because she has the emotional validation and crutch in the form of YOU. She just feels sorry for you and is lapping up the attention.

 

Both of my most recent exes have come back to me. The first came back after 3 ****ing years. The first, i believed was the "one". She sent me a letter early this year i would've literally killed someone for 3 months after she dumped me. I ignored it because i don't care about her anymore.

 

My most recent contacted me after 6 months and we are essentially back together. My definition of "back together" means i am having sex with her regularly and she is emotionally invested in me again. This was ONLY able to happen because I left her alone instantly, exited her life and treated her as if she had died. This allowed the attraction to increase, she was able to miss me and our relationship, I did nothing to lower my worth in her eyes - only increase it. She remained attracted to me seeing that I was not falling apart without her or even hanging on to anything with her.

 

What your behavior is doing is essentially ensuring your ex will never feel this way towards you or your relationship again. You are a weak man in her eyes, she is biologically wired to feel this way towards you in light of your actions here. It sounds ridiculous and counter intuitive but the only way you will hear from her is to literally vanish and rely on her knowing you are having sex with other women and you couldn't care less about her or her son. Her son is not your responsibility whatsoever, your therapist is a complete idiot - don't listen to him/her. Please. Stay away from both of them, vanish from their lives. When you do this, in time, you will most likely realize you couldn't take her back even if she did come back and that you won't want to.

 

Good luck

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thatdudeoverthere222

Well ****. I feel like I would have done better without the therapists advice. She kept telling me there was hope and to keep in contact. She said it sounded like she wants to get back together through her mixed signals. Thanks for the good advice. It hurts so bad that I have potentially screwed this up forever when I thought I was doing it right. I'll just leave her alone. I know I'll get better but after 4 years it's going to take a lot of time for me to heal up and forget her.

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Do not ever take relationship advice from a woman. Ever. This is one of the most important things you will ever learn. Your therapist is actually giving you the worst advice you could ever receive and has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. I bet she's saying things like "you just need to be there for her and her son, she just needs time, she'll see that you're a good guy and want you back! just be patient!" Don't go back to this idiot and don't pay her another cent of your hard earned money.

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thatdudeoverthere222

Here's to hoping I can dig my way out of this, with or without her. I can't believe I've been paying this person an insane amount of money to help me sabotage myself. We do have a long history and were mostly happy together. I'll get my **** together, not talk to her, go on dates and wait it out.

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Do you think this could still work to get her back even if she's with someone else? I have a feeling it's with her friend of a couple of years and they're really close. I need to cut contact for myself but it would definitely be a bonus if she came back. Right now at least. You're right, later on I may not even care if she comes back.

 

 

Absolutely, but here you're still focussing on what was, rather than what could be. My previous ex got within someone new really quickly, she just couldn't handle being alone. I started dating within about 5 weeks or so, met a handful of great women over a period of a month or so if I remember correctly and then came along one I didn't really care for that much from her profile, had a free night, so what the hell... in real life she blew me away and we both lit each other up totally. Even a couple of young lesbian girls who were sat opposite in the place we met came over to us, when the other went the rest room to ask whether we were on a date, because it sounded like we were having so much fun.

 

 

Fast forward a couple of months, the then ex had a major meltdown on what a huge mistake she'd made (cue arrested development head hanging moment) realised she still loved me and wanted to make it work, my response via her best mates boyfriend was, well, tough.... made ya bed, lie in it.

 

 

Ironically, we live pretty close now and I see her now and then, know what I feel when I see her nowadays?

 

 

Absolutely nothing but pity and compassion for her loss and she knows it.

 

 

You seem pretty well balanced, please start dating as soon as you can, as hard as it seems right now, I'm rooting for ya!! :)

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Simon Phoenix

Your therapist should be concentrating on helping you heal, not giving you relationship advice. Her current advice is abysmally bad, and her telling you to stay in contact with your ex isn't the worst part -- though that's really bad by itself. But her encouraging you to stay in your ex's son's life is so awful on multiple levels. Not only does it keep you from healing, but it confuses the hell out of the kid. You're going to do more damage to that kid by staying in his life than you are if you disappeared. You aren't his biological father, his current stepfather, or the guy your mother is dating. You are the guy that is hanging around him to try to get his mom to date him. And once he realizes that, he's going to resent you like a motherf--ker.

 

But yeah, I agree with hulk that what you are doing is completely counterproductive. You are making yourself out to be a person of low value in her eyes, and that's not attractive. Nothing you are doing is remotely attractive. You are the orbiting friendzone goof. That guy never gets the girl except in movies.

 

And I agree with hulk in the fact that most women give horrible advice to men about women. They don't do it on purpose, but women want to try to be "nice" and "positive" instead of telling men what is actually going on. They don't want to hurt their feelings, so they unwittingly give them bad advice which backfires. Another thing many women tend to do is take the perspective of what they would think if a guy that really liked/loved was pursuing them. That advice is irrelevant in a breakup situation.

 

Now if you can find a woman that will be honest and to the point, not sugarcoat and be able to see things from the proper perspective, they can be an invaluable resource. Luckily my sister is one of these -- during the breakup that brought me here way back in the day, she wouldn't be afraid to tell me to get my head out of my ass and tell me when the thoughts I shared were counterproductive and unattractive. That helped me way more than some girl who just thinks that being "nice" is the way to go.

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thatdudeoverthere222

Now I just feel even more awful about the situation. I was really trying to do right by him but me hanging around in his life has screwed things up even worse. I'm not even sure where to go from here. She and I have been very distant the past couple of weeks.. Not like before where it even seemed like we had a friendship. Should I try to talk to him and let him know that I love him but I won't be coming back around? I can't believe I've ****ed this all up so bad. Sometimes the best intentions are actually the worst things to do.

 

I'm so tired of feeling like less of a man. At this point I'm ready to just say **** it and move on, no matter how hard that will be.

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You're making the classic mistake here of linking your relationship with her, to your relationship with her son.

 

I'm not suggesting for one moment this will be easy, in fact, I understand how hard this will be, but:

 

Keep in touch with him.

Be interested in him.

Be there for him.

Be HIS friend.

Be HIS role-model.

I don't know if he has his own phone (it's not a dumb question, plenty of young kids have a mobile phone, especially if they're form single-parent families - they need to keep in touch....) but if he has, communicate with him, and him only, for discussions with him, about him.

 

As for her, keep contact to a bare minimum and only talk to her about her son, arrangements with him, or anything specifically concerning him.

 

Don't yearn for her, seek to woo her, think about getting back with her or secretly do this in order to get close to her.

 

maybe this 'friendship' with her son will blossom, and the connection will remain.

Maybe it will fizzle out.

He will drive this, at one point.

If it gets to his teenage years, you will have done well....

 

But your focus should be on him, not her.

 

And the others are right.

Therapy is for you.

Your therapist is not a relationships expert.

 

to be honest, nobody here is, either.

But the crucial fact is, we've been around break-ups a lot more than she has....

 

When it comes to your well-being and state of mind, that's what she should be guiding you with.

Not your break-up or liaison with your ex's son.....

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thatdudeoverthere222

Thank you for your advice but this also goes against from what others are saying. He doesn't have a phone and the only way I can get in contact with him is through his mother. I asked her Wednesday if I could take him out yesterday and she seemed totally fine with it. My question is, when she starts dating again, how is it fair to the new boyfriend and to him if I'm still in his life? I feel I have to accept that I'll be replaced. It's tough because I've helped raise him for over half of his life. He truly is a son to me. I've never been in a situation where I dated a woman with kids, especially for this long.

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Thank you for your advice but this also goes against from what others are saying. He doesn't have a phone and the only way I can get in contact with him is through his mother. I asked her Wednesday if I could take him out yesterday and she seemed totally fine with it. My question is, when she starts dating again, how is it fair to the new boyfriend and to him if I'm still in his life? I feel I have to accept that I'll be replaced. It's tough because I've helped raise him for over half of his life. He truly is a son to me. I've never been in a situation where I dated a woman with kids, especially for this long.

 

But he is not your son and will never be because you and your ex right now have no future. You have to come to realize this and you need to do it right now. You will be replaced soon enough and all contact with the kid will be instantly cut off. You need to show him what it is to be a man and make tough choices in life.You need to take control right now and see the kid one more time and explain to him that you and his mother are not going to be seeing each other any more and that you will not be coming around any more. Sugar coat and don't get into to details, but let him know how you feel about him and leave it at that. He'll hurt and you'll hurt, but it's better than him wondering what happened to you when she suddenly cuts you out and then she can tell the kid what she wants about what happened to you. Let him hear it from you. Best you do it now then have her one day out of the blue say that you can't see him any more and you don't get a chance to tell him goodbye. It will happen. Don't wait for it. Tell her you are doing this because it is best that you two don't communicate or see each other at all any more. She made her choice.

 

Please don't become the babysitter for her while she is able to go out on dates.

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But he is not your son and will never be because you and your ex right now have no future. You have to come to realize this and you need to do it right now. You will be replaced soon enough and all contact with the kid will be instantly cut off. You need to show him what it is to be a man and make tough choices in life.You need to take control right now and see the kid one more time and explain to him that you and his mother are not going to be seeing each other any more and that you will not be coming around any more. Sugar coat and don't get into to details, but let him know how you feel about him and leave it at that. He'll hurt and you'll hurt, but it's better than him wondering what happened to you when she suddenly cuts you out and then she can tell the kid what she wants about what happened to you. Let him hear it from you. Best you do it now then have her one day out of the blue say that you can't see him any more and you don't get a chance to tell him goodbye. It will happen. Don't wait for it. Tell her you are doing this because it is best that you two don't communicate or see each other at all any more. She made her choice.

 

Please don't become the babysitter for her while she is able to go out on dates.

 

This was the hardest part of my last breakup. Once she started seeing someone else, I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep seeing the kids. It did me no good and I thought ahead about how confusing it would be for young children to go from living with mom and dad to living with mom and mom's boyfriend to living with mom and see mom's new boyfriend, but still see mom's ex boyfriend.

 

They considered me part of the family (and the youngest actually thought I was one of his dads, since he's too young to really grasp how that all works) even after I left and this new guy came around. I never did the whole overt "goodbye" thing with them, because I think they're both too young to really get it. But I did say goodbye in a subtle way, telling them that we'll always be buds, even if we don't see each other.

 

That was four months ago, and honestly, it's still something that gets me choked up if I think about it for too long. It's unfortunate that ending a relationship with a mom or dad also usually means ending a relationship with their children. Those can be the toughest bonds to sever.

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In my personal opinion it's best not to say anything, the children know you love them - actions really do speak louder than words. I lost a lovely friendship with my ex's young lad, he was only 8 and a great kid, his mum never expected us to even build the relationship we had together. On the last day of this particular relationship, first thing he did when he saw me was jump on the sofa, sat next to me for a chat and we planned how to tickle his mum at the weekend with his special subtle signals to attack (in fairness about a subtle as a barn, but hey it was fun) he went to bed, less than an hour later I'd taken all my gear and it was over.

 

 

Did I want to say my goodbyes, yes of course I did and what it'd result in is him in tears and probably me... he didn't do a thing wrong, he even said he'd missed me numerous times as my workload took over the relationship which lead to the end and the last thing I'd want in a conversation would be to see him upset. Speaking with his mum of course my heart would transmute into a swinging brick, she got the talk.

 

 

Looking back further to my previous relationship, I'd got really close to both of her kids, girl aged 13 (mind of a 40 year old) she was feckin awesome and a young lad of 3 who was calling my name for weeks after I left, my mate was the boyfriend of the ex's best mate and he told me what was going on, heart breaking it was dude and that's why saying your goodbyes (in my personal opinion) are best avoided, they don't understand nor should they be put on the spot. Her lil un wouldn't know anything being 3 but speaking to her eldest, looking her in the eyes saying... listen you know I love you to bits but me an your mam aren't working so for the best we're going to call it a day, watching her tear up and run upstairs to her room was really, really, tough and hearing she missed me months later hit hard, don't be that guy or at least don't say it to their face, maybe a letter you send through the post. Speak to their mum first, make sure she's happy with it.

 

 

I'd wait for others to comment, don't take my word as gospel just my experience, know how much it hurts and it's not fair man... on them or us. If you date, there's the chance you might hurt, the kids just makes it worse.

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thatdudeoverthere222

Thank you all for all of the great advice. I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this thread but I have an update.

 

I went to the bar with my friends last night and saw her there. Instantly we gravitated towards each other. We were joking and being very flirty. At one point she came and sat in my lap and cuddled with me. She asked me for a ride and I didn't mind giving her one. After a while, she ends up talking to this other dude and leaving with him without saying a word. I'm just re-iterating the fact that I should be totally done with this. I love her and miss her so much but her acting like this is actually making my attraction for her go way down.

 

My question is. If she doesn't want to get back together, what the hell is making her act like this? Is she just seeing if I'm still on the hook? This has been some of the most stressful 3 months of my life. I'm totally done with this **** and just wish I could never see her again.

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Thank you all for all of the great advice. I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this thread but I have an update.

 

I went to the bar with my friends last night and saw her there. Instantly we gravitated towards each other. We were joking and being very flirty. At one point she came and sat in my lap and cuddled with me. She asked me for a ride and I didn't mind giving her one. After a while, she ends up talking to this other dude and leaving with him without saying a word. I'm just re-iterating the fact that I should be totally done with this. I love her and miss her so much but her acting like this is actually making my attraction for her go way down.

 

My question is. If she doesn't want to get back together, what the hell is making her act like this? Is she just seeing if I'm still on the hook? This has been some of the most stressful 3 months of my life. I'm totally done with this **** and just wish I could never see her again.

 

After what just happened, I change my mind on what I said about seeing the kid again. You have to just stop. She is degrading and disrespecting you and you are allowing it. You are her toy she knows she can play with anytime. Don't see the kid again and tell her your done. Look at how she is acting? Do you really not see it yet? Get away from this crap. I know it's hard, but just look at what's going on. There's no hope here. Have some self-respect now and walk, no run away.

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I went to the bar with my friends last night and saw her there. Instantly we gravitated towards each other. We were joking and being very flirty. At one point she came and sat in my lap and cuddled with me. She asked me for a ride and I didn't mind giving her one. After a while, she ends up talking to this other dude and leaving with him without saying a word. I'm just re-iterating the fact that I should be totally done with this. I love her and miss her so much but her acting like this is actually making my attraction for her go way down.

Dude, after what you just went through, that last line should read:

 

..."but her acting like this has completely slammed the lid down on any feelings I could possibly have had for her. She behaved like a cheap dirtbag and that just totally and irreversibly killed it all for me!"

 

is what it SHOULD read!

 

My question is. If she doesn't want to get back together, what the hell is making her act like this? Is she just seeing if I'm still on the hook?

Of course! And she can see you are! You're like silly putty in her hands... she can play with you, toy with you, stretch you, string you and bounce you off the walls to her heart's content, and she knows she can do it again, and again, and again...

As you've just proved.

 

You know your thread title?

You know the 'doormat' word?

Change it.

Try 'toilet paper'....

 

This has been some of the most stressful 3 months of my life. I'm totally done with this **** and just wish I could never see her again.

Your wish is YOUR command.

Just do it.

And be done with it.

NC Guide for reference. Follow it to the last full stop/period.

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thatdudeoverthere222

Thank you. I haven't had any contact with her since that night. It's really tough but I have to stand up for myself and quit getting hurt. Love or lack thereof is really awful sometimes. She seems to be happier than ever without me.

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