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Didn't go NC but feeling a lot better


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Long story short..

He was abusive and I cheated. I begged him to come back then regretted it. Then he begged me to come back. I couldn't do it cos I felt like nothing about our relationship has changed in the past 6 months. He thinks he is committed to change but I don't think he has done anything different. I was trying very hard but couldn't accomplish anything without his input. And I constantly feel like a horrible cheater. He told everyone I cheated but I kept his abusive behaviour almost like a secret. Hence going back to his life is almost impossible because of pressure from his side.

 

I experienced so many breakups before so i kind of know what to expect this time. I cry whenever I want. Tried to analyse what will happen if we are together again. also acknowledged that it will possibly take me a long time to find someone again but i won't give up.

 

I still see him and talk to him. It's sad a lot of times and we fight a lot. But i just don't have the courage to break it off right now. I know it will end eventually so I am just taking one step at a time. I don't feel in love like I used to anymore. But I do still feel incredibly sad when I realise all my hopes and dreams about this relationship are gone. I know i will be happy again eventually but I just have to wait.

 

I know not going NC will probably prevent me from meeting someone else. But I kind of don't believe in NC. You only heal completely when you are just not interested in contacting the person again.

 

Just ranting a bit..

Edited by samantha303
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Long story short..

He was abusive and I cheated. I begged him to come back then regretted it. Then he begged me to come back. I couldn't do it cos I felt like nothing about our relationship has changed in the past 6 months. He thinks he is committed to change but I don't think he has done anything different. I was trying very hard but couldn't accomplish anything without his input. And I constantly feel like a horrible cheater. He told everyone I cheated but I kept his abusive behaviour almost like a secret. Hence going back to his life is almost impossible because of pressure from his side.

 

I experienced so many breakups before so i kind of know what to expect this time. I cry whenever I want. Tried to analyse what will happen if we are together again. also acknowledged that it will possibly take me a long time to find someone again but i won't give up.

 

I still see him and talk to him. It's sad a lot of times and we fight a lot. But i just don't have the courage to break it off right now. I know it will end eventually so I am just taking one step at a time. I don't feel in love like I used to anymore. But I do still feel incredibly sad when I realise all my hopes and dreams about this relationship are gone. I know i will be happy again eventually but I just have to wait.

 

I know not going NC will probably prevent me from meeting someone else. But I kind of don't believe in NC. You only heal completely when you are just not interested in contacting the person again.

 

Well NC is not for everyone. If you feel like this approach is helping you out then go for it. If you fight every time you talk to him then why would you want to put yourself through that? It is emotionally draining and just a waste of time and energy. However, if you feel it helps you then go for it.

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Well NC is not for everyone. If you feel like this approach is helping you out then go for it. If you fight every time you talk to him then why would you want to put yourself through that? It is emotionally draining and just a waste of time and energy. However, if you feel it helps you then go for it.

 

 

Because when you miss someone and want to see him/her, you think of the good memories? NC never worked for me :(NC itself is so difficult for me so not sure how it can make things better

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Because when you miss someone and want to see him/her, you think of the good memories? NC never worked for me :(NC itself is so difficult for me so not sure how it can make things better

Yeah re-read your sentence that you wrote. You think of good memories yet most if not all of the time you talk to this person it is an argument. Do yourself a favor, NC will really help you move on. You need to be mentally strong enough to do it which from your posts you are not. However, that is why this site is here. When you feel weak and want to send your ex a message, post it here and we will tell you exactly why you should not. I really would suggest NC this guy and move on with your life. If not, you will be in a constant cycle of what you are doing now and it will take you forever to get over him.

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Yeah re-read your sentence that you wrote. You think of good memories yet most if not all of the time you talk to this person it is an argument. Do yourself a favor, NC will really help you move on. You need to be mentally strong enough to do it which from your posts you are not. However, that is why this site is here. When you feel weak and want to send your ex a message, post it here and we will tell you exactly why you should not. I really would suggest NC this guy and move on with your life. If not, you will be in a constant cycle of what you are doing now and it will take you forever to get over him.

 

 

Keep blocking and unblocking him makes me feel like a psycho. :( I do feel kind of sad now it looks like he's moving on with his life pretty well. He keeps telling me how much he loves me but I haven't been able to feel the love for a long time. I am trying to limit our communication now instead of a full blown NC and see what happens :/

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Keep blocking and unblocking him makes me feel like a psycho. :( I do feel kind of sad now it looks like he's moving on with his life pretty well. He keeps telling me how much he loves me but I haven't been able to feel the love for a long time. I am trying to limit our communication now instead of a full blown NC and see what happens :/

Ok so just do that. Limit it to once a week, then once every 2 week, and so on so forth. You do not feel the love so I guess you just want to check up on him? Ok then go ahead.

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Long story short..

He was abusive and I cheated. I begged him to come back then regretted it. Then he begged me to come back. I couldn't do it cos I felt like nothing about our relationship has changed in the past 6 months. He thinks he is committed to change but I don't think he has done anything different. I was trying very hard but couldn't accomplish anything without his input. And I constantly feel like a horrible cheater. He told everyone I cheated but I kept his abusive behaviour almost like a secret. Hence going back to his life is almost impossible because of pressure from his side.

 

I experienced so many breakups before so i kind of know what to expect this time. I cry whenever I want. Tried to analyse what will happen if we are together again. also acknowledged that it will possibly take me a long time to find someone again but i won't give up.

 

I still see him and talk to him. It's sad a lot of times and we fight a lot. But i just don't have the courage to break it off right now. I know it will end eventually so I am just taking one step at a time. I don't feel in love like I used to anymore. But I do still feel incredibly sad when I realise all my hopes and dreams about this relationship are gone. I know i will be happy again eventually but I just have to wait.

 

I know not going NC will probably prevent me from meeting someone else. But I kind of don't believe in NC. You only heal completely when you are just not interested in contacting the person again.

 

Just ranting a bit..

So he is abusive, and you cheat on him, sorry there is no correlation between these two! It is like saying, my class mate is a thief, so I decided to become a murderer! no offense, but your analogy has no weight.... so the decision is to stay with this person until you find someone better? does he know that he has to find someone better too? if he does, well fair enough, if he does not tell him now. Playing people is never a good idea. Would you accept this, if this was his mindset? Do you want anyone to play the same game on you? or if you do it, it is fair and if he does it, it is cruel?

Sorry but I feel something is seriously wrong here, if you really don't want him, plug it out now, do yourself and him a favor, don't be an emotionally attached person, your attitude is not mature, all you are doing is really selfish, you don't want to grieve, so you find someone else, and you leave him with that....Nah I will never do this to my arch enemy, let alone someone I shared my life with

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So he is abusive, and you cheat on him, sorry there is no correlation between these two! It is like saying, my class mate is a thief, so I decided to become a murderer! no offense, but your analogy has no weight.... so the decision is to stay with this person until you find someone better? does he know that he has to find someone better too? if he does, well fair enough, if he does not tell him now. Playing people is never a good idea. Would you accept this, if this was his mindset? Do you want anyone to play the same game on you? or if you do it, it is fair and if he does it, it is cruel?

Sorry but I feel something is seriously wrong here, if you really don't want him, plug it out now, do yourself and him a favor, don't be an emotionally attached person, your attitude is not mature, all you are doing is really selfish, you don't want to grieve, so you find someone else, and you leave him with that....Nah I will never do this to my arch enemy, let alone someone I shared my life with

 

 

Umm did i mention there is correlation between cheating and abusive behaviour? I simply gave a brief outline of how bad the situation is.

I don't understand why you are overreacting and I dont think you understand sometimes it's extremely difficult to move on even though we sincerely want to. Nothing to do with stringing anybody along

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Ok so just do that. Limit it to once a week, then once every 2 week, and so on so forth. You do not feel the love so I guess you just want to check up on him? Ok then go ahead.

But I don't think that will work! break ups are like quitting smoking! I was a smoker and I know how it it is...You quit and you don't touch it again. If you go back and forth you will end up smoking as much as you used to smoke before planning something like this. What she is doing right now is halving the cigarettes, I have tried it dozens of times, and no it won't work... you are just deceiving yourself, it gives you the wrong sense of progress, but you are still so obsessed that can't think of quitting

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Umm did i mention there is correlation between cheating and abusive behaviour? I simply gave a brief outline of how bad the situation is.

I don't understand why you are overreacting and I dont think you understand sometimes it's extremely difficult to move on even though we sincerely want to. Nothing to do with stringing anybody along

I know how hard it is... believe me I do. But the more you stay there, the worse things become...You have to be strong enough to finish things up now, if you see no future with this guy, there is no point in seeing him anymore! unless you are afraid of being alone for some time...stop torturing yourself, and him...my 2 cents, this will make things harder not easier.

Good luck

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OP you're just afraid to do NC because you havent let go of him. Its funny how he tells you he loves you but you dont feel it. And you're sad and argue all the time when he's your life. Dont you get the message by now? You'll never be happy with him in your life. Cutting someone out of your life maybe be difficult but if you truly want happiness and stop feeling sad, you need to grow up and face reality that you and him are bad for each other.

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I agree it's like a habit which I need to get rid of. He was a big part of my life and we did a lot of things together. we talked about it today and agreed on cutting down on contact. He wasn't very helpful for improving our relationship i guess he should be helpful for ending it/. Up until Sunday i still saw him fairly regularly so now im just trying not to see him anymore and try not to text too.

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LoveIsMyReligion
Long story short..

He was abusive and I cheated.

 

It doesn't matter what he did or was, you are a cheater.

 

 

He could have been an alcoholic or even a serial killer, you don't cheat. You leave them.

Edited by LoveIsMyReligion
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It doesn't matter what he did or was, you are a cheater.

 

 

He could have been an alcoholic or even a serial killer, you don't cheat. You leave them.

 

I didn't cheat on him because he was abusive. I cheated on him because I wanted to feel loved again.

This is not a thread for justifying my cheating. It is about letting go something that is so messed up. And i don;t think your comment added any value to my thread.

Edited by samantha303
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But I don't think that will work! break ups are like quitting smoking! I was a smoker and I know how it it is...You quit and you don't touch it again. If you go back and forth you will end up smoking as much as you used to smoke before planning something like this. What she is doing right now is halving the cigarettes, I have tried it dozens of times, and no it won't work... you are just deceiving yourself, it gives you the wrong sense of progress, but you are still so obsessed that can't think of quitting

 

I was a smoker for 25 years. I quit by halving my cigarettes. It worked fine.

 

Have not touched one in 5 years.

 

Not every person reacts the same way no matter what the situation...

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ConfusedHumanBeing
I didn't cheat on him because he was abusive. I cheated on him because I wanted to feel loved again.

This is not a thread for justifying my cheating. It is about letting go something that is so messed up. And i don;t think your comment added any value to my thread.

 

Well,this is an advice and opinion board....

 

You tell us you want to be happy again and how you know it will happen.....well, it won't happen until you remove yourself. Its pretty simple. You can get to the end of the road through the highway or through every side street. Sure, you'll get there, but you could get there exponentially quicker. All you're doing is making it worse on yourself.

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Well,this is an advice and opinion board....

 

You tell us you want to be happy again and how you know it will happen.....well, it won't happen until you remove yourself. Its pretty simple. You can get to the end of the road through the highway or through every side street. Sure, you'll get there, but you could get there exponentially quicker. All you're doing is making it worse on yourself.

 

Agreed 100% You wanted advice and we are giving you the best advice possible because people here have gone through almost every kind of experience. You want to start the healing process faster? NC. If you feel this way is working for you then go for it, but why would you be posting here if it was working for you? Just to tell us it is? Im not sure. Anyways, do what you feel is best for you because not everyone is the same.

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I think I definitely feel a lot better than i did 6 months ago. I tried NC a few times but it didn't work. I always want to talk to him. Deep down i know he isn't making any effort anymore even though he says he loves me and misses me all the time. I'm keeping myself busy everyday but apparently not busy enough to not have mental break downs.

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Agreed 100% You wanted advice and we are giving you the best advice possible because people here have gone through almost every kind of experience. You want to start the healing process faster? NC. If you feel this way is working for you then go for it, but why would you be posting here if it was working for you? Just to tell us it is? Im not sure. Anyways, do what you feel is best for you because not everyone is the same.

 

I can't imagine what it will feel like when we don't speak to each other anymore. It was a lot easier when i was the dumpee. Sometimes i kind of wish he could leave me forever for another girl

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Well,this is an advice and opinion board....

 

You tell us you want to be happy again and how you know it will happen.....well, it won't happen until you remove yourself. Its pretty simple. You can get to the end of the road through the highway or through every side street. Sure, you'll get there, but you could get there exponentially quicker. All you're doing is making it worse on yourself.

 

No matter when I will get there, i can guarantee it will be crap for at least 2 years. Based on my own experience, it usually took a year or 2 for me to have another proper relationship :( I feel sick just thinking about it. I am a sucker for love :(

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i think you already know the answer to this and that NC is the only way to go, we are all programmed to avoid pain but the problem is by avoiding it you are just extending the pain at the end. I split with my ex 18 months ago and was the dumper only now am I feeling the effects because I haven't grieved the relationship I'm learning a lot at the moment about myself and the relationship as a whole and I know I need to go through this in order to move on and not make the same mistake in my next relationship. Do yourself and him a favour and cut the communication you will save yourself a lot of heartache and guilt down the line.

 

X

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i think you already know the answer to this and that NC is the only way to go, we are all programmed to avoid pain but the problem is by avoiding it you are just extending the pain at the end. I split with my ex 18 months ago and was the dumper only now am I feeling the effects because I haven't grieved the relationship I'm learning a lot at the moment about myself and the relationship as a whole and I know I need to go through this in order to move on and not make the same mistake in my next relationship. Do yourself and him a favour and cut the communication you will save yourself a lot of heartache and guilt down the line.

 

X

 

I think im quite happy with my decision of letting go as in my opnion he isn't willing to work on things. 99% of the time i was sad because i felt like i wasnt really loved as much as i expected to be. I really need to up my game and start NC :(

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I think im quite happy with my decision of letting go as in my opnion he isn't willing to work on things. 99% of the time i was sad because i felt like i wasnt really loved as much as i expected to be. I really need to up my game and start NC :(

Yes that is what I am talking about! You made the right choice girl! and this is both beneficial for you and your ex... sorry it is hard but just do it! Grieve, heal and then move on with someone that genuinely makes you happy... with clear conscience. Breaking up with him and jumping into someone else's arm right away, is morally wrong, immature and will have negative implications... I credit your decision, I am happy you made your mind

Good Luck

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I didn't cheat on him because he was abusive. I cheated on him because I wanted to feel loved again.

This is not a thread for justifying my cheating. It is about letting go something that is so messed up. And i don;t think your comment added any value to my thread.

 

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

So, if the other man "loved you", why you aren't together by now? HMMMM???

 

Female cheaters are all the same...

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

So, if the other man "loved you", why you aren't together by now? HMMMM???

 

Female cheaters are all the same...

Yes there is no doubt she has made a mistake...But the good thing is that she is learning from her mistakes, I hope she does not do the same thing anymore. Through my whole life I have practiced monogamy, I have never cheated on anyone and I can't tolerate cheating at all. I don't think she is proud of that either, because she has clearly mentioned how bad she feels about cheating him, and I hope it is true...

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