Depressed boyfriend ended our relationship... (Updated)

[singme2sleep]

As I type this I can't even believe it's true, but my boyfriend of 5 months ended our relationship yesterday.

 

In the beginning things were great, he was romantic and he swept me off my feet. No guy has ever been sweeter or made me feel so loved in my entire life. I fell hard for him and I knew he felt the same. We became that cutesy couple who makes everyone else want to vomit because we were crazy about each other. For my birthday he even wrote me an old fashioned love letter telling me I was the love of his life.

 

Then over the course of the last month, things started to change. He slowly stopped sending me lovey texts like he used to every day. He became overly stressed at work (he has 2 jobs) plus he's also a volunteer firefighter. He made comments sometimes about not liking his body and the last 2 times we had sex he even kept his shirt on. Despite me telling him how attracted I was to him and how lucky I felt to have him. I knew something was wrong because he was also fighting a lot with his dad (he still lives at home) and that caused him a lot of stress. Plus working 2 jobs he only averaged about 4 hours of sleep a day.

 

But when we were together in person he was always very affectionate and I had no doubts that he wanted to be with me.

 

Yesterday he texted me and I could tell he was in a bad mood, I told him please don't push me away and his reply was that he can't be in a relationship anymore because his life is upside down and he doesn't love himself. I was devastated and still in disbelief, I thought this was the man I'd someday marry.

 

I told him I want to talk in person and he has agreed to meet me tomorrow to exchange our stuff.

 

I really need some advice. I think he's depressed and him saying he's better off alone is the depression talking. I want to help him and I want to save our relationship because I know deep down he really loves me. What can I do? Is there hope?

Edited September 24, 2015 by singme2sleep

[d0nnivain]

For things to be this off so soon, it's not worth trying to save. Spare yourself & move on.

[thejabberwocky]

Honestly, five months isn't really long enough to truly know someone. He definitely sounds depressed but maybe he's always this way and it comes and goes.

 

If he is depressed, there is nothing you can do to help him. He needs to want to help himself and see a doctor and get a therapist.

 

Sorry it ended so abruptly. It's very unfair to you. But depression is going to be a constant theme in his life and if he doesn't want help, better he doesn't bring you down with him.

[stillafool]

Or, maybe he is using Depression to move on from you.

[metaversus]

If you want him back the only thing you can do is give it time and space.

 

If you keep pressing him right now you will lose any possible opportunity to get him back forever.

 

Everyone preaches No Contact here as the end all be all. In this case I think it's your best bet. Give him space to miss you. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot right now and he needs to sort all of that out before he feels like himself again and is able to be in a healthy relationship.

 

If you do not give this situation time and space you will lose him forever.

 

As I type this I can't even believe it's true, but my boyfriend of 5 months ended our relationship yesterday.

 

In the beginning things were great, he was romantic and he swept me off my feet. No guy has ever been sweeter or made me feel so loved in my entire life. I fell hard for him and I knew he felt the same. We became that cutesy couple who makes everyone else want to vomit because we were crazy about each other. For my birthday he even wrote me an old fashioned love letter telling me I was the love of his life.

 

Then over the course of the last month, things started to change. He slowly stopped sending me lovey texts like he used to every day. He became overly stressed at work (he has 2 jobs) plus he's also a volunteer firefighter. He made comments sometimes about not liking his body and the last 2 times we had sex he even kept his shirt on. Despite me telling him how attracted I was to him and how lucky I felt to have him. I knew something was wrong because he was also fighting a lot with his dad (he still lives at home) and that caused him a lot of stress. Plus working 2 jobs he only averaged about 4 hours of sleep a day.

 

But when we were together in person he was always very affectionate and I had no doubts that he wanted to be with me.

 

Yesterday he texted me and I could tell he was in a bad mood, I told him please don't push me away and his reply was that he can't be in a relationship anymore because his life is upside down and he doesn't love himself. I was devastated and still in disbelief, I thought this was the man I'd someday marry.

 

I told him I want to talk in person and he has agreed to meet me tomorrow to exchange our stuff.

 

I really need some advice. I think he's depressed and him saying he's better off alone is the depression talking. I want to help him and I want to save our relationship because I know deep down he really loves me. What can I do? Is there hope?

[singme2sleep]

metaversus- thanks for your kind words. I get what you're saying and I will try like hell to stay silent and let him miss me. But we're meeting up tomorrow to exchange our stuff and I'm very nervous. I'm afraid I'll cry and say all the wrong things.

[singme2sleep]

It's so hard to cut someone out of your life who was up until recently, such a big part of your life. I told my ex everything, we talked everyday. Now I have to pretend he's dead...idk if I can do this!

 

Hoe does everyone else deal with it???

[little princess]

Yes, it's very hard. Mine was my best friend, my teacher, my mentor and I knew I could talk to him about anything and everything. He would tell me to write to him all what was going on with me and he used to make out time for me whenever I needed him, even he was busy.

 

But I have no choice left.. cause he does not want to talk.. so I have to stay NC even it's the last thing I wanted to do.

 

It's hard, but again.. I don't really have an option..

[Mondmellonw]

I'm tired and I, I want to go to bed...

Your name reminded me of that song.

 

 

It is hard, but it will get easier. Just get busy doing stuff you enjoy

try to occupy your mind with positive thoughts.

Hugs to you.

[TunaCat]

Yes it is hard. I'm not going to lie about that.

 

But you CAN do it. It requires a lot of self control not to give in and contact the ex.

 

I know it's easy for me to say now, but you just deal with it. There's no magic wand that you can wave in order to make things easier to deal with.

[erklat]

You are here for 2 years OP, how come you say this now?

 

Sometime a small shift in perspective changes a lot.

[Scars of Me]

It's so hard to cut someone out of your life who was up until recently, such a big part of your life. I told my ex everything, we talked everyday. Now I have to pretend he's dead...idk if I can do this!

 

Hoe does everyone else deal with it???

 

 

In the beginning, I used to contact my ex. whenever I would send a message, it would go ignored. Whenever I called, she would hang up on me. The woman who told me that I owe her 50 years, I would've given her to the end of my life and even then I'd love her in eternity.

To me, she was my best friend. She was my one true joy. I loved her unconditionally. I loved her genuinely. I cared for her genuinely. Zero motives unlike other guys. I was always there for her no matter what. Even when I'm tired, I always made time for her always. I did a lot for her. I bought her a new water heater because the old one stopped working. I even bought the needed supplies to fix her toilet so a bucket wouldn't need to flush it down anymore. I bought food for her to fill her refrigerator to make sure she had food to eat. I did so much for her and more. Whenever she hurt me, I forgave her always.

I did something, but it had nothing to do with infidelity or etc. It was never anything like that. I was completely and utterly faithful, loyal to her. I never once even flirted with anyone else or looked at another female because I don't do those things. I'm a genuine good man and I've always have been. It amazes me though, the one thing I did wrong, apparently I don't get forgiven. Yet, I always forgave her. Many people would say she's crazy for leaving me and that they'd understand the reason as to why I did what I did. Those people would also recognize that one thing doesn't detract from everything else and the depth of my goodness.

I can't remember the last time I contacted her, but it's been some time now since then. Some days are more difficult than others. Some days, I would cry. In the beginning, I would cry often, but now, it's ever so often. Some days, I have bad dreams or difficulty sleeping.

She knows in her heart and her mind that I'm a good man. I’m the best man any woman would be fortunate to have. She and I both know what I did isn't the real reason why she abandoned me. I'm the best man any woman could ever have or would want. I have a friend that tells me, one day she's going to realize what she left. That might be true. Even though she has hurt me immensely, I'll never say a bad word about her. I never have. The interesting thing is she hasn't blocked me. You'd think she would, but she hasn't. My friend tells me, she might try to contact me in the future when she realizes what she let go.

It's been a while since I contacted her and it doesn't get any easier, but each day, I do my best not to think about it or to focus on it. I got back into my weight lifting and powerlifting. I got back into fighting and training again. Watching TV shows. I try to do things to occupy my mind.

Each day, I put on my uniform and do what I do; those under my command have no idea that my heart is damaged and hurt. Each day, I simply try my best to get through the days. That's really all I can do. I just continue to drive on.

[Haydn]

It`s very hard. I failed quite a few times before i kept to it.

 

It worked for me. Different for everyone as to how long you reach indifference.

[Mr Scorpio]

It's so hard to cut someone out of your life who was up until recently, such a big part of your life. I told my ex everything, we talked everyday. Now I have to pretend he's dead...idk if I can do this!

 

Hoe does everyone else deal with it???

 

By focusing on the fact that you are starting over everytime you have any contact with your ex. The same way a junkie starts all over after every needle, or an alcoholic after every drink.

 

It won't ever get any easier if you give yourself just a little "closure" here, or a "how you doing" there, maybe a simple hello on birthdays, holidays, or "special days".

 

Nope. None of it. Not a drop. Not a crumb. Not a prayer. Not a hope. Just silence. That is where you rebuild from.

[Mggreen]

Having contact isn't going to relieve you of your sadness, or the impact of the loss of this person you love. It's instead going to amplify both the loss and the sadness. You gotta cold turkey it girl. It's worth it.

[Gus Grimly]

Don't contact. DONT DO IT. You cry, you're sad, sick and can't fathom living without your Ex. A break up is a deep wound, it's like breaking your arm. That sh*t hurts bad at first. It's an undeniable pain that all you want to do is get drunk and forget about. NC is the cast. It helps you heal faster and will protect you from making things worse.

 

I broke NC and all it did was cause me even more pain. I'm so mad at myself for doing it. My Ex will forever know she had power over me because I crawled back begging for a second chance. Pfft. Ugh.

 

Yes, we all look for an insta-cure for heartache and breaking NC is like a quick fix. In reality it's not a 'fix' at all, it's actually a component of defeat. NC is a savior, not a demon.

[guest569]

It is dreadful but necessary.. Once you convince yourself that it is necessary, it's not the devil. IT IS PEACE and quiet, it is bliss, it is freedom and comfort and the road to recovery. And yes, it sux for most of the journey, but it gets easier every step.

[Meli22]

It gets easier. It gets to a point where it would actually be more awkward to contact them. The urge fades. I have a lot id like to say to my ex but I wouldn't do it.

[singme2sleep]

You are here for 2 years OP, how come you say this now?

 

Sometime a small shift in perspective changes a lot.

 

 

 

I haven't been on here in awhile, I originally joined because of another breakup 2 years ago, then I came back because my current love has broken my heart.

[singme2sleep]

How do I get him to see a therapist? He's very stubborn and macho so I know the idea of therapy will turn him off because he will just equate it to being weak. But I'm worried that if he doesn't get professional help, he won't get better!

[LostOnes05]

I recently went through a breakup with a woman that said she loved me every day. By all means, I thought this was the woman I would marry. Then she became rude towards me and used something insignificant, in the grand scheme of things (something that had nothing to do with me), to justify a breakup. I tried to continue to be nice towards her but was only met with agitation and unnecessary drama. I've let it go because my only flaw was caring too much. Although it bothers me for a few minutes every day since, I rest easy at night understanding that I put my all into the relationship. My point to you is this. Sometimes no matter what you do, how much you care, or how bright you know the future could be with this person it won't be enough if their heart isn't in it. They have to make the conscious decision to work with you through problems. That's what a relationship is all about. When one person is down, the other helps to lift them back up and vice versa. Teammates. Someone who is reliable.

 

On the other hand, someone who runs when there is trouble without putting forth a concerted effort is not a person that can be a rock for you when you hit life's lows. I'm a good guy, always have been...always will be despite getting the short end of the deal all the time. I care despite the hurt, but I know my worth and what I bring to a relationship so it is their loss. But my view is this, if someone can't be there for me or disappears during times of struggle (or let me be there for them), why make them a factor in my life when times are good? Someone walking away without working through an issue is not a reflection on you or your worth, but of a flaw in their character. And only they can fix something so internal. I know what you're going through as I am going through the same thing. Put in your mind that someone who loves you and wants you to love them will fight all 12 rounds, not throw in the towel after the first punch.

[carolinat]

Yes, breaking up sucks, and it´s the worst feeling I´ve been through that. But in the future, when you connect the dots backwards, you understand why that had to happen. I know how you all feel and I´m here to listen if anyone wants to talk to someone and just want let it all out.

[Redhead14]

As I type this I can't even believe it's true, but my boyfriend of 5 months ended our relationship yesterday.

 

In the beginning things were great, he was romantic and he swept me off my feet. No guy has ever been sweeter or made me feel so loved in my entire life. I fell hard for him and I knew he felt the same. We became that cutesy couple who makes everyone else want to vomit because we were crazy about each other. For my birthday he even wrote me an old fashioned love letter telling me I was the love of his life.

 

Then over the course of the last month, things started to change. He slowly stopped sending me lovey texts like he used to every day. He became overly stressed at work (he has 2 jobs) plus he's also a volunteer firefighter. He made comments sometimes about not liking his body and the last 2 times we had sex he even kept his shirt on. Despite me telling him how attracted I was to him and how lucky I felt to have him. I knew something was wrong because he was also fighting a lot with his dad (he still lives at home) and that caused him a lot of stress. Plus working 2 jobs he only averaged about 4 hours of sleep a day.

 

But when we were together in person he was always very affectionate and I had no doubts that he wanted to be with me.

 

Yesterday he texted me and I could tell he was in a bad mood, I told him please don't push me away and his reply was that he can't be in a relationship anymore because his life is upside down and he doesn't love himself. I was devastated and still in disbelief, I thought this was the man I'd someday marry.

 

I told him I want to talk in person and he has agreed to meet me tomorrow to exchange our stuff.

 

I really need some advice. I think he's depressed and him saying he's better off alone is the depression talking. I want to help him and I want to save our relationship because I know deep down he really loves me. What can I do? Is there hope?

 

You need to give this man some space. The truth is that while he is feeling this low, words will not negate the depression. The more you try to pull him in or convince him, the further away he will push you.

 

If you love him, tell him you will let him do what he needs to do for himself for the next say, two weeks. During this time, if he doesn't reach out to you, you can reach out in a light supportive way. No talk of the relationship. You tell him that at the end of the two weeks, you'd like to meet and talk about how he is feeling then and whether or not he wants to continue with you. During this time you focus on yourself and your needs and evaluate whether this man is truly right for you.

 

The situation with this man did not happen overnight. There is some underlying issue here. Either he's struggled with this situation since before you met and hes' been pushing it aside and putting on his best face and is now simply unable to maintain the facade or it's really just a situational depression caused by the stress of the job etc. But given the fact he is expression dislike for his body, etc, it's unlikely to be a new issue.

 

Give this some time but prepare yourself to move on. It's only been 5 months and you may simply be beginning to see the real person now.

[singme2sleep]

If I kill all hope of him ever coming back, it's prob the smarter route to take but at the same time it's depressing beyond words.

 

This isn't my first breakup obviously and I've gone through this a few times before. I know it feels gutt wrenching until it doesn't anymore but for me this time was different. I thought this was The One. I thought I was going to marry this man someday. Now all I have is a box of our memories and the bag of my stuff back he gave me which I can't bare to open yet.

 

I was going to try my best to move on but give myself a tiny bit of hope for the future that he could come back, yet a voice inside me is saying he never will. It's like I'm battling with myself and I'm just in so much damn pain!

 

People are notoriously negative on this site and are quick to tell you it's definitely over, go no contact etc. THAT's HARD AS HELL. How is everyone else holding up? Anybody got a good coping strategy besides NC and focusing on yourself?!

[Liono84]

Yes, people are very negative on this site but it's for your own good. It's always better to go forth with life accepting that it's completely over than holding out false hope for months, year(s).