My past break ups (trying to send some hope) and current break up

[Mana15]

Hey, everyone! So, I was in this relationship for nearly 5 years. During these 5 years, we broke up about 4 times (we are currently broken up for the fourth time). I created this topic both to give many of you some hope in case you relate to any of my previous break ups with this guy and to vent a little about how I believe my relationship ended for good this time. I'll start by sharing my previous break ups and reconciliations with him. So prepare for a crazy emotional ride!

 

1st break up (January-February 2011) - We had been dating for about 3 months and, to be honest, I wasn't taking it seriously yet. I got close to a guy and started having feelings for him (classic grass is greener) and ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. About two or three days later, I realized I had made a mistake and begged him to take me back. He was STONE COLD. Didn't show any emotion towards me because of how hurt he was. I was so, so down... I realized my only option was to go NC and remove him from my life, so I could stop suffering. Not even a week later, he was asking around about me and about a couple of days later sent me a message begging me to go back to him. Despite how cold and insensitive he was to me, the fault of the break up was mine and I knew we were great together, so I took him back right away. In the end, we were broken up for almost a month.

 

2nd break up (January-April 2012) - We dated for 10 or 11 months until we broke up again. I was going through a lot (my parents got a divorce, my grandmother passed away and I was having a hard time adapting in college) and that made me really possessive and I would get angry at him all the time. It was really hard at first and I begged him to get back together with me everyday, which distanced me from him even further. I knew I had to work on myself and that's what I did. I went NC for about 2 months and then broke it, convinced I could win him back. I was right, I did win him back after just 2 weeks in contact with him, but I still think I was really lucky and something in my gut told me there was a chance, so I would NEVER recommend breaking NC.

 

3rd break up (March-October 2013) - Things had been rocky since January, but before that, the relationship was great. But as he grew distant, I confronted him and he told me he was starting to have feelings for another girl. I literally felt my heart breaking in thousand pieces. I thought this time it was for good and I immediately went full NC. I think I had never been so sad in my life. He was my biggest support and my life was a mess. Broke NC a few times from March to June, hoping something would've changed. But nothing did. And then, the worst and longest Summer of my life begun. I was literally forced to work full time on something I didn't want to, replacing my mother who had fallen ill and nearly died. It was really, really tough, especially because I thought about him and missed him every single day. Luckily, everything begun to change in September. I was accepted on the college I wanted to get in for two years and I knew that would help me get over him. Coincidentally, in October he asked a friend we had in common to tell me he wanted to talk to me. I unblocked him on Skype and he apologized. He realized he needed me and wasn't happy without me. I said I had to think, and I did. I mean, I had to, after how he made me suffer. But I wasn't totally over him and felt that our relationship would be stronger than ever if we got back, so we got back together two or three weeks later.

 

And now, what I'm going through right now.

 

Current break up - Our relationship was the best it could ever have been for over a year. We were both really happy. That is, until in January this year when he found out I was keeping a huge secret from him (which I don't feel comfortable sharing yet, I'm sorry). Although I can't reveal the secret, I can tell you it's something really, really serious (not cheating) and made him stop looking at me the same way. He told me we could try keeping a relationship anyway, but I didn't want him to go through that, so we broke up. Here's the thing: he begged me to keep in contact with him because he couldn't live without me. And so we kept in touch. He was hurt at first and he didn't really trust me, but I felt like he was slowly beginning to trust me again. This month, he finally got into college and I felt really insecure. After all, I still have feelings for him and I don't know how I will feel once he gets a new girlfriend. As such, I decided it was the time to bring back the secret (which we did not talk about since January) and tell him everything about it. Before I revealed everything, he said he still wanted me in his life because he didn't see himself without me, but he turned cold after I told him everything. Colder than he had ever been with me. I told him this two days before he started college. Then I kept in touch with him until his second day of classes, to make sure he was happy with this new phase of his life. And I felt like he was. So I left him a message saying goodbye on Skype and how I didn't want to keep talking to him because things between us would never be the same. That was yesterday. I blocked him on Skype, deleted and blocked him on Facebook and I'm currently recovering. I don't feel as hopeless as I did with my 3rd break up and I know I can move on, but it's still like a part of me is missing and that always hurts.

 

I now would like to ask everyone a few questions: do you think trust is something you can earn back? Do you think it depends on the person? Can you love without trusting (like my ex said he needed me but didn't trust me)? Any type of advice or feedback would be welcome.

 

Some of you will probably see me as the "dark side" of the relationship and say that I don't really deserve him, since I was the one who made it a mess so many times, but thank you all for allowing me to vent my break up experiences with you (it helped a lot) and I'm sorry for the long post

[Mana15]

Small update.

 

I unblocked him yesterday on Skype after only 3 days of NC. I felt really guilty the previous day because the break up was my fault and, as you know if you read my initial post, I hurt him a lot.

 

This was in January, but only this month I've been feeling the pain of the break up because we were really close neverthless. But now he went to college and barely spent any time on the PC (which is when we talk the most). It also bothered me that he was going to parties nearly everyday since he's there. I don't want to date him, I want to only be his friend (or I want to want to), but since what he does bothers me so much, I know that isn't possible for now.

 

Anyway, when I unblocked him we talked and cleared out a few things I apparently misunderstood. He said he wasn't going to ask me to keep talking with him, even though he said he still felt like he needed me. Then he said "Do whatever you want, as long as it's definitive. If you go, I want to move on without anything holding me back, which includes you popping up every 5 days". He was kinda rude, but I kinda understand it. Now I've deleted him from Skype and I'm confident that I won't approach him again until I feel ready (if ever).

 

Any type of advice or support would be welcome, as always!

Edited September 20, 2015 by Mana15

[Mana15]

1 week of NC update!

 

It went by faster than I thought. I guess it helps that I'm back to college. It still hurts, of course (friday was particularly awful, but I've been fine since then), but I'm learning to deal with it a bit everyday. The worst part of day is definitely the morning, when I wake up. It takes so much un-depress myself after I wake up... But I suppose there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I still wonder how my ex is doing, though. He's probably having a blast now that he went to college, not even giving any thought to me. And maybe it's for the better.

[Mana15]

3 week of NC update!

 

Days have been going by much faster than in the first week. I'd say in the second and third weeks, there were about 4 or 5 days in which I was thinking about him all day long. What hurts the most is thinking about how he must be having fun in college, not thinking about me for even a second.

 

Today, though, I'm in a bad day. Not necessarily because I miss my ex, but when something else gets me down, I tend to think about my ex more and it's awful. I'm afraid I'll be alone in the future (both in love and friendship). I hope I'll be better tomorrow.

 

Anyway, although I'm kinda depressed today, these past two weeks weren't all that bad. I hope I can keep it up and gradually get better!

[Mana15]

1 month of NC update!

 

I'm really proud of myself. It's been a month since I last talked to my ex and, even though it hasn't been easy, I didn't even for once think about breaking NC! He hasn't reached out either, but I didn't expect him to, since the break-up was my fault and I realized there's nothing I can do to change his mind. All I can do is heal myself.

 

There have been bad days and some not so bad days. Some are even good and I barely think about him, but those were more frequent after the first week. Most days have been "meh" since last week.

 

I've been getting busy. College keeps me really occupied, which helps, and going to the gym once or twice a week has been helping as well, since I feel like I'm working to become more attractive and to be more confident in my next relationship. Other than that, been watching a few shows as well.

 

Yeah, I wonder a lot if he still thinks about me (it was 5 years, after all), but what can I do? He went to college now, is probably having the time of his life partying and will eventually move on. I'm afraid he will change into a different person, but I shouldn't worry about something like that. We're not together anymore.

 

All in all, I think I'm slowly progressing! I'd also like to thank LS for allowing me to share my feelings like this and keep a log of everything I've been through so far. From now on, I'll be doing an update each 2 weeks!