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Lost a love twice


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Hi there,

So my story won't be any different from the rest but I'm trying to find ways of coping with the feeling of just not wanting to exist after my recent break up. I'll try to keep it short as possible but I'm known for being terrible at condensing.

 

I'm a girl who fancies other girls. A gay girl is the simplest way of saying it but the reason I don't come out and say that is I don't feel like it's a special thing more than being straight and I'm not into scenes or politics ect. I think everyone is equal and should be treated so. I'm stubborn as a mule at times, but I am very loving kind person who people tell their woes and secrets to because they know I won't look down on them. Ok so...

 

The 'love of my life' aka The German came back into my life this April, after 2 years of absolutely no correspondence between each other. She moved into a house I lived in and we automatically hit it off and there was an attraction but I was more keen to explore than she was. Eventually we kissed and became more but she never wanted to label us as gfs. She loved me, we did everything a couple did but she insisted we were not gfs and weren't dating. Eventually she moved back to her home country and it parted badly. I was in love with her and we'd been together for almost every day of a year. It was worse that my 1st break up where I was cheated on. The depression and anxiety was intense. I was jobless too so felt like a super useful human. Anyway...

 

I ended up somehow, dating this lovely girl for 4 months. I tried to play things romantic but not intense (trying to learn from mistakes) and she seemed to like me and wanted to move in with me then randomly dumped me and never told me why (not so lovely I suppose). On valentines day. Anyway the next two years go by, I try to forget, I had a job and was trying to enjoy life, but the german was always in my heart and thoughts. I believed she was with someone and happy and forgot me.

 

The day after my bday this year she gets in touch and tells me she was suffering from BPD this whole time and never was with anyone else and missed me all the time and loved me. We connected and I asked her about the whole "gf" thing. Still for the first month of talking she said "I love you and fancy you but don't have that romantic feeling whereby I would hold your hand in public and call you my gf" - I know...makes no sense does it?

 

We aired past issues, she got upset when she found out I had an interim gf and she admitted she always looked at my social media sites so as not to lose me from her life completely. We started to grow as we had before but this time closer. We met up and she came for a week to stay with me and eventually said "I'm in love with you and want to be your gf"

 

I freaked out and froze and she got upset. I asked for a couple of days to breathe before I said yes. She got so upset she made a dating profile to get compliments to make her feel good. I was shocked but felt I couldn't say boo cos I had hurt her by not saying yes straight away. A few days went by where she would ask me every day to say yes and told me she wouldn't fall out of love with me for a long time. I say yes, to finally give us a proper go...and she said "no".

 

I was floored. She now, like a switch that flipped in the blink of an eye wants to be on a dating site, meeting specifically queer women for 'friendship' as she says it but she told me she is deleting and blocking me on all comm links because SHE has to MOVE on. She does...she dumps me but she has to move on so she can make specifically queer friends cos I'm just a normal Irish girl who loved her.

 

Bare in mind she said she couldn't bear to lose me and I was the closest person to her ever. The next day...she blocks me. I rejoined the same dating site just to see and she was online, all the time (ironically we're 99% match).

 

During the 2yrs she never met any gay people really because of her social phobia. Now she is meeting people from the internet that fear is gone and so she will be with a girl soon, if not as I type (cos she is beautiful, interesting and funny), which makes me sick, sad and feel empty :(

 

So that's the short version (believe me) and I appreciate anyone who took time to read it. I'm currently in bits, I've gone through this anguish, this not wanting to live, this hurt before and scared to sink again. I feel like I need to keep my pain in because my loved ones went through this once and I shouldn't burden them again.

 

How does someone say all those things and then switch? I just can't stop my brain from thinking and my heart from hurting.

 

Yes I deserve better but right now I want and miss her and want reasons I'll never get. It took me 2 years to believe I could move on despite still loving her and she came back into my life and I'm back to square one.

 

I feel like I failed a test and I am just someone people use to better themselves, then dump me and go to others.

 

I'm so ashamed of myself that even after she made it clear she just has NO feelings but still 'cares', that I still tried to win her back and fight for us. So...stupid and desperate.

 

The last thing she said to me was "I'm sorry but you chose to stay. I feel no guilt because I know I didn't lie"

Edited by ssjmoon
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I keep msging her trying to get her to tell me what happened and trying to remind her that she came into my life, not the other way and that I'm someone she said she loved more than anyone in the world 6wks ago.

 

I'm an idiot.

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