Becoming friends with an ex

[aboucher21]

My ex and I broke up 5 months ago on good terms (My decision) and we still respect each other and care about each other a lot. She wanted to remain friends after the breakup because we were best friends and she didnt want to completely lose me. She moved on rather quickly and being friends came easy for her it seems. However I have never been the one to be friends with an ex and I would be lying if I said I looked at her in a completely platonic way.We both attend the same college so we see each other occasionally and she tries talking me a few times a week even though I told her I wasnt ready about a month ago. I am in a good place in my life and genuinely happy and would be able to give a new girl everything she needs in a partner. My ex always initiates the light contact and I have no desire to hangout with her despite a few of her attempts at breakfast or something which she hopes "Doesnt overstep our boundaries". So my question is how do I deal with her. I do still miss her and care about her but I feel like I wont be able to look at her strictly platonic until I find someone else. I feel bad because she has been very patient and has been there for me and has continued to care about me greatly.

[theredpill]

The friends dynamic is never the same after a breakup and you'll suffer a lack of drive to equal or better her, as you can see unless you stop being her friend.

[neowulf]

I've managed to stay on friendly terms with a couple of ex's.

Basically it requires the following;

 

1. Enough time has to have passed. Generally speaking 5 months isn't nearly enough. Usually 6 months minimum, 12 months is better.

 

2. You have to be completely over each other. If there is even a minor degree of sexual tension remaining, it will screw up your friendship.

 

So from what you've described, you're not ready to be friends right now.

[aboucher21]

should I talk to her about it? I have a few times but have never completely shut her out if she ever needed to get in touch. It's just tough because we have mutual friends such as my roommate who hangs out with her which is a whole other issue lol. We are friendly and I can say hi and have small talk but not sure if I can do more.

[dumbass2]

You be honest and upfront and let her know that you still have romantic feelings for her and it is best that you two do not remain in contact at all because you can't just be friends. Maybe you two will cross paths way down the road after your feelings have gone and then you can try and be friends. You are not even close right now and you have to let her know. She's good with friends and you are not. Don't come off like you are ok with everything because that is not fair to her or you. She has told you where she's at. Now it's your turn.

[Gus Grimly]

Personally, I've never wanted to be friends with an Ex. There's just too much history there. I've seen it work for other people, but for me? Nah. I have a best friend, he and I have known each other our whole lives. That's all I need. I understand not many people are fortunate to find someone like that, so they turn to their girlfriends, wives and partners for that deep 'connection'.

 

In the past, I called an Ex "my best friend" and "soul mate", but who was I kidding? I tried it, being friends. Months after the BU, I just couldn't stand by and watch her in the arms of another guy. It killed me, especially when she started to call me up asking advice on what she should wear on her date and how attracted she was to him. I confronted her but she was shocked and confused, she said "You're my closest friend, my best friend, I only asked you because I'm so nervous and you know what clothes make me look pretty." Guess I wasn't over her.

 

I realized now that thinking she was a close friend was just part of the experience of being intimately close to someone. Because we knew so much about each other, had so many experiences together, I mistook love and devotion for actual friendship. I thought I could be a friend to her. I'm just not strong enough. If you are more power to ya, I avoid it now like the plague.

[Samuel_22]

My ex and I broke up 5 months ago on good terms (My decision) and we still respect each other and care about each other a lot. She wanted to remain friends after the breakup because we were best friends and she didnt want to completely lose me. She moved on rather quickly and being friends came easy for her it seems. However I have never been the one to be friends with an ex and I would be lying if I said I looked at her in a completely platonic way.We both attend the same college so we see each other occasionally and she tries talking me a few times a week even though I told her I wasnt ready about a month ago. I am in a good place in my life and genuinely happy and would be able to give a new girl everything she needs in a partner. My ex always initiates the light contact and I have no desire to hangout with her despite a few of her attempts at breakfast or something which she hopes "Doesnt overstep our boundaries". So my question is how do I deal with her. I do still miss her and care about her but I feel like I wont be able to look at her strictly platonic until I find someone else. I feel bad because she has been very patient and has been there for me and has continued to care about me greatly.

Respect? Dude there is no respect, she already hates you for what you have done to her, I think the only reason she pretends she respects your decision is that, she thinks there is a chance of reconciliation, sorry but you have broken her heart and any attempt to stay friends BFF blah blah... will make her situation worse IMAHO. Leave her alone, you have already made up your mind, to me asking an ex to stay friends after break up is like kidnappers asking to keep in touch after letting yo go...it is that ridiculous

[aboucher21]

Respect? Dude there is no respect, she already hates you for what you have done to her, I think the only reason she pretends she respects your decision is that, she thinks there is a chance of reconciliation, sorry but you have broken her heart and any attempt to stay friends BFF blah blah... will make her situation worse IMAHO. Leave her alone, you have already made up your mind, to me asking an ex to stay friends after break up is like kidnappers asking to keep in touch after letting yo go...it is that ridiculous

 

I respect your opinion but you are completely off base with this. She is like a robot and can control her feelings extremely well and she genuinely does respect me and what not. And I know for a fact that she does not want to reconcile, just trust me on that. I think during our relationship she didnt see me in the most romantic way which I think is how she made an easy transition plus she is friends with all of her exes.

[aboucher21]

A new development regarding my ex has come up. So the other night she asked why I cant be in the same room as her. I previously asked for space and she obviously doesnt understand I cant see her if I want to move on. So I replied by saying I dont want to be friends right now blah blah blah and I was a little harsh so today I asked her if she wanted to meet up and talk. I wanted to explain why I cant be in the same room as her right now, etc. Instead she said that I am being selfish and unfair to her for being "half in". What she was saying really made no sense. Is the best thing to just completely cut her off?

[aboucher21]

And she also said she has done her best of being courteous of my feelings even though she still occasionally text me (I never initiate) and seems to get mad when I dont hang out with her when my friends do...

[Hell Yeah]

A new development regarding my ex has come up. So the other night she asked why I cant be in the same room as her. I previously asked for space and she obviously doesnt understand I cant see her if I want to move on. So I replied by saying I dont want to be friends right now blah blah blah and I was a little harsh so today I asked her if she wanted to meet up and talk. I wanted to explain why I cant be in the same room as her right now, etc. Instead she said that I am being selfish and unfair to her for being "half in". What she was saying really made no sense. Is the best thing to just completely cut her off?

 

 

You want to meet up and talk to explain why you can't be in the same room? Dude you don't need to explain yourself or anything. Just be civil and neutral as its awkward being around an ex in Uni, college etc.

 

You don't have to be a friend or anything. Just keep you wits about you and think of yourself, you both don't have any form of commitment or obligation towards one another now.

 

If you have no romantic feelings towards her and vice versa then yeah if you enjoy her company by all means hang etc. If you either of you have feelings its a big red no, but be mindful, respectful and civil.

 

one of my best friends is an old ex (we were going to move in, have kids etc), i even helped her move in to her new house yesterday!!! building wardrobes, beds etc!........but it took 7 years of no contact to reach to that.... so it is possible

 

She is even helping me with my recent split, and showing me dam more respect and love than my current ex did ever!

 

But that's because time healed between us, we grew as people etc but i know for a fact i couldn't be friends ever with my current ex, which is a shame as we both know all our darkest little secrets etc, plus i love her kids and that would pain me not to be how i was with them.

 

But.....

 

Back to the point, if you have feelings....fall back, enjoy your time, cut the contact and do the healing

 

cheers bud

[Simon Phoenix]

And she also said she has done her best of being courteous of my feelings even though she still occasionally text me (I never initiate) and seems to get mad when I dont hang out with her when my friends do...

 

So you want to meet her to explain why you can't be in contact with her? That doesn't make much sense. You need to stop responding to her. You've made your position known -- now follow through with it. And honestly, if she can't adhere to your request for No Contact, and if you can't actually hold fast when she does contact and not respond, maybe you should block her.

 

You aren't ready to be friends. Don't force it.

[aboucher21]

You want to meet up and talk to explain why you can't be in the same room? Dude you don't need to explain yourself or anything. Just be civil and neutral as its awkward being around an ex in Uni, college etc.

 

You don't have to be a friend or anything. Just keep you wits about you and think of yourself, you both don't have any form of commitment or obligation towards one another now.

 

If you have no romantic feelings towards her and vice versa then yeah if you enjoy her company by all means hang etc. If you either of you have feelings its a big red no, but be mindful, respectful and civil.

 

one of my best friends is an old ex (we were going to move in, have kids etc), i even helped her move in to her new house yesterday!!! building wardrobes, beds etc!........but it took 7 years of no contact to reach to that.... so it is possible

 

She is even helping me with my recent split, and showing me dam more respect and love than my current ex did ever!

 

But that's because time healed between us, we grew as people etc but i know for a fact i couldn't be friends ever with my current ex, which is a shame as we both know all our darkest little secrets etc, plus i love her kids and that would pain me not to be how i was with them.

 

But.....

 

Back to the point, if you have feelings....fall back, enjoy your time, cut the contact and do the healing

 

cheers bud

 

Thank you. It almost seems like she just expects me to be ready to hangout like nothing ever happened between us and it's obviously unrealistic. And yeah if you put meeting up to explain why I cant contact her in words it does sound dumb. I am glad to hear about you and your ex! I am sure it just naturally happened, not forced or anything right?

[aboucher21]

So you want to meet her to explain why you can't be in contact with her? That doesn't make much sense. You need to stop responding to her. You've made your position known -- now follow through with it. And honestly, if she can't adhere to your request for No Contact, and if you can't actually hold fast when she does contact and not respond, maybe you should block her.

 

You aren't ready to be friends. Don't force it.

 

That's been my problem. I have no problem not contacting her but if she reaches out to me I feel bad ignoring her since she does still care about me. I do realize that I have to do what's best for me and sometimes what is best is hard.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's been my problem. I have no problem not contacting her but if she reaches out to me I feel bad ignoring her since she does still care about me. I do realize that I have to do what's best for me and sometimes what is best is hard.

 

Then you have to block. You have to put your needs above hers. She is the one who broke up with you. Not being in contact with you is a consequence of breaking up. And don't delude yourself -- her contacting you is much more about filling her needs than it is with her "caring" about you.

[Hell Yeah]

Thank you. It almost seems like she just expects me to be ready to hangout like nothing ever happened between us and it's obviously unrealistic. And yeah if you put meeting up to explain why I cant contact her in words it does sound dumb. I am glad to hear about you and your ex! I am sure it just naturally happened, not forced or anything right?

 

My current ex was like this when we broke up the first time, it can be for other reasons i.e. not wanting to let go, attention ego stroking, generally wanting a friendship, just playing games and being a bitch......etc

 

You know her as a person, so you should be able to read between the lines to a degree in how she communicates.....but then some women and men are just plain mind boggling!!!!

 

No your not dumb at all, sometimes we act without thinking it through properly, again we all are human dude.....well most of us

 

Funny enough she spotted me on a dating site about 22 months ago......haha and she messaged me something quite funny. We meet up had dinner, released we didn't feel like that to each other anymore (we didn't have to say it which was nice) and spoke about the old days. I was even helping her dad out also yesterday. Its really nice and strangely not weird....I love her and her family like my own family. She is my rock and I'm hers. Both our families kinda hope we get back together but we just really love each others as mates, which I think is awesome

 

I'm protecting her from the 'Usual' players and she is me. But i didn't listen to her when i went back with my current ex.......and now she wants to kill her literally!!! I mean i have to hold her back from contacting her etc!

 

But its different for everyone (i'm lucky here i guess), what worked for me might not work on another. Depends on the breakup, the person and yourself

 

Like i said will not ever happen with my current ex!!! Might post my story on here at some point,.......maybe we should get a huge Ex book published form all our tales!

[theredpill]

I don't know whether you're with someone else yet, but when that happens the friendship will implode in the worst way possible, especially if the new one is prettier!

 

 

There could be tears, more likely, stabbing etc.

[aboucher21]

I don't know whether you're with someone else yet, but when that happens the friendship will implode in the worst way possible, especially if the new one is prettier!

 

 

There could be tears, more likely, stabbing etc.

 

I guess you never know but with her I doubt it...She never gets jealous and can control her emotions very well. I broke up with her and she got over me in 3 weeks which is astonishing to me. I wish I could do that!

[aboucher21]

My current ex was like this when we broke up the first time, it can be for other reasons i.e. not wanting to let go, attention ego stroking, generally wanting a friendship, just playing games and being a bitch......etc

 

You know her as a person, so you should be able to read between the lines to a degree in how she communicates.....but then some women and men are just plain mind boggling!!!!

 

No your not dumb at all, sometimes we act without thinking it through properly, again we all are human dude.....well most of us

 

Funny enough she spotted me on a dating site about 22 months ago......haha and she messaged me something quite funny. We meet up had dinner, released we didn't feel like that to each other anymore (we didn't have to say it which was nice) and spoke about the old days. I was even helping her dad out also yesterday. Its really nice and strangely not weird....I love her and her family like my own family. She is my rock and I'm hers. Both our families kinda hope we get back together but we just really love each others as mates, which I think is awesome

 

I'm protecting her from the 'Usual' players and she is me. But i didn't listen to her when i went back with my current ex.......and now she wants to kill her literally!!! I mean i have to hold her back from contacting her etc!

 

But its different for everyone (i'm lucky here i guess), what worked for me might not work on another. Depends on the breakup, the person and yourself

 

Like i said will not ever happen with my current ex!!! Might post my story on here at some point,.......maybe we should get a huge Ex book published form all our tales!

 

Yeah I gotta do my own thing. It's great to hear about your experience. I have always believed everything happens for a reason.

[aboucher21]

Ok so I completely cut my ex off for a few weeks because I couldnt do just friends like she wanted. Then the other day she randomly texted me asking if we could meet up and talk. So I go and she tells me that she still misses me and being at school has been hard without me. She gets a knot in her stomach when someone says my name and all this stuff. So essentially she told me she is not over me despite saying she was all summer. Everything hit her when we got back she said. I have been really good without her but I do still love her. So I dont know where to go from here. She didnt give a direct answer when I asked her if she wanted more than friends. She said something like I cant answer that. So I said "well thats not a no" and she said "it would be unfair to say yes though". So i have no clue whats going on and just had to vent a little. It was the first time she said she has had feelings for me since the break up 6 months ago. Any thoughts?

[Blanco]

I'm friends with one ex, but a LOT of time had to pass before it could be a genuine friendship with no subconscious desire for it to be more.

 

In my experience, it's virtually impossible to transition from relationship to friendship without some time apart so the romantic feelings can fade and go dormant.

[aboucher21]

Did you happen to see my last post? Or do you still think that is what it means.

[Blanco]

Why did you break up? What would be different if you got back together. Do you legitimately see a future with this person, or are you just feeling a bit guilty and nostalgic for this girl?

 

Those are all things to ask yourself and be honest about. She obviously isn't ready for friendship, and it doesn't sound like you are, either. If you don't see yourself back with her romantically, then it's best to table the idea of friendship for a LONG time. Like, more than a year.

 

I can say that in my experience, it was close to three years before I was able to see my ex as a person whose friendship I wanted.

[aboucher21]

Why did you break up? What would be different if you got back together. Do you legitimately see a future with this person, or are you just feeling a bit guilty and nostalgic for this girl?

 

Those are all things to ask yourself and be honest about. She obviously isn't ready for friendship, and it doesn't sound like you are, either. If you don't see yourself back with her romantically, then it's best to table the idea of friendship for a LONG time. Like, more than a year.

 

I can say that in my experience, it was close to three years before I was able to see my ex as a person whose friendship I wanted.

 

I broke up with her but honestly there was no clear cut reason for breaking up. I just got bored with her I guess. She didnt want sex as much as me, she's not the most affectionate person, etc. I just felt like friends rather than a couple. I feel as though those are issues that can be addressed though with some work though?

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok so I completely cut my ex off for a few weeks because I couldnt do just friends like she wanted. Then the other day she randomly texted me asking if we could meet up and talk. So I go and she tells me that she still misses me and being at school has been hard without me. She gets a knot in her stomach when someone says my name and all this stuff. So essentially she told me she is not over me despite saying she was all summer. Everything hit her when we got back she said. I have been really good without her but I do still love her. So I dont know where to go from here. She didnt give a direct answer when I asked her if she wanted more than friends. She said something like I cant answer that. So I said "well thats not a no" and she said "it would be unfair to say yes though". So i have no clue whats going on and just had to vent a little. It was the first time she said she has had feelings for me since the break up 6 months ago. Any thoughts?

 

That's definitely a no. Anything other than a "yes" is a "no" in these situations.