Did I lower myself? (New Member)

[Gretzky99]

Hello, I've been on this forum for awhile, but wanted to share my story;

 

My girlfriend of a year broke up with me 3 months ago. I'm 29 and she's 27. It was one of those sudden and unexpected breakups. I guess, they all are right? Lol. We were very compatible both in a physical sense and emotional too. She claimed she needed space because her grad-school and work life were getting too stressful on her and she couldn't be as invested in the relationship. I still don't know if it was strictly related to her anxiety problems that contributed to the break up with the added stress of school/work or if she fell out of love with me. She claimed that she still loved me but this was not the right time in her life. She suffered from anxiety issues at times; Although in the year that I knew her, I never thought it was as bad as she made it out to seem.

 

I didn't take the breakup very well. We met in person and I remember trying to plead, convince and even beg that it didn't have to end this way and why we could make this work. (Basically everything that you shouldn't do loll). In the end, she didn't change her mind. Later that night, I called her like 4 times with no answer, then left her 2 voice mails for her to call me back and then texted her pleading my profound love and how much she meant to me. We texted back and forth and yet again, she didn't change her mind. At the very end, i texted her that if she came across a time where she had doubts on her decision, to please promise to call me. She said if that happened, she would.

 

So it's been 3 months and I haven't heard a word from her to this day. I also know that she's not in a official relationship with anyone from a mutual friend. Although, I have no clue as to whether or not she's seeming someone. I've gone NC all the way since then. Not one call or text or email. I don't have social media aside from Twitter and she doesn't have a Twitter account. I've slowly moved on with time and am slowly reaching a state of indifference.

 

But, I still desperately want to know whether or not my actions and how I handled the breakup left a bad impression or not form her persepective????? I wanted to know if NC and completely cutting her off would be the last impression she had of me or is it that stupid breakup day where I handled myself like a little needy emotional baby???

Edited September 3, 2015 by Gretzky99

[BriNyc82]

Hello, I've been on this forum for awhile, but wanted to share my story;

 

 

But, I still desperately want to know whether or not my actions and how I handled the breakup left a bad impression or not form her persepective????? I wanted to know if NC and completely cutting her off would be the last impression she had of me or is it that stupid breakup day where I handled myself like a little needy emotional baby???

 

I don't really have any advice but I'm in the same boat as you. Also ended things 3 months ago, out of the blue, I made a fool out of myself too, he wouldn't budge and went straight NC.

 

I always wonder if that's the lasting impression which just confirms all his reasons for ending it, or if he remembers the me that I really am. Who knows, and to be honest who cares? You plead because you were passionate and cared about her. Who just lets someone they care about walk away? You and me, we are fighters. We fight for things we want. Some may call it weak and pathetic but I think it's brave to put yourself out there like that.

 

So all in all, I don't know how your ex remembers you. To be honest she probably isn't even thinking about it. Either is my ex. When they are so cold like that, their mind is made up and they have detached. They're gone and it doesn't matter to them.

[Gretzky99]

I don't really have any advice but I'm in the same boat as you. Also ended things 3 months ago, out of the blue, I made a fool out of myself too, he wouldn't budge and went straight NC.

 

I always wonder if that's the lasting impression which just confirms all his reasons for ending it, or if he remembers the me that I really am. Who knows, and to be honest who cares? You plead because you were passionate and cared about her. Who just lets someone they care about walk away? You and me, we are fighters. We fight for things we want. Some may call it weak and pathetic but I think it's brave to put yourself out there like that.

 

So all in all, I don't know how your ex remembers you. To be honest she probably isn't even thinking about it. Either is my ex. When they are so cold like that, their mind is made up and they have detached. They're gone and it doesn't matter to them.

 

You'r so right. The answer to that question is insignificant. But it always still bugs me because when I hear ppl on this forum say how you handle the breakup can effect the Dumpers decision when things settle down, I wonder if I was more cool, calm and collected like how I normally am, would she have a different impression of me.

 

It's def hard, because ur heart is literally being ripped away when the person u love is dumping u. And yes, part of the reason why I was so utterly hurt was because she was so sure, so cold, so calculated, so unwilling when we met face to face. I would've loved to handle the situation differently. I was in such a weak emotional place and in such disbelief that I couldnt even make sense. I would've imagined her crying and sobbing and being hard for her to put the words together, but she was like literally a different person. And my only natural reaction was to fight and let her see my point of view that it didn't have to end this way.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Gretzky99

[Gretzky99]

I also think another weird thing is, after the whole grieving process happens where you cry for the first few days or week(s), you then accept it but accept with a condition that this is just for now. That, surely, she/he will contact me once the dust settles and she/he realized the loss.

 

But as time goes by, slowly that though diminishes, drip by drip.

[BriNyc82]

You'r so right. The answer to that question is insignificant. But it always still bugs me because when I hear ppl on this forum say how you handle the breakup can effect the Dumpers decision when things settle down, I wonder if I was more cool, calm and collected like how I normally am, would she have a different impression of me.

 

It's def hard, because ur heart is literally being ripped away when the person u love is dumping u. And yes, part of the reason why I was so utterly hurt was because she was so sure, so cold, so calculated, so unwilling when we met face to face. I would've loved to handle the situation differently. I was in such a weak emotional place and in such disbelief that I couldnt even make sense. I would've imagined her crying and sobbing and being hard for her to put the words together, but she was like literally a different person. And my only natural reaction was to fight and let her see my point of view that it didn't have to end this way.

 

Even if you were to "act" cool, calm and collected, deep down you aren't. Neither am I. I always tell myself to be that way but we are emotional people. Embrace it. Lets say you were cool calm and collected and it made her second guess her decision and she came back to you. Whatever it was that led her to the breakup would eventually come back over time. Would you really be able to hide who you really are with someone that you love?

 

It sucks when they have their mind made up and there's nothing you could have done before hand because it's like you were not included in this dirty little secret that they had. Jokes on you right? When they are so cold like that it almost eggs me on to get some sort of a reaction.

 

I will tell you what I keep telling myself everytime I ponder this same question (mostly for pride reasons, not for wanting him back). It was OVER before I lost my *****. His mind was made up BEFORE i flipped my lid. It didn't matter how I handled the breakup. It was over. And unfortunately it was for you too. I'm sorry. I don't know if you are still in the denial phase about possibly getting back together or not.......

[BriNyc82]

I also think another weird thing is, after the whole grieving process happens where you cry for the first few days or week(s), you then accept it but accept with a condition that this is just for now. That, surely, she/he will contact me once the dust settles and she/he realized the loss.

 

But as time goes by, slowly that though diminishes, drip by drip.

 

 

You must learn to accept this without conditions. Once you fully do your healing with improve tenfold. If it's any consolation I wish a guy would fight for me like you did.

[Gretzky99]

Even if you were to "act" cool, calm and collected, deep down you aren't. Neither am I. I always tell myself to be that way but we are emotional people. Embrace it. Lets say you were cool calm and collected and it made her second guess her decision and she came back to you. Whatever it was that led her to the breakup would eventually come back over time. Would you really be able to hide who you really are with someone that you love?

 

It sucks when they have their mind made up and there's nothing you could have done before hand because it's like you were not included in this dirty little secret that they had. Jokes on you right? When they are so cold like that it almost eggs me on to get some sort of a reaction.

 

I will tell you what I keep telling myself everytime I ponder this same question (mostly for pride reasons, not for wanting him back). It was OVER before I lost my *****. His mind was made up BEFORE i flipped my lid. It didn't matter how I handled the breakup. It was over. And unfortunately it was for you too. I'm sorry. I don't know if you are still in the denial phase about possibly getting back together or not.......

 

Thank you BRINYC82. I really needed to hear that. No, I'm not. I was for awhile, but I've accepted it. That still doesn't mean I don't think about her, but it's less and less with the passing of every single day.

 

I think you're so on the money on this. You would think that someone who loved you so much, would've made the effort to bring the problem they were experiencing to u, to make the relationship work, but it's the "big dirty little secret" they've kept under wraps. My ex who was so big on communicating all the time and yet, she never once brought it up to me before the breakup

 

I asked my ex how long has she though about this, and she said close to a month. I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. The thing that sucks too, is like u said, they;ve dettached from you awhile ago, they've prob grieved too. They've processed what to say, how to say it, what words to use, what rebuttals to use, what they think you're going to say etc. etc...when they bring the break up to you. And us, on the other hand, we have our heart being ripped from us that very moment. We're in such a state of weakness from shock and denial of WTF is going on here, that we don't come off coherent. The dumper always has the advantage because they've carefully plotted this for a long time and we're literally being bombed.

[BriNyc82]

Yeah, I used to replay everything in my head and wonder was he happy then? was he faking it? I've stopped doing that though.

 

I think they are so fearful to break it off that they just want to rip it off like a band aid and have us say nothing which makes it easier for them. Maybe they really thought they could work it out in their head and make sense of things before saying anything and stirring the pot. That is what my ex said when I asked him why he didn't just tell me when he was having doubts. I guess if they showed any sort of second guessing themselves they would be leading us on.

 

I'm sorry you were blindsided. You're 3 months out too, and it DOES get better. I am finally starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait until the day that the light is shining on my entire body and I can be free from all of this!

[Liono84]

Hey man, we've all been there. I was rather emotional, too, when my ex broke up with me. To answer your question, I think as poorly as we may have handled the breakup by doing all the things we shouldn't have, such as; Begging, pleading, denying and maybe even crying, in the end it doesn't matter as long as you go NC from that moment forward.

 

It's far worse if you handle yourself in a calm, composed manner the day of the breakup, but remain 'Friends' and keep in contact with your ex. That to me, is lowering yourself and lowering yourself in your ex's eyes.

[Gus Grimly]

Ah, you gotta forget about it. When you're in the throes of love and it suddenly ends without warning, you panic and become irrational. It's a natural human reaction. It's just dust in your eye, blink it away man.

 

Does your reaction play a part in how the dumper reacts? I think so. In my own experience it did. I planned to break up with this girl for weeks, when I broke up with her she responded like this; "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll just get my things.", she proceeded to gather her belongings and left without saying a word. I was shocked as this was not how it played out in my head. Her stoic reaction to the breakup angered me to no end. Two weeks later I tried to get back with her to no avail. Never heard from her again. Mission accomplished, ego bruised.

[Gretzky99]

Ah, you gotta forget about it. When you're in the throes of love and it suddenly ends without warning, you panic and become irrational. It's a natural human reaction. It's just dust in your eye, blink it away man.

 

Does your reaction play a part in how the dumper reacts? I think so. In my own experience it did. I planned to break up with this girl for weeks, when I broke up with her she responded like this; "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll just get my things.", she proceeded to gather her belongings and left without saying a word. I was shocked as this was not how it played out in my head. Her stoic reaction to the breakup angered me to no end. Two weeks later I tried to get back with her to no avail. Never heard from her again. Mission accomplished, ego bruised.

 

Very interesting. So, let's say, if she begged and tried to change your mind that given day, yet you didn't hear from her from that point forward unless YOU tried to contact her, would you possibly have felt the same way in trying to reconcile?

 

I know, I know, in the end it doesn't matter. I did mean everything I said. I poured my guts and tears on that day. I guess, I'm just trying to understand the pyschology behind it all. I've fully gone NC since that day, and will do so, but it sort of bothers me when I read ppl on this board say your ex loses all respect for you if you wen't out begging/pleading/ and getting emotional. Or that you lost your dignity in their eyes. Isn't staying in contact worse, though?

Edited September 3, 2015 by Gretzky99

[Gus Grimly]

Very interesting. So, let's say, if she begged and tried to change your mind that given day, yet you didn't hear from her from that point forward unless YOU tried to contact her, would you possibly have felt the same way in trying to reconcile?

Great question. If she did make a tearful plea right there, I would have felt horrible, but would have stuck to my guns. But yeah, if it was NC from that point on and my calls kept going to voice mail, I'm sure I would have felt the same.

 

I know, I know, in the end it doesn't matter. I did mean everything I said.

Good for you man. Good for you. I was the same way. If you want to know my reaction check 'this post out' and my 'follow up' that echos what you said.

 

In the end, you're right, it doesn't matter. But at least years from now you can feel good knowing you just didn't let it die on a vine. You fought for something you believed in. Yes, your Ex does get an ego boost from it, but who cares? You said what needed to be said, not just for her but for you. If you didn't try, you might have always regretted not doing it.

 

These things can't be taught to us. It's something that can only be learned through practical life experience. Next time, you'll react differently, you'll have gained the tools necessary to deal with it in a much calmer and sophisticated manner.

[drseuss]

when i was a teenager i was with this beautful girl we broke up and she begged and cryed like i couldnt belive and i went on for like a year and each time it made me want her less and less !! and by the end i wanted nothing to do with her , i thought she was a phyco

 

a couple years went by and i tried to get hold of her and she just totaly sacked me off .......

 

 

my most recet ex i broke up with once pretty early on and i shed a little tear as we walked back to our cars and she was back a week later ,fast foward 6 more months we broke up again , that was 5 weeks ago i was total cool and told her to just do what makes her happy and who know what might happen in the future .... been in nc since

 

i think extreme emotion isnt good when your brekaing up but i think it all depends on the individuals involved and this situation , its not a one size fits all

 

im sure my ex came back to me the first time through guilt because she rang me that night we broke up to see if was ok , so us getting back together was a waste of time and it only happened because she saw how upset i was and felt terrible , the enevitable end came a few months later ...

[MINDSHIFT]

I agree it ate me up for ages on how I left the breakup. I went crazy I stalked, threats to her and the ex and begged. First breakup I ever had, really wish I would have said "ok and kept moving". I think if I was calm she would of felt more guilty and possibly reached out to me by now. I mean why beg someone thats leaving me to be with an ex. Understandable your situation different. I believe how I acted after the breakup probably reinforced her decision.

[BriNyc82]

I agree with Lion's last point. I guess there is a fine line between being articulate and also conveying some sort of emotion. I mean, who just calmly accepts a breakup like ok, goodbye see ya. Just because your ex starts off the convo by being stoic and cold doesn't meant you have to follow suit.

 

I bet in some sort of way it felt good though right? Lay it all out there, if she still doesn't want you then you can accept it. But you got everything off your chest. If you didn't, you might be on this forum asking us for advice if you should contact her b/c you didn't get to say what you wanted.

[MINDSHIFT]

But you got everything off your chest. If you didn't, you might be on this forum asking us for advice if you should contact her b/c you didn't get to say what you wanted.

 

 

Very Very True.

[bcnguy]

Hey man, we've all been there. I was rather emotional, too, when my ex broke up with me. To answer your question, I think as poorly as we may have handled the breakup by doing all the things we shouldn't have, such as; Begging, pleading, denying and maybe even crying, in the end it doesn't matter as long as you go NC from that moment forward.

 

It's far worse if you handle yourself in a calm, composed manner the day of the breakup, but remain 'Friends' and keep in contact with your ex. That to me, is lowering yourself and lowering yourself in your ex's eyes.

You think so? Maybe I'm in the minority here...but am I really?

 

To me it's hard to imagine thinking any different about the person I break up with, in spite of her reaction to it. I would never judge or think any different of her...heck, even if she does something desperate (I was stalked pretty bad once). She's the same person I loved few weeks or months ago and I'll always hold good/fond memories...So only if she actually does something to hurt others, I would reconsider (and still very carefully).

 

In my mind when I break up I find only natural that she's hurting. So she deserves understanding to mourn her way. My concern is then, to read my and her needs correctly, so to be as helpful as possible...in my experience one person may need rant/talk/answers, another simply needs never see you again (ouch), but there is also that one who just needs space cos she's truly capable to get over it and then remain -close- friends with you.

 

Am I weird?

[sandylee1]

When I broke up with a BF many years ago , he begged and pleaded for us to stay together. I didn't think any less of him at all , I just saw it as him loving me so much.

 

The feeling on my side wasn't the same, but I remember thinking at the time, I really hope I meet someone else who loves me as much and that I feel the same for.

 

That's just me though.

[BriNyc82]

In the flip side, it doesn't matter how good he treated me when we were together. Or how kind he was. All that's engraved in my head was how he ended it. That cold person. That's who he is to me now. So maybe it does go both ways. So who knows!

[sandylee1]

In the flip side, it doesn't matter how good he treated me when we were together. Or how kind he was. All that's engraved in my head was how he ended it. That cold person. That's who he is to me now. So maybe it does go both ways. So who knows!

 

I agree. I've never dumped anyone in a nasty way, apart from one guy who had a GF he didn't tell me about.

 

I just don't see the need to be that horrible, just because you want to break up with them. After all they are a human being. They are someone's son /daughter /brother /sister.

 

I always think that could me my child getting treated like that one day.

 

It's inexcusable.

[MINDSHIFT]

In the flip side, it doesn't matter how good he treated me when we were together. Or how kind he was. All that's engraved in my head was how he ended it. That cold person. That's who he is to me now. So maybe it does go both ways. So who knows!

 

 

I agree the things that helping me through my breakup now is actually how she done it. I dont know who that girl is anymore I consider her to be a cold heartless evil sneaky bitch. How she done the breakup completely erases all the good memories of her. I cant even say I wish her the best.

 

She done it through text and a phone call which through the most time it sounded like she wanted to hang up, and didnt allow me to see her by threating to call the police on me which she eventually did. Within 24 hours she was with her ex. I forever will remember that gut wrenching feeling. I sit here now and think how could I of cared for or wanted to be with someone who would throw me away like that, like Im nothing.

[frigginlost]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

Many moons ago when I was dumped by a girlfriend I did the beg and plead bit. Of course it made no difference. I ran into her a year later and I had to ask her straight up if it added to our demise as it weighed on me for that entire year. Her answer was "of course not. I just wanted out and expected any type of reaction you were going to have". I felt a lot better hearing that.

 

I had one ex dump me via text. My reaction was a text back "cool. F*ck off. Your stuff will be on my porch on Saturday".

 

She had absolutely no idea how to handle that reaction, and from what I hear it still screws with her. :-)

[MINDSHIFT]

I had one ex dump me via text. My reaction was a text back "cool. F*ck off. Your stuff will be on my porch on Saturday".

 

looool. Wish that was my response. But you live and learn next time if i were to be dumped I will leave with dignity.

[Liono84]

I agree with Lion's last point. I guess there is a fine line between being articulate and also conveying some sort of emotion. I mean, who just calmly accepts a breakup like ok, goodbye see ya. Just because your ex starts off the convo by being stoic and cold doesn't meant you have to follow suit.

 

I bet in some sort of way it felt good though right? Lay it all out there, if she still doesn't want you then you can accept it. But you got everything off your chest. If you didn't, you might be on this forum asking us for advice if you should contact her b/c you didn't get to say what you wanted.

 

So soo true!!! ^^^

After the grieving stage ended, I started hating myself for acting so emotional and irrational about the breakup event. I started replaying the event day after day in my head. I did a lot of stuff that the OP did too. (Beg, plead and then follow-up with texts that same day). But looking back now, like BriNYC82 said, it's better to know you put everything out there rather than holding back and playing it cool. If you held back, there is a good chance you may have regret not letting them know exactly how u felt and regretted it.

 

And yes, when time goes by, you slowly start remembering your ex for who they were when they broke up with you. The real person. I no longer hold the memory of who she once was and the great times together. It's now more of how cold she was to me the last 2 weeks, how she was a complete bitch by lying to me, how she changed so quickly.

 

Whereas, I think from a Dumpers perspective, there is a decent possibility where that might flip as several months pass. Not a guarantee, though. As time goes by, they may start remembering you for who you were when times were great, rather than the last image of you begging and pleading.

 

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. It's in the past, so move on.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Liono84

[drseuss]

I'm not so sure , I think being overly emotional shows your not in control , it's very clear how you feel for the fact you don't want to break up with them and you want to stay with them , I think if anyone that has cried and begged could turn back the clock and do the break up again ( which would suck ) they would skip the begging and pleading , but the posative to take is if you have to go through it again you will be more in control

 

I know it's easy to say now but at the time it can all be so overwhelming