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Taking too long to move on after first love breakup?


NeverHurtSoMuch

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NeverHurtSoMuch

Hey guys, i've been posting a lot on here recently, but for some reason I have been having a really rough, emotional couple of days. Many of you know my story by now. I was dumped by my first love 9 weeks ago after we dated for 15 months. We did all the classic first love things, giving each other gifts and planning for the future, committing to each other for college, everything. But, around a month before the breakup, she told me she didn't feel the same way about me anymore, and she soon became distant and essentially emotionally abusive, refusing to see me and refusing to talk to me and then all of a sudden crying and wanting to make things work. Honestly, it was brutal for me. We took a break, she came back by herself, we broke up, she came back by herself and then we broke up for the final time. Immediately following the final breakup, I was needy and did not stop messaging her, so she blocked me on facebook and my phone number. She started showing that she was relieved our relationship was over, and that she wasn't sad. When we broke up, she told me that she wasn't sad and that if she ever was, I would never know. I saw her at a few parties over the summer, but we pointedly ignored each other. She took vacations with friends and met guys that she said she wanted to hook up with, had opportunities to hook up with, but for some reason did not hook up with any of them.

 

I had a really tough summer, as I was finding it incredibly difficult to move on. However, after a few weeks I really started feeling better, or so I thought. I stil thought about her everyday, but not constantly and I didn't get those chilling pangs of sadness about it like I did in the weeks immediately following the breakup. I guess I just kind of numbed myself to it and convinced myself that I was moving on. She and I still were friends on snapchat, and I snapchatted her once and got no response. But, I still watched her stories, and she watched mine.

 

I took a long vacation, and when I got back, it was just about the time when all of my high school friends were moving into college for our freshman years. At this point I thought I was over her, so I sent her a message over snapchat, the only thing she hadn't yet blocked me on asking if she would want to either meet and talk or simply text, just to try and clear the air and reduce the awkwardness between us, as we go to college very close together and may see each other at parties here. She responded with "Please stop messaging me. I have moved on, and I hope that you have/will soon too" to which I responded with "I have moved on too, however I was hoping that after a while you would want to be friends, or at least be friendly. Thank you for responding, it was very gracious of you to do that. Good luck at school =)" She wished me good luck in return. Two days after this conversation, she blocked me on snapchat too.

 

Now, I have been in college for 3 days, and those three days have been extremely emotionally draining. For some reason, I cannot stop thinking about her, and about how amazing our relationship was. I always think about how she must be getting with other guys and loving it, and how she doesn't care for me anymore. And it hurts really, really badly. I've been talking to a few girls, but I just don't have any desire to try and hook up with them because clearly I still have feelings for my ex. And, I lack confidence that they would want to hook up with me. On the outside, I don't show that I am sad at all, but I really am. I see my new friends texting their high school girlfriends all day long, and even seeing some in the area, and it just makes me even more sad that the girl that I loved so much chose not to be with me anymore, and doesn't regret that decision at all. It makes me so sad to know that she must be getting with other guys and loving it, while I'm sitting here moping over her. I feel inadequate, and as if no other girl would want to be with me, and I'm genuinely scared I won't feel for someone else the same way I feel for my ex. It has been over 2 months since the breakup, and I know that she was my first love, but shouldn't I be over her already? I'm supposed to be living it up at college, but I just can't stop thinking about this girl. I guess I just need some words of advice from those more experienced than I. I'm really, really struggling emotionally right now, even if visibly it doesn't show at all.

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As hard as it feels right now there will come at time where these feelings will pass. You briefly felt it getting easier but then you contacted her because you thought you were more in control over your feelings, instead it set you back. The trick is once you start to feel better about the breakup do not contact your ex. Many of us make the same mistake, but it is how we learn.

 

Right now you need to try and get your head right so you can make the most of college experience. Your priority should be doing things that make you happy and distract you from thoughts of your ex. It is really important to not let thoughts of her cloud your mind. I know that is easier said than done. I know it isn’t easy but focusing on setting goals and improving yourself will really help your confidence and the way you are feeling right now.

 

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you will get through this.

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NeverHurtSoMuch

Thanks guys for your advice. I guess there isn't much that anyone can say to really help me other than that it will take time. Something else happened today. There is a party at my Ex's college this weekend, and all of my friends want to go there, and are going. But, my ex will undoubtedly be there, as it is her school. So I'm confused as to whether or not I should go. If I see her there with another guy, it will be a literal shot in the heart. If I go there and we see each other and ignore each other, it will also hurt. But, at the same time, I can't let her control my social life. One of my best friends from high school goes to the same college as me and knows the entire situation, and he will be there as well. What do you guys think I should do?

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It's inevitable that you're going to run into her at some point. But get your head right and only go if you can control your emotions. If you can go and pretend that she doesn't have any impact on you whatsoever. You can cry and get it all out when you get home, but you must be able to go and hold it together.

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You just started college. This is one of the best & most exciting times in your life.

 

She is your past. She is high school. I'm not trying to trivialize things. I am trying to get you to wake up to the fact that you are holding yourself back.

 

 

Find a way to shut the door on your past in your own head. Then throw yourself into your college experience. There is a whole new school of co-eds just waiting for you. Go get 'em tiger!

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Hey guys, i've been posting a lot on here recently, but for some reason I have been having a really rough, emotional couple of days. Many of you know my story by now. I was dumped by my first love 9 weeks ago after we dated for 15 months. We did all the classic first love things, giving each other gifts and planning for the future, committing to each other for college, everything. But, around a month before the breakup, she told me she didn't feel the same way about me anymore, and she soon became distant and essentially emotionally abusive, refusing to see me and refusing to talk to me and then all of a sudden crying and wanting to make things work. Honestly, it was brutal for me. We took a break, she came back by herself, we broke up, she came back by herself and then we broke up for the final time. Immediately following the final breakup, I was needy and did not stop messaging her, so she blocked me on facebook and my phone number. She started showing that she was relieved our relationship was over, and that she wasn't sad. When we broke up, she told me that she wasn't sad and that if she ever was, I would never know. I saw her at a few parties over the summer, but we pointedly ignored each other. She took vacations with friends and met guys that she said she wanted to hook up with, had opportunities to hook up with, but for some reason did not hook up with any of them.

 

I had a really tough summer, as I was finding it incredibly difficult to move on. However, after a few weeks I really started feeling better, or so I thought. I stil thought about her everyday, but not constantly and I didn't get those chilling pangs of sadness about it like I did in the weeks immediately following the breakup. I guess I just kind of numbed myself to it and convinced myself that I was moving on. She and I still were friends on snapchat, and I snapchatted her once and got no response. But, I still watched her stories, and she watched mine.

 

I took a long vacation, and when I got back, it was just about the time when all of my high school friends were moving into college for our freshman years. At this point I thought I was over her, so I sent her a message over snapchat, the only thing she hadn't yet blocked me on asking if she would want to either meet and talk or simply text, just to try and clear the air and reduce the awkwardness between us, as we go to college very close together and may see each other at parties here. She responded with "Please stop messaging me. I have moved on, and I hope that you have/will soon too" to which I responded with "I have moved on too, however I was hoping that after a while you would want to be friends, or at least be friendly. Thank you for responding, it was very gracious of you to do that. Good luck at school =)" She wished me good luck in return. Two days after this conversation, she blocked me on snapchat too.

 

Now, I have been in college for 3 days, and those three days have been extremely emotionally draining. For some reason, I cannot stop thinking about her, and about how amazing our relationship was. I always think about how she must be getting with other guys and loving it, and how she doesn't care for me anymore. And it hurts really, really badly. I've been talking to a few girls, but I just don't have any desire to try and hook up with them because clearly I still have feelings for my ex. And, I lack confidence that they would want to hook up with me. On the outside, I don't show that I am sad at all, but I really am. I see my new friends texting their high school girlfriends all day long, and even seeing some in the area, and it just makes me even more sad that the girl that I loved so much chose not to be with me anymore, and doesn't regret that decision at all. It makes me so sad to know that she must be getting with other guys and loving it, while I'm sitting here moping over her. I feel inadequate, and as if no other girl would want to be with me, and I'm genuinely scared I won't feel for someone else the same way I feel for my ex. It has been over 2 months since the breakup, and I know that she was my first love, but shouldn't I be over her already? I'm supposed to be living it up at college, but I just can't stop thinking about this girl. I guess I just need some words of advice from those more experienced than I. I'm really, really struggling emotionally right now, even if visibly it doesn't show at all.

You have entered college, and you are still thinking about that selfish bitch who left you with that pain? listen listen... I don't want you to take steps on my footsteps, the first time I fell in love with a lady, took me 2 years to forget her, 2 years for a year old unhealthy relationship is a long time, mostly it was my mistake, back then I did not know anything about going NC blah blah, so I kept texting her for almost 1 year after break up... I was a stubborn ass... and after a 1 year I started reviewing all those memories we had for another fu**ing year until, one day I woke up and decided to toss her and all her fu**ing memories down in the restroom, like some pieces of stinking ****...only then I found out, I had wasted two important years of my life, thinking about someone who did not even care if I was alive or not... the next week I met a girl, again fell in love, loved this one more than the last one, I have had some about 14 girlfriends, I fell in love with some of them, things did not work and we broke up, and it is funny I am this stupid that after my most recent break up I think I won't fall for anyone anymore... deep down I know it is wrong! but I think it is human's nature....But for YOU! YOU have entered college, open your eyes wide, there are a lot of hot gals out there at college, that you won't even remember that bitch anymore!!! Oh You made me remember when I was at college!!!! Hey toss her and all her memories once and forever...and spit on them both

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If I see her there with another guy, it will be a literal shot in the heart.

 

wtf are you saying? you are going to get into a gun fight?

 

I swear all these posts I am reading all sound the same. And they are things I felt too when I first got dumped. I am not bashing you or anyone else. Just pointing out that I am starting to see this emotional reaction to rejection as some psychological disorder, or just a mistake that many of us make.

 

The huge reason you are probably feeling so crappy is because you weren't ready for the connection to be cut, but she was. If you were ready, you would be ok with it. So be ready. Be ready to accept that everyone has their own path to walk. Sometimes it will be with you, sometimes it will be someone else, but not all life-connections are meant to last forever. There is one out there, though, and when you find THAT one, then you will know true love.

 

Case in point, I fell deeply in love with someone even though she was to put it loosely a basket case. And I don't mean to say that in spite of her (I still love her dearly, but I refuse to torture myself over it, and instead choose to further improve myself because of it) as much to say that I do not believe she was being the best person that she could possibly be! She was not being the best person that I believe she wished to be. Sometimes people leave relationships because they are being abused, and that is a good reason to leave. Other times people leave relationships because they are very afraid to love... because they struggle with loving themselves. And that is only one reason! Regardless, the point is people need to take care of themselves so that they can reach their personal goals of self-discovery and self-fulfillment. Express that you will miss them, but let..them..go. You are being too needy. That is your problem, imo. You can't get happiness and fulfillment from anyone on the outside. That needs to come from you.

 

If you fell apart when she left, odds might be that you were never a complete person (something was lacking inside from you) and this person made you feel whole by giving you what you lacked ("you complete me!" <333333333333333333333333333333333333 ad infinitum). So when she left, that part that you lacked also left, and now you feel like crap, you miss her, you want her back, etc. If you look at it in this logical way, then can you not see what the problem is with you? Complete yourself! Do not depend on an other to feel complete. That is not love. It is emotional compensation and also dependency.

 

When you find one you can be with forever, this person will not make you feel so emotionally negative. BUT... you must also be a better person, yourself. You need to be strong enough for that person. Strong enough and LOVING enough to understand that everyone must walk their own path to their highest actualization of self, and that they are ok without each other but join together to help each other reach higher goals of perfection, NOT to trade with each other things that they are lacking. If you fall apart when someone leaves you, as romantic as that may sound, it can be a serious personal issue that you should take care of if you wish to truly be happy with another person.

 

Take care of yourself. Look for a new experience and change and grow. But you have to walk with actual positivity and actual self-love, otherwise petty emotions will repeat.

 

 

That is my perspective, anyway.

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wtf are you saying? You are going to get into a gun fight?

 

I swear all these posts i am reading all sound the same. And they are things i felt too when i first got dumped. I am not bashing you or anyone else. Just pointing out that i am starting to see this emotional reaction to rejection as some psychological disorder, or just a mistake that many of us make.

 

The huge reason you are probably feeling so crappy is because you weren't ready for the connection to be cut, but she was. If you were ready, you would be ok with it. So be ready. Be ready to accept that everyone has their own path to walk. Sometimes it will be with you, sometimes it will be someone else, but not all life-connections are meant to last forever. There is one out there, though, and when you find that one, then you will know true love.

 

Case in point, i fell deeply in love with someone even though she was to put it loosely a basket case. And i don't mean to say that in spite of her (i still love her dearly, but i refuse to torture myself over it, and instead choose to further improve myself because of it) as much to say that i do not believe she was being the best person that she could possibly be! She was not being the best person that i believe she wished to be. Sometimes people leave relationships because they are being abused, and that is a good reason to leave. Other times people leave relationships because they are very afraid to love... Because they struggle with loving themselves. And that is only one reason! Regardless, the point is people need to take care of themselves so that they can reach their personal goals of self-discovery and self-fulfillment. Express that you will miss them, but let..them..go. You are being too needy. That is your problem, imo. You can't get happiness and fulfillment from anyone on the outside. That needs to come from you.

 

If you fell apart when she left, odds might be that you were never a complete person (something was lacking inside from you) and this person made you feel whole by giving you what you lacked ("you complete me!" <333333333333333333333333333333333333 ad infinitum). So when she left, that part that you lacked also left, and now you feel like crap, you miss her, you want her back, etc. If you look at it in this logical way, then can you not see what the problem is with you? Complete yourself! Do not depend on an other to feel complete. That is not love. It is emotional compensation and also dependency.

 

When you find one you can be with forever, this person will not make you feel so emotionally negative. But... You must also be a better person, yourself. You need to be strong enough for that person. Strong enough and loving enough to understand that everyone must walk their own path to their highest actualization of self, and that they are ok without each other but join together to help each other reach higher goals of perfection, not to trade with each other things that they are lacking. If you fall apart when someone leaves you, as romantic as that may sound, it can be a serious personal issue that you should take care of if you wish to truly be happy with another person.

 

Take care of yourself. Look for a new experience and change and grow. But you have to walk with actual positivity and actual self-love, otherwise petty emotions will repeat.

 

 

That is my perspective, anyway.

wowwww! So true!!!

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Thanks guys for your advice. I guess there isn't much that anyone can say to really help me other than that it will take time. Something else happened today. There is a party at my Ex's college this weekend, and all of my friends want to go there, and are going. But, my ex will undoubtedly be there, as it is her school. So I'm confused as to whether or not I should go. If I see her there with another guy, it will be a literal shot in the heart. If I go there and we see each other and ignore each other, it will also hurt. But, at the same time, I can't let her control my social life. One of my best friends from high school goes to the same college as me and knows the entire situation, and he will be there as well. What do you guys think I should do?

 

 

Do anything other than go there.

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I am going through a break up in college as well my man. It is not easy seeing her and what not. She has made it clear that she doesnt want you in her life so you need to accept that and move on. Meet new people and try to avoid her the best you can. You dont want to see something that will set you back. Luckily my breakup happened several months ago so I had the summer to improve without seeing her. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!

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Its gonna be hard, but believe me you don't want to take her back (if she does ever come back). This was the mistake I made with my ex. We broke up when i started college and within a few months she came back to me, we had only been dating about 6 months before that but then after we got back together it became a 5 year relationship and she broke up with me again about 9 months ago. Its hard to get over your first love but its better to get over a short term relationship than a long term one. Plus if she did it once, she'll do it again.

 

I still get all the bs that she still loves me etc etc but she can't be with me because of her reasons and she is with another guy now. You don't know how much that kills. But do not waste your opportunities my man. I wish I could go back to when i was entering college and I would have never gotten back together with her. But it is what it is. All i know is there were alot of opportunities in college that i let pass by cuz i was in a relationship and will not get back now but do not make the same mistakes I did.

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NeverHurtSoMuch

I think I'm going to go to the party tonight guys. I probably won't see her as there will be literally thousands of people there. I know it will be tough not to try and look for her, but I will just stay with friends. You guys are right, I need to just let go and realize that she doesn't care at all about me anymore, and I shouldn't either. And if I do see her with another guy, it will hurt a lot, but I know I will be able to keep my emotions in check at the party and until I get home. It's a really terrible situation all around for me, and I guess one that I just have to push through until it gets better with time.

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heartbroken1357

I feel you, I really do,what I can't promise is how soon it will take you to feel better or indifferent, feelings are a very strange thing, I split up with my first love 3 years ago, I think about her frequently and she will always have a place in my heart, i still miss her to this day, but she is a horrible woman and I would never contemplate getting back with her, I've just split from another relationship last month, it wasn't long term and it hurt for a couple of weeks but I'm moving on despite the fact i was deeply into this girl and the relationship was so much better then my first loves.

 

I guess it's a combination of, time spent with that person and how your feelings developed for them, you will feel for someone again, and you will find someone better, it may take months or years in my case, but when you do you'll sit back and wonder why you even cared.

 

don't get me wrong I still get waves and flashbacks, but you become stronger everyday, hold in there, it does get better.

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I think I'm going to go to the party tonight guys. I probably won't see her as there will be literally thousands of people there. I know it will be tough not to try and look for her, but I will just stay with friends. You guys are right, I need to just let go and realize that she doesn't care at all about me anymore, and I shouldn't either. And if I do see her with another guy, it will hurt a lot, but I know I will be able to keep my emotions in check at the party and until I get home. It's a really terrible situation all around for me, and I guess one that I just have to push through until it gets better with time.

 

Bad plan. Especially if alcohol is involved, you aren't going to be able to keep your emotions in check if you see her with another guy.

 

 

I hope you have a good time but this has disaster written all over it.

 

 

Maybe it's what you need to get closure & move on but I think you would be much better off going to a party at your own school. Even in the best case scenario if you meet a girl at this party, you don't need an LDR.

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NeverHurtSoMuch

Hey guys, I just wanted to update you on what happened last night.

So, I did not end up going to the party at my ex's school. Instead, I went to meet one of my high school friends at a different school in the area, and he took me out instead. He told me that my ex had invited him to this big party at her school, but he picked to take me out instead.

I had fun with this friend for the night, but as I was coming home, I could not help but have a gut wrenching sadness with the knowledge that my ex was probably getting with a bunch of other dudes at a party and enjoying it. I barely slept last night and when I woke up, there were tears in my eyes and a huge, painful lump in my chest. As much as I don't want to care, and as much as I try to convince myself I don't, and even though I literally cannot have any interaction with her as she has blocked me on everything, I love this girl still, and just as much as I did. And it sucks. I know you guys say it just takes time and that I will eventually get over it, but it has been 2 months and it seems as though I am almost still at square one. I wish I could just stop caring and stop thinking about her, but I can't. In the back of my mind, I always feel at least a little sad, no matter what I'm doing. I feel like I am broken.

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sigh... I wish I could reach into your spirit and heal you heart. I wish that for all of us out there who are hurting. But I think we're the only ones who can really do it for ourselves. It will happen. Everyone heals differently.

 

I'll tell you this, though:

 

I was dumped by my first love...

 

Remember that word, "first." Because later, there will be... wait for it....

 

 

A SECOND love. lmao...

 

And probably...

 

A third! Buddy, as great as you thought this love was, I promise you... it gets even better. Much, much better...

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You seem to be an amazing person and beginning a new journey in your

 

Breakups are not easy. I remember when my heart was so broken from a break up of 2 years. I thought it was the end of the world. My mind stayed on wondering what my ex was doing, etc. What helped me was being honest with my feelings and I had one friend that I could call on every time I struggled. It seems like you have a friend that will do the same.

 

Can I tell you what you don't want to hear? "It will become easier" :) I know everyone has told you that it takes time and they are all telling you the truth.

 

I am glad that you made the decision not to attend the party. You have to give yourself time to heal from the pain. Continue to go the other direction, go places where you can really enjoy yourself and have fun.

 

Get ready for the journey that's ahead for you. Focus on your purpose and the big dreams that you have. When that right person comes into your life, they are going to be thankful for a person like you.

 

You are going to be fine. One day you are going to find yourself helping someone else during their breakup. Just as I am responding you. It's the experience in life, good or bad that you are able to help another person.

 

Continue to be the great person that you are!

 

Blessings,

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I'm glad that you didn't go to the party at her school. You are fortunate that you have good friends like your buddy who took you out at a low point in your life. That alone is a huge blessing.

 

As for your EX, you feel broken because you have a broken heart. Like anything else you will heal but it takes time. If you broke your arm, 2 months later you would be on the mend (& you are) but you might not be fully healed.

 

Stop picking at your wound. Make a conscious decision to move forward. Remind yourself that there are other girls out there & you will eventually find one who is a better match to you. Let her go.

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9 weeks is no time at all. It's been 6 months for me and every now and then I feel pangs of pain. And anyone who has read my posts about my ex will know how much of a j**k he was and he's definitely not worth a second of that, but we can't help it.

 

Just give yourself time. It's ok to hurt. Just learn to face the emotions head on and do small things that make you happy.

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Just give yourself time. It's ok to hurt. Just learn to face the emotions head on and do small things that make you happy.
This is so well-said and true. Every day is different. Ride the wave and don't resist feelings! But be sure not to drown in them, either.
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