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Did I screw my chances up??


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Hello Lovehack,

 

I am a new member here. My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for about a year. 6 months in the same city and 6 months in a LDR as she moved across state to enter law school. She broke up with me when she came down to visit family. Her reason was being 5 hours apart and not being able to see each other was too much for her. The past 6 months we saw each other about once a month. She also said she didn't know where she would be location-wise after she finished law school and there was too many unkowns for her to be invested in this relationship.

 

I never expected this. If I had known she was feeling this way, I wouldve driven to visit her every few weeks. I pleaded with her not to breakup and that we'd work it out. I told her I would be willing to drive up every 2 weeks and it wouldn't be so bad. But she was pretty adamant that she couldn't be as invested in the relationship like before cuz of the distance, and the studies. She swore to me she hasn't found a new guy and that she still has strong feelings for me in that way and it hasn't wavered. She said it's only cuz of the distance and nthing else. I had no choice but to eventually give in, we kissed and said goodbye.

 

After the initial shock wore off, the next day I went through complete DENIAL MODE 101 and screwed myself up...I called her, she didn't pick up. Then i texted her a long ass text pleading to her, to please try and work this thing out. I told her I loved her and that this wasn't as bad as she made it out to seem. She responded by saying the same things.

 

And then, that's when I texted her to promise me if she ever had doubts about her decision to please contact me. She responded by saying if that happened, she would. I told this to a few of my friends and they all told me that because i did this, i ruined any chances of her getting back w/ me because she's now, always going to think I'm going to sit here and wait for her. I feel like that last text just made me look like a doormat and certified her decision and she now thinks I will always be a backup. I've been reading a lot on these forums that you should never imply to the person that dumps you, that you are willing to wait for them, and I'm scared that I just contributed to that. I feel like such an idiot!!!!!!!!

 

It's been 2 weeks and I havent texted/called her back. I've gone complete NC. I deleted her phone number, and all social media with her. I have no problems with the whole NC thing, but I wanted to know, does NC even bring back my dignity, when I just told the Dumper a stupid thing like that!??? I am debating emailing her and telling her that I did not mean what I said and I will be moving on but don't know if that's a good idea, since technically it's breaking the NC thing.

 

Please guys, any input is much appreciated. I'm really going through a difficult time right now.

Edited by Soprano15
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La.Primavera

I don't think you should feel bad about what you said. You were honest and told her how you truly feel which isn't a bad thing at all.

 

Just because you said you would be there if she changes her mind doesn't mean you are going to wait around forever, so don't feel like a doormat because you're not! She know there is no guarantee you will feel the same way in a month. The offer is really a short term offer if she has a change of heart.

 

It would serve no purpose emailing her to retract your offer. It will only make you feel more desperate for her attention. If she doesn't respond to your email you will feel even worse. It isn't worth it, trust me.

 

If someone cares about you they will make the effort.

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It's been 2 weeks and I havent texted/called her back. I've gone complete NC. I deleted her phone number, and all social media with her. I have no problems with the whole NC thing, but I wanted to know, does NC even bring back my dignity, when I just told the Dumper a stupid thing like that!???

 

Most everyone will disagree with this, but it as worked for me before.

 

Wait two more weeks, (total one month) then send her a letter. In it say that after spending some time with this, you now understand that she was right, and you agree with the breakup. Say that you are doing well and hope that she is too and it would be nice to hear from her.

 

People may see this as a little manipulative, but I see it as a win win situation. Even If you don't here back, you have your dignity, she knows you moved on. Also, she will have lost the control you gave here when you made yourself available whenever she wanted to come back. This will make her curious as to what's going on in your life now.

 

In the meantime, work on yourself as much as you can in the next couple of weeks.

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Chances are that you didn't have any chances to ruin. She's in law school, which basically means she's going to work hard and play hard. She's pretty much told you that it is the distance, and another way of saying that would be

 

My physical needs are just as great as my emotional needs. You only satisfy my emotional needs, and that's not enough.

 

In other words, she's hornier than someone who can be satisfied once every 2-4 weeks. Don't be surprised if she's replaced you in short order.

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I think actions speak louder than words, so by going full NC it sends a strong message to the Dumper. You said it was a day after, so that's not bad in my opinion. It's far better going full NC from the beginning even though you handled the dumping in a pleading, begging manner than to handle the dumping in a respective 'Fine, if that's what you want' manner, but then remain in contact or remain friends or ask the dumper how they're doing from time to time. That's when the Dumper loses respect for you and totally crosses you out of a possible reconciliation.

 

 

The thing of it is, whenever the breakup happens, the Dumper ALWAYS comes out winning. They've grieved and accepted the loss of the relationship for quite some time before they tell you. They've thought about what to say, they've carefully crafted their verbiage, their opening lines, their rebuttals, their excuses, their lies etc etc... Whereas, the Dumpee, for the most part, is going through a complete state of shock and denial when they get confronted of the news by the Dumper. Me, personally, I was in complete shock and I was at my weakest point. Looking back, I would've said so many things differently, and handled it much better. But in the end, it doesn't matter because nothing you say can change the final outcome. If they really loved you they wouldn't break it off in the first place. PERIOD.

Edited by Liono84
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