Sara_K Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 My boyfriend has spent a lot of money on me. Always paying for dates, surprising me with chocolate, random cards, gifts. Going all out on my birthday, buying me super expensive gifts etc. He's also always showering me with compliments, attention and just going completely above and beyond. Although I've always appreciated his gestures, I've also always felt a little indebted. If he's going all out on my birthday, I feel the need to compete and 'beat' how much he did for me. Likewise, because he's showering me with SO much attention and compliments, he tends to feel upset, if I cannot do the same for him. As a result of this, he has always felt like I don't love him enough, and how he's always doing 'more' for me, than I am for him. But, I have never ASKED for any of those gifts or excessive attention. Anyone who knows me know how non-materialistic I am, and I really don't demand much other than respect and loyalty from other people. Anyways, over-all my bf really acts like the 'perfect' guy - he really mirrors everything from a classic Hollywood romantic movie, BUT when he's angry - he turns into a really, really MEAN person. I have never met anyone as harsh as HIM when he's angry. He really knows how to make me cry, and make me feel like utter crap, when he's mad. His nasty sarcasm, tone, and rudeness literally pierces my heart, and leaves me in such an emotional mess. Of course, however, I end up feeling responsible for his anger, because I fail to level up to his 'giving'. I do what I can, but somehow, he's always felt that I'm not affectionate, or loving, or passionate. We've had so many fights now, and my 'enthusiasm' for this relationship decreases every time I see this cruel side of him. But I feel like I have to put up with this because he has done so much for me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Anger is an emotion like being happy or sad or overwhelmed. How that emotion gets expressed can be a problem. If his anger crosses into abusive, it doesn't matter how many gifts he has ever given you, the toxicity makes it something you may need to get out of. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 He is trying to buy your acceptance and love. This is a recipe for disaster and no, nothing excuses being cruel to your gf. The sad truth is that he wants you to buy his love and acceptance too because for some reason that is how someone has shown him that is how the world works. It doesn't. Time to move on and find someone who has a love language closer to yours...one about unconditional love and acceptance and kindness. Move on, learn not to waste your time on men who are angry and cruel and expect you as a commodity for their gifts or romantic gestures. You aren't a prostitute,or a trained monkey. Good luck, G 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Be very careful Seducing and love bombing | Dating a Sociopath 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Sara, this is going to be strange sounding at first, but please bear with me for a second. Sociopaths don't reserve their tactics for strictly romantic relationships. My mother is a sociopath. And she treated me the way your boyfriend is treating you. She would buy me a birthday present, and then, I apparently owed her my soul. Every time from my birthday forward for months, if I didn't jump when she said to, she would unleash her sick anger, reminding me of what's she's done for me. Like you, I did not ask for a birthday present. It got to a point I cringed at the thought she may buy me a cheap t-shirt for my birthday because it would seal my fate for months on end again. She didn't spend much money. Barely any at all. But, in her mind, this was a grand gesture. She went out of her way to do this for me. So, I owed her. And owed her. Grumpybutfun is so right in his assessment. This guy thinks he can buy you. He thinks he owns you like a piece of property he just paid for. There's a serious flaw in his thinking - you weren't for sale!! Your boyfriend is absolutely warped in his thinking. I also agree that someone taught him this, possibly when he was growing up, that this is how the world functions. Think about something you said: All around he's the perfect guy/he knows how to make me cry and feel like utter crap. That's perfect? You need to change your definition of perfect!!! Every gift you accept and all the attention you accept that you never asked for is digging you in deeper and deeper into his perceived debt. You have to stop him before this gets a lot uglier than it already has. It will get a lot worse. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 He is trying to buy your acceptance and love. This is a recipe for disaster and no, nothing excuses being cruel to your gf. The sad truth is that he wants you to buy his love and acceptance too because for some reason that is how someone has shown him that is how the world works. It doesn't. Time to move on and find someone who has a love language closer to yours...one about unconditional love and acceptance and kindness. Move on, learn not to waste your time on men who are angry and cruel and expect you as a commodity for their gifts or romantic gestures. You aren't a prostitute,or a trained monkey. Good luck, G This^^ OP, you have to know this guy's elevator may not make it all the way to the top floor. What was the movie with Julia Roberts with the wacko who tried to control her with gifts and his lavish life style? Sleeping with the enemy? This guy is OVER compensating with his over the top gifts, compliments and love for probably his unacceptable behavior when he's angry. How long have you been dating him? Anyway, from what you wrote Sarah, you need to kick him to the curb and find someone who's mentally and emotionally healthy. Clearly, this guy isn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 He's also always showering me with compliments, attention and just going completely above and beyond.... BUT when he's angry - he turns into a really, really MEAN person. I have never met anyone as harsh as HIM when he's angry. Sara, the behavior you describe -- i.e., the rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (harshly devaluing you) is one of the hallmarks of a person having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The main reason these rapid flips occur in BPDers (those having strong traits) is that they are too emotionally immature to deal with strong mixed feelings. Hence, like young children, they "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of their conscious mind. The result is a frequent display of "black-white thinking," wherein they flip quickly between adoration and devaluation of their partners. He has always felt like I don't love him enough, and how he's always doing 'more' for me, than I am for him.Perhaps he is correct -- if he is emotionally healthy. Yet, if he really does have strong BPD traits, it would be impossible to convince him you really do love him. Until a BPDer learns how to love and trust himself, he is incapable of believing you truly love him and won't abandon him when you find out how empty he is on the inside. Is my boyfriend crazy, or am I crazy? [Title of your 7/4/14 thread.]Sara, is your current BF the same "super sensitive" BF you described in your "Am I Crazy?" thread in July 2014? I ask because, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. That's one reason therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your BF. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless should be capable of spotting the red flags for BPD -- as well as for the sociopathy Elaine mentions -- if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Sara. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Yup, all healthy relationships are built on fear. Aggression & anger are just misinterpreted signs of love. Abuse like physical assaulting is the misinterpreted sign of true love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 This guy sounds insecure to me. Seems to have learned somewhere that money buys happiness. He sounds exhausting :/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I can't comment on psychological issues. I would just say, anger or insecurities can be tolerated. Disrespect, never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Without any psychological training, or extended experience with such an individual, I'd have to say he's a wacko. That is a non-medical term for somebody who "ain't right". How did I avoid extended experience with such an individual? When I sensed that someone acted "not right", I'd cut them off hard. SaraK, you seem to have let this go on far too long. Ditch this guy, fast and furious. Do yourself a favor. Find yourself someone like you, who is a little more even-keeled, who doesn't require over-the-top attention and who doesn't inspire the feeling of obligation to reciprocate. You'll be a lot happier dealing with normal relationship problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sara_K Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Sara, this is going to be strange sounding at first, but please bear with me for a second. Sociopaths don't reserve their tactics for strictly romantic relationships. My mother is a sociopath. And she treated me the way your boyfriend is treating you. She would buy me a birthday present, and then, I apparently owed her my soul. Every time from my birthday forward for months, if I didn't jump when she said to, she would unleash her sick anger, reminding me of what's she's done for me. Like you, I did not ask for a birthday present. It got to a point I cringed at the thought she may buy me a cheap t-shirt for my birthday because it would seal my fate for months on end again. She didn't spend much money. Barely any at all. But, in her mind, this was a grand gesture. She went out of her way to do this for me. So, I owed her. And owed her. Grumpybutfun is so right in his assessment. This guy thinks he can buy you. He thinks he owns you like a piece of property he just paid for. There's a serious flaw in his thinking - you weren't for sale!! Your boyfriend is absolutely warped in his thinking. I also agree that someone taught him this, possibly when he was growing up, that this is how the world functions. Think about something you said: All around he's the perfect guy/he knows how to make me cry and feel like utter crap. That's perfect? You need to change your definition of perfect!!! Every gift you accept and all the attention you accept that you never asked for is digging you in deeper and deeper into his perceived debt. You have to stop him before this gets a lot uglier than it already has. It will get a lot worse. Thank you so much for your analysis, and I'm sorry you had to go through something like that with your mom. I would like to point out, however, that he also seems to spend quite lavishly on HIMSELF as well. Money seems to hold no value for him? He splurges quite easily, or will even trash extremely expensive items he owns in anger as well. And the odd thing is... he doesn't earn that much at all! I get the feeling that his desire to by expensive things is to show off. Even the gifts he's gotten me, I'm not so sure if they were more about making ME happy or if they were about setting the image that he's a really rich guy? But apart from that, in our most recent argument he did point out that he's 'sad' at how he exhausted his 'resources' for me... which is pathetic, because I never asked for that, and I've tried to PAY back for his gifts, by buying him as expensive gifts as he buys me.. Just to show him that I'm not all about taking. Early on in the relationship, I would just feel indebted in my own perspective of things, but now he's made it quite clear that I 'should' be putting up with his anger/disrespect because he's done 'so much' for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sara_K Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 This^^ OP, you have to know this guy's elevator may not make it all the way to the top floor. What was the movie with Julia Roberts with the wacko who tried to control her with gifts and his lavish life style? Sleeping with the enemy? This guy is OVER compensating with his over the top gifts, compliments and love for probably his unacceptable behavior when he's angry. How long have you been dating him? Anyway, from what you wrote Sarah, you need to kick him to the curb and find someone who's mentally and emotionally healthy. Clearly, this guy isn't. Yes, you're right. And I've noticed certain trends... he buys me MORE things right after a fight. He does the occasional sweet stuff too, but there is definitely a correlation between me being upset and his gift-giving. The first time in this relationship I got a box of chocolates actually was right after the first time he had yelled at me :| I've been with him for 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Point blank tell him to stop buying you presents and you don't need or want much attention. What good do they serve when you have to pay for them through his abuse. Tell him you don't want anymore presents and take his power away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sara_K Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Sara, the behavior you describe -- i.e., the rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (harshly devaluing you) is one of the hallmarks of a person having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The main reason these rapid flips occur in BPDers (those having strong traits) is that they are too emotionally immature to deal with strong mixed feelings. Hence, like young children, they "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of their conscious mind. The result is a frequent display of "black-white thinking," wherein they flip quickly between adoration and devaluation of their partners. Perhaps he is correct -- if he is emotionally healthy. Yet, if he really does have strong BPD traits, it would be impossible to convince him you really do love him. Until a BPDer learns how to love and trust himself, he is incapable of believing you truly love him and won't abandon him when you find out how empty he is on the inside. Sara, is your current BF the same "super sensitive" BF you described in your "Am I Crazy?" thread in July 2014? I ask because, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. That's one reason therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your BF. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless should be capable of spotting the red flags for BPD -- as well as for the sociopathy Elaine mentions -- if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Sara. Hi there! Thank you so much for providing further insight into my situation. Yes, the guy I posted about "is my bf crazy or am I crazy" thread is the same bf I am with at the moment as well. After reading your analysis, and the BPD warning signs, I think I see a lot of that behavior in my boyfriend. But, I don't think I can bring this up to my bf. He will flip, and get really offended and defensive if I mention something like this to him. He is highly sensitive to criticism, and I can only imagine the big fight that it will result in if I tried to speak to him about this....? Perhaps it's better to walk away... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Hi there! Thank you so much for providing further insight into my situation. Yes, the guy I posted about "is my bf crazy or am I crazy" thread is the same bf I am with at the moment as well. After reading your analysis, and the BPD warning signs, I think I see a lot of that behavior in my boyfriend. But, I don't think I can bring this up to my bf. He will flip, and get really offended and defensive if I mention something like this to him. He is highly sensitive to criticism, and I can only imagine the big fight that it will result in if I tried to speak to him about this....? Perhaps it's better to walk away... If you can't talk to him why is he your boyfriend? You are afraid of the guy you call your bf and that isn't healthy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 My advice, we can sit here analysing and diagnosing him all day and night, but one thing is clear he IS NOT someone you should hang around with any longer. Anger and disrespect from any partner needs given a wide berth, it is called emotional abuse. 30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship - Zero tolerance. RUN as fast as you can away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Read "No More Mr Nice Guy". That book describes your boyfriend. He's not doing things for you because he wants to do things for you. He's doing them because he expects the same or more in return. This is pretty unhealthy and leads to other passive aggressive behavior as well. Eventually he'll go into a resentment phase. You can either: (A) Break up with him (B) Tell him to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and expect the worst. I don't think he necessarily is BPD, but rather, super insecure about himself and how others perceive him. Either way, this situation really is unhealthy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Sara, it didn't occur to me until you said something to mention this. My mother spoiled herself rotten by lavishing herself with expensive gifts. She had closet loads of brand new clothes, a brand new truck and bought any little thing that came to mind that she wanted for a split second. She compulsively shopped for herself. To the point of being in debt and threatening me if I didn't get her out of it. Only for her to max out her credit cards again and demand I "fix it again like last time". Now that you understand she was spending a lot of money on herself first, things will make even more sense to you from the way it sounds. I owned my own business at the time. Money wasn't great (I wasn't a millionaire) but it was good though. I had a futon and the mattress wore out. It was hard like a cinderblock. It was hurting my back. I have a habit of not spending money until I have to so when my back was in agony, she knew it and I explained I had to get a new mattress. She bought me a $200 mattress. I had tried not accepting one of her "gifts" before and knew the consequences of that were actually worse than accepting the gift and being in her debt. Being that I had the financial means to buy a mattress, you can see how intentional her "gift giving" was, being that I did not need her financial help (she always needed mine). Like your boyfriend, she spends massive amounts of money on herself and isn't wealthy. If she didn't buy herself so many gifts over the years, she actually might be considered wealthy today! You know those old scales? With like a plate on each side? These people keep throwing stones onto your side of the scale, weighing you down more and more as they lift themselves up. For every stone they throw on your side, they see themselves as the better person who is giving while you are selfishly taking. My mother was severely abusive and while your boyfriend may not be like my mother right now, these people keep score of every little thing they do for you. Eventually, my mother was berating me for things like a $10 t-shirt she got on sale for $4, screaming at me that I'm a sadistic, sick, selfish individual who is ungrateful and appreciates nothing. They don't stop keeping score, Sara. Be very careful of that. Please. Because they get worse over time and try to break you down to nothing as an individual. Also, a word of warning: When you walk away (which is a healthy thing to do), they feel that all of the things they have done for you are now walking away with you, the selfish, ungrateful individual and RAGE is their response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 After reading your analysis, and the BPD warning signs, I think I see a lot of that behavior in my boyfriend. But, I don't think I can bring this up to my bf.... Perhaps it's better to walk away... Yes, Sara, it is better to simply walk away. If he really does exhibit strong BPD warning signs, he almost certainly will project your observation (about his BPD symptoms) right back onto you. Because projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he consciously would be convinced that YOU are the BPDer. If your BF were emotionally stable and incapable of loving you or anyone else, you would be describing warning signs for full-blown sociopathy or narcissism. Yet, if I understand you correctly, you seem to be describing him as loving you ("I love that my boyfriend is super affectionate, and lovey dovey, and enthusiastic all the time"). You also seem to describe him as being unstable ("IF I tell him he's overreacting a little... All hell breaks loose"). Hence, you seem to be describing some of the classic red flags for BPD. BPDers are unstable and are capable of loving very intensely, albeit in a very immature way. A BPDer loves in the stunted manner of a very young boy, who adores Mommy when she is bringing out the toys but suddenly flips to hating Mommy when she takes one away. Although both the love and hate are always there in his mind, he "splits off" the conflicting feeling so as to have to deal with only one intense feeling at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Read "No More Mr Nice Guy". That book describes your boyfriend. He's not doing things for you because he wants to do things for you. He's doing them because he expects the same or more in return. This is pretty unhealthy and leads to other passive aggressive behavior as well. Eventually he'll go into a resentment phase. You can either: (A) Break up with him (B) Tell him to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and expect the worst. I don't think he necessarily is BPD, but rather, super insecure about himself and how others perceive him. Either way, this situation really is unhealthy for you. Diezel, you are enlightening in your responses, and I must commend most of your replies, Especially since you mentioned Glover's book, and didn't try to disguise! You're right, he's acting like the 'nice guy' who expects gifts in return, The classic 'rage attack' afterward when he feels he got burned. It stems from being a pushover of a man for far too long in his life, the rage is latent anger he's learned to hold in, but comes out in times of strife, He offers affection in terms of materialistic possession and worldly trinkets as gifts, Then expects you to return your affection though showmanship, otherwise he gets miffed. He isn't a lost cause, and if you love him that much, You can certainly try your hand in 'training' him as such. You see, some people will be quick to dismiss him as a lost cause and case, Because, well, they're right, it's easier to just get rid of and replace. However, if after some meditation, you feel that particular course is not for you, Then I would suggest possibly exploring maybe a slightly different avenue. Stand your ground the next time he expects affection in return for a 'prize', Accept the argument, distance yourself until he calms, then explain the reason why: You will not be talked to that way, or the relationship ends. That you love him very much, but you refuse to see that side of him. That you appreciate everything he does for you, and you notice it all the time, That you don't believe in returning affection only when he decides he should spend a dime. That you think about him everyday and that you adore him as well, but your love can't be bought, and that your love isn't something you sell, That although his gifts were received and you appreciate being wined and dined, the gifts aren't what sculpted your feelings, but rather, who he is in heart and mind. It won't be easy in order to train him against what he's learned, it's not a solution that will even work the first time, and in his hears, your comments will burn, But after a few angry outbursts, with the apology following it's tail, If his behavior doesn't improve, then you know it's to no avail. This is my perspective, take it or leave it as you will, It's certainly easier to cast him aside and to take on another bill, However, rarely will you find the perfect guy that you fall in love with straight from the wild, Sometimes we're rough around the edges, and you have to train him a bit to your style. Link to post Share on other sites
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