Do Dumpers Think It's Over?

[Bo34]

I wanted to knw the perrspective from dumpers. When they initiate the breakup, realistiicaly do they at the time of the breakup or a few months after, still believe if they really wanted to, they could get back with the Dumpee (should they had second thoughts that may lead to regret)

 

Or are they aware that once they dumped the dumpee, it's over and even if they had second thoughts, the door is most likely closed and the Dumpee would be moving on.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Bo34

[Samuel_22]

I wanted to knw the perrspective from dumpers. When they initiate the breakup, realistiicaly do they at the time of the breakup or a few months after, still believe if they really wanted to, they could get back with the Dumpee (should they had second thoughts that may lead to regret)

 

Or are they aware that once they dumped the dumpee, it's over and even if they had second thoughts, the door is most likely closed and the Dumpee would be moving on.

A lot of factors play a role here, whether they dumped, because they have had enough, whether they dumped, because they wanted to go to someone new they have met, or dumped to go back to their ex....

My experience whenever I dumped someone I cried the first night! felt like crap for a couple of days, and then moved on and never looked back! I mean I even felt super happy after all (I had enough of those guys, I was not interested in being with them any more)

BUT

The last time I dumped someone was when I felt greedy, I was with a nice, beautiful girl, then I saw someone more beautiful, I dumped the girl to go with the other one, things did not work between us, I went back to the dumpee and she slapped me so hard, that I will never forget! well I deserved that anyhow! AHHH what kind of animal was I? really!!!

[dumbass2]

I've never dumped someone unless I new for certain that I did not see a long term relationship no matter what and needed to stop wasting each others time. Dumpers usually think about it enough in advance so they truly know what they are losing in you by doing it.

[aloneinaz]

As a dumper, what the determining factor for me to think I could get the dumpee back was how she acted after being dumped. If she kept contacting me, asking for another chance, telling me she missed me, I knew I could probably get her back. Now, if the girl vanished after I ended it, then NO, I wouldn't think I could probably get her back.

 

 

Now, I NEVER had any desire to start dating the girl I left again. Before I made the decision to end it, I thought it through and had emotionally checked out of the R/S. I then let the person know it was over.

[Gus Grimly]

Years ago, I dumped a girl and she vanished, I figured out I was fearing commitment, so when that happened I realized I wanted to try the commitment thing with her. I tried to get her back in a big way, but she was pretty hardcore NC. Thought she was being a bitch till I found out years later from a friend that the BU had been uber tough on her and that she wanted me back as well, but thought I was too wishy-washy and was tortured by my e-mails expressing how sorry I was and that I made a mistake. Her friend also told me that it took every ounce of her willpower not to pick up the phone when I called. It took her 1 year to finally date again. Learning that brought me a lot of shame and guilt. ugh.

 

Another girl I had to dump was begging and pleading. That was tough on me because I could see how much pain she was in. Tried being friends but that ended up with us having sex and she thinking we were back together. DOH!

[Meli22]

I think it totally depends on why they broke up with you. If they left because they were being mistreated or were unhappy with certain behaviours etc then they've probably thought it out and realised the relationship isn't for them. In this case it's hard for them to walk away but they know it's for the best, and are unlikely to return.

 

If however the dumper just got bored, took their partners for granted, wondered what else was out there, or were afraid to commit then there's more chance of them having a "sh*t I've realised what I've lost" moment.. And want to return.

 

This is just my experience (the second point happened to me and he came crawling back for years after). But it all depends on the person.

[aloneinaz]

Reading the last two posts reinforces why dumpers can be selfish and self serving.

 

 

The end the relationship. It upsets the dumpee who has to cope with all the pain, hurt and rejection. They finally get back on their feet a few months later. Well, things haven't gone as good as the dumper thought they would and go on a dry spell. They then get lonely, horney and miss being in a R/S. So, they think "I'll give X another chance" and contact them. Smart dumpee's would either ignore the contact or tell the dumper NO THANKS and move on.

[PinkElephants]

Every time I ended a relationship it was after careful consideration. The problems couldn't be solved, the fighting wasn't worth it anymore, etc and the relationship could go no further. Therefore, there was no regret.

 

A couple of them contacted me for months or years afterwards; one is still contacting me despite being over 1000 miles away and me being totally in love with my bf. I know I could have my ex back but to go back into a dysfunctional situation would be illogical even if I was single.

 

Because I don't respect him or view him a long term prospect it wouldn't be in my ex's best interest to take me back even if I was willing. It would end again eventually.

 

Are you searching for hope or are you reaching the anger stage?

[Bo34]

Every time I ended a relationship it was after careful consideration. The problems couldn't be solved, the fighting wasn't worth it anymore, etc and the relationship could go no further. Therefore, there was no regret.

 

A couple of them contacted me for months or years afterwards; one is still contacting me despite being over 1000 miles away and me being totally in love with my bf. I know I could have my ex back but to go back into a dysfunctional situation would be illogical even if I was single.

 

Because I don't respect him or view him a long term prospect it wouldn't be in my ex's best interest to take me back even if I was willing. It would end again eventually.

 

Are you searching for hope or are you reaching the anger stage?

 

Sadly, I'm searching for hope and possible reconciliation even though I know IF that happens it won't be anytime soon. I know, it's pretty pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself for not having more principles.

 

Our relationship ended due to distance. She wasn't able to handle not seeing me on a regular basis. We're from the same town, same social circle, same culture, but she went to pursue a degree across coasts. So technically, it wasn't due to falling out of love, abuse, compatibility or even falling for another person. (At least, that's what she told me, and I don't have reasons to doubt her).

Edited August 31, 2015 by Bo34

[Gus Grimly]

So technically, it wasn't due to falling out of love, abuse, compatibility or even falling for another person. (At least, that's what she told me, and I dont have reasons to doubt her).

 

LDR are super hard to keep healthy. Especially when your Ex is having sex with her 'friend' from work but don't worry, she doesn't love him, it's just sex ... what's the big deal?

[mightycpa]

Our relationship ended due to distance. She wasn't able to handle not seeing me on a regular basis.

Bo, if it was due to distance, then what she is basically saying is that she has some relationship needs that aren't being met, and that these needs are just as important as the emotional ones.

 

One of them is sex. Another one might be making the daily investment in the relationship that you cannot make long distance, like doing things together and spending time with each other, and getting to know each other. Yes, some of that can be done LD, but it isn't the same, and it isn't nearly as much fun, turning the relationship into work.

 

So, unless one of you moves near the other, and is willing to start from scratch, then consider yourself done. I'm sure that's what she's thinking.

[Bo34]

Bo, if it was due to distance, then what she is basically saying is that she has some relationship needs that aren't being met, and that these needs are just as important as the emotional ones.

 

One of them is sex. Another one might be making the daily investment in the relationship that you cannot make long distance, like doing things together and spending time with each other, and getting to know each other. Yes, some of that can be done LD, but it isn't the same, and it isn't nearly as much fun, turning the relationship into work.

 

So, unless one of you moves near the other, and is willing to start from scratch, then consider yourself done. I'm sure that's what she's thinking.

 

What I don't get is if that's true, is why did it have to be an issue now all of a sudden? We did the whole LDR for awhile and it was never a problem before. Saw each other routinely for a week at a time every 2 months. Furthermore, we had an expiration date when she was planning on moving back.

 

I just don't get it and it's so damn hard accepting the fact that this is over.

[mightycpa]

What I don't get is if that's true, is why did it have to be an issue now all of a sudden? We did the whole LDR for awhile and it was never a problem before. Saw each other routinely for a week at a time every 2 months. Furthermore, we had an expiration date when she was planning on moving back.

 

I just don't get it and it's so damn hard accepting the fact that this is over.

I think what you're missing is that it was a small problem that grew until she couldn't stand it any more. This is a small problem at the beginning of LDR, and it grows daily, and everybody reacts differently to it. It has probably bothered her for a while, but she never shared that with you, for fear of hurting you, or uncertainty or whatever. Throw a new guy into that mix, and the problem escalates exponentially.

 

How far away is that expiration date?

[Bo34]

I think what you're missing is that it was a small problem that grew until she couldn't stand it any more. This is a small problem at the beginning of LDR, and it grows daily, and everybody reacts differently to it. It has probably bothered her for a while, but she never shared that with you, for fear of hurting you, or uncertainty or whatever. Throw a new guy into that mix, and the problem escalates exponentially.

 

How far away is that expiration date?

 

MightyCpa - You know, what you say does make sense. Although she swore to me that there wasn't another guy she was talking to when I asked her, and tthat she still had the same feelings for me, something just doesn't add up. I could be wrong, but you're def right, it can compound the problem.. And perhaps Im being too naive cuz I never put too much thought into that aspect.

 

A year and 4 months to be exact was when she would be finished. It's not as though we ignored the problem. We talked about it many a times and she had always maintained she would be returning back until the day of her dumping me when out of nowhere she changed her tune and said she just doesn't know anymore. Another thing is we're both Korean American, so we same culture. We share many of same mutual friends, and both had met each other's parents.