Oregon_Dude Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Hey guys and gals, I was thinking of something last night as I was heading to bed. At this point in my breakup, exactly a month out, the ex and I are clearly done contacting each other. There have been no hints of reconciliation, no emotional outpouring, etc. And while I guess it's still a bit weird not talking to her, I have come to realize that I don't even consider this to be no contact - NC implies that I would WANT to talk to her, and that I am actively restraining myself from doing so. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't even consider this new life of mine to involve NC. Sure, I don't reach out to her, but that's because I do not want to. I am no more in NC with her than I am my high school GF. My life has changed, and things have happened (getting a second job, purchasing an electric guitar) that would not have happened had I still been with her. So, I encourage you to mentally shift this idea of NC from something you are not doing (reaching out, texting, etc.), to reclaiming your life... a new life that your ex is not in anymore. So may people come and go from our lives during the course of 70+ years; this is just another one of them. And sadly, you are just another one of theirs. But once you accept this change, fully, while ALSO feeling the pain when it comes - and it will come, many times a day - you will not view your actions as NOT doing something, and rather an embrace of the new, exciting direction in which you find yourself. Hope this makes sense. I want you to feel empowered, not victimized. Today is the first day of your new life. Enjoy! You are free! OD 11 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Congrats!! You've reached indifference!!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Congrats!! You've reached indifference!!!Lol, I don't know about that. Just a minor epiphany and a re-framing of perspective, perhaps. Thanks, mtn. Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I gotta stick with NC forever. I'm still having to restrain myself from mailing my Ex a box containing a ziplock bag filled with dogs*** sprinkled with gold glitter. lol 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I gotta stick with NC forever.Trust me, I'm not going to contact. But, does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Hey guys and gals, I was thinking of something last night as I was heading to bed. At this point in my breakup, exactly a month out, the ex and I are clearly done contacting each other. There have been no hints of reconciliation, no emotional outpouring, etc. And while I guess it's still a bit weird not talking to her, I have come to realize that I don't even consider this to be no contact - NC implies that I would WANT to talk to her, and that I am actively restraining myself from doing so. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't even consider this new life of mine to involve NC. Sure, I don't reach out to her, but that's because I do not want to. I am no more in NC with her than I am my high school GF. My life has changed, and things have happened (getting a second job, purchasing an electric guitar) that would not have happened had I still been with her. So, I encourage you to mentally shift this idea of NC from something you are not doing (reaching out, texting, etc.), to reclaiming your life... a new life that your ex is not in anymore. So may people come and go from our lives during the course of 70+ years; this is just another one of them. And sadly, you are just another one of theirs. But once you accept this change, fully, while ALSO feeling the pain when it comes - and it will come, many times a day - you will not view your actions as NOT doing something, and rather an embrace of the new, exciting direction in which you find yourself. Hope this makes sense. I want you to feel empowered, not victimized. Today is the first day of your new life. Enjoy! You are free! OD Good post OD. I think the other way to view a break up is you're breaking a bad habit. They say it takes 28 days to start and end one and depending on what the habit is, there's going to be withdrawal from it. Like you, by one month NC, I had my feet back under me. I was still livid at her for dumping me because I didn't have the balls to dump her first. But, more so myself for putting up with her crap for as long as I did. There was NO F'ing way I was EEVVEERR contacting her again. By 6 weeks post break up, I was dating casually. It was good for me too. Stay strong OD. You will continue to reach indifference more and more. Then, if she reappears out of no where 5-6 months, after the end like my ex did, you can have the pleasure of saying NO THANKS to getting back together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 So may people come and go from our lives during the course of 70+ years; this is just another one of them. That's all about personal perspective. I've known many people in my life, but only a handful have truly chewed me up and spit me out like my Ex. I put her in a separate category from the rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 That's all about personal perspective. I've known many people in my life, but only a handful have truly chewed me up and spit me out like my Ex. I put her in a separate category from the rest.I understand. I was treated horrrrribly three GFs ago. Those are the ones that are really hard to be indifferent about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 That's all about personal perspective. I've known many people in my life, but only a handful have truly chewed me up and spit me out like my Ex. I put her in a separate category from the rest. And, what pisses you off about her treatment is YOU allowed it! It's not what she did but rather you not telling her to go F-herself when she started acting that way. I share that because I also ALLOWED my last ex to do the same to me.. NEVER again will I tolerate anyone acting/treating me that way.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 And, what pisses you off about her treatment is YOU allowed it! It's not what she did but rather you not telling her to go F-herself when she started acting that way. Ugh, that's the sad commentary. What's worse, I had lost so much self-respect I convinced myself I deserved it, that it was all my fault. Jesus, I feel like such a fool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 And, what pisses you off about her treatment is YOU allowed it! IMO - This is the most important issue. Breakups are only 10% them and 90% us... Even when lying, cheating and manipulating are involved. Wrap your head around that. LOL!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 IMO - This is the most important issue. Breakups are only 10% them and 90% us... Even when lying, cheating and manipulating are involved. Wrap your head around that. LOL!! I can't, but one day I will be able to understand it. I know it's the truth though, just a lot to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yeah, it's a jagged pill for sure. But depending on how you address it, it can also be quite liberating with time!! Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I was in an LDR when I got dumped. I used to try to understand why I was suddenly so distraught by her absence, when pre-breakup, the absence didn't bother me. That helped me not only understand, but to truly believe that I was in a severe state of over-reaction. It's all about perception, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Good job man. No contact makes the hurt go away. I've been no contact with this short term relationship girl for 21 days Monday. She ripped my heart out and I feel pretty awesome at this point. Lonely but not necessarily for her. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 It makes things a hell of a lot more complicated when you're lifelong friends with your ex. Even when we weren't dating, we were best friends. So I'm in NC with not only my ex, but my best friend and it hurts like hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Bo34 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) I was in an LDR when I got dumped. I used to try to understand why I was suddenly so distraught by her absence, when pre-breakup, the absence didn't bother me. That helped me not only understand, but to truly believe that I was in a severe state of over-reaction. It's all about perception, isn't it? I respectfully, disagree. I was in a LDR too, but I don't think I'm over-reacting with me feeling sad/hurt/betrayed/depressed. Although you're right that there is an absence both pre/post breakup in that you don't have the ability to see your GF/BF every week like a regualr relationship (Ours was every 2 months), there still was that person you talked to on the phone almost every single day, that person you texted multiple times every single day. It was a person you loved deeply that was a part of your daily life for a year. So yes, there is a HUGEEE void. Sometimes being in a LDR can be as big a void if not more than a regular relationship because you go above and beyond with staying in touch every day due to the distance factor. I know a few friends who don't do a whole lot of talking on the phone or texting and see their partner once a week, because they both live in the same city. So no, it is not an over-reaction in my opinion. Edited August 30, 2015 by Bo34 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Ugh, that's the sad commentary. What's worse, I had lost so much self-respect I convinced myself I deserved it, that it was all my fault. Jesus, I feel like such a fool. Nah just a fool in love Now the real work begins. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I love this thread. And I agree, if we can shift our perspective from viewing NC as something we are giving up (communication, attachment, etc) but rather something we are gaining (strength, pride, one day closer to happiness) then maybe it will be easier. I honestly lost track on how many days of NC it's been. It's just my way of life now. Without him in it....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Why is it that I was fine before I met you, but now that you don't exist again, I can't live without you? Just a thought for today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oregon_Dude Posted November 25, 2016 Author Share Posted November 25, 2016 This thread may help others as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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