Long Distance Relationship without ever seeing each other

[SheWolfGR]

Hello I'll try and keep this short. (sorry for my english i'am from greece)

I met a guy 3,5 years ago online by playing videogames. Long story short we fell in love like you see in the movies. We were talking EVERY single day for hours and hours, we've been through a lot together. We cried together etc. I never had or was looking for a romantic relationship and he had only 2 relationships and the biggest was 6 months.

We are both very private lonely people who don't get along with many people and never thought we would find someone to feel that way. He always said to me that he has never felt this way for another girl and we were compatible in like 99%.

We have so many stuff in common and even in things we don't we always tried to be part of each other's life. We haven't met up close for many reasons..even though we both wanted it. I have some issues with my looks and we both haven't had much experience with relationships so we were afraid..

Anyways a few months back he discovered a health problem he has and the doctor said to him that if he was late 2 days he would be dead. So since then he became more cold and like he said it made his bad self to come out and that it made him a little bit different. And while other times we were fighting he always came back to me after that he didn't make such effort. I have some problems in my life as well so that made us to be more distant with each other..I kept asking him what's wrong and he would say nothing or he would make some excuse up. He wouldn't open up to me anymore..I told him I loved him and I asked him if he loves me too and he couldn't say it..So as a result the past few months I neglected him (which I regret so much) and we weren't really talking that much but I could see he was jealous which I think it means he was still in love with me?

We weren't talking at all for two weeks and he went with another girl. He only said something when I messaged him. What he said to me about all this is that he just wanted to not be alone and to forget his problems and that it wasn't sex he was after. I told him I still love him and want to give this another shot and for a month after it he was like I am confused, I'm pressured and that he cares about the other girl too.

After a month I asked him again and he said that he doesn't see me romantically anymore and wants to be friends. Now we talk on the phone sometimes and he said to me that the only thing that is going well in his life right now is his job and that the other girl sometimes turns him off. So things are not going well with those two from what he is saying..

When I asked him if we are completely over and if we are not ever getting back together he said that he doesn't know what to say and that what he says to me is what he can say right now and that's all. That he wants to be there for me but not how I want him to be and that he can be here for me as a friend.

From what I know about him I don't think it's gonna work between him and her. I'm just wondering if he is saying he wants to be friends because he is not sure of his feelings or if he actually means it..On the phone when we talk it reminds me how we used to talk kinda and yesterday when we hang up he said something like i have to go now babe..He is not the kind of person to use nicknames, he only did with me when we were together..I don't know if I am over analyzing this or if it means something..

I know time will tell but I'm overthinking everything and I just want to know if I should move on or keep some hope..He really is the one for me and from what he has said to me in the past I feel I was the one for him too. I just don't understand how after so many years, so many intense feelings and with not having a real chance together if he means the I see you as a friend thing..And despite being a little different because of his health problem he isn't that much a changed man about what he wants from a partner..

When I asked him what he thinks about the relationship we had he said to me that it was real for him, it was the best 3,5 years of his life and that he wouldn't change it. He also says that he feels the same things I do and more like pain, regret, bitterness.. Recently on the phone he started saying I regret..but he said never mind..

What do you think? Does he just wants us to be friends or does he still has some feelings about me? The only sure thing I know is that he absolutely hates talking about us right now and that he has so much pressure in his life..

 

PS: Also after the break up in our conversations I understood from what he said that he is afraid of commitment and doen't know if he can live with another person (not particulary me, in general)..when we were together we made plans to meet and live together so I think this may have something to do with ending the relationship on top of other things..

Edited August 28, 2015 by SheWolfGR

[StalwartMind]

When two insecure or very private lonely people meet, it can be the best and worst thing. The bond and connection you had and to some degree still share, is as real as anything else. Not everyone have the luxury to meet fast, some also need time to develop comfort and lastly some people just connect better initially through writing.

 

It feels like even if you have issues with your looks, and he currently may have some health issues as well, you are the one wanting this more, and with an entire third part involved, this is where most long distance relationships tend to collapse, if neither part are mentally strong. The kind of connections you can have with anyone, even long distance can be extremely intense and invigorating, it doesn't matter if it's a friendship or relationship. Just because a computer and distance separates you doesn't make all you feel be less relevant. While the majority of these type of relationship fold with time, there are also many success stories which many tend to forget.

 

I certainly have some doubts about yours, just because of the communication break down, this typically spells the end of such relationships when that happens. I don't believe he's the only one right for you, in fact many people would make ideal partners, but I can understand what you mean because you've never felt like this before. In this type of situation you need to believe what he says, that he is under pressure and can only focus about himself. This sometimes is the case, and while someone would claim such a relationship was doomed from the start, that doesn't have to always be the case. There's no real way of knowing how the future will unfold, but when things start falling apart, it's recommended to give your situation some serious thinking.

 

It seems like he wants you as a friend, and it's the only thing he has energy for. This doesn't mean anything you shared in past didn't mean anything, believe him too when he said it was the best years of his life. Connecting with someone else and feeling safe is something we all should hold on for as long as possible, as no one knows when it'll be taken away from us again.

 

As sad as it may be, sometimes even two very compatible people end up not being together for miscellaneous reasons. It may be hard to value what you had all these years when the situation has taken a turn for the worse. It is however an experience and no matter what happens in the coming time, I hope that you can take many good things from it. I'm sure he still has some feelings for you, but currently he is not in a good place to really appreciate things as he once did. Perhaps with time he'll get better, but in either case it's best you prepare yourself for both outcomes. No matter what you both deserve to be happy, whether it's together or separately.

[angel.eyes]

You've never even met in person! To be blunt, it's a big fantasy and a complete waste of time.

 

Deal with your insecurities about how you look. That's at the root of you engaging in this phone fantasy and then hanging on for dear life even as he meets other women and says he just wants to be friends. Once you've come to a place where you're comfortable with your physical appearance or can accept that men could find you attractive (guys like all types), dip your toe in the water and actually start to meet guys.

 

That's the only way to get to a fulfilling, rewarding relationship. Stop dithering away your life with this phone talk..."I can't meet you" nonsense. Life isn't a romance novel or movie. Even a lonely, introverted guy will eventually walk, as you're discovering. Besides, don't you deserve more out of life than a phone pal?

Edited August 28, 2015 by angel.eyes

[ExpatInItaly]

He realized he can't keep up a relationship that's purely online or long-distance. It's simply not realistic or sustainable. He's starting to get out there and date girls, and you can probably expect that he'll continue to do this.

 

You need to start detaching and moving on from this. It's not healthy at all and will lead to more hurt for you.

[SheWolfGR]

When two insecure or very private lonely people meet, it can be the best and worst thing. The bond and connection you had and to some degree still share, is as real as anything else. Not everyone have the luxury to meet fast, some also need time to develop comfort and lastly some people just connect better initially through writing.

 

It feels like even if you have issues with your looks, and he currently may have some health issues as well, you are the one wanting this more, and with an entire third part involved, this is where most long distance relationships tend to collapse, if neither part are mentally strong. The kind of connections you can have with anyone, even long distance can be extremely intense and invigorating, it doesn't matter if it's a friendship or relationship. Just because a computer and distance separates you doesn't make all you feel be less relevant. While the majority of these type of relationship fold with time, there are also many success stories which many tend to forget.

 

I certainly have some doubts about yours, just because of the communication break down, this typically spells the end of such relationships when that happens. I don't believe he's the only one right for you, in fact many people would make ideal partners, but I can understand what you mean because you've never felt like this before. In this type of situation you need to believe what he says, that he is under pressure and can only focus about himself. This sometimes is the case, and while someone would claim such a relationship was doomed from the start, that doesn't have to always be the case. There's no real way of knowing how the future will unfold, but when things start falling apart, it's recommended to give your situation some serious thinking.

 

It seems like he wants you as a friend, and it's the only thing he has energy for. This doesn't mean anything you shared in past didn't mean anything, believe him too when he said it was the best years of his life. Connecting with someone else and feeling safe is something we all should hold on for as long as possible, as no one knows when it'll be taken away from us again.

 

As sad as it may be, sometimes even two very compatible people end up not being together for miscellaneous reasons. It may be hard to value what you had all these years when the situation has taken a turn for the worse. It is however an experience and no matter what happens in the coming time, I hope that you can take many good things from it. I'm sure he still has some feelings for you, but currently he is not in a good place to really appreciate things as he once did. Perhaps with time he'll get better, but in either case it's best you prepare yourself for both outcomes. No matter what you both deserve to be happy, whether it's together or separately.

Thank you for your kind answer...I do try to move on sort of but I can't stop thinking about the fact that we didn't really had a real chance to live from up close and see how we are..despite the fact that we had such a good communication and compatibility in all areas. I know I have to be prepared for both outcomes..What do you make of the fact that he really doesn't like to talk about the reasons this happened and that he keeps saying he just wants to takes his mind of it? Also do you think we should keep in touch or not? I keep thinking that maybe if we have time apart he will apreciate what we had but then I think that if we don't contact at all it will be easier for him to forget how we were..I'm so confused..I don't know what's the best thing to do..

[d0nnivain]

When he got sick he realized life is short & he took steps to get real GF into his life -- somebody he can see in person, hug & kiss etc.

 

 

You were the fantasy in the computer. The 3.5 years with you probably boosted his confidence enough to go into the real world.

 

 

I am sorry you are hurting because you felt so connected to this person but it wasn't as real as you made it out to be. That doesn't reduce your pain but it may help you develop some perspective.

 

 

Good news. . . if you can talk to him & feel for him you can talk to and feel for somebody else. I get being insecure about your looks. The awful nicknames other kids called me as a child did a # on my head for a while. You need to work on yourself. Have you ever had your hair professionally styled? Pay the money & try it. Get your makeup professionally done & have the woman teach you to apply it yourself. It sounds trivial but learning how to correctly apply eyeliner gave me a huge boost. Consult a stylist about your look.

 

 

Best option -- schedule the make up & hair the same day. After you get it go, go to a professional photographer to get your picture taken. Use that on an OLD profile.

[ImmortalDracula]

If he wanted you he would let you know and already told you. He has not. Therefore he does not. And the reasons for this – who knows. His health problems who knows. I myself being housebound many years due to CFS M.E. A curious infernal, strangely deibilatating lurgy (illness)

 

At 3.5 years is a long time. I think I met someone 5 years after I spoken to them online (sure I had girls inbetween). But as none of us pretended to be a fairy tell princess/prince – then it went well.

 

But my illness

Her illness

Distance

Conspires does the universe. Or perhaps it is just life.

 

3.5 years is a long time to invest in anything, save perhaps cake.

A bond existed and it is now broken and you do not know why.

 

I cannot truly say why he does/no longer want you.

Illness – this one I doubt.

Job – well if he can work he can squeeze you and your 3.5 years in. But he does not therefore perhaps he has other simpler options.

 

Planes are wonderful, cheapish, and at 3.5 years you could have met? I recommend no more than 2 years. Some people invest many more years in something that can never be from the first instance.

 

I myself are private in many ways or to throw out some daft personality type an INTJ.

 

I can function in smallest.non-existant of social circle. And it okay to feel alone, there is no shame in that. No weakness perhaps more strength than most.

 

Your PS bit worried me - get rid of him forever.

[SheWolfGR]

If he wanted you he would let you know and already told you. He has not. Therefore he does not. And the reasons for this – who knows. His health problems who knows. I myself being housebound many years due to CFS M.E. A curious infernal, strangely deibilatating lurgy (illness)

 

At 3.5 years is a long time. I think I met someone 5 years after I spoken to them online (sure I had girls inbetween). But as none of us pretended to be a fairy tell princess/prince – then it went well.

 

But my illness

Her illness

Distance

Conspires does the universe. Or perhaps it is just life.

 

3.5 years is a long time to invest in anything, save perhaps cake.

A bond existed and it is now broken and you do not know why.

 

I cannot truly say why he does/no longer want you.

Illness – this one I doubt.

Job – well if he can work he can squeeze you and your 3.5 years in. But he does not therefore perhaps he has other simpler options.

 

Planes are wonderful, cheapish, and at 3.5 years you could have met? I recommend no more than 2 years. Some people invest many more years in something that can never be from the first instance.

 

I myself are private in many ways or to throw out some daft personality type an INTJ.

 

I can function in smallest.non-existant of social circle. And it okay to feel alone, there is no shame in that. No weakness perhaps more strength than most.

 

Your PS bit worried me - get rid of him forever.

Well the illness thing was his reason as to why he became more distant with me as in it got his bad self out and of course my reaction to it didn't help, it pushed both of us farther away and he said that even if there was no third party evolved (which is something he did not initiate) he would wanna be alone.. But the thing is when he first told me about the cheating he had doubts whether to stay with me or her and I asked him if those doubts were lies and he said no. He also told me that he regrets not coming to meet me.. What puzzles me more is that when I ask him if we are never ever going to be together, to tell me something solid he says he cannot say anymore than what he says now (which is to stay friends) and that he knows I have to know but that's all he can say for now..So I think he leaves a door open for us..which means he may still has feelings but everything is so fresh and his life is so pressured now that he just wants to relax..I don't know maybe I'm completely wrong..Right now I just try to focus on other things..but my mind thinks about the situation as you can understand.

[StalwartMind]

The single most important bit to keep in mind is that, no two humans are the same, even the most illogical, against all odd scenario has the chance of resulting in something positive.

 

There are some individuals out there, who enter relationships, both online as well as offline, where one or both individuals are not mentally at their best. I can only share my own experiences from people I've met, that never had anyone truly understand them until they met me. I'm no saint or special person, however if I've learned something, then it's that every relationship is very delicate and unique. There are bonds people create in this world, that no one will understand except those two involved. This is both the beauty and tragedy, because the rest of the world will still go about in our own ignorant and unaware ways, showering others with general advice. Now by all means, general advice can be useful but in many ways it can also be incredibly damning.

 

I like to believe I'm a sensible person, I also know that every relationship story has two sides of it, mine isn't better or more real than how my partner, present or past perceives it. Everything is a matter of perspective, and being able to look at things from unlikely angles, may be just what some individual needs at time. Yes, there are many red signals with this story, and the most sensible thing would likely for you to mentally prepare yourself to move on, as he more than likely will never be with you. This is the hurtful part, however none of us can tell you what is the best course of action, it greatly depends on how you feel.

 

I would never advice anyone to spend their entire life waiting for someone to "change" and be wanting to "be with you" again. In most cases these stories end poorly, but sometimes they do have a great and unexpected outcome too. No one ever pays much attention to such stories as it most of all will seem like some cliche Hollywood movie.

 

While the situation is not ideal, and it's unfortunate his illness has made him become more distant, the truth is many people aren't capable of dealing with multiple emotional states, so they have to focus on the one that is the most important and it will always be our own well being.

 

You're a rare and special person, for even thinking of him, despite all this is very difficult. There are many people who'd love someone as dedicated as that, because there are people in relationships who live together, that don't even pay each other much thought, or look elsewhere for entertainment/conversation or whatever it is people feel they have an extra need for.

 

Protecting yourself is the most important thing to do, don't put your life on hold, don't be afraid to explore options. What will happen will happen. There sadly are no guarantees in life, I know I'm a loyal person and will fight all those I care about till the very end, but no one should depend on me for doing so, as life is a mystery and none of us know for how long we'll be on this planet.

 

It's a lot to process ones thoughts, especially in a bit unusual situation, chemistry can change too once you meet, it happens to some people, but again not to everyone. Honesty is such a fantastic trait, and sometimes we are facing situations where there are no good options. I'll always be concerned when someone doesn't wish to talk, however I also know, that if the other person is dealing with too many things, they simply have zero energy to even talk. This can and often will be a deal breaker, however from experience, it doesn't always have to be negative, even if far from a great condition.

 

We all need hope, but containing it so it doesn't run wild and out of control is just as crucial. In a pessimistic sense, expect the worst, so you are less disappointed by any eventual reality. Be skeptical, but not to the point where you don't let people have a chance to prove themselves.

 

I know you'll be thinking a lot about this, and you don't have to rush to any conclusions. Some people in relationships who lost their significant other, never marry again, simply because their love for their partner was so strong than nothing can replace it. This may seem like a waste and tragic, but it's actually quite beautiful too, none of us have the right to decide how others spend their time or life. Life is hard enough as it is, it's about holding on to all the things that give us meaning, no matter what hardship we face.

[SheWolfGR]

Thank you for your advice..It's what I try to work on..focus on other things and see what happens..