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Broken Engagement-Still cohabitating


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Well, about two months ago my live-in fiance and I had a huge blow out. We stayed together with talk about trying to make things work. He told me that he was done compromising in this relationship as he felt 'he had tried enough' over the 3 1/2 years we were together. I didn't feel that it was reasonable for someone to say that they were done making any compromises or changes in a relationship as relationships are a growing and evolving entity.

 

Since then we have been in sort of a limbo in terms of our relationship. I have been trying to find a new place to live, but live in one of the most expensive cities in the United States. I have a good job, credit, references etc, but there just isn't a place that I can find. The rental market here is crazy. They schedule open houses for the middle of the day in the middle of the week for one hour at a time. During which 4 or 5 other prospective renters show up. It's absurd to be honest. Anyway, this has kept us living in the same house during this time. My ex-fiance agreed to stay on at our house until I can find a place. Then, as luck would have it, he got laid off. So that has propelled the move-out date to the end of September.

 

Still no luck finding a place. So we are still living in the same home and sleeping in the same bed. I would rent a room if I could but I have a daughter that is moving with me. At this point I am just looking for a small one bedroom for us. But, alas the rental market!!

 

Living together is so hard. We have gone from constant communication, to awkward random texts here and there. From no physical contact to him acting like we are still a couple. It's such a gut wrenching situation to be living in.

 

He tells me that he can't live without me and can't picture his life without me....but is unwilling to make any accommodations to keep me in his life. We have these moments where things seem almost normal...and I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. At the time it happens it feels good, because that constant anxiety and angst is gone for a little bit. But, the next day when we are back to awkwardness it triggers deep sadness.

 

I KNOW in my head that we can't be together now. We were so hasty in our relationship in terms of moving in together etc, that we didn't behave as adults regarding our responsibilities to our kids and they have been caught up in the chaos of the end of our relationship. My daughter is 19 and in college, but she is living with me until she graduates. She hates my ex for many reasons. He has a daughter that is a senior in high school. She has special needs which weren't fully conveyed in the beginning of the relationship and caused multiple problems. So, living together while they are still in the house really isn't possible at this point. Especially with the 'no compromise' clause the ex has imposed.

 

I go from "I can't wait for this to be over and find my own place so I can start to heal" to "I don't think I can do this, how do I live without him".

 

I can't picture him not being in my life. I don't want to picture it. I am still in love with him.

 

Last night we were relaxing together after work...it was nice...he was sweet and affectionate. But, I had to keep my distance. It would be so easy to give into him when he is like that, but I know that the next day it would just go back to limbo and uncertainty and it's tearing me up inside.

 

I am panicked and freaking about finding a place...and he seems to already have found a new job. He always seems to land on his feet. He will be moving in with his parents for as long as he needs to live there. So, he's all set. I can't help but feel a bit jealous that his future is certain and I wonder if I will be living on the streets. I have no family that I can turn to and all my friends are married and no one could house us even on a short term basis.

 

All day I want to text him like I used to, because he was the one that I would go to with everything. Something funny I heard, or saw, or something that happened, or needing support, or just general sniping about stuff throughout the day. Now, I have to deal with all of this by myself.

 

How can a person say that they love you and can't live without you, but are willing to let you go out of their life?

 

He is a musician and he has a gig this weekend. He keeps asking me if I will go with him. It's an all day event with a possible sleepover at the venue. While I desperately need a break from every day life, I feel that this would just set me up for more heartache when we go back to this hell on earth we have been living.

 

I am not sure where I am going with any of this. I just wanted to get my story out and see if anyone has dealt with anything similar.

 

All day long I feel on the verge of tears. The are just under the surface. My emotions are raw and I can barely function. I go to work every day and for the most part handle my business, but I feel frozen and stuck. :sick:

 

edited to add:

 

Our relationship was utterly amazing for so long. We clicked on everything. We had chemistry and laughter and similar backgrounds and goals. We knew we had found the 'one' early on. Now....this.

Edited by alexbaby16
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UGH...this is one of those days where I want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw it away...follow that up with a mind erase of the last 3 1/2 years of my life. If I could go back to the day we met...knowing the pain I am feeling....I think I would have run in the opposite direction.

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