Why do we want them

[foolinlove79]

For the last few days i have asked myself the question..why do i want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me?

 

It really is a good question for everyone who has been broken up with. If you can put aside the pain and hurt and missing them amd really ask that question.

 

I have come to the conclusion that i am scared of being on my own. And because of that i think i have put up with a lot of crap...Maybe the best thing is for me to do just that for a while. Face the fear.

 

I challenge everyone on here to ask themselves that question. And look at it from an internal viewpoint. Why do you want someone who doesnt want YOU.

[QueenDeath]

I'm in love with love. I am a hopeless romantic, I enjoy spending time with someone that I love, I enjoy doing things for them, buying them things, cooking for them, making something for them, just making them happy. Despite whatever highs and lows we have, I love being with someone.

 

Why do I want my ex when he doesn't want me? Good question, I'll get back to you on that in a while.

 

Honestly, I don't know, I just know that I want to be with him, I still think of him as someone I would spend the rest of my life with. I sometimes wonder even though this break up happened over the weekend, does he ever think about me, that we could be together still, does he miss me, does he think about me during the day, does he ever get the urge to message me, I don't know why I think these things and want him back for if he probably doesn't feel the same considering that he ended it and didn't message me back when I wanted an understanding on things.

 

It is heartbreaking to think that you might be the only one that thinks about these things and they don't. Missing someone and their not missing you, wanting to get back to them and they don't wanna be with you. The whole thing just ****ing blows dick for skittles.

 

Edit - To add on, it's always amazing to think of being with someone that really wants to be with you, through the good times and bad times, to think they would fight for you and not call it quits when things get tough.

Edited August 26, 2015 by QueenDeath

[FancyFace]

9 months later I can finally say, hand on bible, that I do not want my ex back.

 

But 9 months back, heck maybe even 4/5 months back, I would have done anything to get him back and the only reason was my trying to erase the sense of rejection that I felt when he cruelly dumped me. The word "dumped" pertains to discarding, being thrown away like trash as if you are not worthy and that was the feeling I was trying to make go away.

 

Time and perspective are beautiful things. With time, the scales should fall from your eyes for you to realise that anybody who does not want to be with you, just isnt for you. That doesnt neccesarily make them a bad person (unless they cheated or abused you), it just means that they are incapable of seeing the beauty and treasures in you, so you should move on to someone else who does. And the beautiful thing about life is, there is always someone else out there, always! We just have to have the courage to love again and again and again until we get it right.

[aloneinaz]

For the last few days i have asked myself the question..why do i want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me?

 

It really is a good question for everyone who has been broken up with. If you can put aside the pain and hurt and missing them amd really ask that question.

 

I have come to the conclusion that i am scared of being on my own. And because of that i think i have put up with a lot of crap...Maybe the best thing is for me to do just that for a while. Face the fear.

 

I challenge everyone on here to ask themselves that question. And look at it from an internal viewpoint. Why do you want someone who doesnt want YOU.

 

 

It's not an issue of wanting someone who doesn't want you. The issue is being dumped made the person's already low self esteem blow up into the stratosphere. This induces a massive FEAR response in the dumpee. They kick into the "OMG, I'll never met another BF/GF again" cause I was lucky this person liked me at all.

 

 

I know so many people with solid self esteem and confidence that were dumped. Yes, they hurt but they understood not everyone's a good fit and moved on quickly to find someone more compatible. They didn't waste months mourning and having a pity party over the dumper. They didn't take the rejection so damn personal. In their mind, it was the dumper loss.

[Sunshine09]

God I ask myself this 10 million times a day lol

[Seth0194]

Some doctors say it is an addiction almost like a drug. If you type it in the search browser you will get a ton of articles about it.

[catlady11]

I want him because we got along so well together and could talk for literally hours about anything and the physical side of our r/s was great. We never fought. Losing him was/is like losing a good friend. BUT he doesn't feel the same way about me emotionally that I do him. Being with someone who doesn't feel the same way that you do about them is settling and I deserve better than that but it's hard to think there's someone out there for me.

[lostsoul1985]

For the last few days i have asked myself the question..why do i want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me?

 

It really is a good question for everyone who has been broken up with. If you can put aside the pain and hurt and missing them amd really ask that question.

 

I have come to the conclusion that i am scared of being on my own. And because of that i think i have put up with a lot of crap...Maybe the best thing is for me to do just that for a while. Face the fear.

 

I challenge everyone on here to ask themselves that question. And look at it from an internal viewpoint. Why do you want someone who doesnt want YOU.

 

I do agree with your questioning/viewpoints. The amount of pain I was in over a girl not too long was indescribable- i was suicidal. I dont even want to put the blame on her/me etc now. I still get my occasional swing but they are coming less and less.

 

Ill put it this way....I had a tattoo on ribcage during that period (of my mums name....awww arent I sweet!). Supposedly the most painful region of the anatomy where one can get a tattoo. I remember telling the tattooist to make it hurt.....it did not even compare to the emotional pain I felt over the girl and perceived betrayal (in reality there was no betrayal, I now accept). Id even show links given the state I was in.

 

This last few months as a result of the heartbreak and my life in general collapsing, I guess I have come across probably the deepest answers to life and contemplated such matters for days, weeks, months, on end...which more and more people are waking up to. In fact all Ive done is search for these, for several months...not much more, no work, nothing much more as I say.

 

I guess the biggest one which will help anyone in pain is....YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND or THOUGHTS. Your mind will be feeding you all sorts of negative shiz....if this mind of yours was a boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd dump him/her immediately. I guess Ill relay some of my views/learned about typical love/relationship cycles and life too i guess

Why do you want the person?

Its the feeling the other person supposedly gives you-your mind tells you I love him/her......yet the actual feeling/emotion is in you. Society tells us you are not complete alone....you need somebody to complete you. Its the way you have been programmed from birth.

Who is the 'You' that wants this person?

The subconscious. Did you know 96-98% of your life is controlled by your subconscious? The you, 'you think you are' is not in control- the conscious mind is not in control.

 

Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

Rejection brings up all previous accumulated subconscious pain felt in the past and not faced at the time (largely stemming back from childhood).

 

Why did I feel such ridiculous pain?

Personal level, I was sexually abused and physically abused; I had a lot of emotional pain in my childhood.

 

An emotion comes up we attribute it to a current event, the conscious mind makes a story around. Mine was 'I did everything for that girl, how is she sleeping with someone else'. 'she used me' etc etc

 

This is how the mind works. If it isnt somebody else, it is something else 'which will make us happy'. Once those things disappear...we are hurt, upset, sad, etc. We suffer.

So whats the problem?-can I still not search for the one?

The problem is not only when you dont get what you want, its also when you get what you want- the girl/guy you want, the relationship you want.

 

You keep the mind satisfied for a while....its happy. The chemicals/emotions/feelings in your subconscious make you feel happy. Your conscious mind attributes these to the other person...'being in love' with the other person.

 

Gradually the chemicals/emotions begin to disappear from your subconscious after the honeymoon period. The things you found cute and lovable in your partner are now simply just annoying. You begin to desire 'more' from them. A commitment, more effort, more this, more that..etc to recreate the 'high' of the honeymoon period.

 

There begins the love/hate cycle.....If hate overtakes love....then the relationship collapses, infidelity occurs, changes are made, etc. Your conscious mind attributes the hate towards the other person for not meeting your needs.

 

If there is still enough love moments...the relationship survives, with much hard work, etc. If not suffering/pain occur- the conscious mind attributing it to the loss experienced.

 

 

Are you saying Happiness doesn't exist in a relationship?

Not in the way we are programmed to think anyway. We mistake happiness for excitement, want, desire,.....

Happiness is pure unshakeable inner bliss and peace; contentment, a lack of fear, a lack of wanting, a lack of desire, acceptance. Pure love, which has no desires or wants. Fearlessness.

Knowledge that absolutely anything can happen on the outside.....but it will not affect your bliss.

 

But I was happy in my relationship?

Is this really true? Be honest with yourself....Have you found 'true happiness' within a relationship- if that was true then why did it end?

But.... He/She Left me. He/She Cheated on Me. He/She didnt do this/that or the other.... I did so much for her/him...

Does this sound like love? Does this sound like the 'happiness' you wanted? Or does this sound like wanting/desire?

 

So I should stop seeking the 'one'?

Not exactly-but stop attaching your 'happiness' to a relationship, another person. You certainly will not find the 'happiness' you are after in a relationship for long, unless you find true lasting 'happiness' within yourself - however you want to romanticize the past.

[Angelfirex]

I do agree with your questioning/viewpoints. The amount of pain I was in over a girl not too long was indescribable- i was suicidal. I dont even want to put the blame on her/me etc now. I still get my occasional swing but they are coming less and less.

 

Ill put it this way....I had a tattoo on ribcage during that period (of my mums name....awww arent I sweet!). Supposedly the most painful region of the anatomy where one can get a tattoo. I remember telling the tattooist to make it hurt.....it did not even compare to the emotional pain I felt over the girl and perceived betrayal (in reality there was no betrayal, I now accept). Id even show links given the state I was in.

 

This last few months as a result of the heartbreak and my life in general collapsing, I guess I have come across probably the deepest answers to life and contemplated such matters for days, weeks, months, on end...which more and more people are waking up to. In fact all Ive done is search for these, for several months...not much more, no work, nothing much more as I say.

 

I guess the biggest one which will help anyone in pain is....YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND or THOUGHTS. Your mind will be feeding you all sorts of negative shiz....if this mind of yours was a boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd dump him/her immediately. I guess Ill relay some of my views/learned about typical love/relationship cycles and life too i guess

Why do you want the person?

Its the feeling the other person supposedly gives you-your mind tells you I love him/her......yet the actual feeling/emotion is in you. Society tells us you are not complete alone....you need somebody to complete you. Its the way you have been programmed from birth.

Who is the 'You' that wants this person?

The subconscious. Did you know 96-98% of your life is controlled by your subconscious? The you, 'you think you are' is not in control- the conscious mind is not in control.

 

Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

Rejection brings up all previous accumulated subconscious pain felt in the past and not faced at the time (largely stemming back from childhood).

 

Why did I feel such ridiculous pain?

Personal level, I was sexually abused and physically abused; I had a lot of emotional pain in my childhood.

 

An emotion comes up we attribute it to a current event, the conscious mind makes a story around. Mine was 'I did everything for that girl, how is she sleeping with someone else'. 'she used me' etc etc

 

This is how the mind works. If it isnt somebody else, it is something else 'which will make us happy'. Once those things disappear...we are hurt, upset, sad, etc. We suffer.

So whats the problem?-can I still not search for the one?

The problem is not only when you dont get what you want, its also when you get what you want- the girl/guy you want, the relationship you want.

 

You keep the mind satisfied for a while....its happy. The chemicals/emotions/feelings in your subconscious make you feel happy. Your conscious mind attributes these to the other person...'being in love' with the other person.

 

Gradually the chemicals/emotions begin to disappear from your subconscious after the honeymoon period. The things you found cute and lovable in your partner are now simply just annoying. You begin to desire 'more' from them. A commitment, more effort, more this, more that..etc to recreate the 'high' of the honeymoon period.

 

There begins the love/hate cycle.....If hate overtakes love....then the relationship collapses, infidelity occurs, changes are made, etc. Your conscious mind attributes the hate towards the other person for not meeting your needs.

 

If there is still enough love moments...the relationship survives, with much hard work, etc. If not suffering/pain occur- the conscious mind attributing it to the loss experienced.

 

 

Are you saying Happiness doesn't exist in a relationship?

Not in the way we are programmed to think anyway. We mistake happiness for excitement, want, desire,.....

Happiness is pure unshakeable inner bliss and peace; contentment, a lack of fear, a lack of wanting, a lack of desire, acceptance. Pure love, which has no desires or wants. Fearlessness.

Knowledge that absolutely anything can happen on the outside.....but it will not affect your bliss.

 

But I was happy in my relationship?

Is this really true? Be honest with yourself....Have you found 'true happiness' within a relationship- if that was true then why did it end?

But.... He/She Left me. He/She Cheated on Me. He/She didnt do this/that or the other.... I did so much for her/him...

Does this sound like love? Does this sound like the 'happiness' you wanted? Or does this sound like wanting/desire?

 

So I should stop seeking the 'one'?

Not exactly-but stop attaching your 'happiness' to a relationship, another person. You certainly will not find the 'happiness' you are after in a relationship for long, unless you find true lasting 'happiness' within yourself - however you want to romanticize the past.

 

Absolutely love this. I experienced similar suffering earlier this year from a breakup/depression which also resulted in deep contemplation and waking up to the real truth of love and happiness. The pain we experience is because of our attachment to thoughts (which are not ours, we are not our thoughts), identification with the ego and programmed beliefs in the subconscious mind.

 

Exactly what you said, inner peace is something that is timeless and completely different to the chemical/emotional high of a relationship. Searching for any happiness outside of ourselves will never give us real contentment because everything changes. True happiness - inner bliss - comes from within. Guy Finley is a particularly good spiritual teacher for happiness and the true nature of our "self" too, reading and listening to his work has helped me so much.

[Gus Grimly]

So I should stop seeking the 'one'?

Not exactly-but stop attaching your 'happiness' to a relationship, another person. You certainly will not find the 'happiness' you are after in a relationship for long, unless you find true lasting 'happiness' within yourself - however you want to romanticize the past.

I like this because I find myself now realizing that I gave all of myself to my last relationship. I got lost in it. The relationship itself became my life, goals, and source of pain and happiness.

 

I realize there needs to be a balance between loving and appreciating yourself and the relationship. The two can coexist, it's not impossible, but you must be mindful of it. My Ex required me to accept her life 100% and leave behind my old one entirely. I completely lost my grasp, I lost who I was, I became someone else, someone she didn't like or love. It was a no-win situation, because when I tried to regain some of what was lost, she became agitated and needy. In the end, it spiraled into a sterilized generic relationship. Saying "I love you" became a habitual habit instead of the truth and emotion behind the phrase. It lost its meaning and emotional impact.

 

There needs to be a balance. When the scales are tipped too far in either direction, pain and loss are not too far away. That's how I see it now.

[Liono84]

I like this because I find myself now realizing that I gave all of myself to my last relationship. I got lost in it. The relationship itself became my life, goals, and source of pain and happiness.

 

I realize there needs to be a balance between loving and appreciating yourself and the relationship. The two can coexist, it's not impossible, but you must be mindful of it. My Ex required me to accept her life 100% and leave behind my old one entirely. I completely lost my grasp, I lost who I was, I became someone else, someone she didn't like or love. It was a no-win situation, because when I tried to regain some of what was lost, she became agitated and needy. In the end, it spiraled into a sterilized generic relationship. Saying "I love you" became a habitual habit instead of the truth and emotion behind the phrase. It lost its meaning and emotional impact.

 

There needs to be a balance. When the scales are tipped too far in either direction, pain and loss are not too far away. That's how I see it now.

 

But you're not the only brother... I, too, was in the same predicament. I was not doing good the past several months career-wise, lost a lot of focus and drive, and ultimately, was passed over for openings I had worked for a long time at work. But it didn't matter much to me, because my relationship with her was in essence, my happiness and goal. I was too caught up and blind. The sad part is it wasn't like this in the beginning. But somewhere during our time together, the tables flipped and I became the more needy one. It really amazes me how I didn't see it as the time, but now as the dust has settled, things are more clear.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Liono84

[loveforever101]

Really great question honestly. For me my ex was actually my first serious relationship, so I think that makes it even harder for me. This girl was my first everything and I was her first everything too. On top of that I genuinely loved my ex and I would've never left her. Plus I don't like to waste my time and it seems I wasted two years with the wrong person! What a joy! I'm not even sure if I want her back anymore! Which is great honestly.

[mightycpa]

Actually, you don't want the real person back. You want the one you used to know, the one that loved you. You are attached to a memory, not a real person.

[mtnbiker3000]

It's very simple. Human nature states we want what we can't have...

[Liono84]

Actually, you don't want the real person back. You want the one you used to know, the one that loved you. You are attached to a memory, not a real person.

 

Oh man, so true. I love that quote. I never even thought of it in those words but that is so true. When you put into perspective like that, it really helps you to just move on!!!

[Gus Grimly]

Actually, you don't want the real person back. You want the one you used to know, the one that loved you. You are attached to a memory, not a real person.

Exactly. Hit the nail squarely on the head. That sums it up for me ....

 

I wanted the person I created in my mind, the fantasy. The real person I came to know, I absolutely detested. She did try to assume the person she initially made herself out to be as much as she could, but as it was an act from the get-go, eventually she got lazy and her true nature followed suit.

 

When the relationship ended, I pined for the fictional person, not the real one. I pleaded the real one to give me a second chance so I wouldn't lose the fictional one I loved. I eventually lost site of the fictional one because the real person destroyed her. Now, I'm able to move on and I don't miss either of them, I pity them. Some poor soul will fall victim to the same fate as me and will have to endure the same trials I faced. God speed to you, stranger.

[Samuel_22]

Exactly. Hit the nail squarely on the head. That sums it up for me ....

 

I wanted the person I created in my mind, the fantasy. The real person I came to know, I absolutely detested. She did try to assume the person she initially made herself out to be as much as she could, but as it was an act from the get-go, eventually she got lazy and her true nature followed suit.

 

When the relationship ended, I pined for the fictional person, not the real one. I pleaded the real one to give me a second chance so I wouldn't lose the fictional one I loved. I eventually lost site of the fictional one because the real person destroyed her. Now, I'm able to move on and I don't miss either of them, I pity them. Some poor soul will fall victim to the same fate as me and will have to endure the same trials I faced. God speed to you, stranger.

This fictional person I made in my mind, seriously this one... I really want this fictional person back, but I know that in reality this fictional character has been stabbed, murdered, torn into pieces by the real character, that's why I wouldn't take her back, even if she came back! Because I can't love and live with this fictional person's real equivalent... There are no choices, nothing but the straight line, I think I did the hardest part, I turned around and faced it, It felt like looking down into the grave of your love ...But at least you know there is no going back.

[aloneinaz]

Actually, you don't want the real person back. You want the one you used to know, the one that loved you. You are attached to a memory, not a real person.

 

 

 

Or, you want the person back from the very beginning of the R/S. They were the one of their best behavior. Then, the honeymoon ended, they let their hair down and got comfortable. You then saw who this GF/BF really was and in most instances, it wasn't someone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

[lostsoul1985]

Absolutely love this. I experienced similar suffering earlier this year from a breakup/depression which also resulted in deep contemplation and waking up to the real truth of love and happiness. The pain we experience is because of our attachment to thoughts (which are not ours, we are not our thoughts), identification with the ego and programmed beliefs in the subconscious mind.

 

Exactly what you said, inner peace is something that is timeless and completely different to the chemical/emotional high of a relationship. Searching for any happiness outside of ourselves will never give us real contentment because everything changes. True happiness - inner bliss - comes from within. Guy Finley is a particularly good spiritual teacher for happiness and the true nature of our "self" too, reading and listening to his work has helped me so much.

 

Thanks Love And yeah appreciate your thoughts/sentiments alot also x Ah Guy Finley is one of the few authors I haven't read on my reading, will check him out given your recommendation- Eckhart Tolle probably my favourite. Its funny I went even deeper than the new age teachers on my spiritual search.........went all the way back to vedas, upanishads and the bhagvad gita (hindu scriptures. I am from a hindu background). Found much what is being said these days...is pretty similar.

 

Much Love

[Oregon_Dude]

Because we're pathetic and we live in the past, and we refuse to value ourselves and move on.

[Seth0194]

I like this because I find myself now realizing that I gave all of myself to my last relationship. I got lost in it. The relationship itself became my life, goals, and source of pain and happiness.

 

I realize there needs to be a balance between loving and appreciating yourself and the relationship. The two can coexist, it's not impossible, but you must be mindful of it. My Ex required me to accept her life 100% and leave behind my old one entirely. I completely lost my grasp, I lost who I was, I became someone else, someone she didn't like or love. It was a no-win situation, because when I tried to regain some of what was lost, she became agitated and needy. In the end, it spiraled into a sterilized generic relationship. Saying "I love you" became a habitual habit instead of the truth and emotion behind the phrase. It lost its meaning and emotional impact.

 

There needs to be a balance. When the scales are tipped too far in either direction, pain and loss are not too far away. That's how I see it now.

 

This is the problem I am finding out now about my most recent relationship with my ex. I built my world around it for four years. I alienated friends, some family and even things I like to do. Not her fault, she encouraged me to do things (play golf scuba dive etc) but those were things she was not into and though I did them, I did not indulge in little things far enough.

[Gus Grimly]

This is the problem I am finding out now about my most recent relationship with my ex. I built my world around it for four years.

When you take a few steps back post BU and look at the relationship from afar, it's easier to see why and how we let ourselves become imbibed by the weight of it all. No one forced us into it, we chose to embrace it completely. Doing so isn't cheap and you could end up paying dearly for it years down the road.

[Jimmyjackson]

If any of you haven't already, watch 500 days of summer. Theme follows what you guys are discussing

[QueenDeath]

If any of you haven't already, watch 500 days of summer. Theme follows what you guys are discussing

 

500 Days of Summer for me when I watched the movie was after my first boyfriend ended things with me, to me it showed how my relationship was like with him, the relationship was one sided, he left me for someone else and yes, I did have expectations of the relationship I was in with him. Must say, my first relationship taught me a lot about having expectations and all.

 

It's pretty amazing how your relationships, no matter how good you think it was, when the dumper leaves you for someone else or whatever the reason is, you learn a lot about it after months/years of healing and just looking back on things.

 

Overall, the movie is amazing and it is a must see movie and I am so happy that I watched it after my first relationship in high school.

[Jimmyjackson]

500 Days of Summer for me when I watched the movie was after my first boyfriend ended things with me, to me it showed how my relationship was like with him, the relationship was one sided, he left me for someone else and yes, I did have expectations of the relationship I was in with him. Must say, my first relationship taught me a lot about having expectations and all.

 

It's pretty amazing how your relationships, no matter how good you think it was, when the dumper leaves you for someone else or whatever the reason is, you learn a lot about it after months/years of healing and just looking back on things.

 

Overall, the movie is amazing and it is a must see movie and I am so happy that I watched it after my first relationship in high school.

 

It made me realise that I was stuck in a rut fantasising about somebody who no longer exists, I felt like the guy in the film..moping around all the time. I think it has a good message to it about delusion and how we can all get stuck in this frame of mind that eats us alive if we let it.