The Things They Taught Us

[HandsomeBoh]

So amidst all the pining and raging, I thought maybe I'd make a thread about all the good things our exes have brought about in our lives. Maybe that will teach us that we improve and as we do, we gain the self-assurance to love again. Please share your lessons! I'll start with my three year relationship:

 

She taught me to be human. She took a manipulative, lying bastard and taught me how to respect human emotion. She was the first person I couldn't and wouldn't manipulate, because she was so highly intelligent and I wanted to experience her pure unadulterated feelings.

 

She taught me to love. After three years, the heady attraction bubbled away, and I was afraid that I would see and hate all her flaws. Instead, I found myself attracted to her more and more everyday. She taught me that I could love someone unconditionally beyond my own benefit and prize her happiness far above my own. I had been worried about it all my life, but with her I knew I wasn't the narcissistic sociopath some people made me out to be.

 

She taught me pain and sorrow. She taught me what it was like to lose your entire universe. She showed me the torment of heartbreak and the unbearable pain. If I had a lack of human empathy before, I don't now. I can finally, if only a little, understand the anguish of losing a child, of divorce, of the many things I had no frame of reference for previously. She put compassion into an empty steel heart even as she broke up with me.

 

And then she was gone. And if she was put here to be my guardian angel and to teach me about life, then she clearly forgot to teach me how to stop loving her.

[Gus Grimly]

My Ex taught me that someone who you thought you could trust would easily and selfishly break that trust without a thought to your well-being and the consequences that follow.

 

My Ex brought out the best and worst in me. I became the man I always knew I could be but also left behind the man I once was. Now I must find harmony between the two, once that happens I'll be able to live a productive life while sharing it with someone else.

 

Through all this, I've come to the realization that you can't give up who you are for someone who's not willing to do the same. Too much of a good or bad thing isn't healthy. There must be a balance to everything you do in life, including relationships.

[mrldii]

My first ex taught me how to be a parent and how to create and sustain family rituals; his family taught me what a strong, loving marriage should look like. He also gave me my one-and-only child, so he will forever hold a special place in my heart.

 

My second ex taught me how to have fun in a relationship and how to keep the sparks going.

 

My third ex taught me what being a family is all about and how to love multiple children, equally, all at the same time. He gave me the opportunity to share what the first ex had taught me.

 

My last ex taught me how to calm down...exercise logic to offset emotionalism...and the value of a dollar and saving some of 'em.

 

 

I am grateful to each and every one of them...and a few of the exes in between 'em, too. There's not a single ex that I haven't had a take-away from, that isn't incorporated into Who I Am, today.

[Oregon_Dude]

To leave sooner?

 

Honestly, nothing, my dude. Hate to be a party crasher.

[BriNyc82]

I've learned to not put all my eggs in one basket and hand out my trust so easily. I've come to realize even further just how good of a support system I have in my fiends and family. I've learned that I need to reign in my emotions when I'm angry or upset. I've learned that if I see red flags not just acknowledge them in my head but speak up dammit. I've learned to be more assertive in what I want and that its ok to say what I want. Come on Oregon Dude. Dig deep.

[YellowPetal]

My last relationship was a wake-up call about how I treat myself. Although he cheated on me, I feel more like I cheated myself. I neglected my own needs, and put him before myself. I wish I left him all those times I felt we were not compatible instead of holding onto a belief that our differences would work themselves with the passage of time. I wish I trusted my own instincts when they were telling me that people like him were empty shells, incapable of real love.

[nellbell86]

That I give all of myself to someone way too quickly and easily, that I relied on him to be my whole centre of happiness, so when he left its like my entire existence and happiness left with him. That I need to be happy in myself and my own life and want to share that with someone, rather than making them the only source of my happiness. That I need to work on my insecurities as this pushed him away. That I am stronger than I thought cos somehow, not very well, but somehow, I am getting through this, when at the beginning I never thought I would.

[casey.lives]

my exes taught me that love is not enough

[Oregon_Dude]

Come on Oregon Dude. Dig deep.

Well, similar things to what you said. I've learned to pay closer attention to red flags. Such as someone who has cut themself. Someone whose grandparents are apparently Nazis. Someone whose father believes in Lizard People. Someone whose grandfather is a rageaholic alcoholic. Someone who is an only child with a dramatic past. Someone who is 21 f*cking years old.

 

I've learned never, ever to do long-distance again. To never message for three weeks before meeting, as you've established a r/s that is based on well-written sentences rather than who we actually are, how we actually act and react in person. To let someone know much sooner that lack of communication is a deal-breaker for me, and that I won't tolerate being ignored for days on end.

 

I've learned that silent treatment, lashing out, hot and cold behaviors are all unacceptable, and grounds for immediate termination. I've learned not to give my trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves enough to me in real life.

 

That enough for now, Bri?

[Liono84]

My ex taught me how fragile relationships can be. How everything is fluid and can change in an instant.

 

Prior to our relationship, I was a more optimistic believer in finding love. I've come away with a very jaded view on love, and how hard it is to find someone.

 

I'm happy and sad at the same time learning this valuable lesson.

[aloneinaz]

Hum.. My last ex, eh??

 

 

* I learned what BPD was thru her crazy, emotionally unstable, toxic self.

 

 

* Found out how intoxicating, loving and sexual a BPD woman can be when she's in the "infatuation stage". She gave the best head, hands down of my life and I've had lots of sex partners.

 

 

* She helped me understand that I needed to address my some self esteem issues when she ended the R/S.

 

 

* Learned that you should really listen to your inner voice when red flags appear early and RUN the other way to save your mental health.

 

 

Honestly, I was really trying to think of some positive things she provided or things she did (in a good way) that I learned from her. Nope, I can't think of any which only reinforces how screwed up I WAS to put up with her.

[casey.lives]

my ex didn't learn anything from me, he never had a conversation with me but he might like to think he learned something after he hacked my life to violate me and force his presence in my NEW life.. but it was not learning-it was more like a gang beat down to confess or admit all my self. a self i wanted to share with someone who cared for me intimately not an abuser - user - he called worthless when he abandoned me 6 yrs ago but came back and made me worthless.

Edited August 25, 2015 by casey.lives

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure I learned a whole lot from being with the first one, but I learned a ****load from losing her.

 

The last one showed me how act on a daily basis when you love someone. I learned a ****load from being with her.

 

I'm not too sure about all the ones in between. I learned a little, here and there.

[contel3]

My ex taught me that people don't change.

 

He taught me it's a waste of time to try to reason people.

Edited August 25, 2015 by contel3

[icyfeline]

My ex taught me:

 

That you cannot/should not build your life around someone else.

 

That people & their feelings for you can change very easily...no matter how good the relationship is or how good you are to them.

 

That no matter how much you know or trust someone, it can never be 100%.

 

That I became the better version of myself because of everything that happened when he left me.

[Clarkwg]

My 1st one taught me that if someone becomes really really good friends with their ex whilst in a relationship with me then it's probably best that we finish.

 

My 2nd one taught me that if someone becomes really really good friends with their ex whilst in a relationship with me then it's probably best that we finish.

She also taught me that if a relationship falls apart & you decide give it another go, then don't be surprised if it fails again but this time be done with for good, do not repeat the cycle more that 50 times over the next decade.

 

Hopefully my next relationship will teach me that the saying 3rd time lucky is true.

[Xiomn]

Biggest one for me was learning that actions speak louder than words.

 

I think everyone automatically takes that as being an obvious statement but when it comes down to love It's amazing how love can blind you like it did to me into believing words over actions. Right now I feel like I'll have trust issues when it comes to relationships..my ex lied to me about everything before and during the breakup.

[DALIFAN]

I have always taken it as an incentive for myself to learn from every encounter in my life no matter how long or short. I believe all have their reasons to step into your life. Now regarding my exes:

 

The first one taught me everything there is to teach about first love: the innocence of it on an emotional and physical level, to allow me to give myself freely and completely to one person with all of my trust and he taught me that it was ok to be vulnerable. He introduced me to my love for literature and classical music.

However, more importantly, it was through him that I learned a lot about my relationship to my parents. My father used to constantly cheat on my mother and I saw my mother crumble and break numerous times. When I found out about his years long cheating my image of my perfect father was broken and I felt so much resentment towards him and I swore myself to never cheat on anyone as I couldn't bare hurting somebody I love the way my father hurt my mother. However due to both, my partner and me, leaving for research studies abroad on two different continents, me leaving to Africa and experiencing near life and death experiences and trauma, I was longing for some emotional shelter and my partner wasn't with me at that time. I ended up doing the biggest mistake in my life and looked for solace in somebody other than my partner and basically ended up cheating on him. As much as I hated myself for what I did, it ended up making me understand my father better and seeing him as a human being with flaws rather than the superman flawless father that I made him to be and that I was crushed about when I had to find out he was flawed. It took me forgiving myself and my father, which both took years, for my ex to be able to forgive me too.

So he indirectly and directly taught me so much about the human condition, forgiveness and empathy.

 

The relationship with my second ex was one I rushed into after my first relationship ended as I was not ready to deal with the aftermath of everything that had happened. He was a lovely person however we were a bad match. i was unhappy and so was he. It taught me that wonderful relationships are not self evident and that I should never take such thing for granted and to never ever settle for less. He further taught me that it is ok to not self sacrifice myself for the sake of a relationship.

 

My third and most recent ex taught me that no matter how amazing of a person you meet, if you are not in the right place in your life you won't be able to fully welcome them into your life. It taught me that all people come with past experience and scars and that tolerance equals empathy. Even if they choose not to be with you because they emotionally can't, rather than resent them, I was taught to empathize and understand we are all frail and that love and care in its highest from can be expressed by letting them go.

 

Interesting thread!

 

They've all made me wiser... And I'm grateful to each and everyone of them.

[erklat]

She taught me to become nonchalant and never

unconditionally love someone else but yourself.

 

Pain she inflicted put me on the road to success.

However it was not her accomplishment. It was

mine.

 

Today I can hardly imagine that woman can inflict

that much pain on me.

[Mondmellonw]

Not to accept abuse. Ever.