My heart is not broken. It's completely empty.

[DALIFAN]

I went abroad to europe due to work, as I had a temporary work employment there. While being there I met a wonderful man and I haven’t experienced anything like that before but if there is anything like “connection at first sight” this was it. We both felt the connection right away and from then we dated exclusively for the following 5 months.

From the beginning (2nd date) he was very adamant about finding out if I was going to leave the country soon or what exactly my situation was going to be, which I considered to be weird, as there seemed a certain kind of urgency while he was asking. I told him that I was here for a few more months, but I got am planning on possibly staying permanently, as I was very happy there. However I would have had to go back at least for a month or two to report back about my project. You should know about me that my life has been changing a lot the last years after uni and have been constantly feeling restless and moving from one place to the next. However this time I was ready to settle down at one place.

 

We were both certain from the start that we weren’t dating anybody else and everything was so easy between us and we felt like we’ve known each other since forever. To make this short every moment we spent together was beautiful.

 

However the more time passed things started getting a little harder… It was mainly due to me being at crossroads in my life and his past relationship history: 4 years ago he was in a relationship with a girl he met while traveling and she was from the US. She moved to Europe for him, however she wasn’t a US citizen but “only” a holder of a green card. If you live abroad for a longer period you run the risk of losing your green card so they started planning their move back to the US together. However due to a big family emergency she had to go back from one day to the other. and stay. He went with her for a few weeks and then had to go back to Europe.

 

As he didn’t have any qualifications or skills that would have been attractive enough for him to be able to move to the US and she couldn’t move back to him without losing her green card. The relationship was basically taken from both of them. They forcefully drifted apart. He fell into a hole, became clinically depressed and it went as far as him thinking about suicide. It was only with a lot of hard work, therapy, etc… that he got out of that hole after 3 years.

 

He completely kept himself from dating the next 3,5 years, concentrated on himself, got a degree, an amazing job and basically his life back. He tried dating a little and each time came up to the second date but it just never felt right to him and he threw in the towel.

 

Until he met me… However because of my situation with having to go back and though the permanent visa situation would have been easy for me, it would have still been a lengthy process, he started getting anxiety attacks each time we were apart. His fear of falling back into the same situation as in the past was killing him inside. And that whole situation was hard on me too….. I started getting scared too.. He said he hasn’t felt this happy for the last 4 years and that he cares about me and that he realised through me that he was able to have feelings for someone else again… I feel exactly the same… But he didn’t know how to overcome this fear without me having my visa. We both couldn’t take it anymore… It was torturous.

 

So we had to end it… I bought a ticket back home a few days later and left, as i couldnt bare to stay any longer and wanted to get on with my life.

 

 

Now what I need advice on:

 

I have always used emotional connections on a romantic level as distractions to keep me from concentrating on myself. The same applied to when I met this guy, however I didn’t expect to have real feelings and having to let go of something real… It hurts even more, as it made me realise that it doesn't matter how wonderful of a person I meet, I am at no place to allow them into my life, as my life is nothing like I wanted it to be right now and constantly changing. However it just kills me to know that I had to lose somebody I finally felt really connected to, for me to finally get it. I can't do this anymore, as I couldn't take it a second time around.

 

Since being back I have been working harder than I ever have at steering my life towards where I want it to be.. I feel like meeting him was a blessing. I have never seen as clearly and felt as motivated before to make my actual dreams come true as I have since meeting him and especially after losing him.

No matter how determined I am and excited about the future (which hasn't been the case for years), I feel like there is something missing inside of me…There is a certain emptiness accompanying me constantly. I am not constantly sad or crying but it feels like there is a whole… And it doesn’t help that we still keep in touch here and there as we both need to know that the other is doing well…

 

I don’t know how to let go of him of this feeling. We both care about each other. But he cannot deal with his fear and I cannot give him what he would need to get rid of this fear right away and I can’t be in a healthy relationship until my life has a certain stability to it.

 

 

I am 26 and he is 29. I have been in two previous relationships and he has been in one, that broke him.

 

Please help. I have gone trough break ups before, but this is different. It's so hard. I’m not really dealing with a broken heart. Rather an empty heart.