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Can’t understand, feeling awful + thinking of breaking NC


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Hallo everyone,

 

I wanted to share my story, hoping for any advice, insight or anything useful because I am thinking of breaking no contact.The last 2 months have been really bad for me, I am driving myself crazy with questions and thinking about what could I do.

 

 

We were together with my boyfriend for a little over 1 ½ years. I am in my mid 30s and he is 28. The relationship was very good. We did everything together, had fun, loved each other. He told me he loved me all the time, tried to keep me pleased, and so did I. He had introduced me to his parents and to all his friends as his girlfriend. We both have jobs, and he didn’t have any career changing or other future plans. I also didn’t pressure him, and he had plenty of time to see his friends.Sometimes he hesitated about the age difference, or was a little bit jealous, nothing unusual but we got over it, as we both agreed that we loved each other and we wanted a meaningful, serious relationship. We had broken up once last year, for about a month, because he was jealous, but he came back and I took him on the condition that I want a serious relationship and no back ‘n forth. He agreed and we were better than ever.

 

 

About two months ago (a year later), out of the blue, after a trip we had gone where everything was fine, he told me he wanted to break up with me. He said he thought our relationship was conventional, and that he didn’t feel attracted to me anymore. He also said he was dissatisfied because we hadn’t done some sexual kink he wanted, (most people don’t do it, but I had said I would think about it). Other than that, we were fine in that aspect. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean what the hell?? All this coming all of a sudden from someone that told me he loved me every day. He was really mean to me that day, and said a lot of nasty things. I couldn’t even recognize who he was. Finally, he said he would leave and find a girl that would give him, everything he wanted. I tried to confront him and make some sense, but he just got up and left.

 

I know that he wasn’t cheating on me, (I don’t know if he had any other girl in mind though). Our relationship was not boring. I believe he freaked out because we were getting closer, and maybe some of his friends convinced him that I was too serious for him and he should go with other girls.

 

After the breakup I went no contact immediately and I tried to move on, focusing on work, friends, hobbies, but I was in a bad state and didn’t feel any better. He didn’t contact me at all, and although I avoided it, I heard vaguely about him hanging out with friends (some of them being a lot younger than him 21-22), partying, getting stoned etc . I haven’t heard if he has a new girlfriend, and in general I try to avoid hearing anything.Unfortunately I can’t completely vanish and block him from everything, because we are both organizers for an educational project that is completed, but it will be presented in 2-3 events, in the following months.

 

Recently an employee contacted me for some information about the project. Normally I would inform my ex, but I didn’t do anything, as I was in NC.My ex heard about it, and sent me a message (in a quite angry tone) to inquire about the information. So I had to break no contact after 2 months, reply to him, and give him the information but nothing more.

 

I can’t understand why he was angry, and had the attitude towards me like I was the one in fault. Even the day we broke up, he had this attitude that it’s all my fault. I haven’t cheated on him or anything and always was good to him. Also I am puzzled from the fact that he contacted me. Could it mean that he is fishing for something? (He could avoid asking me, and ask the employee directly).

 

I am thinking of breaking NC and asking him for one last talk? Maybe? To know what the hell happened between us, but I m not sure. The fact that he is mean and insensitive, and could have another girl, aren’t going to make me feel better, but I can’t cope with the fact that he just left me like that. I think it would give me peace of mind. Maybe if I saw him I would feel repulsed and it would give me a reality check and help me to move on or something… I find it really hard with NC, as I am hurting more and more and I am miserable about the future. I really loved him, and I feel ripped apart.

 

Any insight and thoughts or advice would be appreciated :(

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this..

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I'm so you're hurting.you will go blue in the face from trying to understand why he's so angry, why so mean, etc. I don't think you will ever understand. He probably can't tell you either. My ex did the same after 6 years. Dumped callously and him being mean for months after, even though I begged him to stop. He didn't. I had to block him everywhere. Like you I tried to understand. All I got was he was hurting and couldn't control his emotions. It's quite common for them to act up.

 

My advice to.you is, he has shown you who he is. Believe him. Believe his actions, which are that of disrespect.

 

When you've done that block him everywhere. Cc him in your project related emails, but that's it.. Then take care of yourself.

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It's ultimately your choice, but I would advise against. In my case, my EX kept wanting to meet and chat (not because he wanted to get back together, but because he wanted to 'apologize' for treating my ****ty so he could feel better about himself). And I did meet up with him to talk because I figured it would help me put the puzzle pieces together of what happened, and maybe to get some closure. FALSE. I felt sooo much worse after meeting with him. Nothing got resolved. All I heard was excuses for his ****ty behavior, and he actually got defensive and tried to put things on me! In the end, we met AGAIN to talk and it went a little better, but I was left feeling that I let him get away with treating me like crap, and he still didn't want to be with me and work things out. And most of all, it felt like starting NC all over again each time.

 

Stay strong, things will get better over time. You deserve someone who won't change his mind on you. He sounds like a coward, and it's not something you want in a lover or a friend.

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always.1985

I'm so sorry you are going through this but please do not break NC!

I ended up sending a huge email to my ex and I did not receive the reply I would have hoped for! Instead it was a cold, horrible message and it made me feel so much worse. You have done so well not breaking NC for 2 months and then only for work purposes - don't slip up now!

Sometimes we have to accept that we may never have the answers we want.

You say he was nasty to you but you still tried to comfort him and make sense of the situation? You have clearly been the better person here and I think you need to walk away knowing you are better and stronger than this.

I really cannot imagine being with someone who gets annoyed for not wanting to do whatever he wants to do in the bedroom, especially if its something you would feel uncomfortable doing. He sounds very immature.

You deserve better than this and you know it :) stay strong and whatever you do, do not blame yourself for any of this! :D

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ExpatInItaly

I wouldn't try to meet him and talk. I think you will be opening up those wounds really wide all over again. He's showed you he doesn't care very much about your feelings; what if he's just as cruel and cold this time around too? I'm not sure you'll really get the answers you're seeking. I highly doubt he's going to be transparent now. I would bet he's just going repeat what he already told you. Do you really need to hear it twice?

 

Also, sometimes it's better not to know the real reasons. The truth really can hurt. I had an abrupt end to a long-term relationship a few years ago and at the time, I was totally confused and hurt by my ex's sudden change in behaviour. We've been mostly out of touch since then, but I made some recent discoveries about what was actually going on with him at the time of our break-up. In hindsight, I'm glad i didn't know the whole truth then; I would've been devastated. I've since moved on completely so hearing this news not long ago didn't affect me in any significant way. I just thank my lucky stars we ended it when we did! You'll get to that point too, OP.

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TaraMaiden2
.....Recently an employee contacted me for some information about the project. Normally I would inform my ex, but I didn’t do anything, as I was in NC.

Bad move....

 

My ex heard about it, and sent me a message (in a quite angry tone) to inquire about the information. So I had to break no contact after 2 months, reply to him, and give him the information but nothing more.

 

I can’t understand why he was angry, and had the attitude towards me like I was the one in fault. ......

 

In this case, for that specific reason alone, I can see why he might have been angry.

Please read the NC Guide (link in my signature).

(I would suggest you read it several times. )

 

The person originally responsible for writing it actually worked with his GF, although not in the same department.

She dumped him, and cheated on him (I believe) at a very vulnerable time in his life (a bereavement, I think). In any case, by the time he had implemented NC, it was she who was crawling up the walls in frustration at his handling of the break-up, not him.

 

In all things professional, you SHOULD maintain contact. Polite, distant, detached, business-like and formal. As if you really didn't know him at all.

 

" <his name>,

Please find attached communication received from *employee* regarding project.

 

<your name>"

 

And that's it.

 

 

I am thinking of breaking NC and asking him for one last talk? Maybe? To know what the hell happened between us, but I m not sure. ....

Absolutely not. It would have an totally detrimental, devastating and crippling effect on you, affect your work and debilitate you further. You would be back to square one. Lower, even....

 

 

… I find it really hard with NC, as I am hurting more and more and I am miserable about the future. I really loved him, and I feel ripped apart.

Unsurprising. Breaks of this kind rip your heart to shreds.

It's EXACTLY like withdrawing from taking drugs. It's awful...

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You don't want to break NC Hon. This guy has already dumped you twice and was an a-hole during it. He actions demonstrate that he doesn't respect you. There's been NO indications that he misses you or that relationship.

 

 

You should do some self exploration as to why you'd even consider reaching out to this person again vs. dating and meeting someone new. That relationship has already incurred two break ups. That means it's toxic and dysfunctional.

 

 

Also, understand that by contacting him again about ANOTHER reconciliation, you be viewed by him as-

 

 

* Needy and desperate

* Having no pride or self respect

* Will only stroke his ego

* He'll have a great laugh and share it w/all his buddies while laughing.

 

 

Don't do it. Focus on you and address areas you may need to. Then, date and find someone new. Lifes to short to recycle lousy relationships.

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He is 28 and maybe the kink was all there was to it, some men can get pretty focused on sex and the thought of years ahead with someone who was not on the same page sexually as them, can be a deal breaker.

 

As he has now gone to partying, drug taking 21-22yos for his kicks, I guess he also saw domesticity and seriousness looming ahead with you and he didn't like what he saw. He has now gone to the wild side and perhaps that is the real him at this stage in his life.

 

YOU are not going to get the closure you need here, and he may get even more nasty and personal, if you press it.

You may also find out stuff, you just do NOT want to hear - leave it be.

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Wow thank you, everyone for your responses! :bunny:

 

You gave me some courage and strength, and I am quite decided I won't break NC, because I pictured myself going to him after his nasty behavior, and I felt a sickening feeling.

Definitely not a way to respect myself. So I'll try to keep up with NC.

 

Bad move....

 

In this case, for that specific reason alone, I can see why he might have been angry.

 

 

In all things professional, you SHOULD maintain contact. Polite, distant, detached, business-like and formal. As if you really didn't know him at all.

 

" <his name>,

Please find attached communication received from *employee* regarding project.

 

<your name>"

 

And that's it.

 

 

Thank you.. I thought of telling him, but since the employee wanted just one simple thing, and I sent it and got the job done, I thought he wouldn't ask anything.

Because he was really nasty last time I saw him, and didn't give the impression he wanted to talk to me ever again.

Next time I will use the template above, it seems pretty professional and impersonal, and it dosen't make someone look irresponsible.

 

 

As he has now gone to partying, drug taking 21-22yos for his kicks, I guess he also saw domesticity and seriousness looming ahead with you and he didn't like what he saw. He has now gone to the wild side and perhaps that is the real him at this stage in his life.

 

 

It could be the case, that this is the real him at this stage of his life and ok maybe I can understand it.

I just wish he hadn't come back and was playing it so serious for example parading me around his parents all the time.

At any rate, if he indeed possesses this level of intelligence, it's better that I found out sooner than later.

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You and I are going through similar situations. My ex is about to be 29 this week and I'm in mid-30s. He, too, blindsided me by ending the relationship without explanation. We never fought, I've met his parents and family and things had been good (so I thought). Luckily, I don't have to work with him like you have to work with yours.

 

I'm entering the third week since our break up as well as no contact. It's hard - some of the hardest few weeks of my life! Of course we want answers, but unfortunately, we're not going to get them. I've completely blocked him out of my life (no social media, no nothing). However, I did hear from a mutual friend that he's been pretty distraught about it (why is HE upset - He's the one that ended it and in a crappy way too!) I suspect I'll be hearing from him soon and I'm terrified to deal with it as I know it will be more hurtful than helpful.

 

Be strong. There's no better FU to him then silence, (or professionalism within the work place in your case) and taking care of yourself and finding your own happiness. Partying with 21-yr olds? Really? That's pretty lame...

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You and I are going through similar situations. My ex is about to be 29 this week and I'm in mid-30s. He, too, blindsided me by ending the relationship without explanation. We never fought, I've met his parents and family and things had been good (so I thought). Luckily, I don't have to work with him like you have to work with yours.

 

I'm entering the third week since our break up as well as no contact. It's hard - some of the hardest few weeks of my life! Of course we want answers, but unfortunately, we're not going to get them. I've completely blocked him out of my life (no social media, no nothing). However, I did hear from a mutual friend that he's been pretty distraught about it (why is HE upset - He's the one that ended it and in a crappy way too!) I suspect I'll be hearing from him soon and I'm terrified to deal with it as I know it will be more hurtful than helpful.

 

Be strong. There's no better FU to him then silence, (or professionalism within the work place in your case) and taking care of yourself and finding your own happiness. Partying with 21-yr olds? Really? That's pretty lame...

 

Our situations are very similar and I feel your pain. Like you, I'm also going through the hardest few weeks I've ever had for a looong time.

It must be hard for you that you heard he was upset. Try not to chase him or anything!

You are strong, if I had heard that he was distraught I would have been softened by emotion and run to talk things out.

Luckily the fact that he 's doing lame stuff, has turned me off.

 

The fact that my head keeps spinning with questions and I can't stop thinking ''how can it be like this?'' when ''it was like that'', is producing my pain.

 

But ok, I will plod along with NC, what else can I do..

 

Luckily I don't have to see him all the time, he's at another department, and I can just send impersonal mails, when it's needed.

 

Stay strong and take care

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