itsallnewtome Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 hey guys . I'm stuck on this . my ex girlfriend is asking for friendship 6 months later . I'm awfully hurt still and have rejected the friendship, but I fear any chance of her seeing my changed self and regaining respect and attraction for me will be squashed by my ignoring her .... everything she's said has told me she no longer wants a relationship and isn't hoping for a possible reconciliation in the future . but i know she really cares about me, that's definite . what we had was truly great , I admit that i have hope that if we re connected as friends she would see these changes I've made and her feelings for me would re surface. I've ignored/declined all signals she's given me asking for friendship/trying to reconnect however small they were (asked in person when we bumped into eachother if I was ready to talk again as friends, added me on facebook , "liked" a post of mine on Instagram , texted me saying it was nice to see me after I bumped into her ) I've done this because I know accepting her friendship while I truly want so much more than that would be awful for my mental health, knowing that she really is likely only interested in a platonic relationship . but I don't want her to start thinking I don't care any more .. I've changed a lot since the breakup, recognised a lot of behaviours of mine that helped ruin our perfect relationship. a lot of things that make me think damn ! I had a lot to learn still! still , I took the break up well for the most part , kept the respect of her , her family and friends , no anger craziness begging pleading crying , anything of the sort . i was clearly very sad however . so yeah. I'm not sure whether I should; message her and tell her straight , that I'm still awful into her and don't know if I'll ever be able to be just her friend, or, keep her in the dark like she is right now and stay with NC, (which I feel is kind of mean seeing as we mean a lot to eachother) or, accept the friendship and try to show her subtely that I've changed and try to spark her attraction for me again. thoughts ? thanks for your message, if you send one. Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Tell her you're not interested in "just friends" and you want her (please do it more like James Bond than Ross from Friends) to stop contacting you in a purely platonic sense, you will get absolutely NOWHERE as her friend. This kind of thing happens a lot, make it work for you - you've done great so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
catlady11 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 If it were me I would straight up tell her that you want more than a platonic friendship; tell her it's either all or nothing and leave the ball in her court. If she asks why then tell her how you've changed. Be honest in your communication and expect the same from her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You're not over her at all. Going from "lovers" to "friends" is a recipe for further mental anguish. I will also add that you continuing to have ANY contact with her is holding you back from ever getting over her and that "perfect" relationship. It wasn't perfect as she ended it because she didn't feel it was. You should really consider blocking her on everything so you don't see any contact or likes or whatever on social media. She's being brutally honest in suggesting to be "friends" which I think is a bit odd. Not many dumpers want to "hang out" with someone they know longer want a romantic relationship with. You should take all your positive changes and promote them in your dating life while looking for someone new vs. staying stuck, thinking about you ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You're not over her at all. Going from "lovers" to "friends" is a recipe for further mental anguish. I will also add that you continuing to have ANY contact with her is holding you back from ever getting over her and that "perfect" relationship. It wasn't perfect as she ended it because she didn't feel it was. You should really consider blocking her on everything so you don't see any contact or likes or whatever on social media. She's being brutally honest in suggesting to be "friends" which I think is a bit odd. Not many dumpers want to "hang out" with someone they know longer want a romantic relationship with. You should take all your positive changes and promote them in your dating life while looking for someone new vs. staying stuck, thinking about you ex. Please take this advice. You want pain? Wait'll you see a pic of her with her new bf on social media. Save yourself the anguish. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think " being friends" is extremely OVER RATED. They jyst want a fallback option. Link to post Share on other sites
thekarmacist Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 in order for you to get back together, you need to form a NEW relationship. that means starting from SQUARE ONE, AS FRIENDS. all this bs about demanding a rematch relationship right away is silly, illogical, and no one in their right mind would jump in full speed ahead after time apart. when you first get interested in someone, so you head straight for relationship? no, you get to know each other, develop trust. take the offer of friendship if you're willing to start from square one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsallnewtome Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 in order for you to get back together, you need to form a NEW relationship. that means starting from SQUARE ONE, AS FRIENDS. all this bs about demanding a rematch relationship right away is silly, illogical, and no one in their right mind would jump in full speed ahead after time apart. when you first get interested in someone, so you head straight for relationship? no, you get to know each other, develop trust. take the offer of friendship if you're willing to start from square one. that also makes sense . I think eventually I will do this , but while I'm still crazy about her trying to rebuild the relationship may have the potential to damage me too much more . I'll have to wait till I'm at a place where losing her or gaining her will not matter so much. it'll have to be a long time of more NC, and risking the possibility that she meets someone new , but also giving me the chance to meet other girls too . then , maybe another 6 months down the line we could meet up again and I may be in a better place, and who knows, the chemistry may still be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 in order for you to get back together, you need to form a NEW relationship. that means starting from SQUARE ONE, AS FRIENDS. all this bs about demanding a rematch relationship right away is silly, illogical, and no one in their right mind would jump in full speed ahead after time apart. when you first get interested in someone, so you head straight for relationship? no, you get to know each other, develop trust. take the offer of friendship if you're willing to start from square one. And in the meantime, you two can become friends. You can meet for coffee and have great conversations and then she has to leave to go get ready for a date. Or you can meet up with a group at a sports bar and she happens to bring her new boyfriend with her. Seeing him with his arm around her, bending over to whisper something in her ear and see her giggle at what he had to say as you sit at the bar eating beer nuts. Yeah, that's sounds like a great time. Dude, stay NC until you are healed. Until you get to a point of indifference with her. Where everything I described above would roll off you like water on a ducks ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsallnewtome Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 And in the meantime, you two can become friends. You can meet for coffee and have great conversations and then she has to leave to go get ready for a date. Or you can meet up with a group at a sports bar and she happens to bring her new boyfriend with her. Seeing him with his arm around her, bending over to whisper something in her ear and see her giggle at what he had to say as you sit at the bar eating beer nuts. Yeah, that's sounds like a great time. Dude, stay NC until you are healed. Until you get to a point of indifference with her. Where everything I described above would roll off you like water on a ducks ass. yep , that's pretty much my thoughts exactly . gonna have to wait a long time before ever speaking to her. maybe I'll never be able to again. if I do I'll have to be at a place where she can sense I'm not pining for her. I'm thinking of sending her an email, explaining that I'm not ready for talking again just yet.. not sure whether to do that or just leave her be. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 NO! Just disappear. Be a ghost. You need to block her from ALL of your social media. You write her an email, then she's going to get pissed; then, view your email as pathetic all the while giving her an ego stroke "Ohhh, he can't get over me. That's so sad." Your silence will speak volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
thekarmacist Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 ....and having her talk about some other guy(s) is the SAME risk you took when the two of you first met. give me a break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsallnewtome Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 ....and having her talk about some other guy(s) is the SAME risk you took when the two of you first met. give me a break. when we first met I wasn't in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsallnewtome Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 NO! Just disappear. Be a ghost. You need to block her from ALL of your social media. You write her an email, then she's going to get pissed; then, view your email as pathetic all the while giving her an ego stroke "Ohhh, he can't get over me. That's so sad." Your silence will speak volumes. good point . thank you . Link to post Share on other sites
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