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Maintaining friendship after the end of a LTR


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Her Bridges

Hi everyone. I'm looking for some advice on how to address a particular small issue.

 

Back story, I just ended a 7 year relationship with my now xBF. It was a relationship that turned rocky due to us being young (26/29), going through the personal changes that come at the 20's but not growing in the relationship because both of us were taking our relationship for granted. We were apathetic, we fought, but in the end when we decided to call it quits it was very civil because we both realized exactly how much we had contributed to the demise of the relationship.

 

We have shared obligations, friends, and pets so we still interact quite regularly. The friendship in our relationship didn't die, just the romantic part. However I worry about how he is handling the breakup. Where I am comfortable alone and trying to "get my **** together" I wonder if he is. I'm getting regular texts from him all throughout the day - more frequently than when we were together. He is being much more happy-go-lucky and making much more of an effort to go out and do things, like day trips or see movies, enthusiasm which died off during the relationship... and he wants to make many of those plans with me. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be in good spirits so we can each move on, but the excess enthusiasm feels a little "off."

 

I don't want to push him away as we are good friends, but I can't figure out if he's trying to compensate for the relationship by being more... almost attentive... now, or if in losing the burden of the relationship he has turned back to his old self and there's no subconscious motive here.

 

Help?!

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snip:

 

Where I am comfortable alone and trying to "get my **** together" I wonder if he is. *I'm getting regular texts from him all throughout the day - more frequently than when we were together. He is being much more happy-go-lucky and making much more of an effort to go out and do things, like day trips or see movies, enthusiasm which died off during the relationship... and he wants to make many of those plans with me. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be in good spirits so we can each move on, but the excess enthusiasm feels a little "off."

 

 

Help?!

 

I would say that his behaviour comes under the heading of Manic Defences.

 

Unable to tolerate the pain of the breakup, he is attempting to fly above it.

 

He will eventually crash.

 

Perhaps then, he'll be able to grieve.

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I don't want to push him away as we are good friends, but I can't figure out if he's trying to compensate for the relationship by being more... almost attentive... now, or if in losing the burden of the relationship he has turned back to his old self and there's no subconscious motive here.

 

Help?!

I don't think you're good friends.

 

First, the romantic ties define the relationship, and friendship is just a byproduct of the romance. It is better to call it kinship, because this friendship is more intimate than any friendship that does not include romance.

 

Second, when your good friend comes over for the last time and says

I've decided that I don't want to see you the same way any more. We've grown apart, we have different interests, and my future doesn't include you being so close anymore. No hard feelings, and good luck! I'll see you around.
then I hate to break it to you, but that person is not your good friend anymore.

 

So, like Satu says, your ex is in a virulent form of denial, or he's getting some advice to present a portrait that makes you think he's changed. Either that, or you were friends all along, and he hasn't had romantic feelings for you in a long, long time, and has viewed you as a friend, and he is so relieved now that he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in you anymore. I don't believe that, but it's possible.

 

You should ask him point-blank why it is that he wants you to think that breaking up with you after 7 years together doesn't affect him, and either way, why is he still trying to make plans with you?

 

Maybe by doing this, you'll get him to face his new reality, and he can start acting more normally. Or at the very least, you'll know where he's coming from.

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Her Bridges
I don't think you're good friends.

 

First, the romantic ties define the relationship, and friendship is just a byproduct of the romance. It is better to call it kinship, because this friendship is more intimate than any friendship that does not include romance.

 

Second, when your good friend comes over for the last time and saysthen I hate to break it to you, but that person is not your good friend anymore.

 

So, like Satu says, your ex is in a virulent form of denial, or he's getting some advice to present a portrait that makes you think he's changed. Either that, or you were friends all along, and he hasn't had romantic feelings for you in a long, long time, and has viewed you as a friend, and he is so relieved now that he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in you anymore. I don't believe that, but it's possible.

 

You should ask him point-blank why it is that he wants you to think that breaking up with you after 7 years together doesn't affect him, and either way, why is he still trying to make plans with you?

 

Maybe by doing this, you'll get him to face his new reality, and he can start acting more normally. Or at the very least, you'll know where he's coming from.

 

I do feel like the relationship fell back into a friendship the past year or so, loss of romantic affection, we just kind of hung out instead of actually "dating."

 

We have discussed how things went wrong, he says he's wanting to work on himself to fix them. The breakup definitely affected both of us during the breakup, he's said he is accepting the loss of a girlfriend but doesn't want to lose his best friend.

 

I will have to broach the subject with him about this, you're right. Any suggestions on how to go about it?

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Let me start by saying that I think it's entirely possible to be friends with an ex, my first husband is one of my best friends. BUT, there has to be a period of mourning the loss of the romantic relationship before reestablishing a platonic one. And this is really only possible with NC for a period of time. It sounds harsh, but your ex is in such denial, I think anything less would just stunt his recovery. One of the hardest parts of breaking up IS losing the close friendship, but trying to act like nothing happened will only hurt him in the long run. How is he going to feel, after all, when you start seeing someone else and begin to become THAT person's best friend?

 

My suggestion is to just tell him what you wrote here. That you want to remain friends, but are concerned that his way of dealing with the relationship's demise will ultimately hold you both back. And take it from there.

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Id rather eat glass than waste time being "friends" with an ex and being used.

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Her Bridges
Id rather eat glass than waste time being "friends" with an ex and being used.

 

Are you implying I'm using him, or he using me?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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