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How long until it's no longer considered a rebound?


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wendydarling

So I am on day 15 of NC right now, but the BU happened about a month and a half ago. In that time, I've had my fair share of breakdowns and tears and heartache, and at times felt like I wasn't able to cry anymore. I started with NC because I got my answer that he did not want to get back together. I had been preparing myself for that answer, so although it hurt for the first couple of days or so, I bounced back pretty quickly, because after all, we were already broken up before that so it's not like anything had changed. Overall, since I got my answer and wasn't stuck in limbo anymore, I have felt soooo much better in the past 2 weeks.

 

I've read advice by numerous people on many threads that said that going on dates can be helpful, as it allows you to get out there and hang out and maybe even see for yourself that there ARE other people out there...after all, you can be told that there are other fish in the sea until the people telling you are blue in the face, but that's something that you have to discover by yourself.

 

Anyway, so about 5 days ago, I joined an online dating website. I wasn't even necessarily looking to go on a date, I just thought that it would boost my self esteem a little to see what was out there and have a few conversations with people who seemed nice, and to prove to myself that there are people out there with the same qualities that I liked in my ex. Anyway, about a day after I had my profile up, this one guy messaged me and we've been talking back and forth since. He asked me yesterday if I would like to hang out and get coffee tomorrow, and I'm not sure what to do. I know that one date (or even a few for that matter) do not a relationship make. But I don't know if 1.5 months after a BU/15 days of NC is necessarily the right time to go on a "date."

 

This got me thinking...not even necessarily about this guy, but hypothetically for me or maybe non-hypothetically for someone else reading this who might be in a similar situation. In the case of this guy, who knows, maybe I will end up not getting along with him for whatever reason. But what happens if someone hypothetically just goes on one date with someone...and then it leads to another date and another date and eventually more? At what point would something like that not be considered a rebound? Should I even go tomorrow? I would really appreciate input from all of you, because I've been struggling with this since he asked.

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There's no real time line as everyone's situation is different, the important thing is to enjoy yourself without any expectations, early engagements can be exciting or sometimes empty, depending on your frame of mind, so if you're ready and frankly the earlier you start, the better in most case, tell yourself you're awesome an go have fun! ;)

 

 

I met someone 2 months after the end of my previous relationship and by the time the ex came back a month later, I wasn't even interested.

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It depends on many things..

 

Are you honestly ready to date?

 

Do you still pin over your ex?

 

I dont see a date hurting at all. If you connect well then you can go from there. Nobody is forcing you to do or feel anything. But a date with single people never hurt anybody. Just be honest with the guy too if it really starts to go somewhere.

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wendydarling

Thank you to both of you! In response to your questions, Dudearino, I don't pine over him anymore, nor do I want him back. Of course I still think about him from time to time, but I've realized that he broke my trust and that's not something that he can ever get back. I feel like I'm ready to go on a date, yes, but that's part of the issue. I don't know how I'd feel on the chance that that date turns into more dates and then who knows. Of course, there's no guarantee that that is going to happen, and it might not. But I always tend to overthink things a lot lol, that's part of the reason why I wanted other people's opinions! I just know what it's like to be hurt by someone else so I wouldn't want to put someone else's feelings in jeopardy if it DID turn into something else and then I realized, hey maybe I did this too soon.

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LoveAnimals

Girl, go on that date! I too just joined an online site after my 5 yr relationship ended 6 weeks ago. Its a great esteem booster AND you get to realize that it is possible to meet someone else you like and have a connection. Try not to overthink about where this could lead, just enjoy yourself and take it day by day. Have fun!

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I'm so happy to see this thread! It's so refreshing to see people say F-it and move on after getting dumped vs. crying at home for months and months over some douche ex.

 

 

The fact that you were able to sign up on the dating site speaks volumes about your ability to go on a date. I couldn't even THINK about dating again after the first few weeks post getting dumped. I then pulled out of it and said to myself "if she didn't want me, her loss, there's plenty who will"..

 

 

I think I had my first date 5-6 weeks after she dumped me. It was SSOO good for me and my self esteem. I imminently felt better and it kept me in NC w/the ex. A few months after the break up, I met my now 2 year GF who I live with. I couldn't be happier. I upgraded in all areas over my ex.

 

 

The best part, I was with my now GF when this ex who dumped me came back after me with dumpers remorse 5-6 months after ending us. It felt great to say to her "Yea, no"..

 

 

Go on the date and have fun! It's only a date and is a first step to getting back on track and on w/you life.

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It's not a rebound anymore if you find yourself in a position to want to start dating someone else again. If you feel like you are ready for opening yourself up to new love then absolutely go for it! It's only a rebound if you are still obsessively thinking about your ex wishing the new guy was him and wanting your ex in your life still. However if you've come to terms that your ex is your ex and that it's over and done with then it's not a rebound. Rebounds are what people have who still haven't reached acceptance yet. They still think of their ex's all the time, compare their ex's to their new date and only use it as a temporary fix.

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Thank you to both of you! In response to your questions, Dudearino, I don't pine over him anymore, nor do I want him back. Of course I still think about him from time to time, but I've realized that he broke my trust and that's not something that he can ever get back. I feel like I'm ready to go on a date, yes, but that's part of the issue. I don't know how I'd feel on the chance that that date turns into more dates and then who knows. Of course, there's no guarantee that that is going to happen, and it might not. But I always tend to overthink things a lot lol, that's part of the reason why I wanted other people's opinions! I just know what it's like to be hurt by someone else so I wouldn't want to put someone else's feelings in jeopardy if it DID turn into something else and then I realized, hey maybe I did this too soon.

 

Granted you might not be pining over him, but like Roseheart said if you haven't reached acceptance you might not be in the right mindset.

 

I would still go out have a good evening. If its someone you click with just take it slow, but be open!

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So I am on day 15 of NC right now, but the BU happened about a month and a half ago. In that time, I've had my fair share of breakdowns and tears and heartache, and at times felt like I wasn't able to cry anymore. I started with NC because I got my answer that he did not want to get back together. I had been preparing myself for that answer, so although it hurt for the first couple of days or so, I bounced back pretty quickly, because after all, we were already broken up before that so it's not like anything had changed. Overall, since I got my answer and wasn't stuck in limbo anymore, I have felt soooo much better in the past 2 weeks.

 

I've read advice by numerous people on many threads that said that going on dates can be helpful, as it allows you to get out there and hang out and maybe even see for yourself that there ARE other people out there...after all, you can be told that there are other fish in the sea until the people telling you are blue in the face, but that's something that you have to discover by yourself.

 

Anyway, so about 5 days ago, I joined an online dating website. I wasn't even necessarily looking to go on a date, I just thought that it would boost my self esteem a little to see what was out there and have a few conversations with people who seemed nice, and to prove to myself that there are people out there with the same qualities that I liked in my ex. Anyway, about a day after I had my profile up, this one guy messaged me and we've been talking back and forth since. He asked me yesterday if I would like to hang out and get coffee tomorrow, and I'm not sure what to do. I know that one date (or even a few for that matter) do not a relationship make. But I don't know if 1.5 months after a BU/15 days of NC is necessarily the right time to go on a "date."

 

This got me thinking...not even necessarily about this guy, but hypothetically for me or maybe non-hypothetically for someone else reading this who might be in a similar situation. In the case of this guy, who knows, maybe I will end up not getting along with him for whatever reason. But what happens if someone hypothetically just goes on one date with someone...and then it leads to another date and another date and eventually more? At what point would something like that not be considered a rebound? Should I even go tomorrow? I would really appreciate input from all of you, because I've been struggling with this since he asked.

 

I'm in the exact same boat as you. 3 weeks no contact because he just didn't wanna be with me. I'm doing NC to heal. I joined dating sites too and question if I'm 100% ready or not. I joined for the same reasons as you. if you were to jump into a relationship without any consideration of the persons feelings and were pining for your ex that would be a rebound. Doesn't sound like the case. I wouldn't get too hung up on categorizing as rebound vs not rebound. I would try to just date guys, enjoy their company, see different personalities and not put any pressure on it or worrying about labeling as rebound. I say go on the dates and have fun! A little ego boost can't help. You seem like a smart enough cookie.

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GypsyGirl966

Wendy,

 

Late April my 17+ year relationship ended, and I have been out dating, and it does help. It helps a lot to realize that men find me intelligent, funny, attractive, interesting, etc. I too went the 'online' route as it seems more simple and 'clean' than people I already know and/or friends setting up dates. I am upfront with everyone that I am fragile right now, clueless about how to be single after all of this time, and I'm only out looking to meet new people -- nothing more -- but that I am also open to the idea of it developing into something more than friendship in time. Direct, honest, respectful communication reduces the chances of hurt feelings later. Just my $.02.

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wendydarling

Thank you so much to everyone for chiming in! I am definitely in the acceptance stage - I realize that my ex is my ex and I wouldn't take him back even if he came riding up on a horse with flowers and chocolates and a giant stuffed teddy bear. He sooo doesn't deserve me after what he did :laugh:. I'm going to go tomorrow and I am very thankful for everyone for their opinions!

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Thank you so much to everyone for chiming in! I am definitely in the acceptance stage - I realize that my ex is my ex and I wouldn't take him back even if he came riding up on a horse with flowers and chocolates and a giant stuffed teddy bear. He sooo doesn't deserve me after what he did :laugh:. I'm going to go tomorrow and I am very thankful for everyone for their opinions!

 

 

 

You go girl! Have a good time. Don't take it too seriously either. It's a date, a chance to get out w/the opposite sex, have some laughs and a good time. My first date post break up was fun. She had a good sense of humor and just laughing so hard again made me feel alive. Of course, I had to fight her off me when I walked her to her car! I kept saying "look, no means NO lady"! Ok, the last part was meant to be funny!

 

 

We're proud of ya!

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I have a slightly different point of view. It all depends... how long were you and your ex dating ? Were you just dating or did you think there were more serious plans looking ahead? Did you ever talk to him about moving in together, getting engaged or having children?

 

Each RS is different, but I am a firm believer in taking my time to cry and heal. I think dating new people puts things into perspective and makes one realize that the past belongs to the past, which is fantastic. However dating cannot and does not have the magic power of erasing the pain in your heart. Only time can do that. Time and coming to terms with what happened.

 

I think you not only can but should go out and go on dates. You will see how you feel about them. If too soon or if ok, already up and running. I've dated my last guy for 5 months. He was dead serious and was talking about buying a place together and long term plans. He wanted children in the short term (1 year). However, after 5 months of dating and a few days before flying to meet my parents, he told me he doesn't think he ever wants to get married. That was a huge blow to me, especially because we've had similar talks about this and he never gave me that answer. Of course I am hurt. Of course I resent him and of course I understand why he preferred to withhold that information, especially when I have asked very clear and specific question the second or third date. Bottom line is, despite his deception... we've had a great RS. One of the best, sanest I've ever been into. And I am not ashamed to admit that I have had dates and I have a hard time connecting to other men - almost 2-3 months post break up and 2-3 months of NC (I immediately cut all ties up and vanished). I need more time to digest, I am gutted by what happened. A reasonable amount of time passed, but I don't feel ready. I just... want to hang out with friends, enjoy the summer and just... let the time heal the wounds. I'm... gutted. There is no other word. Had I known the truth, I wouldn't have been with him on another date after the first one. I wouldn't have for sure bought tickets to see my mom and dad and for sure I wouldn't have spend my money on fancy tickets to South of France - I canceled everything on spot, trips, hols, everything...

 

i think... it all depends on how you feel. Just listen to yourself and do not be afraid to accept the pain if you're in a bad spot. Pain will always catch up with you, sooner or later. So be brave. I agree that dating makes us come to terms that it's over. That there are other people, different, younger, older, worse or better out there... but dating is only a diversion, something to keep our mind busy from going back to reliving the past - which is great... however it does not have the magic power of erasing the pain we still feel after the break up. That pain belongs to you. Own it before it owns you...

 

There is no shame in sitting in a corner and crying, if that's where you are at. Cry your heart out. Then get out of the house and give yourself the luxury of time. Hang out with friends and do stuff you like. Reconnect with yourself. Cry some more if you still feel like it. Be good to yourself. And when and if you're ready, go out again and maybe go on some dates. There's no point in rushing. I still have the taste of ashes in my throat when I go on dates. Don't get me wrong, I am not sentimental, I understand what I did wrong and what happened. I have zero expectations of reconciliations and am slowly working my way into forgiving him and finally letting this story behind me. Bottom line is that I'm taking my time. To digest what happened, to heal, to reconnect with myself. Maybe it's also matter of meeting the right man, who knows...

 

One thing's for sure - I am done running from myself. I'm ready when I'm ready, not a moment sooner. Try to listen to yourself as much as you can, ok?

 

And please, do not mistake dating with getting yourself in a new relationship. Take it easy...

 

Best of luck

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wendydarling
I have a slightly different point of view. It all depends... how long were you and your ex dating ? Were you just dating or did you think there were more serious plans looking ahead? Did you ever talk to him about moving in together, getting engaged or having children?

 

We were together for just shy of a year, and we had never talked about any of the above. I am way past the stage of sitting in a corner and crying; as I mentioned earlier, I had time to start healing even before I got my actual no answer, because I was expecting it. I've had my days of sitting in a corner and crying, but I'm now over them. I don't want him back. He doesn't deserve me back after what he pulled. I'm not going into this thinking that dating is a new relationship. All I was saying is that on the off-chance that it DOES turn into something more (which is certainly possible, as is the possibility of me deciding that I don't like him...so many different things could happen) I didn't want to get to a point where I realized that I should have waited and end up hurting someone else. I know what it feels like to be hurt and I'd never wish that on anyone. So I just wanted to get people's opinions on it. Thank you for your good luck! :)

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wendydarling

Update: So I went yesterday and he was a very nice guy and I enjoyed talking to him. However, it threw me :( It's not even that I'm not over my ex, it's just...completely weird being used to having someone next to you for a year and then all of the sudden you look over and it's someone completely different. It freaked me out and I'm in such a weird mood today and I can't even describe what it is.

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Whether it's a rebound is not a function of the passage of time. It's a rebound when there is a hole in the person's life caused by the absence of the EX that they are desperate to fill with just anybody solely so they are not alone. By the time I end relationships I am usually so emotionally done that I don't need much time to heal so I date again rather quickly. If there is no emotional fear of being alone, & the new relationship is because the new person on their own merits is someone they want to date, then it's not a rebound.

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Good for you for going Wendy. What you felt and are still feeling is absolutely normal. I felt the same way. Trust me, it passes quickly.

 

 

Understand that you're going thru the emotions of that break up still and will be for a few months. Just roll with them and enjoy dating again.

 

 

I say it all the time. EVERYONE that's out dating is at some stage of getting over their last relationship.

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