Recent dumpee after 4 years

[buddha84]

I decided that I will share my story and maybe some people can give me comments/advice.

 

So, first I'll give you all some background. My ex and I share an apartment together. We still have 2 months left on the lease due to when we gave the 60 day notice. Around July 2nd-3rd, I had a friend over, and after he left, I was about to go into the other room when I get the "I really need to talk to you about something". So we sit down, and she says she needs a break, that she loves me but is not in love with me, and how hard it is for her to do this.

 

I of course start crying myself and I'm completely blindsided. She said that she has been wanting to do this for a while (almost the whole year), and that she had really detached from the relationship this last month.

 

There were problems in the relationship of course: I hadn't applied for any new jobs, was stuck in a deadend job, smoking pot every day, and I had grown a lot of anxiety about going out anywhere. She would ask me if I wanted to go out to places, and I would be too stoned and say no. She also smoked a lot of pot, but all of this just made me the party of no. I also stated to exhibit depression and every day that I would come home, I'd complain about work, and just wouldn't listen to her. I was constantly criticizing a certain worker and just being really negative (this has since stopped since I've started doing meditation and this coworker and me are actually friends now haha - they have been there for me through the breakup).

 

So after the break up, I of course had times when I acted psycho, texted too much, mean things were said, kind things were said. She left the apartment for a while, but now we are both living together but in different rooms.

 

We will often talk for hours when she is around, and even hang out, but she has made it clear she wants to date other people and be single. A lot of the changes in her started when she started seeing a therapist and hanging out with a lot of divorced people. She also has a divorced sponsor in her al-anon group.

 

I'm just in a position where I am constantly feeling hurt because I can't move out since I don't make a lot of money, but I also still have feelings for her. We will talk and she'll get that "you are looking good" look in her eyes and seem to be checking me out. We both attended the same university, like the same shows, collect books, etc etc. It's just a hard situation. Since we have broken up, I've also lost a good bit of weight due to running, working out, got a promotion to a higher position with more pay, go out a lot more, and she has even dropped "maybe we should have just talked about things and I shouldn't have broken up". I feel like a lot of damage was done in the first few weeks from my initial reaction to the breakup.

 

The hardest thing is with us living together. She went to sign off on the 60 day notice, and said that she felt really sad doing it. She will still even say that she loves me, etc. I know I just need to move out and move on, but it's all just really messing with my head. I've taken up studying for my MBA, playing a lot of guitar, I'm in really great shape now - but mentally I still feel the ups and down and I'm still a mess. She seems really moved on and doesn't want the relationship anymore, yet she will also seem really indecisive. I look at myself after the breakup, and I look at her, and she is still smoking pot, has gained probably 20+ lbs, isn't writing or doing anything she said she needed to do, and just seems to be doing the same old.

 

There's more, obviously, since it was a 4 year relationship, but I don't want to create a novel.

 

--edit: I just saw the article on GIGS and this fits it to a T. She is 24 going on 25, and I'm 30. It's depressing to read that and realize it, but I just have to start working on moving out and get on with my life, I'm now seeing.

Edited August 1, 2015 by buddha84

[Bito]

That's good that you are doing better. Seems like you found a good stride into improving yourself.

 

I would keep at it and do your best to avoid conversations with your ex. Don't fall for the breadcrumbs, she just wants to know that you are an option in her back pocket.

 

Best of luck.