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Dumped because of depression...now ex wants to talk


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banana.bread

About a month and a week ago, my girlfriend (she is 22) of one year broke up with me (I am 24) because I have become depressed and am not the same person that she fell in love with. I feel betrayed and confused, as she acted like nothing was wrong until the very end.

 

Here is a little background information. We met on a university trip last May and became very close, very quickly. We started dating in the summer. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship as she was going to do a semester abroad in January, but we agreed to continue dating and breakup before she left so she could figure things out and maybe come back to me once she returned home. During the time that we dated, we both fell madly in love with each other. I truly believed that this woman was my soul mate and she felt the same. We were together every day and had an amazing time with each other.

 

I begged her not to breakup when she left for her semester abroad, but she did anyway and I accepted it. We didn't talk for a few weeks, and it was very hard for me to find motivation and a purpose. I had just graduated from university when she left and felt alone and aimless with no job prospects or my girlfriend. I did end up getting a job, but not one in my field. We started talking again about a month after she left and it felt like we never broke up and were still in a relationship. She decided that she wanted to get back together, even though she wasn't planning on it until she came home and said that she was 100% sure that she would get back together with me when she came home because I was "the love of her life". She said that she thought a lot about our relationship since she left and realized how much I ment to her and how much she loved me. So, 5 weeks after she left, we were back together.

 

Everything seemed to go back to normal. We were back to ourselves; talking everyday on skype and messenger, and dreaming of her arrival home so we can finally be together without an expiry date. Over the next few months, I started getting depressed. I grew to hate my current job, started growing apart from my friends, stopped playing sports and felt anxiety about my future career oppurtunities. I did not hide this from my girlfriend and she supported me as much as she could, but I didn't let it be the focus of all our conversations.

 

About 2 months before she came back, I started sensing something about her that wasn't there before. She was distant, but it wasn't very obvious. She's not a confrontational person or a great communicator, and throughout our relationship whenever I would sense that something was "off" I would ask her about it. It usually took me a while to get it out of her, which would give me anxiety. So, I started asking her what was wrong. She would just brush off my questions and that's when I started getting anxious. She would assure me that everything was fine and change the subject. About a month before she came home, she called me and told me that she was thinking of going away to work at a camp for the summer. I was very stunned and hurt by this, since she had been gone for 5 months already and she had been saying all this time about how much she was looking forward to spending the summer with me. I didn't voice my opinion, but I thought it was very selfish of her to leave again and considered whether I should break up with her. I told her that I felt like she did not want to be with me anymore, and that she was trying to get away from me. She denied this and explained how much she loved camp, to which I responded that she should go and I do not want to hold her back. She decided against it.

 

As her arrival back home got closer and closer, we both got more and more excited. We could finally be together without anything standing in our way. My anxiety levels were through the roof at this time and I could not tell whether my job (I have a very emotionally draining job) was making me anxious or if it was her arrival home. So, after 5 months of talking everyday on skype, she finally came home. When I picked her up from the airport, something between us felt different. I felt like I was in a haze, and she was standing right there, but the same feeling that had before she left wasn't there anymore. I could now very much sense that something was different, and it wasn't my imagination. My anxiety rose every day. 2 days after she came back, I was at her place, and I flat out asked her what was wrong. It took a while for her to spit it out (no surprise). She said that me being sad has been making her depressed as well. She said that every time she is around me she starts feeling down as well and that she did not want that. She sounded resentful and angry with me. I told her that I would change my job and talk to a doctor about treatment options for anxiety and depression. She admitted that the feel of the relationship is not as it was before when we first started dating. I felt like I was being blamed. I couldn't help it anymore and broke down. She tried to comfort me by saying that it's just a phase and that we would get through it. The next morning, I broke down again. She was distant and it felt like she was comforting me out of duty. I told her that it felt like she was not in love with me anymore and was going to break up with me, which she denied. I went home a little later and had a full on nervous breakdown/panic attack.

 

She messaged me that night reassuring me that everything was fine, she missed me, that I was the love of her life and I had nothing to worry about our relationship. She later came over (I did not ask her to), took me to dinner and spent the night. The next day she told me that she was not in love with me anymore, did not find me attractive and broke up with me.

I was absolutely devastated. I blamed myself and tried very hard to cope. I fell further into my depression and felt hurt by the fact that she checked out of the relationship a long time ago and strung me along.

 

Funny thing is, after a few weeks of NC, my anxiety is completely gone... I am still depressed but I feel like it's different. I am mourning the break up rather then wondering where I am going in life. I feel like I was under pressure when we were together to get my life (career) in order, since she already knows what she would like to do in life. We tried being friends for a week after the breakup as per her request which I broke off, and went full NC. She sent me a long message about how this is hard for her and she is sorry to hurt my feelings. I did not respond. 2 weeks later she sent me another message asking me for my bank details so she can transfer the 30$ that she owed me. I didn't reply until about a week and a half later. I felt betrayed and hurt hearing from her and sent her very short and to the point responses. She offered to talk, meet up and get closure. I am not sure if this is a good idea. Any help would be appreciated.

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seasickpeeve

That such a hard read. It sounds very painful.

 

The thing with depression is it can create like a bubble around you that love can't get through from others and your love can't get out to others. Because you feel so rubbish you can start with this sort of mantra 'I'm **** at the moment, she's gonna leave' and it becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy in that you push people away with your behaviour...constantly checking if things are ok, becoming needy, acting withdrawn...It makes giving and getting the thing you need the most, love and support, really difficult. Relationships can become impossible.

 

Her asking to meet you for closure shows that she does care. She maybe could have been more sensitive to you during the break up....who needs to know their ex doesn't fancy them anymore?! But it looks like she cares, loves, respects you. Depression/anxiety make loving relationships really difficult, it is really difficult to be around it and people get scared they're gonna be dragged down with you.

 

This break up could be the making of you because it could force yourself to focus on you and make yourself ok again.

 

Meeting up might rock your boat and cause the anxiety to come back for awhile so only you can decide if you need any closure or whether you're ok to just say 'it wasn't the right time in my life to be with someone' or 'she wasn't the one for me as she made my anxiety worsen'.

 

good luck with what you decide x

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