Did I Do the Right Thing?

[raidmax]

So, I have been dating this girl for 3 years. We have had our ups and downs and I have been struggling to keep this relationship alive.

 

Problems started a few months back. Last Christmas she took a month break because she told me that she was depressed. During this xmas break, she refused to hang out with me but she went to dinner "parties" with her family. I spent the entire Christmas holidays alone. Previous to the Christmas break we had a huge fight because I asked to her to go on a date and she refused because she a had a lot to study and instead I went out with by friends. After she found out that I was with my friends she got mad and she went to a party without me. During this time I broke up with her but after a few days we were back together.

 

We live 1 hour away from each other and as we both drive, we usually meet somewhere in the middle. Lately, we are not hanging out very often due to work and study. I always ask her to hangout and most of the time she refuse to meet up, with the excuse of being too tired.

 

On my birthday I proposed that I would be driving to her to hang out. On this day, her sister was coming from a 3 month vacation and she was going to arrive home at 7pm. For her arrival my GF was going to throw her a small party, but she never invited me. I asked her if I could stay with her after 7pm and she told me NO. She told me that her sister doesn't like strangers at home after travelling (She only traveled for 2.5 hrs). She also told me that if I went she wouldn't give me any attention and I'll get mad. She tried to find every excuse and she finally told me "You need to respect my decision". So again, I spent my bday alone. On this day I ended the relationship because I have had enough of being treated like a "friend". At the moment we are NC.

 

Other things: I am 24 years old and she is 22. As I have already stated, we have been together for 3 years and during this time we haven't had any serious sexual relations. We are both virgins and we have only tried oral sex. I want to try other things but she doesn't want to. I have never forced her, but I have talked to her about these things.

 

Did I do the right thing by ending the relationship? I still love her but I refuse of being treated like a friend.

[aloneinaz]

From what you wrote, yes, you did in fact do the right thing. Personally, if my GF told me she needed a break for 30 days over the holidays, she'd gotten a PERMENANT break from me.

 

 

It appeared that you allowed her to call all the shots. She had all the power in the relationship and you were kind of her door mat. She was available to you at her convenience. Most women don't like dudes they can walk all over.

 

 

She controlled what she was willing to do sexually as well (which is clearly her right) but if it wasn't what you wanted, you had the choice to find someone who was wanting the same kind of sexual relationship as you.

 

 

I'm glad you manned up and ended that relationship. It didn't appear to be healthy. The good news? You're young and probably have lots of single girls around that want the same things you do in a relationship.

 

 

Learn from this last one what you will but if it was me, I keep that relationship in the rear view mirror.

[Ariess10]

Ugh, reminds me of me somewhat .. Spending the holidays alone beacuse her mom is a crazy bitter woman that hates life beacuse her husband died and hated me , beacuse. I was dating the only person that really gave two $hits about her .. I also let her call the shots and let it go on for way to long .. Let me give you some advise and you can do what you want with it .. I am 32 and I delt with this for 3 years , there was no respect there for me , and it seems the same with you .. She doesn't seem to respect you or what you want out of the relationship , so give her what she wants go nc move on and find someone that will move mountains for you !!

 

 

When the relationship comes onesided (you putting more effort in then her) it's time to cut your losses and move on .. I wish I did this 2 years into mine , I never got the respect I deserved and I let myself get bad mouthed .. Never again !! Never again !!

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through this. Break-ups, even when its the right thing to do, are never easy. Hang in there.

 

Leaving you alone on your birthday was definitely not cool.

[raidmax]

Yes, it hurts a little bit. I had no respect in the last 2 years of this relationship and I don't know why. I have things that I need to focus on, in particular my self-esteem.

 

I was never her priority. Her work, cat, mother, sister, father, cousin.. always came first.

 

She has also told me that the relationship that I want doesn't exist. A relationship were two people actually spend a little time every week with each other. A relationship were one respects the other and tries to make him/her a priority. A relationship were you can actually create a future together. If I am honest to myself, it is hard for me to imagine a future (marriage, kids) with this woman.

 

In the last 1.5 years she was also constantly sick. She constantly complained that her feet were hurting her and that she wasn't able to drive. She also stated that she had no energy and it was useless for me to go to her house as she would be already sleeping. She never went to check to a doctor! She also asked me to be understanding and that relationships required sacrifice......

 

 

The worst thing is that right now I am finishing my Master's thesis and this breakup isn't helping. On the other hand, work keeps me from thinking about her.

 

 

This forum is really amazing. You guys are great for taking your time to help other strangers!

[raidmax]

She contacted me...

[raidmax]

She told me that she still loves me and she wanted to see If I intended to contact her and fix things and I said I don't know.

 

She then started blaming me for ending the relationship on a "trivial fight".

 

Any suggestions?

[mightycpa]

Yes, it hurts a little bit. I had no respect in the last 2 years of this relationship and I don't know why.

The reason is BECAUSE YOU LET THAT HAPPEN.

I have things that I need to focus on, in particular my self-esteem.

You need to work on your FEAR first. I'm not sure when the breaking point was, but it sounds like somewhere close to the very beginning of the two years. That is when you simply should have called it QUITS, with no apologies. Self-esteem issues are the symptom. FEAR is the root cause.

 

I was never her priority. Her work, cat, mother, sister, father, cousin.. always came first.

 

She has also told me that the relationship that I want doesn't exist. A relationship were two people actually spend a little time every week with each other. A relationship were one respects the other and tries to make him/her a priority. A relationship were you can actually create a future together. If I am honest to myself, it is hard for me to imagine a future (marriage, kids) with this woman.

Why you would want one is an even better question to answer honestly, and you'll learn a hell of a lot about yourself.

In the last 1.5 years she was also constantly sick. She constantly complained that her feet were hurting her and that she wasn't able to drive. She also stated that she had no energy and it was useless for me to go to her house as she would be already sleeping. She never went to check to a doctor! She also asked me to be understanding and that relationships required sacrifice......

The worst thing is that right now I am finishing my Master's thesis and this breakup isn't helping. On the other hand, work keeps me from thinking about her.

**** her. Start thinking about yourself. A Masters? That means you know how to analyze. Get out a paper and pencil and start analyzing your situation. It shouldn't take long.

This forum is really amazing. You guys are great for taking your time to help other strangers!

yw

[mightycpa]

She told me that she still loves me and she wanted to see If I intended to contact her and fix things and I said I don't know.

 

She then started blaming me for ending the relationship on a "trivial fight".

 

Any suggestions?

I have one. Conquer your fear. Tell her to **** off.

 

If you have any doubt whatsoever, go back and read what you wrote way up above, and write a paragraph about what kind of person would want that ****, and whether or not you want to be that person. HINT: The answer is NO.

 

Then tell her to **** off and to leave you alone forever.

 

Edit: use those exact words... great for the self-esteem.

 

**** off. Leave me alone forever.

Yep. Edited August 4, 2015 by mightycpa

[Gus Grimly]

Then tell her to **** off and to leave you alone forever.

 

That's the most empowering thing you could say to her.

 

Get back your power, stop being people's doormat. We all go through it, one day you realize that you're not gonna take it anymore. Maintain your standards. You need to let people know what you will and won't stand for. If you feel like you're being disrespected, kick that person to the curb.

[aloneinaz]

She told me that she still loves me and she wanted to see If I intended to contact her and fix things and I said I don't know.

 

She then started blaming me for ending the relationship on a "trivial fight".

 

Any suggestions?

 

 

 

 

Yea, my suggestion is for you to NOT let her put the collar back on. You're not her *itch, are you? Here's your chance to learn from all you mistakes from that relationship.

 

 

DON'T talk to her again. Vanish from her life and address YOUR issues so you're not a door mat in your next relationship.

[raidmax]

I kept strong and I told her "NO... I wont try again". She then told me "goodbye won't be talking to you again!" She kept insisting that she didn't do anything wrong and she feels victimized because she told me that she hasn't slept in days and she feels sick.

 

She said that I should not have broke up after she "ruined" my Bday because I had previously ruined her graduation that took place last November. What actually happened is that I didn't have tickets to attend her graduation. I also had lectures that I couldn't miss. I kept texting her during the graduation ceremony and after, but she never replied. She then uploaded pictures on her Facebook page with her best-friend (A guy from class) along side a long paragraph describing their year together, from her mobile phone. She still didn't reply. I was at university and we could have actually celebrated her graduation together. She then replied back after a few hours stating that she was dining with her family. Mind you, she was invited to my graduation dinner. She knew that I was available after her graduation ceremony ended. She ignored my texts and she blamed me for ruining her graduation.

[mightycpa]

I kept strong and I told her "NO... I wont try again". She then told me "goodbye won't be talking to you again!" She kept insisting that she didn't do anything wrong and she feels victimized because she told me that she hasn't slept in days and she feels sick.

 

She said that I should not have broke up after she "ruined" my Bday because I had previously ruined her graduation that took place last November. What actually happened is that I didn't have tickets to attend her graduation. I also had lectures that I couldn't miss. I kept texting her during the graduation ceremony and after, but she never replied. She then uploaded pictures on her Facebook page with her best-friend (A guy from class) along side a long paragraph describing their year together, from her mobile phone. She still didn't reply. I was at university and we could have actually celebrated her graduation together. She then replied back after a few hours stating that she was dining with her family. Mind you, she was invited to my graduation dinner. She knew that I was available after her graduation ceremony ended. She ignored my texts and she blamed me for ruining her graduation.

Sounds like nobody was happy. Win-Win.

 

Try and stick with it, and do perform those two analyses, and keep them close to re-read when you feal weak. It won't be easy, but you have a strong mind, and you need to beat some sense and some courage into your heart. A strong mind can do that, it's the weak ones that have trouble.

 

Good luck.

[Gus Grimly]

She kept insisting that she didn't do anything wrong and she feels victimized because she told me that she hasn't slept in days and she feels sick

She ignored my texts and she blamed me for ruining her graduation.

That's a narcissist for you. Blames everyone but themselves. My Ex was exactly like this. I think the thought of having to admit she was wrong made her nauseous (I'm serious). In the four years we were together, not once did I hear the words "I'm sorry" come from her mouth after she caused me hurt or pain.

 

You and me, we gotta start sticking up for ourselves. Letting people take advantage of us. Not cool man, not cool.

[aloneinaz]

I kept strong and I told her "NO... I wont try again". She then told me "goodbye won't be talking to you again!" She kept insisting that she didn't do anything wrong and she feels victimized because she told me that she hasn't slept in days and she feels sick.

 

She said that I should not have broke up after she "ruined" my Bday because I had previously ruined her graduation that took place last November. What actually happened is that I didn't have tickets to attend her graduation. I also had lectures that I couldn't miss. I kept texting her during the graduation ceremony and after, but she never replied. She then uploaded pictures on her Facebook page with her best-friend (A guy from class) along side a long paragraph describing their year together, from her mobile phone. She still didn't reply. I was at university and we could have actually celebrated her graduation together. She then replied back after a few hours stating that she was dining with her family. Mind you, she was invited to my graduation dinner. She knew that I was available after her graduation ceremony ended. She ignored my texts and she blamed me for ruining her graduation.

 

 

I have to ask? Why did you communicate with her at all? Why didn't you choose to ignore her, worry about only you know and move on? This is a great example of what happens when people break contact (you engaging with her) and the consequences of it. Now you're having to relive all this drama again, her finger pointing, blah, blah, blah... Had you stayed NC, you would be 30 something days into your healing.

 

 

I'm just gently trying to suggest that you NOT break NC again. It was a win-win for you to "escape" from her and hopefully find someone you're more compatible with.

[raidmax]

I have to ask? Why did you communicate with her at all? Why didn't you choose to ignore her, worry about only you know and move on? This is a great example of what happens when people break contact (you engaging with her) and the consequences of it. Now you're having to relive all this drama again, her finger pointing, blah, blah, blah... Had you stayed NC, you would be 30 something days into your healing.

 

 

I'm just gently trying to suggest that you NOT break NC again. It was a win-win for you to "escape" from her and hopefully find someone you're more compatible with.

 

You are 100% right. I blocked her from everywhere but she managed to contact me through Whatsapp... somehow.