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Do the ex's who left us for someone else ever come back?


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I'm in a bit of pain, my ex and I were happy for 2 years and towards the end we were long distance, he met someone new who had the same job as me but a little more successful in it and suddenly he wasn't sure about the relationship using lines such as 'I think I just want to be alone' etc. So with dignity I set him free and only a few weeks later I saw photos of them together, I asked him about them and he denied it all saying I had nothing to worry about, they were just friends etc. Then his friend who I still follow posted a photo of them in his familys home. It hit me pretty bad and I asked for some honesty, that I wanted some closure on everything so I can move on and stop questioning what we had.

 

Last night he sent me a message that hit me right in the gut. He apologised, said he was actually seeing her and he should have been honest with me, he feels terrible for it all happening so soon but he was now 'honestly, very happy' then said he would understand if I never wanted to see him again but 'you're too great of a person not to have in my life' and since we were meant to meet in September for a drink and swap things before this he said he would still like to see me if I was ok to.

 

The message killed me, I knew what was happening already but the reality was much harder to take in coming from him. I know that at least I got my answers etc and I'm trying to to relay the past in my head but I have so many questions.

 

I feel so quickly disregarded and my self-esteem in the dumps. He's on his Honeymoon period with her and I feel left in the dust whilst he's blissfully 'in love' it seems.

 

Why did he say he still wants to meet in September, would it be just out of politeness? Surely his new woman wouldn't like this? Do ex's that do this ever end up returning to their original love?

 

I have a few options of what to do next and I'd like the thing that causes the best lasting impact and hopefully leads him to wonder about me, if this is even possible?

 

-No response to his message. Go radio silence and delete him off my social networks in a few days and let that be that

 

-Respond politely a 'Thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best in the new relationship' and let that be the ending

 

-Say I could see him one last time, meet up in September, look good, act cool about everything, get my things, say how well I'm doing, wish him the best and leave

 

 

I know right now he won't be coming back to me but I wonder if NC or being civilised and 'friends' is the best way to get someone back in the long run?

 

 

Any help would be appreciated, I'm feeling pretty down right now :(

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Unlucky_I_Guess

Probably not what you want hear (I know I didn't, at the time) but your best option is complete NC. It's preached on here a lot because it works. Not to get him back, but to help you move on. As you said, he's in the honeymoon phase...he's not concerned about your well-being at all, only his and his new relationship. I learned this the hard way, and it's a brutal but necessary lesson to learn.

 

For your own well-being and dignity, cut him out of your life. I'm 4 months into NC (which I'll admit has been broken once or twice) and it's still hard at times. But, the not so hard times come more often now.

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loveforever101

I'm in a very similar situation. My ex and I dated for a year and seven months and it apperead as if she left me for someone else. She gave me the old were just friends excuse... yeah right! But anyways I would say your best bet to get him back is honestly no contact. This will also help you move on and ease the pain.

 

Trust me no contact is probably best here. I chased my ex for a good month and a half and it didn't help. Who knows maybe once this honeymoon phase is over he might realize that he made a mistake.. but I wouldn't count on it.

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Do the ex's who left us for someone else ever come back?

 

It happened to me once.

 

I dated a guy for 9 months and it got serious. He was divorced because his ex-wife had had an affair with her boss. They had 2 kids that were with his ex-wife who was living in another property.

 

One day he told me out of the blue that he wanted to make another go of it with his ex. Her married b/f had dropped her and she wanted to "do it for the kids". I begged him to reconsider as I thought she was just doing it to split us up. He assured me she was genuine (yeah - like a cheater is genuine, right?!) and she moved back in. As far as I was concerned it was over and I moved on.

 

3 months later he turned up on my doorstep. (I'd moved house) He wanted us to give it another go. Apparently his ex had moved in with he kids, stayed precisely 1 week, then said it was all a big mistake and left again. He had a suicide attempt and ended up in a psychiatric ward for a week and then needed treatment for severe depression. He said it had taken him all this time to find me because I'd moved.

 

I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to re-kindle anything. I said that when we split up it was because he chose his ex over me. Now his ex didn't want him I was no way going to be his fall-back girl. He went away crying and said he made a big mistake - I agreed.

 

So, OP, if your ex came back, would you really want to be their fall-back person ? Really?? :rolleyes:

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Why did he say he still wants to meet in September, would it be just out of politeness?

 

politeness + guilt. that's probably really it.

 

-Respond politely a 'Thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best in the new relationship' and let that be the ending...

 

^^

 

i would recommend this approach. you didn't end your relationsnip in bad blood so let him know that you'll bow out of his life. respond to his message and tell him that you appreciate his offer but have a lot of important decisions to make & that you don't really see the point of staying in each other's lives. wish him all the best, thank him for his honesty & that is it. swap things through a mutual friend or via mail & end it there. going NC also means removing him from social media, not checking up on him through his friends and stuff like that.

 

now... people always talk about this CLOSURE. if you feel like you need this and if you feel like you have questions that only he can answer and if you feel like not having those questions answered will prevent you from moving on... then meet up with him this one last time, ask him things you want to know, get your closure, tell him that no contact would have been the best & move on. he seems like someone who is ready to be honest with you & if you think that these answers will help you...? do it. no harm in doing that one last meeting.

 

I know right now he won't be coming back to me but I wonder if NC or being civilised and 'friends' is the best way to get someone back in the long run?

 

i'm going to be BRUTALLY honest with you - in my opinion, he won't go back. for you and for your healing, it's for the best to just accept that he is happy with someone else & that they might just last. they might even get married.

 

i'm not telling you this to hurt you... but to show you that the "worst" scenario might happen and you'll be even more crushed because of the false hope. so instead of focusing on getting him back, focus on HEALING & moving on.

 

you're down now... and that is just a phase you need to go through. it hurts now, it has to hurt & you'll go through that phase. then, as time goes by... you'll be better and better. then you will wake up one day and you won't even remember what was like loving him. it will happen, just let the time do its work.

 

for now, please focus on healing. let go of him. it is done. assume he isn't going back - ever. if he does go back, at the end of the day... do you really want that person next to you...?

 

one more thing -- just because he had "replaced" you so easily... it does not mean that your relationship with him meant nothing to him. you were happy & then you simply came to an end. it happens. take it for what it was, don't overanalyze it and don't overthink it.

 

good luck.

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I guess i'm just wondering what would be the most powerful thing to do after having been sent that message. Me not responding to it - ever -and leaving him wonder? Thanking him for the honesty, saying I'm glad he's happy and I wish him the best but August is a no, or?..

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He wants a harem and for you to be part of it because he likes you still, but not more than the new girl.

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I guess i'm just wondering what would be the most powerful thing to do after having been sent that message. Me not responding to it - ever -and leaving him wonder? Thanking him for the honesty, saying I'm glad he's happy and I wish him the best but August is a no, or?..

 

what would be the most powerful thing....? hmm... define powerful.

 

in my opinion, a message like this would be the most powerful --

hi, X! thank you for your honesty. i appreciate your offer but i really don't see the point in meeting or mantaining contact. i've came to realize that the break up was the right decision for the both of us and i wish you nothing but the best in your new relationship.

 

so a message where you tell him that you're actually OKAY with the break up + going no contact would be the most powerful. no contact IS a VERY powerful tool. so not meeting with him and going radio silence after notifying him about it would have been for the best. going straight no contact...? i wouldn't do it. you'll probably just look really rude.

 

THAT being said -- i've read your previous posts... do not meet with him. he is only trying to save face, honestly. you said it yourself -- he avoids conflict like a plague so he will sugarcoat you with words that probably aren't true. i doubt he'll give you the closure you want.

 

so "best of luck to you!" message followed by STRICT NO CONTACT and blocking in every way possible is probably the best way to go.

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Minimariah your posts have been a massive help! I've told him before I had accepted the breakup and realised it was the best for both of us when I asked him about this the first time around so I think he already knows that part but I was thinking of saying

'Thank you for the honesty. I wish you the best in your new relationship. I'm not sure about September but I will have a think and let you know' Then never let him know and NC forever

 

I wonder if I said 'There's not much point in seeing you in Sept' he would feel he doesn't have to take responsibility for that you know and more than likely would just be elated that he got away with everything so easily

 

or

 

Thank you for the honesty. I wish you the best in your new relationship. As for September, I'm not sure but I will let you know. x Then NC?

 

 

I'm still debating total silence in reply to that message, whatever is most impactful that leaves him wonder but as you say, may be rude? Equally, he hasn't been great in this whole situation anyway..

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casey.lives

i never had an ex come back.. except one but it was only to show off how much loves his new girlfriend. i don't think that counts :(

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Best thing you can do is not reply. You don't need to thank him for anything. Let him wonder. Who cares. He hurt you, most likely cheated on you, lied to you, post pictures of them together, no he wants you in his life as friends? Pluuuueasse. He doesn't deserve another second of your time. Do give him anything. It's all to relieve guilt. Ketbhim wonder.

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StrangerThanFiction

Why would you thank him for his honesty when he lied straight to your face about it at first and only admitted to it after he was really busted? IMO it would kinda make it sound like you're thanking him for scraps. Don't thank him for admitting he's a liar. Also, to make the most powerful statement and "make him wonder", just go NC. Anything else is just playing games and in all honesty he probably won't even care because he's a total jerk. Cut him off completely and he'll wonder what happened.

 

My ex left me for someone else a few years ago. We got back together and stayed together for a few more years and then you know what he did? Left me for the same chick. AGAIN. Trust me, you don't want someone back after they've chosen someone else over you.

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I guess maybe it is best to make him wonder and just never reply/go NC. Our mutual friend knew I was a little upset though after the message was sent, would that effect anything if she was to tell him?

 

I also wonder if NC would let him just get away guilt-free, like a 'phew, that was easy, she's gone!' kind of thing?

 

I was also considering a 'I was lied to for too long to have any friendship come of this and I was made to feel worthless by being so quickly replaced. I can't waste anymore time on you. Give my items back to *** and I wish you the best with the new relationship' ... bad idea? Just looking for the most effective way to come back/or not!

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Eighty_nine
I guess maybe it is best to make him wonder and just never reply/go NC. Our mutual friend knew I was a little upset though after the message was sent, would that effect anything if she was to tell him?

 

I also wonder if NC would let him just get away guilt-free, like a 'phew, that was easy, she's gone!' kind of thing?

 

I was also considering a 'I was lied to for too long to have any friendship come of this and I was made to feel worthless by being so quickly replaced. I can't waste anymore time on you. Give my items back to *** and I wish you the best with the new relationship' ... bad idea? Just looking for the most effective way to come back/or not!

 

I'm not a NC nazi, I think sometimes contact can be useful but in your case I strongly believe NC is the best way. He lied to you, and that's not cool, and you don't have to be friendly with him right now. I think it says more about your own self worth to ignore him, and that will send him a better message about who you are than wishing him luck will. He did come clean about his lie, so if he persists in apologizing or something in coming weeks, then I think it would be right to acknowledge him. Still I wouldn't go so far as to wish him luck in the new relationship.

 

NC is for healing, not getting people back, as you'll see repeated time and again on these boards. But honestly, NC also provides the best shot at getting him back, however small it might be. So it is win-win.

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seasickpeeve

By sending a message that is almost saying that what he did is ok and he can relax and enjoy his relationship guilt free. I also wouldn't send anything expressing your hurt feelings because if he is to feel guilty that should come from him. I think the most dignified response is to give no response at all but I know that is very very hard to do.

 

I don't think he deserves anything bad but I don't think it is your job to make him feel ok in what has happened. It wasn't ok and his conscience should tell him that, not you. It's not your job now to make him feel better, it's your job now to make you feel better.

 

By staying quiet it opens the possibility that he may get in touch again to see if you still want to meet. You can decide then where you're at with that. You might have moved on perfectly fine by yourself. Or you might have decided you want to be friends. For now, I'd leave it with silence.

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HeartinPain

Please just go NC for yourself NOW! Don't reply and cry it out. He left you for someone else... WHY do you want someone like that back? WHY do you want to be the backup plan/option B/second best? He left you for her, so there were probably cracks in the relationship and he probably already had her waiting in the shadows while in a relationship with you. The trust is broken and even if he did come back around, you will be in constant fear that he will do this again. How would you feel if he came back to you after you KNOW he has already been with someone else?

 

Please go NC for your own sake. It is hard now, but you are at a state where you are in desperation to get him back. He is having second thoughts and wants to keep you as the backup plan, but its really too late. He is in the honeymoon period with the new girl and probably not leave her anytime soon. You will look back on this in several months and realize what a fool you were pining over someone who obviously did not deserve your time.

 

I was in the same situation you were and I wish I had went NC from the very start.

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pidgeon1010

If you are looking for a powerful/impactful response, SILENCE is your only option here.

 

--Don't send an email thanking him for his honest. He lied to you previously and was probably emotionally detached from the relationship (probably cheating) before he broke up with you.

-- Don't tell him you will have to think about the Sept meeting. What's the point of meeting? He has a new gf. There is nothing more to say or do.

-- Don't say anything about how you are feeling. Frankly he doesn't genuinely care. I bet he knows you're not a happy camper. You asked him a few times whether he was with that girl. It is only human that you would be affected now that he has come clean. He knew that, and that's why he didn't tell you initially. He wants to remain friends to alleviate some of his guilt and possibly have you waiting on the sidelines if things don't work out with the other girl.

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These are all great replies and I thin NC is the best thing. I don't actually want him back - but it was more the idea of wanting him to wonder about me or kick himself. I guess the only way he's going to think is maybe silence?

The only social media we follow of eachothers is Instagram, should i block so if he tries to go on my profile he can't and maybe that's more a statement (if he gives a damn that is) or just unfollow him now. Don't want to look too dramatic, he might get a kick out of knowing I'm effected by it that way but not sure..

 

What an ass..

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HeartinPain
These are all great replies and I thin NC is the best thing. I don't actually want him back - but it was more the idea of wanting him to wonder about me or kick himself. I guess the only way he's going to think is maybe silence?

The only social media we follow of eachothers is Instagram, should i block so if he tries to go on my profile he can't and maybe that's more a statement (if he gives a damn that is) or just unfollow him now. Don't want to look too dramatic, he might get a kick out of knowing I'm effected by it that way but not sure..

 

What an ass..

 

If you want him to wonder about you, disappear from his life. Yes... block him on instagram.

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in my opinion, a message like this would be the most powerful --

hi, X! thank you for your honesty. i appreciate your offer but i really don't see the point in meeting or mantaining contact. i've came to realize that the break up was the right decision for the both of us and i wish you nothing but the best in your new relationship.

 

so a message where you tell him that you're actually OKAY with the break up + going no contact would be the most powerful. no contact IS a VERY powerful tool. so not meeting with him and going radio silence after notifying him about it would have been for the best. going straight no contact...? i wouldn't do it. you'll probably just look really rude.

 

THAT being said -- i've read your previous posts... do not meet with him. he is only trying to save face, honestly. you said it yourself -- he avoids conflict like a plague so he will sugarcoat you with words that probably aren't true. i doubt he'll give you the closure you want.

 

so "best of luck to you!" message followed by STRICT NO CONTACT and blocking in every way possible is probably the best way to go.

 

 

I agree with this post. By going into immediate NC and vanishing, he'll think you're all twisted up and horrible sad about the whole thing. Yes, you shouldn't care at this point but, knock the chip or his shoulder and deflate his ego.

 

 

After that, you vanish like a fart in the wind. BLOCK him on everything and absolutely ignore him if he contacts you again. This is not to punish him but for you to have full separation and out of sight, out of mind, so YOU can heal and move on.

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Hmm,it's a tricky one. I'm the type of person to agonise over sending one message and then get anxious wondering if I get a response so maybe in that sense, NC after that message he sent is the best way to go. He knows what he's done and I think would be understanding anyway if I didn't bother responding? I don't want to look bitter but also see someone else's point that in responding it just gives him the 'ok' for what he did and he gets to relax living guilt free. We need a poll for this! Ha.

 

He basically said after weeks of denial and weeks of me falling apart over a tonne of photos surfacing and people telling me he's gone straight to her (short version) 'I'm sorry, I lied, I'm now with *** I didn't want happen so soon but it has and truth be told I'm happy. Sorry but I need to tell you. I still care for you a huge amount and want to see you if you would like to in September' But he only gave me the clarity and decency to be truthful after being pushed to by not only me but everyone else around him. His family/friends all thought it was unfair.

 

So yeah, I think no response might be sufficient, up to now he's been deluding himself thinking he get's to keep this shiny new girl plus his ex in his life (hence the denial I think) But maybe no contact will finally make him realise what he did wasn't cool at all. Not sure I can bare anymore of my thoughts on him

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seasickpeeve

The bit about 'I'll still meet you in September if you want' is a little patronising I think and probably said to help himself feel like he isn't such a bad guy. If you are completely silent he might wonder where the tears are, where the anger is etc. Yes, it's letting him have an easy time of it but it is there to help you have an easy time of it. It means the no contact starts now because you started it and in that way allows you a little bit of control.

 

You never know, he might even get to thinking you don't care as much as he thought.

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Hmm,it's a tricky one. I'm the type of person to agonise over sending one message and then get anxious wondering if I get a response so maybe in that sense, NC after that message he sent is the best way to go. He knows what he's done and I think would be understanding anyway if I didn't bother responding? I don't want to look bitter but also see someone else's point that in responding it just gives him the 'ok' for what he did and he gets to relax living guilt free. We need a poll for this! Ha.

 

He basically said after weeks of denial and weeks of me falling apart over a tonne of photos surfacing and people telling me he's gone straight to her (short version) 'I'm sorry, I lied, I'm now with *** I didn't want happen so soon but it has and truth be told I'm happy. Sorry but I need to tell you. I still care for you a huge amount and want to see you if you would like to in September' But he only gave me the clarity and decency to be truthful after being pushed to by not only me but everyone else around him. His family/friends all thought it was unfair.

 

So yeah, I think no response might be sufficient, up to now he's been deluding himself thinking he get's to keep this shiny new girl plus his ex in his life (hence the denial I think) But maybe no contact will finally make him realise what he did wasn't cool at all. Not sure I can bare anymore of my thoughts on him

 

 

Ok, now do the hard part.. Disappear from him. Block him on everything. Don't reply to him if he contacts you.

 

 

People hate to be ignored. HATE IT.. They can also spin why they are being ignored as well. I had an ex who wanted me back. I didn't go back. She kept trying even though she knew I had a GF and was happy. I felt bad for her and on some level still cared about her. To be honest, it fells good to have a partner AND an ex still wanting you as well. She finally gave up and vanished. It was the right play on her part. It made me realize that people can and do move on w/their lives.

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with these new details -- go straight NC. no response to his last message.

 

no response at all, block him everywhere. send him his things through a mutual friend or mail and call it a day.

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So most people think NC/vanishing is best? Or 'Appreciate that. I wish you all the best in the new relationship' - Whatever hits home the hardest.

 

I think I would be able to meet up and have moved on from this by Sept but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being there in the background if ever he wanted to reach out.

 

 

He deserves no more of my time

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