Ended it after about a year, now I'm obsessing, please help

[Burn100]

I met my my ex through tinder last August after just getting out of a previous relationship two months prior. For about the first month things started slow, she lived about an hour away and didn't have a car, so she had to take a train to me or I drove to her. After the first couple of dates I learned some things about her, that would be redflags for me, she had just been divorced after being married for a couple weeks only two find out he was gay, only about a month prior to meeting me, and the guy proposed after only a couple weeks, before that she was in and out of an abusive relationship for 2 years, she was currently unemployed, liked to drink and party a lot, to excess even, had way too many guy friends for my liking, didn't have a car, and some of her previous jobs I can't mention here.

 

Nonetheless I was so physically attracted to her and we had a great emotional connection and similar humor, so I ignored and overlooked all the redflags because I wanted to stay with her. Roughly a month or so into it she even warned me about her and told me she's a challenge and asked if I was sure I wanted to continue seeing her, I said of course and wasn't worried about it being challenging, shortly after that she met me and some of my friends out and came back to my place and stayed a whole week, which was great to me at the time. Then she left and a few days later came back for another week or so, we're still in about the month of dating range, during that time i asked her to be my girlfriend, she said she didn't really know how to be one and was worried, but I didn't care, we were official.

 

Shortly after that she started staying with me permanently. At the time I was living at my parents, but looking to move out. Once I moved out, it was permanent, she was living with me, while her sister and parents were staying at her apartment. I didn't want to live together, but I also liked that she was around all the time, then I didn't, I began to feel responsible. I didn't see my friends as much or do anything alone. However, I wanted her around still because it made me feel secure and knew she wouldn't do anything I didn't like because I'm insecure. In early January we broke up, she left, for only a couple days and decided to get back together. I was moving again around the same time she came back.

 

She hadn't been working or found a job before she broke up with me, but while she was gone she got offered a job where we were living, so she took it and came back to with me. Up until we broke up in January we fought a fair amount, my biggest complaint were her guy "friends" which I referred to as fans, and there was a lot, always texting her. It made me jealous and I would get upset with her because she would always deny that they had other intentions besides being friends. After she came back, she finally somehow had an epiphany she said and came to see the truth of their intentions and started cutting many of these guys out and keeping closer ones. Though it was still a struggle for me because my jealousy would always get the better of me.

 

The next several months from February till now there was a lot of struggle and fighting, more than I feel is normal in a relationship. My jealousy and need to control what she did was a constant issue. If she wanted to do something I didn't like, which could even be something as harmless as going out of town to see a friend I would do anything, driven by irrational emotions to stop her, usually some kind of threat. She was living with me, which from the start happened by default, and when I mentioned her getting her own place because she was now working, she said it was too expensive where we lived and she'd have to move away and thus break up. So I stopped pushing for that and we stayed living together. She still never had a car, she injured her knee back early April and was and still is out on workers comp. I had a second surgery for a work related injury in May and was out on workers comp as well. We spent the vast majority of our time together. I felt responsible for her almost a car taker. I still loved her nonetheless. I also was very controlling still, even though there was so few guys left talking to her, I still got jealous, about Facebook, some people shed text, IG sometimes. I can say that I'm pretty extreme with what get jealous and insecure and looking at it now. Starting in maybe January or February, when things started getting rough, I started crawling into a little protective emotional hole and my affection for her started to decline and towards the end was almost obsolete, though we still had sex on a regular basis, which was a constant, yet given, complaint, that I was never able to crawl out of my hole. The more we fought the deeper I crawled.

 

She was committed to making it work, I knew she we never leave me, no matter how controlling I was, no matter how much I was an *******, no matter how much she cried, and this is not that I was trying to hurt her or make her leave. I tried to breakup a few weeks prior to this real break up, which was last Friday. I did it after she spent the day with one of her guy friends after we had been in a fight the night before. She got back late at night and I told her I was breaking up with her and she was thrown, confused, didn't understand how I could do that to her if I loved her, she had confidence we could make it work, saw things as getting better, didn't think it was unhealthy like I did. She stayed the night and the next morning she was an emotional mess, as was I. After a long rough day i called off the breakup and she stayed. Things were good for about three days, then pretty much back to normal. Then Friday when I broke up for good it was a poorly communicated, limited talking breakup, and she walked off with very few words spoken, and wouldn't take a ride somewhere from me and walked on her bad knee. We didn't talk until I texted her that night asking her to confirm with her parents that they'd be home because I was going to be a nice guy and move all her stuff for her to her parents. Her responses were poorly written, she was clearly drunk. I was going to go the next day, Saturday, and when I tried to confirm again, her responses were "why did you do this" "I don't want to lose you" and "it's really that easy for you" I didn't let her set her claws in and I got her to confirm for Sunday.

 

I packed up all her stuff, which was very sad for me, luckily I had help. I drove it up to her parents. Talked with her dad briefly, found out she was staying with her parents, which gave me some relief because I was worried she might get back into drinking heavy again to cope, and bounce around. We haven't had contact since, except for an email I sent to her for closure and to let her know there's no hard feeling or resentment, wished her well, and explained this was best for me to grow since there was no real closure of Friday. She hasn't responded, so there's been no contact in the commutation regard. However I am obsessive with checking her social media, her IG and Facebook. She had deactivated her Facebook on April for me and Friday she reactivated, and I couldn't help but take it personal.

 

I cannot stay off either of them I religiously check them. I want to text her, and want to see a text from her. So although there no communication I'm still constantly trying to keep tabs by checking her stuff. I can't help but think it's driven by my controlling nature. I also know it's not helping me. I can't help, but having these thoughts that she's already over me and moved on, while I sit here and grieve. Even though things were unhealthy I can't help and sit here and blame myself for most of the fights because of my insecurities. Even though I called it off because I had been thinking about it for a while I still feel regret, I feel like I didn't do my best to change for the better of myself to improve our relationship, I sit here and think if I did that our relationship would have been better and we'd still be together.

 

I am looking for any advice or anyone who can relate to my now irrational thoughts and my almost creepy obsessive behavior checking her social media. I also check her social media frequently because she still has all our picture ms of us on her IG and Facebook, and keeping looking to see if they're still there. I can't help but wonder why she keeps them up, Abu thoughts on that? I am grateful for any and all advice and opinion in advance.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Burn100
Wrong title

[seasickpeeve]

It sounds like you're aware of your contribution to the break up and can see areas you need to work on if you're to have a healthy happy relationship. Its hard to make these changes in a relationship even if you can see you need to. You have probably done the best thing for both of you by putting this space between yourselves and that's great you could find the strength to do that.

 

I noticed you didn't really talk about love and getting her back but more control and obsession. All you can control now is yourself and get yourself back on track. Perhaps to help, you could be the one to block her on facebook to stop yourself from checking.

 

I don't think the facebook picture means anything. Either she hasn't even thought to get rid of it or its too painful to do now.

 

She will move on because you let her go. If you know you cant make the changes needed and you don't want her back, try let her go in your mind too.

[Burn100]

We loved each other very much, and still do love her very much, and while I want to get her back the things I came to learn about myself in the relationship and the things she taught me about myself I need to address and work on before I can healthfully get back into a relationship with her or anyone else. What made the break up so difficult was that I loved her very much, and giving her credit she was able in the relationship change a lot of things for herself that she saw to be good for her that I somewhat initiated for her, so given that by the end there wasn't much that didn't work for me it had just been such a bumpy road getting there, it was very difficult to transition out of the fighting dynamic it turned into. Much of the contribution was despite my awareness of what I wanted to change for myself, I found it very difficult and stay committed to myself being in the relationship. So with that long drawn out explanation, even though I want her back I know it's better for us both not to be, and mostly because I'm not different and therefore I will do that same things that caused many of the problems.

[seasickpeeve]

Ahhh that makes more sense. I have known of areas of myself I've needed to work on and found it impossible whilst in the relationship. Awareness is a great thing but is frustrating as hell when you watch yourself make mistakes but still cant stop it.

 

It sounds like you have made reply difficult decision, and because the love is still there, its no wonder you are feeling how you do. Its a head heart battle.

 

Did you ever talk about a break rather than a break up? I have no idea whether that would work....

[Burn100]

I had actually mentioned to her a couple weeks before I broke up with her that we could try taking a break for a month or so. I was skeptical of the idea, but was desperate. She just said breaks never work because someone won't be faithful and it will just create a mess after it the breaks ends. So the idea of a break was not going to happen.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I really admire that you're taking responsibility for the things that you know that you need to work on. Do you think that therapy/counseling would be helpful to address some of the things you mentioned wanting to work on? Just something to think about. I hope it gets easier for you.

[Burn100]

I posted previously, I will try to keep this one shorter than the last. I broke up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons on both our sides that made it an unhealthy relationship. She didn't see it as I did she took the break up as me kicking her out, as we lived together.

 

Slight backstory that will come in use later. When I met her she was drinking often and a lot (volume) and has been for many years before to cope with unpleasant emotions, redflag. She was also alienated from her family because they didn't approve of her choices. She also didn't have a car or a job at the time. I few months go by and she's staying with me permanently. She stops drinking gets a job, taking with and seeing her family again, getting her life together while we're together. She hurt her knee at work in April and has been off the job and getting money from workers comp since then. We then broke up 11 days ago.

 

Two days after the breakup I take all her belongings to her parents place where she was staying 100 miles away. Which was good for me because wouldn't have a fluke run in with her. I figured she was in a safe place. I knew from my land lady that she was coming down yesterday to pick up her workers comp check from the house and probably for a doctor visit. I thought she'd come and then leave.

 

Then I run into my friend yesterday that was also her coworker at the store they worked. He tells me her saw her, that she was at the store a while and was looking for a place to stay and staying in the area a couple days. Fast forward a couple hours later another friend I'm meeting up with informs me she at the bar I'm supposed to meet him at with a guy she worked with that I didn't like because he made advances on her.

 

I try to resist, but can't. I go in and take her outside to speak with her. Then I'm struck by a sledge hammer. She's now homeless because her parents kicked her out, she can't stay with her sister, she's vouching surfing, she's using alcohol, getting wasted all the time and using other drugs to cope, having surgery soon and has no where to land afterward. Claims if i really did care about and love her I wouldn't have left her and we would have helped each other to make it work. Now she has nothing, that I completely destroyed her and broke her heart. Hanging out with a guy "someone that actually cares about her well being" but really is encouraging her drinking and drug use to get in her pants. Major fcking guilt trip.

 

Now she's here still I drove past her today, told me yesterday she might try to move here. I can't help but think she only came here for an extended period was to **** with me and hurt me more than I already am to get back at me. I'm lost in a tornado of emotions from anger to sympathy to want to help her. It's a mess and I'm now overwhelmed with anxiety, something that's never happened to me before. What do I do? Have any of you been in a similar situation?

[mightycpa]

I posted previously, I will try to keep this one shorter than the last. I broke up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons on both our sides that made it an unhealthy relationship. She didn't see it as I did she took the break up as me kicking her out, as we lived together.

 

Slight backstory that will come in use later. When I met her she was drinking often and a lot (volume) and has been for many years before to cope with unpleasant emotions, redflag. She was also alienated from her family because they didn't approve of her choices. She also didn't have a car or a job at the time. I few months go by and she's staying with me permanently. She stops drinking gets a job, taking with and seeing her family again, getting her life together while we're together. She hurt her knee at work in April and has been off the job and getting money from workers comp since then. We then broke up 11 days ago.

 

Two days after the breakup I take all her belongings to her parents place where she was staying 100 miles away. Which was good for me because wouldn't have a fluke run in with her. I figured she was in a safe place. I knew from my land lady that she was coming down yesterday to pick up her workers comp check from the house and probably for a doctor visit. I thought she'd come and then leave.

 

Then I run into my friend yesterday that was also her coworker at the store they worked. He tells me her saw her, that she was at the store a while and was looking for a place to stay and staying in the area a couple days. Fast forward a couple hours later another friend I'm meeting up with informs me she at the bar I'm supposed to meet him at with a guy she worked with that I didn't like because he made advances on her.

 

I try to resist, but can't. I go in and take her outside to speak with her. Then I'm struck by a sledge hammer. She's now homeless because her parents kicked her out, she can't stay with her sister, she's vouching surfing, she's using alcohol, getting wasted all the time and using other drugs to cope, having surgery soon and has no where to land afterward. Claims if i really did care about and love her I wouldn't have left her and we would have helped each other to make it work. Now she has nothing, that I completely destroyed her and broke her heart. Hanging out with a guy "someone that actually cares about her well being" but really is encouraging her drinking and drug use to get in her pants. Major fcking guilt trip.

 

Now she's here still I drove past her today, told me yesterday she might try to move here. I can't help but think she only came here for an extended period was to **** with me and hurt me more than I already am to get back at me. I'm lost in a tornado of emotions from anger to sympathy to want to help her. It's a mess and I'm now overwhelmed with anxiety, something that's never happened to me before. What do I do? Have any of you been in a similar situation?

Steal a shopping cart, outfit it with the latest boxes, and give it to her as a valuable parting gift.

 

I don't know about you, but one of the criteria of the people that I choose is that they contribute in some way, make me better, and hopefully, that I can do the same for them. That we are symbiotic, producing more as a whole instead of two apart.

 

That doesn't seem like this girl, does it? She sounds like a drain into which you can pour your time, energy, money and watch it disappear.

 

That might be just what you're looking for, a project. I don't know. If it is, go rescue her. If it isn't, you can't do more for people than they will do for themselves. It sounds harsh, but sometimes life is harsh.

[ZiggyZoo]

You were jealous and controlling. She was a drunk and a flirt, unable to keep a job or any sort of healthy relationship with anyone in her life, family included. The dynamice here are so completely unhealthy, I can absolutely positively say that there is zero chance of this working out. Ever.

 

Your best bet is to move on and don't look back. Harsh, yes, but your alternative is to get sucked right back into her drama. And go down with her, because as mightycpa pointed out, she sure as sh*t isn't going help you any. Don't worry, she'll find some other sucker to latch onto, she won't be single or homeless for long.

 

As far as the obsessive checking goes, suck it up and use all your willpower to stop. I know it's easy for me to say, and hard as hell to implement, but everybody who's trying to get over an ex has to do it. It gets easier with time, and you're just going to hurt yourself more when the inevitable pictures with her and her new guy(s) are posted. Save yourself from that and just block her everywhere.

 

Good luck, and next time DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS. Seriously, there were a half dozen right there in the very beginning waving in your face. Trust your gut and walk away.

[Burn100]

You were jealous and controlling. She was a drunk and a flirt, unable to keep a job or any sort of healthy relationship with anyone in her life, family included. The dynamice here are so completely unhealthy, I can absolutely positively say that there is zero chance of this working out. Ever.

 

Your best bet is to move on and don't look back. Harsh, yes, but your alternative is to get sucked right back into her drama. And go down with her, because as mightycpa pointed out, she sure as sh*t isn't going help you any. Don't worry, she'll find some other sucker to latch onto, she won't be single or homeless for long.

 

As far as the obsessive checking goes, suck it up and use all your willpower to stop. I know it's easy for me to say, and hard as hell to implement, but everybody who's trying to get over an ex has to do it. It gets easier with time, and you're just going to hurt yourself more when the inevitable pictures with her and her new guy(s) are posted. Save yourself from that and just block her everywhere.

 

Good luck, and next time DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS. Seriously, there were a half dozen right there in the very beginning waving in your face. Trust your gut and walk away.

 

My problem now is she came back to where I live, am from. She moved here solely to be with me, doesn't have any friends here besides her old coworkers, no family nothing. I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area and she originally lived about 40 miles south of me, where she has all her guy friends that I'm sure would love to take care of her. She has nothing here really except me and her doctor for her knee.

 

Now she's hanging around the small town I live in, I've seen her twice today. She's hanging out with a coworker she knows has a crush that I don't like and staying with him. I don't want to get back together with her, she's a mess, and there's no saving the relationship especially not now with what she's doing. It's hard for me not to believe that the came back here with an express purpose to get under my skin, she knew she'd see me, knew I'd see them together, she's just using him as bait for me to get a reaction. I'm now just so infuriated that she actually came back and pulled this, making it ever more difficult to move on and get her out of my head.

 

I saw her tonight, she saw me, was with him at a bar. Quick glimpse. Then she texted me four times afterward because I wasn't responding. What drives someone to do this?