Being Happy for Them

[HandsomeBoh]

Hi LS,

 

Its been a month since the demise of our 3-year relationship which meant the world to me. As is typical, it blindsided me; I thought she was just stressed from work and I prepared an encouraging card before I found out she had been thinking of breaking up for a month, during which we celebrated her birthday and she told me she would love me forever and ever. I was in the Army, so communication had always been a problem, but there was no cheating, no jealousy, no third party, no abuse; she just decided that she could not respect me and my negative, self-absorbed thoughts any more. (Self-absorbed meaning that I constantly talked about myself and the things I was going through. And I kept trying, like all guys, to help her solve her problems instead of just listening to her problems like I should have) I oscillated between going strong and pathetic begging, and she never gave me any false hope, but rather a whole lot of brutal words that destroyed my broken heart. I couldn't figure out if she was crazy or if I was crazy, but eventually, with help from friends, that phase passed.

 

Now all I'm left with is the fact that I still wake up every morning in tears, wake up every two hours I try to sleep, and the undeniable fact that I love her immensely. For a month, that meant making the dedicated effort to change myself so she could love me too, but that is a fruitless exercise, because intelligent, independent dumpers have always made up their mind which they will never change.

 

My newest conviction is that love is letting her go. It will hurt me. It will break me. It will completely destroy me. And she might not be affected, because she doesn't love me anymore. But I cannot stand to watch her in guilt over me, or in desperation and disappointment. I need her to be happy. And for that, I need to release her from my pestering and clinging. I can't hold on to her, and I shouldnt even be by her side, but I can wish her well, wish her happiness, and I do it with all my love. I have to. Its the only thing that can keep me sane right now.

 

Part of what she didn't like about me was that I hated a lot of things and it contaminated the atmosphere. I hated the Army, I hated running, I hated my friends. Now I am embracing my responsibilities, I run 5km a day, and I love my brothers, and most importantly, I don't hate her, I still love her. I don't wish revenge on her; I don't wish she'll turn around and miss me and cry and regret life; I don't wish that someone else dumps her so she can see how she hurt me; I wish she'd change her mind, but not so I can reject her to her face like she did to mine; I want to live a good life, but not so she'll be jealous and bitter. I want her to be the warm, caring girl I fell in love with; and I don't want her to ever, ever, ever, ever go through the torture she inflicted upon me by making me the dumpee.

 

So dumpers, maybe you could try giving this mindset a shot? Its funny because they say you should focus on yourself during a breakup, but that makes me feel like complete **** considering that was her problem with me from the start. So if you're ever in this situation, think of how happy she can be, and let her smile and laugh be your reward.

[Ariess10]

Give it time you'll start going through the hating .. Been there done that

[mightycpa]

Hi LS,

 

Its been a month since the demise of our 3-year relationship which meant the world to me. As is typical, it blindsided me; I thought she was just stressed from work and I prepared an encouraging card before I found out she had been thinking of breaking up for a month, during which we celebrated her birthday and she told me she would love me forever and ever. I was in the Army, so communication had always been a problem, but there was no cheating, no jealousy, no third party, no abuse; she just decided that she could not respect me and my negative, self-absorbed thoughts any more. (Self-absorbed meaning that I constantly talked about myself and the things I was going through. And I kept trying, like all guys, to help her solve her problems instead of just listening to her problems like I should have) I oscillated between going strong and pathetic begging, and she never gave me any false hope, but rather a whole lot of brutal words that destroyed my broken heart. I couldn't figure out if she was crazy or if I was crazy, but eventually, with help from friends, that phase passed.

 

Now all I'm left with is the fact that I still wake up every morning in tears, wake up every two hours I try to sleep, and the undeniable fact that I love her immensely. For a month, that meant making the dedicated effort to change myself so she could love me too, but that is a fruitless exercise, because intelligent, independent dumpers have always made up their mind which they will never change.

 

My newest conviction is that love is letting her go. It will hurt me. It will break me. It will completely destroy me. And she might not be affected, because she doesn't love me anymore. But I cannot stand to watch her in guilt over me, or in desperation and disappointment. I need her to be happy. And for that, I need to release her from my pestering and clinging. I can't hold on to her, and I shouldnt even be by her side, but I can wish her well, wish her happiness, and I do it with all my love. I have to. Its the only thing that can keep me sane right now.

 

Part of what she didn't like about me was that I hated a lot of things and it contaminated the atmosphere. I hated the Army, I hated running, I hated my friends. Now I am embracing my responsibilities, I run 5km a day, and I love my brothers, and most importantly, I don't hate her, I still love her. I don't wish revenge on her; I don't wish she'll turn around and miss me and cry and regret life; I don't wish that someone else dumps her so she can see how she hurt me; I wish she'd change her mind, but not so I can reject her to her face like she did to mine; I want to live a good life, but not so she'll be jealous and bitter. I want her to be the warm, caring girl I fell in love with; and I don't want her to ever, ever, ever, ever go through the torture she inflicted upon me by making me the dumpee.

 

So dumpers, maybe you could try giving this mindset a shot? Its funny because they say you should focus on yourself during a breakup, but that makes me feel like complete **** considering that was her problem with me from the start. So if you're ever in this situation, think of how happy she can be, and let her smile and laugh be your reward.

You know, sometimes, you don't learn **** from being with somebody. So they teach you by leaving you.

 

If this is the case, maybe she was never meant to be with you, but rather, to be with you long enough to get inside, rip you open and show you who you are. It's always up to you what you do with that knowledge.

 

You sound like you took something valuable away from this relationship. Don't forget, and don't let it go. It cost you way too much to do that, and you've probably just made the down payment on your future relationship with the person you're supposed to be with. Only time will tell, and it's in your hands now.