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he doesn't want to get married "at this point in time"


countingstarsagain

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countingstarsagain

I've been dating a guy rather seriously for five years now. We've lived together for 2 years. He recently finished an intense 2 year post graduate training program for work, which has been very stressful during the 2 years. He applied for jobs all over the US but got one 14 hours away from where we currently live together. He asked me weigh in on his decision of which job he should take since I planned to move with him.

 

Once he accepted the job, I told my manager that I planned to move far away and would like to begin the transfer process within the company. My boss says he hates to see me go, but helped me find a job in the area we were moving to. I interview for this job over the phone and things seem to be looking like they're going to work out.

 

During this time, my current job has been filled with someone else and I had been in the process of transferring my professional license to the other state, which I had spent $900 doing.

 

I text my boyfriend while he's away at a work conference to say we need to plan on researching apartments there soon as I was to begin working there in mid June. He texts back and says we'll talk about it when he gets home.

 

When he gets home, he tells me that we need to have a serious talk about things. He told me to not think there's a ring waiting for me in this new city and that he does not intend on getting married. He loves me, but at this point in time, he is not ready to get married or even consider it in the near future.

 

My mother passed a few years ago, so weddings are a sore subject for me because I don't want the pain of experiencing the day without my mother by my side. I haven't pushed him towards marriage at all, but hearing him say he doesn't want to get married was suprisingly painful. I took a few days to process it and decided that I was not going to move with him since he didn't feel marriage-level commitment.

 

I can't help but feel like I'm losing someone so perfect for me. We are both young professionals. I'm 27 and he's 28. I just feel like moving that far away with him would seal my fate of us never getting married. People close to me have said if he doesn't want to get married after 5 years, he probably never will. While I'm not obsessed with getting married, I do need to feel like level of commitment to change my whole life. he says at this moment in time he does not want to get married. says he doesn't know if he will change his mind in 6 months or two years or at all.

 

Also, I had to beg for my job back and luckily my boss was understanding and thankfully took me back.

 

Any input is greatly appreciated. :confused:

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Do you otherwise have any interest in moving to the new location? If so go. You can't very well expect your employer to undo all the arrangements they made for you.

 

 

Whether you stay with the new guy is a separate issue. I might play house with him in the short term just to have a safe place to land in the new city but I wouldn't hold out hope that your relationship will be more than it is now. If you are OK with the status quo, there's nothing to think about. If you want marriage, your friends are correct: if not now in the 5 year mark, it's unlikely that your BF will ever marry.

 

 

I was with a guy for 12 years. I pushed for marriage in the last few years but got the same old song about it's just a piece of paper. At least your BF gave you the info you needed earlier on. Take him at his word.

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Phoenixashes

I'm so grateful that you were able to keep your job!!

 

Maybe the chance to move to a new area, experience new things and a "fresh start" is making him feel something else may be out there.

 

Did you ever speak of marriage before?

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I think you did the right thing, you sacrificed your job and did so much to help make it work for him. You were not selfish and that's something that I admire you for. You were even strong enough to do what's best for you when you needed to. You did the right thing in my eyes, don't give up your life to someone who is unsure about the future between you and him. Life is too short to waste your time hoping things will work out and that he will change his mind.

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I agree that if he doesn't want to get married after 5 years, he probably never will, especially at your age. (I wouldn’t say the same to 17 year olds.) After 5 years people know.

 

I’m glad you decided not to move and that you got your job back.

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countingstarsagain

we had a break up early on in our relationship, about a year in i believe, where he said he wanted to take a break and that his friends have said when you're supposed to marry someone you just know. the break was taken because he didn't have those feelings. we were apart about a month or so and he came back to me crying saying he does want to marry me some day and the time apart really helped him to realize that.

 

our relationship has been pretty stable since that. we didn't really talk about marriage more than that, but i knew we both felt that any problems we had we would work them out and we were meant to be together. i just assumed it would happen some day. as i mentioned early, my mother passed away a year or so after we resumed our relationship, so after that marriage was never mentioned by me or him.

 

maybe i should have started bringing it up along the way so i would have known his motivations (or lack thereof, i should say).

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Great news about getting your job back. Be grateful he's been honest about his feelings, before you moved all that way. 5 years is more than enough time to know if you want to get married to someone, so if he doesn't know now, you are not the girl for him.

 

 

 

 

Men generally take a while longer to commit in my view.

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

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countingstarsagain

thanks so much for saying that :) deep down i know i'm doing the right thing, it's just so darn painful doing it.

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seasickpeeve

what has been his reaction to the break up?

 

Some people just don't ever feel they want to get married no matter who it is. I am one of those people where it is just not important to me.

 

What is important is that whoever you are with, regardless of their views on marriage, can say they chose you and will commit to that choice unless something seriously goes wrong. Has he given you this commitment in ways other than marriage? Has he made it clear he wants you in his life and his future?

 

I can understand why, at a time when you are about to give up so much to be with him, that you need some solid commitment somehow.

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countingstarsagain

when i told him i got my job back and that i wasn't going with him i think he was surprised. i think he thought i'd go anyway. he's been pretty understanding though with giving me my space. he started sleeping on an air mattress in the spare bedroom. i pretty much keep to myself in our bedroom and he spends most of his time in the living room. he's moving out in a week and i'm basically a total emotional wreck. we put all of the bills in my name and divided up the furniture. i've cried on and off all day. i'm hoping if i just let myself feel these painful emotions i'll be better able to cope.

 

our relationship has felt pretty solid throughout our five years together, but he says he's not totally opposed to marriage, just not something he wants right now.

i think he does/did want me in his future, but it seems so reckless for me to just move that far away to be with him if he doesn't want marriage now and may never want that.

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seasickpeeve

It must be really hard to think straight when you're still living together. Hopefully in a weeks time you will have the space to be able to feel what is right for you and make sense of the situation. Take care x

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Man I'll tell ya, some guys just don't know lucky they have it.. A woman that's willing to move and everything .. He's a dumb a$& if you ask me

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LoveAnimals

Im so sorry you are going through this. I actually just went through something very similar. Unfortunately it sounds as if the relationship may have run its course. Him sleeping in separate rooms and all this distance between the both of you is a huge indicator of the state of the relationship. I just split with my ex of 5 years a few weeks ago. Im 26 and he is 28. Just a few months ago he relocated to a city 8 hours away for a job opportunity and I chose not to go with him. At the time I was starting to realize I would never get the things I wanted from life with him and he would never compromise anyway. Point is after a few months of LDR the relationship came to an end. Although I visited him and he visited me it just never felt the same and our vibe no longer felt natural.

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is, if you want to eventually get married this current relationship needs to end. He has been very honest with you, please believe him when he says he will not marry you. It has been 5 years. It sounds as if his feelings for you are mediocre and thats not fair for you. As women, now is the age where we need to start thinking about what we want with our future (whether that is marriage, kids) and not allow men to waste our time if their plans are not the same. I personally regret having wasted so many years with my ex and would hate for you to wake up one day 5 years from now and realize you will never have what you want with this guy.

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