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Should I even want her back?


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OK so I'm just going to tell you guys my story.

 

My ex broke up like a month ago after a 6-year relationship. We were not engaged but we talked about marrying, have kids, we choose all furniture together, everything even one week before she broke up. We had a good relationship, ofcourse there were fights but we were always happy together. There was only one problem; I did not have a steady job yet and she did finish her studies and possibly would have a great job in the future.

 

My ex did not live with me yet, the reason why is because of cultural differences but she was with me almost everyday untill one evening she wanted to do something with friends... later I found out she was going out with some guy from work.

I was broken when she told me she wanted to breakup (she lied about the other guy), when I found out there was another guy i was completely destroyed.

 

I went through 3 weeks of hell, not knowing what she was doing and desperately trying to get her attention and trying to contact her. Another blow came when she told me she already had sex with the guy 2 weeks after she broke up with me, which was the main thing I tried to stop her from doing. This did clear my mind a bit since I could not stop her anymore (we both had sex with eachother for the first time).

 

After 2-3 weeks she visited me a few times, which I obviously loved but shouldn't have accepted. She wasn't sure about the new guy and she even made me feel better by saying I was so much better in sex and that mine was 'bigger' and she even said we could still have a sex relationship but nothing more. I even fell into that trap by still having sex with her because I thought she would come back, but obviously she did not.

 

After 3-4 weeks she started asking me to do stuff like go have a drink or have dinner together. Again, I fell into that trap because I still thought I could win her back. She has been with me 4 times in 1 week, we did not have sex and it seemed like she either wanted me as a 'friend' or as a backup plan. She even wanted to fix me up with someone else.

 

Eventually, I decided (which I probably should have done earlier) to go no contact. I still feel like she loves me and I know she isn't happy with the new guy but she also says she can't come back to me because my whole family knows what she did.

 

I do wonder if I should go back with her if she wants to after the no contact. She lied to me and my family, slept with someone else after 2 weeks... but the 6 years before that she was my dreamgirl and I trusted her 100%.

 

Perhaps, I don't even want her back.... time will tell...

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Sucks dude. Especially after you invested 6 years into this and in a matter of two weeks was intimate with someone else. That's what you mean to her. She didn't even mourn the loss of you or the relationship. Just jumped right into bed with him regardless of your feelings.

 

 

Then she comes back and wants just a sexual relationship with you but nothing else?!?! That tells me that she wanted you to fill her physical needs and have her emotional needs met by this other dude. But, make no mistake, she would be sleeping with the both of you. Now, how is that fair to you?

 

 

Dude, she made her choice. Time to move on. Keep going strict NC on her. Dude, there are billions of girls out in the world. Go find one that knows how to be loyal.

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Learningtowalkagain

No...you shouldn't want her back. I'd go strict NC. She lied and cheated on you. She misses your companionship and feeds off the fact she KNOWS you still want her. Move on.

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Man, this site has so many stories of young love that runs it's course through the early to mid-20's. One or the other then wants more experiences with the opposite sex and leave the LTR.

 

 

OP, she's ALREADY using you as a door mat or a plan B. What she's done is not unusual at all. You both are young and she want's to sow her oats. It appears that your relationship with her ran it's course and she wasn't very cool about how it ended.

 

 

Personally, you should cut all contact with her as it's not salvageable at this point. Heal and learn from it and then go out and sow your oats as well. Just don't let her USE YOU to transition into her new single life.

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It is obvious she brook up with you to test drive the new guy. She has been feeding you breadcrumbs to keep you as her back up in case things don't work out for her and the new guy. She is your ex, you need to keep her in your past. Consider her as soiled goods and that she no longer meets your standards. Even if you took her back she will only stay until she finds your new replacement. Stay no contact, you deserve better.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Thanks for the replies.

 

It has been almost 7 weeks since the breakup. I'm sorry to say I still had some contact with her and even know she's going on a holiday in about 1 week (2 months after breakup...).

 

I'm pretty sure she has the Grass Is Greener Syndrome except I do not think she's sleeping around but just exchanged me for some other dude which she thinks is better.

 

I'm coming more and more to my senses and realise I can't never get her back. She's destroyed all my future plans for her after 6 years, ditched me for some other guy she hardly knew, destroyed my self-esteem, made me feel jealous, angry, sad and broken, she lied to me and my whole family, I've had panic attacks and stress and I will never be able to trust her again.

 

It may be childish but if she ever decides to come back I might just show her how it feels to be rejected.

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Oh yeah forgot to mention:

I'm in full no-contact now, blocked her on facebook etc.

 

Last time we messaged I told her I don't think it will be a good idea to be friends because we were in a relationship for 6 years.

 

She then messaged (normal at first):

I'm sorry you feel this way, I always been nice to you and I was faithful (wtf?), but if this is what you want i'll respect your decision.

 

Since I did not reply right away she messaged me this after 2 hours: (she was pissed now)

 

"You still don't know what you want, if you don't want any contact, Fine! so be it!"

 

She knows I would normally respond to that but I managed to ignore her.

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I'm sorry you feel this way, I always been nice to you and I was faithful (wtf?), but if this is what you want i'll respect your decision.

 

 

GG how you handled it, she's blame shifting right here.

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I you can just move on it would be better tell her you don't want to see her anymore and go NC, but if you think you want a second chance you can't sit there as back up or be "just a Friend"either, you have to make clear to her it is either you or complete NC, if she rejects you offer . move on man, if she is willing to R with you there is path to that and it starts with her admitting her fault and cutting all ties with the OM

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O

"I'm sorry you feel this way, I always been nice to you and I was faithful (wtf?), but if this is what you want i'll respect your decision."

 

"You still don't know what you want, if you don't want any contact, Fine! so be it!"

 

Wow, she's not a very nice person. She lacks empathy and is trying to remain friends with you and trying to set you up on dates so she can convince herself she's not bad person. It's all about her and her ego. That's a narcissistic trait. You are doing great by not responding to her.

 

I know the pain you went through, it's excruciating. Especially when it's a LTR. Keep up the NC, and continue on improving yourself. Get a fresh start on life and leave that loser behind.

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Stay total NC. I predict in two weeks you'll get the most pathetic groveling email imaginable. Do with it what you will... but I would suggest just ignoring it and staying NC.

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Thx for the replies.

 

I think I made it quite clear by telling her "I'm sorry I can't be friends with you because we've been in a relationship for 6 years together", I read somewhere that it's better to do it this way than just to tell her straight "It's either me or him", because that would push her in his direction.

 

There's still something in me that wants her back (otherwise I wouldn't be here probably) but she indeed is 'not a nice' person, perhaps even a psycho at this point. This is certainly not the same girl I used to love, that person is probably dead.

 

But I'm doing alright at the moment and slowly I start to realise all the things she put me through. Whether she will contact me in 2-3 weeks will probably depend on how that 'holiday' with her new guy went. She told me she would go drive 13 hours to their destination and so 13 hours back aswell. This could either strengthen their relationship or break it , in my opinion.

 

Still, 2-3 weeks is quite a long time and I probably do not even want her back by then.

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Thx for the replies.

 

I think I made it quite clear by telling her "I'm sorry I can't be friends with you because we've been in a relationship for 6 years together", I read somewhere that it's better to do it this way than just to tell her straight "It's either me or him", because that would push her in his direction.

 

There's still something in me that wants her back (otherwise I wouldn't be here probably) but she indeed is 'not a nice' person, perhaps even a psycho at this point. This is certainly not the same girl I used to love, that person is probably dead.

 

But I'm doing alright at the moment and slowly I start to realise all the things she put me through. Whether she will contact me in 2-3 weeks will probably depend on how that 'holiday' with her new guy went. She told me she would go drive 13 hours to their destination and so 13 hours back aswell. This could either strengthen their relationship or break it , in my opinion.

 

Still, 2-3 weeks is quite a long time and I probably do not even want her back by then.

You are 100% right here, You have to take control and let her know that you do not want to be a friend and ask her to stop contacting you, you are right she already made her mind to go out with the other guy for a long vacation so there is no need for the "me or him" challenge.

she will most likely continue to contact you but just stay firm and ignore her she may get mad at you first, it's normal she is used to you on her backup shelve and now you are not. there is also a possibility that her new R fails, and if that happens I will assure you she would be running back yo you aggressively, this is based on many similar stories I have followed. meanwhile wile on NC, live your life do the thing that you enjoy and why not a new date.

good luck

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Thanks I will :)

 

My ex even told me she would not know how she would feel if I got with another girl...

 

It may be childish but it would be fun if she would come crawling back, whether I take her back or not.

 

Weeks after the breakup my ex said she wasn't sure about the guy and wasn't in love (yet). Still, she also said she did not see us back in a relatinship together. I don't really know the guy she's dating now but his looks are similar to mine and he has a better career. So, it worries me that my ex might have found a guy who's "better" than me. The only thing I was way better at was in bed according to my ex...

 

If the other guy plays his cards right I don't see them breaking up soon but I do not know what's going on in my ex's mind. She only grieved about me right when we broke up (as far as I know) so I wonder if she might get those (nostalgia) feelings later on and starts missing me. You can't just forget about 6 years that easily, right ?

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Weeks after the breakup my ex said she wasn't sure about the guy and wasn't in love (yet). Still, she also said she did not see us back in a relatinship together. I don't really know the guy she's dating now but his looks are similar to mine and he has a better career. So, it worries me that my ex might have found a guy who's "better" than me. The only thing I was way better at was in bed according to my ex...

 

 

 

Man, that's frickin shallow. First off, she has the gall to tell you that you're better in bed and much "bigger" than this guy. She thinks this is to pump up your male ego. But COME ON!!! You dedicated 5-6 years of your life to her, do you honestly want to hear the person that you're in love with give you details on how she was intimate with someone else?!?!? And then suggest that you two become FWB?!?!

 

 

BUT! She's showing her true colors if she's willing to cheat on someone. (aka the guy she's currently with, with you)

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If you were one of my boys, here's what I'd tell you--

 

 

Dude, you handled this SSOO wrong. You let her CONTROL everything! Where's your pride and self esteem? She dumped you after she screwed another guy, despite your 6 year R/S!?! Who does that. So, with that information, YOU STILL let her walk all over you. You slept with her after she dumped you. YOU let her use you as an emotional crutch.. WTF!!

 

 

What you should of done? After she admitted to CHEATING ON YOU and then kicked you to the curb, you should of VANISHED from her life. Absolute NC and blocked her everywhere. Who wants a person like that in their lives in any capacity?

 

 

I'm glad you got your balls back from her and are now, FINALLY ignoring her and HOPEFULLY will stay NC. Seriously my man, let her go, heal from her and move on. NO ONE should EVER consider taking a POS like her back!

 

 

Hope I wasn't to direct but that's what I'd say to a buddy! :)

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Man, that's frickin shallow. First off, she has the gall to tell you that you're better in bed and much "bigger" than this guy. She thinks this is to pump up your male ego. But COME ON!!! You dedicated 5-6 years of your life to her, do you honestly want to hear the person that you're in love with give you details on how she was intimate with someone else?!?!? And then suggest that you two become FWB?!?!

 

 

BUT! She's showing her true colors if she's willing to cheat on someone. (aka the guy she's currently with, with you)

 

No I do not want to hear stuff like that. I knew at the time they already done it and it gave me some kind of ego boost yes. But at the time I was really weak, which is why I had sex with her... If she would return things won't be like that I promise you :)

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If you were one of my boys, here's what I'd tell you--

 

 

Dude, you handled this SSOO wrong. You let her CONTROL everything! Where's your pride and self esteem? She dumped you after she screwed another guy, despite your 6 year R/S!?! Who does that. So, with that information, YOU STILL let her walk all over you. You slept with her after she dumped you. YOU let her use you as an emotional crutch.. WTF!!

 

 

What you should of done? After she admitted to CHEATING ON YOU and then kicked you to the curb, you should of VANISHED from her life. Absolute NC and blocked her everywhere. Who wants a person like that in their lives in any capacity?

 

 

I'm glad you got your balls back from her and are now, FINALLY ignoring her and HOPEFULLY will stay NC. Seriously my man, let her go, heal from her and move on. NO ONE should EVER consider taking a POS like her back!

 

 

Hope I wasn't to direct but that's what I'd say to a buddy! :)

 

Yes you are right, like I said in the post before I was an emotional wreck and let her run all over me. The breakup was such a shock to me, I seriously did not know what to do, which is why I made all those mistakes. This was my first long term relationship and I learned from it. Next time it won't be like this. I keep you posted if anything happens in the near future.

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Another blow came when she told me she already had sex with the guy 2 weeks after she broke up with me, which was the main thing I tried to stop her from doing. This did clear my mind a bit since I could not stop her anymore (we both had sex with eachother for the first time).

Hey man, really sorry to hear you've gone through such misery. I know your pain. You know I actually think it's better she told you, let me explain.

 

I was engaged for 2 years in a 4 + year relationship. We had some issues and she decided to dump me. She gave me a "reason" for the breakup and I believed it at the time because I was in such incredible shock. I discussed the BU with family and friends and we all agreed something didn't smell right, nothing added up.

 

So I decided to do some investigating. With some luck, I stumbled onto a site for single parents. I made a quick account and with a localized search her profile popped up. In her profile, it said; "Member since 05/18/2015". This was 2 months before the BU. I was so upset to find this. I called someone who knew her and they confirmed she was dating a guy and they went to Lake Tahoe for vacation. This was only 3 weeks after the breakup. A week later I decided to check her FB page on a friends account, sure enough all new pics, smiling and happy at Lake Tahoe. None showing the guy, I figure he was taking the pics.

 

For me, this was hard. I would have been MUCH happier if she said she found a new man instead of the convoluted lies she made up. Those lies, which were pretty lame, caused me incredible grief because none of them added up and didn't sync up with her actions. If I would have known this, it would have cleared up everything and actually made it easier for me to move on.

 

I know people lie to help soften the blow of a breakup, but sometimes it does more harm than good. So you can thank your Ex for telling you the truth, that way you can wipe your hand clean of her and start your new life without any reservations.

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Hey man, really sorry to hear you've gone through such misery. I know your pain. You know I actually think it's better she told you, let me explain.

 

I was engaged for 2 years in a 4 + year relationship. We had some issues and she decided to dump me. She gave me a "reason" for the breakup and I believed it at the time because I was in such incredible shock. I discussed the BU with family and friends and we all agreed something didn't smell right, nothing added up.

 

So I decided to do some investigating. With some luck, I stumbled onto a site for single parents. I made a quick account and with a localized search her profile popped up. In her profile, it said; "Member since 05/18/2015". This was 2 months before the BU. I was so upset to find this. I called someone who knew her and they confirmed she was dating a guy and they went to Lake Tahoe for vacation. This was only 3 weeks after the breakup. A week later I decided to check her FB page on a friends account, sure enough all new pics, smiling and happy at Lake Tahoe. None showing the guy, I figure he was taking the pics.

 

For me, this was hard. I would have been MUCH happier if she said she found a new man instead of the convoluted lies she made up. Those lies, which were pretty lame, caused me incredible grief because none of them added up and didn't sync up with her actions. If I would have known this, it would have cleared up everything and actually made it easier for me to move on.

 

I know people lie to help soften the blow of a breakup, but sometimes it does more harm than good. So you can thank your Ex for telling you the truth, that way you can wipe your hand clean of her and start your new life without any reservations.

 

Hey man,

 

Not sure if i was clear on this but she actually lied the whole time. She lied to me about that 'date', She lied to me when she broke up with me, she lied to my parents (even though I already visited her facebook at that time). My parents asked her "Is there another man?" and she said "No, I would never do that to him we were together for 6 years, I don't want a relationship any time soon".

 

When I confronted her what I saw on Facebook she said "No my colleague only thought we were kissing we didn't actually do it".

 

After 2 weeks of the breakup, on a saturday she actually went official with the guy and had sex. The day after she visited me and asked me "Would you even want me If I had been with another man?" I asked her "Have you had sex already?" and she just said "No, we were too drunk to have sex" (I knew she wasn't home that night because she lives in my neighbourhood and her car was gone).

 

A few days after that I just went over there and confronted her again. This time she didn't want to tell me but because she became frustrated so she just said it eventually.

 

So, If I didn't found out myself I still wouldn't know what she was doing and perhaps I still had more hope of getting her back. Now each time I think about it, it makes me more mad but at least I slowly start to realise she probably won't get back. Even if she would come back, she's not the same girl I used to love, She has been in another relationship, she has hurt me in every way possible and I would probably never be able to trust her again. Also, my friends and family won't be pleased if I would just get in a relationship with her again.

 

Everyone can get a little confused sometimes. 3 years ago there was this colleague I used to flirt with and went on a couple of dates with but eventually I just knew It was best to stay with my gf because it didn't feel right.

 

Friends and Family saw us as a great couple, who would stay together for ever.

But the sad truth is:

The girl of my dreams who I dated for 6 years is dead... and replaced by some kind of demon, who doesn't care about my feelings anymore.

 

I'm not sure if I turned her into this demon, I do still hope she wants me back at some point, just to see she was confused at the time but with all that has been said and done I simply can't take her back. At this point I want her to feel what I've felt for weeks (almost months). I simply can't believe someone would just forget about a 6 year relationship like that.

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Come to think of it....

 

Once we broke up, I started getting on dating sites again and one time I found my ex on a website and on Tinder, which obviously hurt me aswell.

 

My ex eventually asked if I was on Tinder and I said yes, she admitted she was on Tinder aswell. Then I asked her about the other site and she said she wasn't on that one but the picture she used on that site was pretty new (at least during our relationship). If she would admit being on Tinder she would admit being on the other site aswell, right?

 

But now everything falls into place I guess... perhaps she was on there all along? Just waiting for another guy.... Everytime I discover new things I did not think clearly about before.

 

I'm not dumb but I suppose it could be my ex was just a great actor and just used me.... You would think I would've figured that out sooner, right? I still think she did not do anything before the break up (except for that date) but who knows I might think of other stuff she did.

 

PS: The evening before she had the date with the other guy, she told me she would go out with friends the day after. Ofcourse I believed her but the ****ty thing about it is that we had sex that evening and once she went home (remember she did not live at my place) She said she would miss me the day after....... how sick is that, really? She told me she would miss me even though she knew she had a date with another guy...

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Ok there's a minor update. After 15 days no-contact, my ex asked me how the festival was I went to yesterday. I don't know how she knows I was there.

 

I do think I'll stay on the no-contact, that might piss her off though.

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Ok there's a minor update. After 15 days no-contact, my ex asked me how the festival was I went to yesterday. I don't know how she knows I was there.

 

I do think I'll stay on the no-contact, that might piss her off though.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Let me help you here. She hasn't heard from you so she sends this "feeler" text to see if she still has you under her "spell". You said you learned from this and won't repeat your previous mistakes. So, with that, ignore her. She's looking for you to stroke her ego and self esteem. By giving her silence back, she'll understand MUCH better that her behavior towards you was BS and you want to move on or have moved on.

 

 

The bolded part? Really? WHO CARES if this upsets her? You're not her BF or friend. She treated you like a POS and you owe her NOTHING to include a response to HER NEEDS.

 

 

Seriously, stay NC, heal and move on to your next girl who's not a selfish douche like she was.

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Ok there's a minor update. After 15 days no-contact, my ex asked me how the festival was I went to yesterday. I don't know how she knows I was there.

 

I do think I'll stay on the no-contact, that might piss her off though.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Let me help you here. She hasn't heard from you so she sends this "feeler" text to see if she still has you under her "spell". You said you learned from this and won't repeat your previous mistakes. So, with that, ignore her. She's looking for you to stroke her ego and self esteem. By giving her silence back, she'll understand MUCH better that her behavior towards you was BS and you want to move on or have moved on.

 

 

The bolded part? Really? WHO CARES if this upsets her? You're not her BF or friend. She treated you like a POS and you owe her NOTHING to include a response to HER NEEDS.

 

 

Seriously, stay NC, heal and move on to your next girl who's not a selfish douche like she was.

 

Thx for the reply.

 

I have indeed ignored her message and soon after she noticed I was ignoring her she send another message "Well, excuse me for asking how you've been. I should've known you were disrespectful to answer me"

 

Obviously she's the last one who should talk about 'respect' but nevermind. I "ignored" that message as well and did not respond.

 

I don't think that I want her back in time, but what if I do? What would be the best thing to do right now? Wait untill she contacts me and let's me know she broke up with that guy ?

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Thx for the reply.

 

I have indeed ignored her message and soon after she noticed I was ignoring her she send another message "Well, excuse me for asking how you've been. I should've known you were disrespectful to answer me"

 

Obviously she's the last one who should talk about 'respect' but nevermind. I "ignored" that message as well and did not respond.

 

I don't think that I want her back in time, but what if I do? What would be the best thing to do right now? Wait untill she contacts me and let's me know she broke up with that guy ?

 

 

Wow.. isn't she just a princess! So, she dumps you and has a new BF, right? Then, instead of letting you move on and heal, she keeps trying to get you to stay in her life and be her "back up plan" and professional ego stoker?

 

 

You know the deal here. She wants her cake and eat it to. She wants her new BF and wants you sitting around in the bullpen, pining, clinging and making her feel all warm and fuzzy cuz you're her fall back. You know your worth more than that and should never want to be her second choice.

 

 

My pride and self esteem are WAY too important to me than to ever allow someone like her to try and manipulate me for her selfish needs. You need to continue to ignore her, heal and find your next hot GF when you're ready.

 

 

She made the decision to end the relationship and quickly start dating and screwing someone new. You owe her nothing now and it's well within your right to no longer engage with her.

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