Jump to content

Ex messaging me after NC


Recommended Posts

The last thread I made was talking about how the ex that brought me here essentially came back to me after about 3 years of NC and i didn't want her anymore.

 

If anyone remembers my thread here about my most recent ex, i spoke about how i never expected i would ever hear from her again after she ended things back in Jan/Feb, after disastrous contact from her which ended in her telling me to kill myself and that she hated me and would never forgive me. Well, she's messaged me. Our breakup was entirely my fault and i take complete blame for it. I was in a horrific headspace regarding still being hurt from my ex before her and huge bouts of anxiety and depression regarding health issues i was ignoring and all this caused me to treat this girl like a complete toy while i selfishly used her to validate myself.

 

I've since sorted my life out, (finally know what's going on with my health and am getting it sorted out) and this whole time i've not stopped thinking about her, but we've been total and complete NC and i've got on with life for the most part. She messaged me tonight saying she didn't expect me to reply but she wanted to know how i was going. We had a bit of a banter filled exchange and i kept it short and just asked her for a drink sometime next week and she agreed.

 

I want to give this a proper go with her because i feel like i cheated both of us out of a relationship that could've been really really good. If things had happened differently i'd be ignoring her message like i did with the ex before her, and dismissing it as breadcrumbs. But this feels really different, she did nothing wrong by me and i just used her. Ignoring her message felt completely wrong and i really don't think she would've reached out again.

 

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? How I should behave and interact with her? Should I even go? What does she think this meeting is gonna be? If she sees this as a "friends" thing i will be completely gutted, i miss her as a partner. I need blackbird's advice here but i think the guy's too busy living his life to frequent these parts anymore:lmao:

 

Thanks guys

 

(also, friendly daily reminder to stay NC)

Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete
Should I even go? What does she think this meeting is gonna be?

If you can answer the second question, the first will be obvious. Ask her what her intentions are at this meeting. Is she interested in trying again or is it just a friendly catch-up?

 

(also, friendly daily reminder to stay NC)

Indeed!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're asking questions that only you can answer. You know where your present head and health are at and how strong you are. We don't know.

 

 

Personally, If it were me, I wouldn't want to go meet up with someone that told me to go kill myself. But, that's just me. I don't care how bad a fight is, I would never wish that on someone. And I understand the "heat of the moment", but that's a bit too far.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

And to be honest, that might be her guilt talking. She may have had time to think about all the terrible things she said and is "testing the waters" to see if you hate her. Doesn't mean that she wants you back, she might only want to see if you hate her.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

That was completely what I thought at first Chi but she's actually agreed to meet up with me which is weird, i would've thought if she was just alleviating guilt it would've been a casual check-in type message and then disappear again (i've had this from exes before). If this was just her checking to see if i hate her then that's fine. She can have whatever victory she derives from knowing i don't hate her, because i don't have any reason to hate her. Me hating her would just be completely ridiculous and i think she should know that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, put it to the test. If you made plans to meet up for drinks, it doesn't seem like it was firmed up. See if she reaches out to you to firm up the day, time and place.

 

 

If she doesn't then it was probably a breadcrumb to ease her guilt.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm assuming she doesn't know about the cancer or that you may have even possibly had a serious illness? I am sorry to hear about it and wish you all the best.

 

Only you can answer this, but are you truly in the right frame of mind for this? How and when would you plan on bringing this up to her?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm going to do that Chi and actually just forget about this entire situation until/unless she follows up with a time/date to meet up. It makes no sense to contact her again or do anything else - it's been left at a message from me saying "Sweet. let's do early next week" and i'm not sending anything else.

 

dumbass - i'm in the right frame of mind and i'm trying to separate my feelings towards my current health situation from my feelings for her. I would bring it up with her if and only if we ended up getting involved with eachother again. Thanks for the well-wishes, appreciate it alot.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hunk,

 

 

You asked her to meet up for a drink next week. YOU need to follow up with her to nail down a place and time to do this. If you sabotaged the previous relationship and are now in a place to give her another go, then take charge here.

 

 

Follow up with her in a couple of days and lock down the place and time. If she doesn't reply or plays games about the meet, then go NC and forget about her.

 

 

How should you handle it? Treat her like someone you have interest in. Be upfront w/her and take ownership in your mistakes in the relationship and TELL HER you'd like to date her again. Don't play any stupid games. Be direct, let her know how you feel and then listen to her reply. If she's not interested in trying again, at least you know now. If she wants to be just friends and your up for that, then do it. If not, tell her no.

 

 

Let us know how it goes!

Link to post
Share on other sites
You asked her to meet up for a drink next week. YOU need to follow up with her to nail down a place and time to do this. If you sabotaged the previous relationship and are now in a place to give her another go, then take charge here.

 

I think it's a bad idea to pursue a R with someone who wants you dead (read: toxic R in general), but I agree w/AiA that since you set this in motion it's on you to follow up, simply in terms of decency and personal integrity. If you don't, it's like you're blowing her off all over again. Basic decency doesn't allow you the option of arranging a drinks meet and then not following thru.

 

I wouldn't try to reconcile over the drinks tho. If you want to genuinely be friends, great, but that whole thing's about as dead as dead can be as far as romance potential goes, and jumping back in now would be bad for you and even worse for her. Give her some resolution, sure, but don't go back to crazy town.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My money is on her bailing on him. I could be wrong. But, might spidey senses are telling me otherwise.

Link to post
Share on other sites
professor meowington

leave relationship labels out dont worry about the future or the past you cant do anything about it .. dont rush her with relationship her heart opens up slowing hang out have fun and hook dont push and force thing let grow if you really want her back..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker

If your health issues at the time were part of the reason you sabotaged the relationship, wouldn't you owe her an explanation, especially since it turned out to be such a big thing now? Are you planning on apologizing to her for what happened with the RS?

Link to post
Share on other sites

We don't know the extent of her actions in the previous relationship so apologizing

of the bat is not a good idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's a bad idea to pursue a R with someone who wants you dead (read: toxic R in general)

 

 

I agree that recycling a previous, broken up relationship is never a good idea. You're better off leaving it alone.

 

 

My point was him saying he'll wait for her to contact him about the meet when it's HIM that needs to coordinate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there hunk, you've had pretty good luck with ex's reaching out to you after some time haha.

 

My recommendation is to not talk about the relationship very much, keep it casual, try to be flirty like you would be with a new girl and feel the situation out. Pressuring her with "what do you think this is?" before hand could make her flee. She probably doesn't know how she'll feel until she sees you, I doubt she's sure of anything right now. Just hang out, have fun and maybe hook up. Hope it goes well for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think that she probably is interested in you, given that she was so hurt that you were so non committal with her and didn't really acknowledge her as a true relationship partner, but rather as someone you were using.

 

 

Anyone would be deeply pissed/hurt to find out they were being used all along, so I'm not surprised she had some harsh things to say about it.

 

 

I think you're very fortunate that she's willing to return to the situation, given all that's gone down, and if you want to make a go of it, why not go forth with your plans to meet up, to which she's already agreed?

 

 

I would definitely follow through with solidifying plans since you did suggest the meet-up, unless you are still not in the proper head space to deal with the situation, in which case you could always back out of it and say you're not ready.

 

 

The thing is that is a bit conflicting is--you mention you'll be upset if she's only interested in friendship whereas you want to be in a relationship with her, yet why did you not initiate contact with her then? I'm just wondering.

 

 

Anyway, they say luck is when preparation meets opportunity, so it could just be coincidental timing - this contact of hers.

 

 

Either way, hope it works out for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you everyone, appreciate it immensely. She got back to me this morning saying she was looking forward to it but asked if we could do it sometime later in the next few weeks because she's got big exams coming up and in her words doesn't want me to see her "looking like a corpse" and that she wants to be able to relax and have fun without stressing about school (She's a med student). She also said if i wasn't around in the next few weeks though that we could do it next week but she would just prefer a later date.

 

I told her that was fine and that she should get in touch with me when school is sorted. Is that alright? I didn't want to drag out a conversation but now after reading aloneinaz's comments maybe i should've been more assertive/less casual about it. But hell I asked her point blank out for drinks after our last contact was her telling me to die so i think that's fairly assertive. Not sure if i could've handled it any different really. The test will be if I hear from her again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The thing is that is a bit conflicting is--you mention you'll be upset if she's only interested in friendship whereas you want to be in a relationship with her, yet why did you not initiate contact with her then? I'm just wondering.

 

It was a really really messy situation, but at the end I did tell her I was sorry and really wanted to try things again, which ended up in me basically admitting that I had been using her and was still hung up on my ex (i felt like she deserved to at least know why i strung her along for so long) This obviously didn't go down well and she told me never to speak to her again and how much i'd hurt her etc. From that last message we've been total 100% NC and although i've wanted to contact her I had to respect her wishes of me leaving her alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix
Thank you everyone, appreciate it immensely. She got back to me this morning saying she was looking forward to it but asked if we could do it sometime later in the next few weeks because she's got big exams coming up and in her words doesn't want me to see her "looking like a corpse" and that she wants to be able to relax and have fun without stressing about school (She's a med student). She also said if i wasn't around in the next few weeks though that we could do it next week but she would just prefer a later date.

 

I told her that was fine and that she should get in touch with me when school is sorted. Is that alright? I didn't want to drag out a conversation but now after reading aloneinaz's comments maybe i should've been more assertive/less casual about it. But hell I asked her point blank out for drinks after our last contact was her telling me to die so i think that's fairly assertive. Not sure if i could've handled it any different really. The test will be if I hear from her again.

 

I think you handled it fine. I would just keep moving forward and if she messages back go from there. It's too bad Ruby65 isn't around anymore -- seems like she was right when she said that she still liked you despite the venomous contact from before.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I told her that was fine and that she should get in touch with me when school is sorted. Is that alright? I didn't want to drag out a conversation but now after reading aloneinaz's comments maybe i should've been more assertive/less casual about it. But hell I asked her point blank out for drinks after our last contact was her telling me to die so i think that's fairly assertive. Not sure if i could've handled it any different really. The test will be if I hear from her again.

 

Personally, I wouldn't put any measure or value in her being nasty or caustic when she learned that you may have used her. This is even more true at her age. People say all sorts of horrible things to each other during intense, emotional moments. She was CLEARLY very hurt and upset. I'd give her a hall pass for it.

 

 

It's up to you but.. if you want to see her next week, TAKE CHARGE and simply contact her back and say, "ya know, I've been thinking that I would like to see you next week if you can swing it".. That will let her know you are interested in both seeing her and talking to her. If it was me in your situation, that's what I'd do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
frigginlost
Personally, I wouldn't put any measure or value in her being nasty or caustic when she learned that you may have used her. This is even more true at her age. People say all sorts of horrible things to each other during intense, emotional moments. She was CLEARLY very hurt and upset. I'd give her a hall pass for it.

 

 

It's up to you but.. if you want to see her next week, TAKE CHARGE and simply contact her back and say, "ya know, I've been thinking that I would like to see you next week if you can swing it".. That will let her know you are interested in both seeing her and talking to her. If it was me in your situation, that's what I'd do.

 

Agree 100%.

 

 

All kinds of evil things can be said in the heat of the moment. Hurt can cause all kinds of defensive emotions.

 

 

AIA is dead on accurate, in my humble opinion...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Personally, I wouldn't put any measure or value in her being nasty or caustic when she learned that you may have used her. This is even more true at her age. People say all sorts of horrible things to each other during intense, emotional moments. She was CLEARLY very hurt and upset. I'd give her a hall pass for it.

 

 

It's up to you but.. if you want to see her next week, TAKE CHARGE and simply contact her back and say, "ya know, I've been thinking that I would like to see you next week if you can swing it".. That will let her know you are interested in both seeing her and talking to her. If it was me in your situation, that's what I'd do.

 

I definitely agree with this and i never put much thought into what she said to me, i'm not offended by any of it and it was all completely justified. I hurt her ALOT.

 

I'm just on the fence about being the one to come across really eager. I still have no idea where her head is at. I don't want this to be a situation where i'm completely misreading it and thinking she's interested again when really she just wants to catch up as friends and i look like an idiot who hasn't moved on whatsoever by saying i really want to see her ASAP. And then on the other hand i feel like i have nothing to lose and i'll get my answer in some form through her response if i do what you've said (take charge and ask for next week). :(:(:(

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're in a tough spot, you don't want to be too pushy and scare her away and you don't want to be so non-nonchalant that she thinks you're not interested or forgot about the meet up. Maybe wait until closer to her exams, wish her luck and say you're excited to have a celebratory drink with her afterwards. That way you keep the convo going and let her know you care a bit.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm just on the fence about being the one to come across really eager. I still have no idea where her head is at. I don't want this to be a situation where i'm completely misreading it and thinking she's interested again when really she just wants to catch up as friends and i look like an idiot who hasn't moved on whatsoever by saying i really want to see her ASAP. And then on the other hand i feel like i have nothing to lose and i'll get my answer in some form through her response if i do what you've said (take charge and ask for next week). :(:(:(

 

 

My point is, you're going to stew about this until you finally meet up with her. You're the one who messed up last time so it should be YOU showing her you are interested in seeing her. Again, it shows CONFIDENCE that you want to see her sooner than later. Don't play stupid games as this is someone you use to date. Be direct w/her in lining up the meet and when you sit down. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose except her maybe not feeling the same. If she doesn't want to date you again, who cares! It's not going to be that big a deal. Chances are she DOES want to see and date you again or she wouldn't agree to meet you.

 

 

Come on Hunk! Put on the big boy pants and take charge here. Girls like confident, this is what were going to do guys. As a friend use to say to me, "let them swing" (your balls).

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...