crisis state, need input

[disbelief]

hey guys, ... a little background on the situation.

 

Me and this girl had enough attraction to hop into bed together about 3 years ago. long story short we had a child very soon after. im almost 30 and shes 24.

 

our little amazing boy is now 2 years old.

 

admittedly, early in the relationship i wasn't overly into her and that probably showed in my actions - i was never bad to her but just not really good either.

 

ok fast forward to today, i have fallen in love with her and our family. i love our little guy so much - he is my world.

 

i love the things we did as a family ( help her learn to breast feed, take the kid swimming, to the park, teaching him together etc etc etc)

 

things weren't perfect between her and I but not horrible either, nothing that couldn't be fixed easily if we both wanted to fix it which of course i did. it was a bit of a bickering/fighting issue but like i said not horrible.

 

so she gets a new job three months ago, gone for 12 hrs a day with the commute. im between jobs right now so i would stay at home with our son and have dinner ready when she got home etc.

 

after three months of her being at the new job she wants out of the relationship and gives me the classic "i need to work on me" and "i need space and time"

 

at first im just so confused and heartbroken, not only for myself ( im in a ton of pain mind you) but also deeply for our son, he doesn't have his mommy and daddy anymore, just one of us at a time and for me its hard to be the same with him, im trying to be happy and play with him but im just so torn apart because his mom was always there to help me entertain him and the family dynamic was wonderful.

 

our son has been going back and forth ( she went back to her parents) and you can totally see he is confused and troubled.

 

i have told her how i wanted to change the man i was into something better and to fix our problems and to help her with her problems and everything i said was genuine, none of it matters - she still wants out.

 

ok so now for the deal breaker - i find out from her mother that she stayed in the city she works for the night because she had been drinking, and the next night as-well. this dumb founded me, its like im not even talking about the same person, she would never be away from her son for a night.

 

on top of this shes been putting cute pictures on social media and became friends with a male co-worker who would definitely fit the description/looks of somebody she would have gone to.

 

is this clear as day or am i freaking out? i feel like i need to know NOW because if its true im never looking back and our lives will be different forever.

 

she swears shes not seeing anybody but i did get her to admit that she has been flirting at work. is this a guarantee shes already sleeping with him?, i know i know.... its pretty clear but just wanted to know what your guys thoughts are and how you would proceed.

 

i think she would have too much guilt to admit it and i have asked her to admit it. she will only admit to flirting

 

im at that point in the breakup where im becoming very mad at her, its not like she was just leaving me - we have a child for crying out loud, how could you do this to all of us?

 

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say, it seems clear as day to me. She met someone new at her work and is leaving you for him. She fed you the "work on myself" line as a lame excuse.

 

Hit her with the 180.

 

How are you supporting yourself? You are presumably the main child care provider.

[disbelief]

yes , while i take care of our son threw-out the week i do eCommerce work on the side. i support myself and pay my share of the costs.

[aloneinaz]

She's VERY young and has only experienced you since, what, she was 20? Suddenly, she has a kid and a serious R/S and didn't get to experience dating other guys nor have fun like kids her age want to do before settling into marriage. You on the other hand are at the age of wanting a marriage, wife, 2.5 kids and a career.

 

 

To me, it's clear as day. She's checked out and wants to have fun and date other people. You're not going to change her mind either and pestering her to come back, cause you'll change, will only push her away.

 

 

What you should do now is worry about you and your son. Luckily, he's still young and will quickly acclimate to his new life. Let her go do her thing. You'll be fine and meet someone else who's at the same age and wants the same things as you do.

[disbelief]

She's VERY young and has only experienced you since, what, she was 20? Suddenly, she has a kid and a serious R/S and didn't get to experience dating other guys nor have fun like kids her age want to do before settling into marriage. You on the other hand are at the age of wanting a marriage, wife, 2.5 kids and a career.

 

 

To me, it's clear as day. She's checked out and wants to have fun and date other people. You're not going to change her mind either and pestering her to come back, cause you'll change, will only push her away.

 

 

What you should do now is worry about you and your son. Luckily, he's still young and will quickly acclimate to his new life. Let her go do her thing. You'll be fine and meet someone else who's at the same age and wants the same things as you do.

 

yes, i feel you are spot on. im just in that initial shocked stage especially with my son involved. i am feeling i need to implement a form of NC for my own health - Of course with kids that's impossible but to a degree its what i feel is best for me. get all her stuff to her out of my surroundings with the message im always here for our son but i need to heal and move on and get you out of my system.

[GoBlue]

I do not know for sure whether she is or if she isn't seeing another guy, but the signs are all there. It doesn't necessarily mean that she has slept with him, but it doesn't mean she hasn't. Yes, it becomes much more complicated when there is a child involved, but the situation is what it is. A relationship requires two willing participants and she has to make her own decision. It may be hard to let go and stop pursuing her, but when these situations happen, continuing the pursuit usually pushes the other person further away. It very rarely brings them closer. If you want some real and practical help I suggest the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. I know that the two of you aren't married (too bad it has taken you this long to finally "fall in love" with her) but you have been living like it, and the relational dynamics are the same. My heart does break for your son, it really does, and I hope the two of you can figure this out and set-up a family unit with marriage as the foundation. It's much harder to leave a marriage then it is a co-habiting relationship. That's why the "paper" really is important. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[disbelief]

I do not know for sure whether she is or if she isn't seeing another guy, but the signs are all there. It doesn't necessarily mean that she has slept with him, but it doesn't mean she hasn't. Yes, it becomes much more complicated when there is a child involved, but the situation is what it is. A relationship requires two willing participants and she has to make her own decision. It may be hard to let go and stop pursuing her, but when these situations happen, continuing the pursuit usually pushes the other person further away. It very rarely brings them closer. If you want some real and practical help I suggest the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. I know that the two of you aren't married (too bad it has taken you this long to finally "fall in love" with her) but you have been living like it, and the relational dynamics are the same. My heart does break for your son, it really does, and I hope the two of you can figure this out and set-up a family unit with marriage as the foundation. It's much harder to leave a marriage then it is a co-habiting relationship. That's why the "paper" really is important. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

 

thank you GoBlue, very good words. i do love her to bits and it kills me if she doesn't feel the same way but then i am diluting myself to want to continue loving her if she doesn't love me back. i know she loves me but shes not "in love" with me, too much waiting for her out there (in her mind) classic GIGS?

 

as another poster said this boils down to the fact that she is 24 and i think that is spot on.

 

shes feeling that she is missing out and her life is going to pass her by if she stays here.

 

i do believe she will come around after she figures things out, unless she gets a great relationship, timing factors etc etc. illogical and diluting to think that i should wait for such a time though.

 

 

she always talked about wanting another kid and marriage but when it came down to it she clearly showed that's not really what she wants - yet. all i can do now is take care and enjoy my son and grow to become the man i need to be. thanks guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think it's clear she's got another guy in her life. Sorry, OP. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow. Don't torment yourself by pressuring her to tell you if they've slept together. That information won't help you, it's not really your business now and she likely wouldn't be honest about it anyway.

 

Your best bet is to do what you described - go as NC as possible, with all communication focusing strictly on your parenting duties and the well-being of you son. Don't wait for her to come back around. Consider this relationship over and set up a plan to parent your boy.

[disbelief]

update on the situation....

 

i was burning up inside so bad to get answers so i just asked her strait what has been going on and that she needs to tell me so if its the case that shes sleeping with other people i know and i can move on.

 

she swore up and down and left to right that shes not sleeping with anyone and that the reason she flirted at work was because she was so unhappy in our relationship (fighting/bickering) but that shes not going to be getting into any relationships and if she was it would be with me. she also gave me some mixed signals. things like " its hard not having you two (my son and I) in my life everyday" "well maybe we can work on us and then try again" admittedly we both need work on ourselves.

 

she also made a big post on social media about how she doesn't know whats wrong with her and she needs to learn alot about herself until she can be with anyone. well this new co-worker guy she added would also see this so maybe she doesn't want him after all?

 

part of me is thinking shes just throwing breadcrumbs to watch me peck away but my heart wants to believe that we CAN make it threw this and be much stronger on the other side and have our family back.

 

 

if there wasent a kid on the line here i would just go fully NC and be done with it but this is HARD with my son in the picture.

 

after the earlier posts in this thread I swallowed the hard pill and kinda accepted that shes seeing someone else and that its over. omg, this nearly killed me, i was getting 2 hrs of sleep,horrible dreams, trouble communicating with people and my son, all of that horrible gut wrenching crap.

 

i took everyone's advise and did the 180, i basically told her im going my own way now and told her that i am going to remove her from my life so i can move on and made her pick up as much of her stuff as possible that day. i had all her clothes and nic nacks ready to go.

 

when she came to pick up our son i started loading the stuff into her car. i was giving the "im my own man" sort of vibe, not being a prick but being short and just trying to not come across like needy or im hurt etc.

 

of course the whole time im/we are doing this i just want to drop the **** and wrap my arms around her and say "wtf are we doing?"

 

i know its counter intuitive to want to believe that we can give it another shot but i do, my heart does not want to let go.

 

i have also implemented a form on NC now, i called her phone last night but this is strictly to say goodnight to my son and she sort of answered surprised and like she wanted to talk or something, i just said strait away "hey calling to say goodnight to the boy and i did, then hung up.

 

so by implementing the NC as much as possible and getting her stuff out of here i hope to be sending the "im moving on" vibe and really if thats what it comes down to i am but i have some doubts about what she really wants now too.

 

maybe she just wanted a big emotional step back and reset? is it possible to think this or am i being delusional?

 

my god love is a harsh thing but man does it teach us alot, any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks again guys.

[mightycpa]

update on the situation....

 

i was burning up inside so bad to get answers so i just asked her strait what has been going on and that she needs to tell me so if its the case that shes sleeping with other people i know and i can move on.

 

she swore up and down and left to right that shes not sleeping with anyone and that the reason she flirted at work was because she was so unhappy in our relationship (fighting/bickering) but that shes not going to be getting into any relationships and if she was it would be with me. she also gave me some mixed signals. things like " its hard not having you two (my son and I) in my life everyday" "well maybe we can work on us and then try again" admittedly we both need work on ourselves.

 

she also made a big post on social media about how she doesn't know whats wrong with her and she needs to learn alot about herself until she can be with anyone. well this new co-worker guy she added would also see this so maybe she doesn't want him after all?

 

part of me is thinking shes just throwing breadcrumbs to watch me peck away but my heart wants to believe that we CAN make it threw this and be much stronger on the other side and have our family back.

 

 

if there wasent a kid on the line here i would just go fully NC and be done with it but this is HARD with my son in the picture.

 

after the earlier posts in this thread I swallowed the hard pill and kinda accepted that shes seeing someone else and that its over. omg, this nearly killed me, i was getting 2 hrs of sleep,horrible dreams, trouble communicating with people and my son, all of that horrible gut wrenching crap.

 

i took everyone's advise and did the 180, i basically told her im going my own way now and told her that i am going to remove her from my life so i can move on and made her pick up as much of her stuff as possible that day. i had all her clothes and nic nacks ready to go.

 

when she came to pick up our son i started loading the stuff into her car. i was giving the "im my own man" sort of vibe, not being a prick but being short and just trying to not come across like needy or im hurt etc.

 

of course the whole time im/we are doing this i just want to drop the **** and wrap my arms around her and say "wtf are we doing?"

 

i know its counter intuitive to want to believe that we can give it another shot but i do, my heart does not want to let go.

 

i have also implemented a form on NC now, i called her phone last night but this is strictly to say goodnight to my son and she sort of answered surprised and like she wanted to talk or something, i just said strait away "hey calling to say goodnight to the boy and i did, then hung up.

 

so by implementing the NC as much as possible and getting her stuff out of here i hope to be sending the "im moving on" vibe and really if thats what it comes down to i am but i have some doubts about what she really wants now too.

 

maybe she just wanted a big emotional step back and reset? is it possible to think this or am i being delusional?

 

my god love is a harsh thing but man does it teach us alot, any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks again guys.

I think she's just young and horny and the last 3 years of her life were occupied, and all this has just built up without her having the usual way to dispense with it.

 

Now she can't stand it anymore, and in a way, I believe she's not sleeping with anyone, not yet anyway, but that day is coming. She's definitely out there in the bars, looking for attention and somebody is going to look good to her, and she is going to decide that she wants to bang him for a while, or maybe, she will choose to go through a variety of men for her pleasure.

 

One way or the other, that's coming, if it isn't here already.

 

She'll eventually grow out of it, so probably what you need to do is to explain to her that it is not healthy for your child to meet/become attached to the men in her life right away. Her mom will probably get on board with that idea, if you approach it correctly. The cruel irony for you is that you're going to have to enable this behavior by taking the child while she goes out and has her way, so that she doesn't let your kid get attached to the new guy(s) in her life. The likelihood is that they will come and go; what mid 20's guy wants to get involved in raising somebody else's kid when the pining daddy is still around? Most won't want that, and there will be some who are just in it for the sex anyway.

 

I guess that's a long-winded way of saying there ain't a damn thing you can do. You might want to make damn sure she can't get pregnant.

[aloneinaz]

I get the whole "I wanted to put my arms around here and ask WTF are we doing", I really do. Been there, done that, have the receipt.

 

 

What you can do now is what you're doing. You may talk to a lawyer about drafting a parenting plan to protect your rights and visitation with the child. You never know what people can do in situations like this. She could turn on you and not let you see your child. Protect yourself and your son.

 

 

I'm sure she's simply having a 1/4 life crisis as I've stated before. There's really nothing you can do about it either. She needs to navigate thru it. What you do need to do is think with you brain and not your heart, as hard as it is. Do what you're doing in having limited contact and try and heal from this break up. Once all this pain and hurt eases, you'll be able to think more rationally about it.

[disbelief]

So you guys really think because of her age and being tied up for the last three years that I don't have a chance in hell of bringing her home and I should fully let go and move on?

[mightycpa]

So you guys really think because of her age and being tied up for the last three years that I don't have a chance in hell of bringing her home and I should fully let go and move on?

If you can forgive her for the stuff that she's going to do, then you could always wait in agony.

 

She might get a taste of it and run. She might really like doing that stuff.

 

I had an ex like that once, it wasn't my child, but man, her kid just turned three, and she went off on a tear. Got pregnant again, by another guy, didn't work out with him either. As she got older, it was more difficult for her to find men, and long story short, she's a dedicated and lifelong serial monogamist with two failed marriages of short duration. Still boy-hungry too.

 

So that's one scenario. Another is that she gets this out of her system. Only time will tell. But she's going to go over the line for a while, that's for sure. If you can't live with that, then the smart money says to start learning how to detach emotionally now, because you're going to have to watch her life at least a little until your kid is an adult.

[disbelief]

thanks for all the great info guys.

 

another update.....

 

 

the more that time passes i feel like the breakup occurred from a combination of factors.

 

something that is dawning on me more and more as the breakup progresses is why i wasn't good to her early on. i feel like because i was never REALLY into her i treated her badly and probably never should have been with her in the first place. i didn't force myself out of the relationship then because i was so insecure that someone wanted me and i had no experience ( this was my first long term relationship in a long time )

 

another reason i feel i wasn't overly into her is i wasn't hugely sexually attracted to her and as a result the sex for me wasn't super great or powerful.

 

"i think" the reason im feeling so hurt and messed up is because 1. she dumped me and i got rejected 2. my life is changing so dramatically 3. we had a family unit and 4. i feel like i caused it by taking her for granted the whole time.

 

I feel like if i showed her true love from the beginning that this probably wouldn't be happening now but i didn't show her true love because i didn't TRULY love her?

 

i have been going from feelings of feeling free and relieved to feelings of missing her. i think i am confused myself and having our son in the picture is making it even harder to see things clear.

 

maybe i am diluting myself thinking that i want her back but i feel like if we went back now we would know what is important because i feel like i do truly love her now, even with her flaws that turned me off before... or am i lieing to myself again?

 

closer to the end of the relationship she couldn't give me affection and i always asked her for it. she always said you need someone who can do that for you and i was like " meh , lets just work on it " not knowing that it has been my fault the whole time shes not giving me affection.

 

 

knowing all this now i had to call a meeting at the park yesterday. the park was good becuase our son could run around while i could try and talk to her about everything i have learned since the breakup, i just HAD to talk to her.

 

I told her all the things that i think why the relationship went sour. as i was telling her everything, i felt that i was coming from a neutral place, that either way it goes we will all be ok and i think she picked up on that. I think i am truly recognizing that whatever happens I will be ok.

 

she was still set on her decision but said some things like "well maybe if you would have changed six months ago" and stuff like that.

 

i told her that she has been tied down for 3 years with a kid in a somewhat toxic relationship and that she needs to go out and have fun and explore and feel free and she agreed but also said things like " ya i do but i am ready to settle down, maybe not get married in 6 months but its what i want"

 

so maybe i need to turn the camera on myself and just take a damn good look at whats really going on and realize what really happened.

 

i do feel like i want her and our family back still though, i loved our family but didn't show it and now i think i have to hold myself accountable.

 

i changed gears with her completely again from being the stand offish guy that just got dumped to someone that has accepted whats happening and just wants the best for all of us ( her, me and our boy). i apologized for being so inconsistent but told her i was just making my way threw all the pain and changes etc.

 

i also told her that lets be careful what new men and woman we bring into our sons life and that it takes time to truly know someone to find out if they are worthy of being in his life ( she agrees with this very much). I also told her that i worry about her being hurt again and again and to be careful with her feelings ( i have a suspicion she could be a serial monogamist as a earlier poster said, she has been threw quite a few relationships and was sexually abused by her bio dad and step dad)

 

she said shes not seeing anyone and its not her main focus, she said she just wants to be truly happy and that she wants to work on herself above all else.

 

now maybe after she feels this difference in me for awhile she would want to try again? especially since she has a child with me.

 

i think im truly at the point that i could go either way, i know i will be ok either way in the end just such a huge change and i do love them huge.

 

any input will be much appreciated. this site has been a huge help getting me threw all the confusion. thanks again guys.