Just tell me, if it's my fault or not...

[Lorenza]

Hey guys,

I would like to share my breakup story and get some opinions whether or not it was my fault my relationship ended and I got dumped so harshly. Would help me a great deal, so thank you in advance for reading and giving inputs.

 

First of all, this relationship didn't start off well. We dated for two weeks and he dumped me because he misunderstood my uncertainty for not being completely healed from my last breakup, not thinking big enough and not being great enough for him to admire me. But somehow we got back on track, I showed a different side of me, relaxed and became enjoyable for him. He acted like he is really in love with me for about 6 months - would let me come over often, took care of me, bought me expensive presents and took me on a trip. In return I tried my best to really meet his expectations and be a nice girl to be around, though I wasn't always perfect, there were days I would be a bit bitchy or insecure.

 

Another thing is, this guy always felt superior, cause of his older age, more experience and, in his word, much deeper understanding of how things should be done. He thought veeeeeery highly of himself (to the point he was oblivious to some things), without any specific reason, cause there was nothing really special about his background and what he was occupied with. Basically quite lazy and self-important, with emotional baggage of 1 failed marriage, 2 kids and a long term relationship with a wonderful woman which he ended for no good reason. But I loved him for other qualities and was willing to take the downsides, be an obedient good girl, listen to his important advice (while he never took mine, because... he just knows better) and try to be happy and not to bitch too much. I'd always say sorry, for whatever he was upset about, even if I thought it's a complete nonsense. Was basically a bit of doormat, but he demanded me to be that way.

 

Then once he blew up for no good reason, and the relationship changed. No longer presents, less meetings, started acting like he is doing a favor by being with me, who is so flawed and needs to grow up to his level (his own words). Still often treated me very nicely, dinner, massages etc, and we had a lot of lovely times laughing and being cozy together, often told me compliments, but picked on me more and more, always finding some small things which he blew up, accused me of not being grateful enough, if I did anything wrong. Many times said hurtful things like "I'm not sure if you, who's born to crawls, will ever fly" and never even thought that it's wrong, cause in his mind I deserved it by being reckless and not sharp enough.

 

Then he broke up with me. It was during our vacations, after a day full of kisses, hugs and cozy time watching series. There was no period of us getting colder, we continued to have frequent sex, continued to plan the future trips etc etc. And then BAM! A little fight in the evening, and it was over. I bitched about something, and he just exploded and said I have just used all my chances to become a better person for him. He drove me to my family house, no explanations, no emotions, no nothing. After acting all loving for the whole day! Haven't seen him since then, and it's been 2,5 weeks. Talked on facebook, but he never got into any conversations about the breakup and acted so done with me.

 

Was it my fault of not showing enough gratitude for his nice treatments? Does he have a right to demand me to grow to some certain level (he's not even at himself) and is it legit to dump me for that? Does it sound from all this, that I could have not done something to make him feel appreciated? I don't know what to think... I wasn't some miraculous girlfriend, but I tried my best to be funny, sexy and nice to be around, so wtf... He often looked at me with loving eyes, laughing and saying "you're such a dork", though never said he loved me... It hurts to think I could have done more

What impression do you get?

Edited July 28, 2015 by Lorenza

[aloneinaz]

Hey guys,

 

 

not being great enough for him to admire me. and became enjoyable for him.

 

 

would let me come over often, I tried my best to really meet his expectations

 

be an obedient good girl,

 

 

I'd always say sorry, for whatever he was upset about, even if I thought it's a complete nonsense.

 

 

Was basically a bit of doormat, but he demanded me to be that way.

 

Many times said hurtful things like "I'm not sure if you, who's born to crawls, will ever fly"

 

used all my chances to become a better person for him.

 

Was it my fault of not showing enough gratitude

 

It hurts to think I could have done more

 

 

 

 

What impression do you get?

 

 

The impression I get from reading this is that you have some work to do on yourself in the area of self respect, self esteem, confidence and pride.

 

 

Not many women, especially ones that have good self worth would put up with a guy like this for more than a day or two before telling him to F-off to never speak with them again.

 

 

Healthy, loving relationships are built on mutual respect, caring and understanding. These quotes from you pretty strongly illustrate your deep insecurity and low self esteem about yourself in that you'd tolerate his behavior.

 

 

Be glad he's gone and that you now have time to work on you to prevent having and tolerating another douche bag BF like this guy was.

[ExpatInItaly]

What impression do I get?

 

He's a narcissistic jackass who never really loved you in the first place. Sorry, blunt, I know. But it's painfully obvious he liked you only when you boosted his precious ego or when he thought he could put you in your place. When you didn't serve that purpose, he tossed you aside.

 

You won't believe me now, but this is a blessing in disguise. Men like this are bad news and not to be trusted. No, it's not your fault. Just say far away from him. He isn't sincere and I don't get the sense he ever really was.

[oldshirt]

I only read the first paragraph and I had all the info I need. I didn't even read the rest.

 

 

Yes, you made a monumental mistake from day one.

 

 

Now that I have your attention, hear me out. Your mistake is that you tried to be someone and something you are not, just to fit into a mold that you think he wanted. you weren't yourself.

 

 

The only way someone can like you and want to be with you for you, is if you are true to yourself and are yourself. You can't play-act and pretend to be something that you are not and expect people to like you for you.

 

 

You need to be yourself and then people are either going to want to be with you or they will decline. At first that seems counterintuitive because rejection and having someone not want to be with you is bad right?

 

 

WRONG!!!

you want people to self filter themselves out of your life so that the people that will like you and want to be with the real you can find you and develop a relationship with you.

 

 

This guy may have had sparkly blue eyes and rippling biceps and a social status that you liked, but if you have to transform yourself into someone and something that you are not in order to be with him, then it is all fake and built on untruths. your relationship with him was a sham.

 

 

The real clincher here is he did not really reject you. He rejected the character you were portraying to him. You basically made a wild ass guess as to what kind of girl he'd like and you tried to transform yourself into that girl. The problem is you have no clue what kind of girl he will connect with. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW.

 

 

So yes, you shot yourself in the foot on this one. You screwed up.

 

 

You screwed up but it is an easy fix. From now on, just be yourself. Don't try to be someone or something else. If you are yourself and someone takes a liking to you, it is for real.

 

 

If someone doesn't take a liking to you and moves on, then they aren't getting in the way anymore.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The impression I get from reading this is that you have some work to do on yourself in the area of self respect, self esteem, confidence and pride.

 

 

Not many women, especially ones that have good self worth would put up with a guy like this for more than a day or two before telling him to F-off to never speak with them again.

 

 

Healthy, loving relationships are built on mutual respect, caring and understanding. These quotes from you pretty strongly illustrate your deep insecurity and low self esteem about yourself in that you'd tolerate his behavior.

 

 

Be glad he's gone and that you now have time to work on you to prevent having and tolerating another douche bag BF like this guy was.

 

AMEN!

 

OP, read this carefully. These are words to live by.

 

My advice? You need to take a break from men and relationships and work on yourself. Until then you'll continue in this vicious circle where you continue attracting the same horrible men and continue making the same horrible mistakes.

 

Good luck.

[Lorenza]

The impression I get from reading this is that you have some work to do on yourself in the area of self respect, self esteem, confidence and pride.

 

 

Not many women, especially ones that have good self worth would put up with a guy like this for more than a day or two before telling him to F-off to never speak with them again.

 

 

Healthy, loving relationships are built on mutual respect, caring and understanding. These quotes from you pretty strongly illustrate your deep insecurity and low self esteem about yourself in that you'd tolerate his behavior.

 

 

Be glad he's gone and that you now have time to work on you to prevent having and tolerating another douche bag BF like this guy was.

 

Yes, I know I'm an insecure person... The crazy thing is that this relationship is still the best thing that happened to me in the last 8 years or smth. Maybe I myself pushed him into disrespecting me, cause he always admired my looks and supported my talents, but my over the top humbleness and fear of not pleasing might have repulsed him.

[Lorenza]

I only read the first paragraph and I had all the info I need. I didn't even read the rest.

 

 

Yes, you made a monumental mistake from day one.

 

 

Now that I have your attention, hear me out. Your mistake is that you tried to be someone and something you are not, just to fit into a mold that you think he wanted. you weren't yourself.

 

 

The only way someone can like you and want to be with you for you, is if you are true to yourself and are yourself. You can't play-act and pretend to be something that you are not and expect people to like you for you.

 

 

You need to be yourself and then people are either going to want to be with you or they will decline. At first that seems counterintuitive because rejection and having someone not want to be with you is bad right?

 

 

WRONG!!!

you want people to self filter themselves out of your life so that the people that will like you and want to be with the real you can find you and develop a relationship with you.

 

 

This guy may have had sparkly blue eyes and rippling biceps and a social status that you liked, but if you have to transform yourself into someone and something that you are not in order to be with him, then it is all fake and built on untruths. your relationship with him was a sham.

 

 

The real clincher here is he did not really reject you. He rejected the character you were portraying to him. You basically made a wild ass guess as to what kind of girl he'd like and you tried to transform yourself into that girl. The problem is you have no clue what kind of girl he will connect with. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW.

 

 

So yes, you shot yourself in the foot on this one. You screwed up.

 

 

You screwed up but it is an easy fix. From now on, just be yourself. Don't try to be someone or something else. If you are yourself and someone takes a liking to you, it is for real.

 

 

If someone doesn't take a liking to you and moves on, then they aren't getting in the way anymore.

 

Well, the first paragraph doesn't sum it up at all and I suggest you read the whole thing before making complete wrong conclusion.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yes, I know I'm an insecure person... The crazy thing is that this relationship is still the best thing that happened to me in the last 8 years or smth. Maybe I myself pushed him into disrespecting me, cause he always admired my looks and supported my talents, but my over the top humbleness and fear of not pleasing might have repulsed him.

 

Dating an overly insecure person is exhausting and can be a huge turn off for any man or woman. So yes, I'm sure that didn't help matters but at the same time you can't put this guy on some kind of a pedal stool and worship him like some God either. He's human and he needs to take some responsibility for his own actions (or inaction) just as you do.

 

Again, I encourage you to spend this time working on yourself so you can become the best version of yourself for yourself.

[Lorenza]

Dating an overly insecure person is exhausting and can be a huge turn off for any man or woman. So yes, I'm sure that didn't help matters but at the same time you can't put this guy on some kind of a pedal stool and worship him like some God either. He's human and he needs to take some responsibility for his own actions (or inaction) just as you do.

 

Again, I encourage you to spend this time working on yourself so you can become the best version of yourself for yourself.

 

Also, just not to give a wrong impression - I'm insecure, but not about my looks or my career. There I'm confident. I'm insecure when it comes to relationships, who's fault is what, dealing with anger etc etc. Saw my parents marriage fail, and it only made me think I should do everything in my power to not let a relationship break, even if it means saying sorry and being a doormat. It's wrong, I know...

[Michelle ma Belle]

Also, just not to give a wrong impression - I'm insecure, but not about my looks or my career. There I'm confident. I'm insecure when it comes to relationships, who's fault is what, dealing with anger etc etc. Saw my parents marriage fail, and it only made me think I should do everything in my power to not let a relationship break, even if it means saying sorry and being a doormat. It's wrong, I know...

 

It is wrong Lorenza and you deserve better than that particularly when it comes to relationships.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have confidence in other aspects of your life which certainly helps. You can build from that.

 

Being a doormat or taking the blame for all the failures and problems in a relationship will NEVER bring you happiness.

[Lorenza]

Also, in the beginning he stated that the only thing that matters to him is that I am happy and ambitious. I was at the point of starting my own business and he really helped me to shape my goals and gave many good advice. I would also come home to him and he would often take care of me (though I often cooked something nice too). I allowed him to do that, since he was 24/7 at home (from from home a few hours per day) and I was away the whole day working my ass off, on what I saw as something for the great future of our both. He seemed to be happy to take care of me, until one he exploded that I don't show enough gratefulness. I didn't know what he meant, since I always thanked him for his kindness, was always in a good mood and we had great evenings together, almost with no exception. Then suddenly this taking care ended, me still baffled over what happened. After that, the demands kept on coming. Need to take more care of him, need to be more sharp, do things more professionally, would often say that I'm not doing that well as he would like me to, he didn't like the songs i wrote for him or the paintings I painted didn't suit his interior. I just don't get it... Was it cause I let take care of me too much? He would often say he does it with love... What gratefulness could I show? I'd clean, cook, be nice, what else? I don't get it...

[Lorenza]

It is wrong Lorenza and you deserve better than that particularly when it comes to relationships.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have confidence in other aspects of your life which certainly helps. You can build from that.

 

Being a doormat or taking the blame for all the failures and problems in a relationship will NEVER bring you happiness.

 

Thanks for saying that Michelle!

[Seralynette]

Your ex sounds so much like mine (just broke up with him officially a few hours ago too!) ... and people tell me that he's terrible. Except I can't imagine you going through all the putting down he did on you for so long! You have too much kindness and tolerance on him.

 

Don't let your ex's behaviour confuse you. You sound like you truly do make a good lover for a good man - it's just a pity that he picked you up to, as been told, boost his own ego! It's terrible that he doesn't try to be more understanding to you, especially since you have a scarring background.

 

Shame on him! And lots of prayers for you to heal up soon.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Also, in the beginning he stated that the only thing that matters to him is that I am happy and ambitious. I was at the point of starting my own business and he really helped me to shape my goals and gave many good advice. I would also come home to him and he would often take care of me (though I often cooked something nice too). I allowed him to do that, since he was 24/7 at home (from from home a few hours per day) and I was away the whole day working my ass off, on what I saw as something for the great future of our both. He seemed to be happy to take care of me, until one he exploded that I don't show enough gratefulness. I didn't know what he meant, since I always thanked him for his kindness, was always in a good mood and we had great evenings together, almost with no exception. Then suddenly this taking care ended, me still baffled over what happened. After that, the demands kept on coming. Need to take more care of him, need to be more sharp, do things more professionally, would often say that I'm not doing that well as he would like me to, he didn't like the songs i wrote for him or the paintings I painted didn't suit his interior. I just don't get it... Was it cause I let take care of me too much? He would often say he does it with love... What gratefulness could I show? I'd clean, cook, be nice, what else? I don't get it...

 

Not necessarily. Personally he sounds like an overgrown baby and BIG trouble. Honestly, YOU should be grateful he's gone. His demands and demeanor would have only gotten worse! I've seen this many times before when I worked with domestic violence cases. This might not feel like it but there are some similarities that are eerie. Emotional abuse comes to mind. Tread carefully my friend.

[keebee]

The only way this could be your fault is that you're probably not ready for any sort of romantic relationship, with him or anyone else. You need to feel good about yourself, who you are, what you've accomplished before you can be involved w/ someone else romantically. I read in one of your replies that you are only insecure in relationships, but that can be worked on and SHOULD be worked on before you date again

 

However, even if you were secure and had perfect self-esteem, this relationship wouldn't have worked out. This guy is mean, self-absorbed, and apparently very immature. Who says to someone they love that they need to get up to their level or that they are currently crawling and may never be able to fly? Those are just mean things. If you love someone or even if you're just a decent human being, you don't say that to someone you're with. Your insecurity/trying to please him did not make him that way. If he was a nice guy and your insecurity/people-pleasing tendencies turned him off, he would have just broken up with you without breaking you down.

 

I did pretty much the same thing you did. After my divorce, my self-esteem was in the toilet re: men and I didn't build myself up enough before I started dating again. Sure enough, I got into a relationship and went right back to being insecure and unsure of myself. I tried to be what I *thought* my bf wanted, so I put up with him blowing off promises, lying, etc. because I wanted to be "cool" and "not needy." It was stupid and all it did was disrespectful to myself. Through counseling and working on your self-love, you can get to the stage where you KNOW that you are great exactly as you are and that any guy who wants to change you is not right for you.

 

It's important to not have a scarcity mindset when it comes to relationships. You think wow, he likes me THIS MUCH, I gotta hang onto him and be what he wants and make him happy. In reality, there are lots of guys with whom you can be happy and build a mutually fulfilling relationship. It's important to get to the point where you can understand that if one doesn't work out or isn't good to you, you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and find someone who loves you without wanting to change you

 

Kate

[Lorenza]

Not necessarily. Personally he sounds like an overgrown baby and BIG trouble. Honestly, YOU should be grateful he's gone. His demands and demeanor would have only gotten worse! I've seen this many times before when I worked with domestic violence cases. This might not feel like it but there are some similarities that are eerie. Emotional abuse comes to mind. Tread carefully my friend.

 

Yea, I think he might be having some form of narcissistic personality disorder, cause some of the things he says and expect are just pure nonsense. But knowing, that he might have a problem just makes it harder for me, cause I'd like to be there are help instead

[Lorenza]

The only way this could be your fault is that you're probably not ready for any sort of romantic relationship, with him or anyone else. You need to feel good about yourself, who you are, what you've accomplished before you can be involved w/ someone else romantically. I read in one of your replies that you are only insecure in relationships, but that can be worked on and SHOULD be worked on before you date again

 

However, even if you were secure and had perfect self-esteem, this relationship wouldn't have worked out. This guy is mean, self-absorbed, and apparently very immature. Who says to someone they love that they need to get up to their level or that they are currently crawling and may never be able to fly? Those are just mean things. If you love someone or even if you're just a decent human being, you don't say that to someone you're with. Your insecurity/trying to please him did not make him that way. If he was a nice guy and your insecurity/people-pleasing tendencies turned him off, he would have just broken up with you without breaking you down.

 

I did pretty much the same thing you did. After my divorce, my self-esteem was in the toilet re: men and I didn't build myself up enough before I started dating again. Sure enough, I got into a relationship and went right back to being insecure and unsure of myself. I tried to be what I *thought* my bf wanted, so I put up with him blowing off promises, lying, etc. because I wanted to be "cool" and "not needy." It was stupid and all it did was disrespectful to myself. Through counseling and working on your self-love, you can get to the stage where you KNOW that you are great exactly as you are and that any guy who wants to change you is not right for you.

 

It's important to not have a scarcity mindset when it comes to relationships. You think wow, he likes me THIS MUCH, I gotta hang onto him and be what he wants and make him happy. In reality, there are lots of guys with whom you can be happy and build a mutually fulfilling relationship. It's important to get to the point where you can understand that if one doesn't work out or isn't good to you, you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and find someone who loves you without wanting to change you

 

Kate

 

 

Thanks Kate, this was a very helpful post

 

You are probably right about not being ready for a romantic relationship, though it's sad to realize that, cause I feel like I have so much love to give. Even though this guy was demeaning whenever he was upset, we still had a lot of nice moments together and he was often affectionate and kind. I will miss that a lot if I take time off relationships (though probably that would be the right thing to do).

 

But yea, such words shouldn't be told to a loved one... There were even times he was so upset with me (for no huge reason either) that he wouldn't even give me a hand while while it was slippery and I wore heels. Such things hurt a lot... For some reason I let those go and thought, that his sweetness makes up it.

 

I can relate to you about trying to be cool and not needy. When that guy reduced the number of our weekly meeting, I felt that I want to meet more, but didn't complain and let him decide. Or not complain about him spending weekends with his friends instead and rarely taking me. As you say, it's just a mere lack of self-love...

 

Very wise words, really. Made me think. Thanks again xx

[aloneinaz]

Listen,

 

 

STOP making excuses for this guy. Only you both know exactly what transpired in that relationship. Your version of the story indicates that YOU should of kicked his butt to the curb a long time ago, when he started demonstrating this behavior.

 

 

Some people have issues where they always feel they are at fault in bad relationships. Something THEY are doing is causing all the problems and then tolerate abusive, toxic people for years. It can even escalate into physical abuse when the partner feels she's doing something to HIM to cause the physical abuse. This is what you need to explore in yourself. Dig deep into why you felt the way you did in that dysfunctional R/S and stuck around in it for far too long.

 

 

If you're attractive and have things going for you, then you know you're worthy of a good person to love. Some people with deep insecurities about their looks or maybe they are not terribly attractive, tend to put up with toxic people in their lives for fear of NOT attracting someone else. This doesn't appear to be the case for you.

[JADIE]

Well, the first paragraph doesn't sum it up at all and I suggest you read the whole thing before making complete wrong conclusion.

 

I did read the whole thing, and frankly think oldshirt is SPOT ON! It took me years to realize exactly what he's saying. Young people tend to be rather nebulous when maturing and forming their personality, but have to stay true to the core of who they are, not who someone else wants them to be...

 

Maybe some of us just have to get to middle age before we learn to say "F*ck it if you can't take me like I am!" particularly if we've spent a lifetime pleasing others and taking pains not to offend or hurt anyone else with our actions.

[Lorenza]

Listen,

 

 

STOP making excuses for this guy. Only you both know exactly what transpired in that relationship. Your version of the story indicates that YOU should of kicked his butt to the curb a long time ago, when he started demonstrating this behavior.

 

 

Some people have issues where they always feel they are at fault in bad relationships. Something THEY are doing is causing all the problems and then tolerate abusive, toxic people for years. It can even escalate into physical abuse when the partner feels she's doing something to HIM to cause the physical abuse. This is what you need to explore in yourself. Dig deep into why you felt the way you did in that dysfunctional R/S and stuck around in it for far too long.

 

 

If you're attractive and have things going for you, then you know you're worthy of a good person to love. Some people with deep insecurities about their looks or maybe they are not terribly attractive, tend to put up with toxic people in their lives for fear of NOT attracting someone else. This doesn't appear to be the case for you.

 

Well basically this relationship is the closest I've got to being happy in the love area. Sounds crazy, right? Before this guy, I had another who had issues with showing affection, sexual drive (like, non-existent) and generally not wanting to be in a relationship but staying, cause we were attached to each other. The sexless relationship lasted for 3 years. So after that it felt like a huuuuuge different to have someone who kissed, hugged and wanted me all the time. Also, I saw my parents marriage fail, moved to a foreign country at the age of 19 where I had nothing... All this added up to me really craving that warmth and security of a relationship, to the point where I would tolerate a looot, and justify things. I can honestly say I would have continued to tolerate it. You see, even now, when I read comments on here and before that heard my friends say that my ex was an idiot, I still go around thinking: but he was nice, but maybe i didn't do my best, but maybe I deserved it by being so flawed, maybe i was too selfish etc etc. I understand, but keep on doing it. Maybe need some professional help...

[Lorenza]

I did read the whole thing, and frankly think oldshirt is SPOT ON! It took me years to realize exactly what he's saying. Young people tend to be rather nebulous when maturing and forming their personality, but have to stay true to the core of who they are, not who someone else wants them to be...

 

Maybe some of us just have to get to middle age before we learn to say "F*ck it if you can't take me like I am!" particularly if we've spent a lifetime pleasing others and taking pains not to offend or hurt anyone else with our actions.

 

Well, the only thing I have to say is that I WAS who I am, but it started being not enough for him, who expected me to grow to some certain level while being with him. What was endearing (like my clumsiness and doing things slow in the kitchen), started to be a topic to criticize.

 

A good example is a song I wrote to him, took me such freaking long time to write, cause he wanted it in a certain genre which I'm not a pro at. I finally wrote it (took 2 months longer than he requested) and thought it was pretty damn good, when he heard it, he said: "it's a good melody, but you didn't do your best on the lyrics. Rewrite them." And I did do my best on the lyrics...

 

That's how it was all the time, he liked a part of me, but the other part he wanted me to "rewrite". The worst is, that part wasn't more serious than a bunch of petty flaws, like my casual forgetfulness, taking to long with things or reacting to slow, getting a bit whiny on pms etc. Stuff everyone has... Stuff he has. It's so demotivating that someone can dump you for such reasons

Edited July 28, 2015 by Lorenza
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[aloneinaz]

Well basically this relationship is the closest I've got to being happy in the love area. Sounds crazy, right? Before this guy, I had another who had issues with showing affection, sexual drive (like, non-existent) and generally not wanting to be in a relationship but staying, cause we were attached to each other. The sexless relationship lasted for 3 years. So after that it felt like a huuuuuge different to have someone who kissed, hugged and wanted me all the time. Also, I saw my parents marriage fail, moved to a foreign country at the age of 19 where I had nothing... All this added up to me really craving that warmth and security of a relationship, to the point where I would tolerate a looot, and justify things. I can honestly say I would have continued to tolerate it. You see, even now, when I read comments on here and before that heard my friends say that my ex was an idiot, I still go around thinking: but he was nice, but maybe i didn't do my best, but maybe I deserved it by being so flawed, maybe i was too selfish etc etc. I understand, but keep on doing it. Maybe need some professional help...

 

 

I think it would benefit you in a big way to talk to a professional. I'd suggest a psychologist vs. a therapist. They have a lot more training and experience and could direct you towards some good self help material while providing therapy.

 

 

We all want healthy, loving, mutual respecting relationships form our partners. This is what the dating process is all about. You meet someone that you like, are attracted to and have a connection with. You then date for a few months. If red flags start appearing like you described in your last two relationships, you end them and try again. When my last ex and I broke up, I must have went on 10 dates over two months. I dated 2-3 of them for several weeks until things that were deal breakers appeared. I then ended them. I wasn't going to SETTLE for a half assed relationship with personalities or other traits I didn't care for. I then got very lucky and had a date with a women who has the best mental health I've ever seen. We've been together 2 years now and I couldn't be happier. Is she perfect, nope and neither am I. But what she provides is almost everything I want in a relationship.

 

 

When you heal from this last R/S and start dating, be picky. Don't settle for someone with MAJOR issues like you've described your last two BF's. Try different people on and when you find one you like, date them and see where it goes. You'll find a good one. As my Mom use to say "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess".. So very true.

[oldshirt]

I only read the first paragraph and I had all the info I need. I didn't even read the rest.

 

 

Yes, you made a monumental mistake from day one.

 

 

Now that I have your attention, hear me out. Your mistake is that you tried to be someone and something you are not, just to fit into a mold that you think he wanted. you weren't yourself.

 

 

The only way someone can like you and want to be with you for you, is if you are true to yourself and are yourself. You can't play-act and pretend to be something that you are not and expect people to like you for you.

 

 

You need to be yourself and then people are either going to want to be with you or they will decline. At first that seems counterintuitive because rejection and having someone not want to be with you is bad right?

 

 

WRONG!!!

 

you want people to self filter themselves out of your life so that the people that will like you and want to be with the real you can find you and develop a relationship with you.

 

 

This guy may have had sparkly blue eyes and rippling biceps and a social status that you liked, but if you have to transform yourself into someone and something that you are not in order to be with him, then it is all fake and built on untruths. your relationship with him was a sham.

 

 

The real clincher here is he did not really reject you. He rejected the character you were portraying to him. You basically made a wild ass guess as to what kind of girl he'd like and you tried to transform yourself into that girl. The problem is you have no clue what kind of girl he will connect with. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW.

 

 

So yes, you shot yourself in the foot on this one. You screwed up.

 

 

You screwed up but it is an easy fix. From now on, just be yourself. Don't try to be someone or something else. If you are yourself and someone takes a liking to you, it is for real.

 

 

If someone doesn't take a liking to you and moves on, then they aren't getting in the way anymore.

 

 

 

In the interest of fairness I did go back and read your entire post.

 

 

I am not going to change a single word to what I said above however.

 

 

For some reason, you tried to become someone else for this buttwad. IMHO it is a testament to your good character that he didn't want to stay with you.

 

 

He is either an ass, a dick or some kind of narcissist with an actual personality disorder, I haven't been able to figure out which because he has elements of all of those things.

 

 

If you aren't a narcissistic ass with a personality disorder yourself, then while in the name of all that is Holy are you trying to change into somebody else for a jerkwad like that?????

 

 

I assume you are a good person and would make a perfectly good girlfriend for a good and decent man so if you are true to yourself, the right person will be there for you.

 

 

You have been blessed here that this person walked away. Thank you lucky stars he is gone. Now be yourself and let nature take it's course and let a good man into your life.

[mightycpa]

Hey guys,

I would like to share my breakup story and get some opinions whether or not it was my fault my relationship ended and I got dumped so harshly. Would help me a great deal, so thank you in advance for reading and giving inputs.

 

First of all, this relationship didn't start off well. We dated for two weeks and he dumped me because he misunderstood my uncertainty for not being completely healed from my last breakup, not thinking big enough and not being great enough for him to admire me. But somehow we got back on track, I showed a different side of me, relaxed and became enjoyable for him. He acted like he is really in love with me for about 6 months - would let me come over often, took care of me, bought me expensive presents and took me on a trip. In return I tried my best to really meet his expectations and be a nice girl to be around, though I wasn't always perfect, there were days I would be a bit bitchy or insecure.

 

Another thing is, this guy always felt superior, cause of his older age, more experience and, in his word, much deeper understanding of how things should be done. He thought veeeeeery highly of himself (to the point he was oblivious to some things), without any specific reason, cause there was nothing really special about his background and what he was occupied with. Basically quite lazy and self-important, with emotional baggage of 1 failed marriage, 2 kids and a long term relationship with a wonderful woman which he ended for no good reason. But I loved him for other qualities and was willing to take the downsides, be an obedient good girl, listen to his important advice (while he never took mine, because... he just knows better) and try to be happy and not to bitch too much. I'd always say sorry, for whatever he was upset about, even if I thought it's a complete nonsense. Was basically a bit of doormat, but he demanded me to be that way.

 

Then once he blew up for no good reason, and the relationship changed. No longer presents, less meetings, started acting like he is doing a favor by being with me, who is so flawed and needs to grow up to his level (his own words). Still often treated me very nicely, dinner, massages etc, and we had a lot of lovely times laughing and being cozy together, often told me compliments, but picked on me more and more, always finding some small things which he blew up, accused me of not being grateful enough, if I did anything wrong. Many times said hurtful things like "I'm not sure if you, who's born to crawls, will ever fly" and never even thought that it's wrong, cause in his mind I deserved it by being reckless and not sharp enough.

 

Then he broke up with me. It was during our vacations, after a day full of kisses, hugs and cozy time watching series. There was no period of us getting colder, we continued to have frequent sex, continued to plan the future trips etc etc. And then BAM! A little fight in the evening, and it was over. I bitched about something, and he just exploded and said I have just used all my chances to become a better person for him. He drove me to my family house, no explanations, no emotions, no nothing. After acting all loving for the whole day! Haven't seen him since then, and it's been 2,5 weeks. Talked on facebook, but he never got into any conversations about the breakup and acted so done with me.

 

Was it my fault of not showing enough gratitude for his nice treatments? Does he have a right to demand me to grow to some certain level (he's not even at himself) and is it legit to dump me for that? Does it sound from all this, that I could have not done something to make him feel appreciated? I don't know what to think... I wasn't some miraculous girlfriend, but I tried my best to be funny, sexy and nice to be around, so wtf... He often looked at me with loving eyes, laughing and saying "you're such a dork", though never said he loved me... It hurts to think I could have done more

What impression do you get?

I get the impression that you're looking back in time to assign blame, and not necessarily to improve yourself. Your "offenses" are written defensively and his shortcomings are written in a way that implies "what else was I supposed to do?"

 

The truth probably lies in the middle somewhere. Yes, he was a jerk in some ways, and yes, you were willing to put up with that **** and be his doormat in other ways. Doormats are routinely discarded, so that's no surprise, and if he'd have held onto you, you'd have tired of his ****, and given him the heave-ho in time. So, if you can both grasp and believe in what I'm going to tell you next, then hopefully, it can provide some relief.

 

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Nobody is perfect, and a relationship that lasts needs to have a lot of room for failures on the part of both people, without the fear that this is going to blow things up. So, maybe you take him for granted for certain things and maybe he has to put up with your insecurity, however it manifested itself. You might have to live with his tantrums and his overblown self-importance. At the end of the day, if you're both willing to do this, then the relationship works. If not, and apparently not, why wonder about the blame?

 

The next guy you meet is going to have a completely different set of values and behaviors. So don't worry about what drove the last guy away. Worry about what might drive the next guy away. If you're too insecure to fight in good faith, then learn how to do that. If you're too clingy, then learn how to be confident. If you're too confident, learn a little dependence. That's all. There's no question that you and the next guy won't be perfect together either. But as long as you're not egregiously unfit for anybody, you have a chance.

 

I think that's what oldshirt was really trying to get at with the self-selection advice. It did come across like you modified your behavior to fit this guy, and to some extent, maybe we do that a little, to make ourselves better people. But nobody can maintain that **** forever, so you just need to find someone that fits right.

 

Everybody in your position wants the answer to why, and almost everybody blames themselves, even if they can't identify specifically what they did wrong, and even if they can specifically identify the things they didn't like in the other person. The truth is that you were willing to put up with his ****, and he was not willing to put up with yours. Why? Who cares why? Worrying about that is just a big waste of time and energy. It won't change a thing.

[Lorenza]

I get the impression that you're looking back in time to assign blame, and not necessarily to improve yourself. Your "offenses" are written defensively and his shortcomings are written in a way that implies "what else was I supposed to do?"

 

The truth probably lies in the middle somewhere. Yes, he was a jerk in some ways, and yes, you were willing to put up with that **** and be his doormat in other ways. Doormats are routinely discarded, so that's no surprise, and if he'd have held onto you, you'd have tired of his ****, and given him the heave-ho in time. So, if you can both grasp and believe in what I'm going to tell you next, then hopefully, it can provide some relief.

 

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Nobody is perfect, and a relationship that lasts needs to have a lot of room for failures on the part of both people, without the fear that this is going to blow things up. So, maybe you take him for granted for certain things and maybe he has to put up with your insecurity, however it manifested itself. You might have to live with his tantrums and his overblown self-importance. At the end of the day, if you're both willing to do this, then the relationship works. If not, and apparently not, why wonder about the blame?

 

The next guy you meet is going to have a completely different set of values and behaviors. So don't worry about what drove the last guy away. Worry about what might drive the next guy away. If you're too insecure to fight in good faith, then learn how to do that. If you're too clingy, then learn how to be confident. If you're too confident, learn a little dependence. That's all. There's no question that you and the next guy won't be perfect together either. But as long as you're not egregiously unfit for anybody, you have a chance.

 

I think that's what oldshirt was really trying to get at with the self-selection advice. It did come across like you modified your behavior to fit this guy, and to some extent, maybe we do that a little, to make ourselves better people. But nobody can maintain that **** forever, so you just need to find someone that fits right.

 

Everybody in your position wants the answer to why, and almost everybody blames themselves, even if they can't identify specifically what they did wrong, and even if they can specifically identify the things they didn't like in the other person. The truth is that you were willing to put up with his ****, and he was not willing to put up with yours. Why? Who cares why? Worrying about that is just a big waste of time and energy. It won't change a thing.

 

Well written and probably true, I would take that, accept and move one, if I wasn't made into the offender by my ex. Yes, I was willing to put up with his ****, and he wasn't willing to put up with mine - but at the end he dumped so freaking harsh and made it clear that I used up all my "chances" and failed, he is fed up and I should just blame myself. I was given no clear explanation, just an explosion. It's not easy to move on and accept it, while I feel like my **** was so small compared to his and yet he came out like a winner out of it... So he put the full load of blame on me and while I can't get it off while talking to him, I talk to other people, maybe it will take off some of it. Or make the grieving process faster, cause I literally sit and think and torture myself every day since he dumped me 17 days ago...

I don't even know what I wrote here, sorry for ranting