Well she did it, pulled the trigger. Here i go again!

[sacg]

As the title says.........Also gonna run this as my NC diary

 

Bit of background. We started dating about a year ago. We met through a dog site, we both own the same dogs, and we hit it off pretty quick. She has a 12 yo daughter, I'm 45 shes 42.

 

In the early days i was pretty laid back, she even commented on my ability to just go with it and take things as they were. Never judged or asked anything from her. Then she started her tantrums. Id never experienced this before, so early on. Maybe that was the red flag and i should have walked. Ive never been one for giving in tho. I had doubts about the reasoning behind her early outbursts. And started as I do to try and work it all out. She came across with a LOT of BPD / Narcsitic tendencies. And i started to pigeon hole her there.

 

After a few weeks things calmed, but not that much, i could always sense she was either holding it in, or we were on egg shells. She is a very strong, independant woman. Whatever that means. And we would always have the little outbursts. I even curbed my own anger and allowed a lot to ride in order to keep the peace. But felt i was giving myself in too much to accomodate. I started to question in my head what her true feelings were for me? She was making me feel like i wasnt the man she really wanted. This then started the spiral of insecurity. Something ive NEVER had, but had experienced with other past girlfriends. I know its a turn off!! I wasnt over the top, but i guess i came across as needing validation, which in itself is needy i know.

 

Roll on to 3 weeks ago. We had a great weekend. I wont bore you with details, but we were very close. We agreed on me moving in to get ourselves sorted to eventually getting our own place I lost my job a week previous, and I can understand the stress, but i didnt coerce this issue in no way. She initiated it. After a great weekend, we ended up having another blazing row started over an iphone cover and I went home that night. 3 days later, shes telling me she needs space. Im obviously confused, and without i think, getting beggy, just wanted to understand where we were at. I didnt go NC completely at that point, but did back off. She was getting colder. Then today, after not talking for over a week. I call to be light hearted and straight away her back is up. She blames me for almost everything! and I know thats not the case. She says she doesnt see things going back to how they were, so doesnt see a future, and now says its over. That hit like a truck! But not in so many words. Im devastated. She was also saying i had steam rollered her into this point, and even the car i bought her to relieve some stress was something id pushed her onto too! And hat she didnt want it anymore.

 

Me moving things too quickly!!!??? This is a woman who wanted a baby with me 4 months into our relationship, another read flag!!??. I wonder even now if that was her only motive. She wont even talk about anything anymore. It all frustrates her, I frustrate her! She was annoyed and on edge as soon as i called her today. It seems im now a major burden.

 

I could go into a lot more about her traits and situations, but dont think thats needed at this point in post. I also think maybe i would be better off out of this situation as i feel its toxic, but now i dont see the toxicitiy. All i see now is what we've lost. I did think we could get back on track. But understand how bad things have got to if they could ever be reversed!

 

Im just amazed after all that, she can be so cold and emotionless ending our relationship like it meant nothing. I know it wasnt years, but i was involved. Im kinda wondering if she ever was.

 

Narcisstic, BPD or strong independant women. Theres a fine line there!

 

I dont know wtf is going on. I know i have no choice other than to go complete NC now. Not even in the hope of reconciliation. Just out of necessity. Im not sure theres no-one else involved, although i doubt that on how quickly this has deteriorated and her commitments. Shes just so cold and matter of fact it hurts like hell.

 

Dont really know what i want to get from this. Other opinions of similar situations, BPD Narcism, or its it just me? Plenty of other facts that i wont bore you with unless you ask. Just a little lost and hurt!

 

Thanks

[Itspointless]

Dont really know what i want to get from this. Other opinions of similar situations, BPD Narcism, or its it just me? Plenty of other facts that i wont bore you with unless you ask. Just a little lost and hurt!

Hey, I am happy that you wrote that you are a 'little lost'. Sounds like she is showing some tendencies that belong to BPD: the blaming, being a victim, the tantrums, the black and white thinking. That does not say that she is one. She sounds a bit like my first girlfriend,: everything was difficult with her. She also turned everything around on me, some serious altering of history happened there: very confusing.

 

It hurts now and I am sorry that you are in pain. I think you deserve a woman who is more in line with you and does not make everything so difficult.

 

Take care man.

[sacg]

Well here we go. day one, not feeling too bad. Realisation has kicked in but now even more questions:

 

1. How can we have been so close and then a few days later, its over

2. How can we have been moving in together and now its over

3. Why all the anger and resentment on her part when we have spoken?

4. How can she be so emotionless and callous even at the end

5. Why no talk of trying to resolve, why go from making love all weekend to just walking away saying its over. Nothing else!

6. Why does all the blame get laid at my door?

 

 

Really want answers to these, but not gonna break. Idk, maybe shes pushed me away like this as I didnt go NC from the off 3 weeks ago. Maybe shes doing this so i have to bug out and she gets that time. Oh god, the hope is kicking in!!!!

 

She said some hurtful things yesterday, and can just walk away cold as ice! After only 3 weeks ago we seemed ok. What a head F*&k!

 

Why am i not seeing the bad side of this relationship. There were times i looked at her and thought is this right? Why am i not relieved Im out of it?

 

:-(

Edited July 25, 2015 by sacg

[Itspointless]

I think 3,4 and 6 are often connected. Anger gives energy and power, but most important it is easy for her as such as looking at ourselfs can result in unpleasant things you have to work on: in for example therapy.

 

Perhaps the posts by Downtown do give some answers. When helping people he is always linking to these: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075 and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway/post-3398735.html#post3398735

[mightycpa]

As the title says.........Also gonna run this as my NC diary

 

Bit of background. We started dating about a year ago. We met through a dog site, we both own the same dogs, and we hit it off pretty quick. She has a 12 yo daughter, I'm 45 shes 42.

In the early days i was pretty laid back, she even commented on my ability to just go with it and take things as they were. Never judged or asked anything from her. Then she started her tantrums.

I stopped right there. I don't even know what question you asked, but get rid of this one and find somebody new.

[aloneinaz]

You need to heal my friend while not trying to figure out anything this woman does. If you suspect she has BPD traits at all, run, don't look back. She won't change and your mental health should be more important to you than any crazy woman.

[Itspointless]

You need to heal my friend while not trying to figure out anything this woman does. If you suspect she has BPD traits at all, run, don't look back. She won't change and your mental health should be more important to you than any crazy woman.

Well I often disagree on this with many members. He ideally has to look back to find out why he fell in love with her, regardless if she possesses strong indicators of BPD. Knowledge is power, Downtown is a very good example of this. He learned about it and now even helps others to understand what happened.

 

I agree though that his own mental health is the most important thing right now.

[mightycpa]

Well I often disagree on this with many members. He ideally has to look back to find out why he fell in love with her, regardless if she possesses strong indicators of BPD. Knowledge is power, Downtown is a very good example of this. He learned about it and now even helps others to understand what happened.

 

I agree though that his own mental health is the most important thing right now.

WHY did he fall in love with someone like this? What difference does that make?

 

Let's say you fall in love with an axe-murderer who is known to have a fondness for killing loved ones. Then, after you've fallen in love, you find out that's who this person is, and you notice that this person is treating you a little harshly lately. Now you have a choice to make. You can stick around and hope you won't be the next victim. But if you really want to stay alive, you stay the hell away from them, regardless of your feelings. The "why" really has no bearing on the matter. Your continuing future is the only real consideration.

 

The same is true here, only in lesser degree of consequence. The pursuit of why is a fool's game, unless you somehow think that this will prevent you from falling for the same kind of person in the future. I doubt anybody can predict or prevent that, because from what I've read, the BPD person lures you in first, then springs the crazy on you later, after your feelings are already involved.

[wizer]

After a great weekend, we ended up having another blazing row started over an iphone cover

 

You got into a huge fight.. over an iphone cover?

 

She may have issues but it takes two to have a "blazing row". Especially over something so trivial.

 

Maybe you feed it just as much as she does?

[sacg]

Thanks for the repsonses guys, really appreacited.

 

Why did i fall in love with her? I just did. I liked initially the indapedance, the strength she had. I maybe misread that to being strong, not otherwise dis-order. I read up a lot about her behavior to try and find answers. I didnt know what a BPD was at that stage. I didnt like what i read up on. Too many similatrities. But i was in then. Committed, in love with her. True, i had many gut instincts, times when i thought leg it. But never did. like i said, im a bit of a stayer, maybe to sensitive, maybe too kind. And i stuck in hoping it would grow and change. It obviously hasnt.

 

As for arguing over an iphone cover. I agree. No, i dont think i did inflate it. like i said, sometimes i try and diffuse. This time granted, i reacted over the folly of it. It just got out of hand. Like any trivial disagreements do with this situation.

 

Im just lost as to how quickly this went downhill, why i dont see the wood for the tees, and was it all real or not. Did she have other motives. Was i accepted as, he will do! thats how i felt at times.

 

I even thought today walking the dog how i would be if she came back at some point. Can you really get over how they treat you at the end, or am i kidding myself and should just turn away and walk from this one. Its really not workable?

[sacg]

Perhaps the posts by Downtown do give some answers. When helping people he is always linking to these: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075 and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway/post-3398735.html#post3398735

 

love to get this guy on here!

[Itspointless]

love to get this guy on here!

I think he will find this thread within time. Meanwhile you can search for the threads where he has been commenting on other users.

WHY did he fall in love with someone like this? What difference does that make?

 

Let's say you fall in love with an axe-murderer who is known to have a fondness for killing loved ones. Then, after you've fallen in love, you find out that's who this person is, and you notice that this person is treating you a little harshly lately. Now you have a choice to make. You can stick around and hope you won't be the next victim. But if you really want to stay alive, you stay the hell away from them, regardless of your feelings. The "why" really has no bearing on the matter. Your continuing future is the only real consideration.

 

The same is true here, only in lesser degree of consequence. The pursuit of why is a fool's game, unless you somehow think that this will prevent you from falling for the same kind of person in the future. I doubt anybody can predict or prevent that, because from what I've read, the BPD person lures you in first, then springs the crazy on you later, after your feelings are already involved.

Ha, I liked that example

 

And yes, sometimes it can be wise 'to know thyself' especially if you are not aware - for example - when you posses a insecure attachment, meaning that you might be attracted to signs that actually should be warning signs: like I have been in the past. And you are right, there is nothing like entirely predicting or preventing ourselves for future failures. I do think though that knowledge is power.

[Itspointless]

Why did i fall in love with her? I just did. I liked initially the indapedance, the strength she had. I maybe misread that to being strong, not otherwise dis-order. I read up a lot about her behavior to try and find answers. I didnt know what a BPD was at that stage. I didnt like what i read up on. Too many similatrities. But i was in then. Committed, in love with her. True, i had many gut instincts, times when i thought leg it. But never did. like i said, im a bit of a stayer, maybe to sensitive, maybe too kind. And i stuck in hoping it would grow and change. It obviously hasnt.

Are you a caregiver?

[sacg]

Are you a caregiver?

 

After reading more, im starting to think maybe i am!

[aloneinaz]

After reading more, im starting to think maybe i am!

 

People that stay with these damaged folks are often "fixers". "If" this woman had BPD tendencies, they are great at playing the victim in their lives and some how manage to bring out in guys our instinctual "protector" mechanism. They also tend to lure us in by being very sexual, are amazing in bed and provide constant ego fueling compliments.. "Your so handsome".. "Your the best lover I've ever had".. BPD woman are excellent manipulators and ALWAYS seem to have a knack at saying the right thing at the right time.

 

 

AS CPA said, they are smart. They hide their problems until they know they have you wrapped around their fingers. They then fell comfortable that they can treat you like @hit and you'll stay. They typically also have extreme fears of abandonment too and if they feel like you may leave them, they will dump you quickly.

 

 

To the OP'S question about how can they swing from loving you to dumping you? Do some reading on the BPD sites. It's very common. They have intense mood instability and make knee jerk reactions.

[sacg]

Thanks for all the comments guys, really appreciated. A little awakening.....to say the least.

 

Well day 2, and I must say strangely i feel a little better already. Not sure why Im not going through much pain tbh, maybe ill drop again soon. Maybe its because im waking up to the fact that its highly likely she does have BPD, and that this isnt all my fault! Maybe its because her actually binning it on Friday has sunk in! Maybe theres some horrible little bit of hope hidden away that shes coming back! I have no idea. I believe I do love her, but Im not as down as i thought I would be....and as I have been in the past with break ups!!?? Weird.

 

Found this on another BPD site yesterday, cant believe that each of these are bang on for me too.

 

* No matter what I say or do, she twists it and uses it against me.

 

* She blames and criticizes me for everything that goes wrong, even when it makes no logical sense.

 

* I'm on an emotional roller coaster. When I come home, will I be greeted at the door by the caring person I fell in love with? Or will it be the raging tyrant who's got to have her way, no matter what?

 

* She sees me as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. And when she feels one way about me, she can't remember ever feeling any other way.

 

* I'm afraid to ask for things in our relationship. When I do, she tells me that I'm too demanding or that my needs are wrong or not important.

 

* She accuses me of doing things I never did and saying things I never said.

 

* I try to do what she wants me to do. But just when I think I've got the rules down, she changes them.

 

* I feel bewildered, misunderstood, wrongly blamed, exhausted, and isolated.

 

* One moment, she acts perfectly normal. Sometimes she even tells me how wonderful I am. Then the next minute she's screaming at slamming doors and threatening me for no reason at all.

 

* When I try to make things better after an argument, she becomes more infuriated no matter what I say or do.

 

 

Not sure how the days gonna pan out, Im still constantly thinking of her, over analyzing everything, and I guess I do miss her, but i have this strange numbness..

 

I'm not even thinking of reconciliation, but it did cross m mind this morning what would I do if she came back? Can i just get involved again without any acceptance on her part? Probably not if Im strong enough, but we all know a BPD never sees any fault. So im guessing there probably isnt any future there either way.

[sacg]

People that stay with these damaged folks are often "fixers". "If" this woman had BPD tendencies, they are great at playing the victim in their lives and some how manage to bring out in guys our instinctual "protector" mechanism. They also tend to lure us in by being very sexual, are amazing in bed and provide constant ego fueling compliments.. "Your so handsome".. "Your the best lover I've ever had".. BPD woman are excellent manipulators and ALWAYS seem to have a knack at saying the right thing at the right time.

 

 

AS CPA said, they are smart. They hide their problems until they know they have you wrapped around their fingers. They then fell comfortable that they can treat you like @hit and you'll stay. They typically also have extreme fears of abandonment too and if they feel like you may leave them, they will dump you quickly.

 

 

To the OP'S question about how can they swing from loving you to dumping you? Do some reading on the BPD sites. It's very common. They have intense mood instability and make knee jerk reactions.

 

This is a frighteningly accurate description and almost explains my whole situation. in a way its a relief, in another way it highlights, if she is BPD, that these issues will never go away and that i should be happy that she ended it. As sad as that is. Almost hopeless.

[sacg]

Another thing i read yesterday was how they, BPD'rs, push and pull. It said that they accuse their partners of being too "smothering", to "intense", and they push away. Then when you walk, they pull you back. Both these she has used on me, and tbh was making me feel like a needy jerk. Again, maybe that aint the case. We've been here before, the push and pull, just that she aint pulling me back this time!!

[sacg]

Day 3 -

 

Not so good. Damn, was getting there yesterday. Starting to miss her, temptation to make contact, starting to question whether she is actually BPD or is it me over analyzing. Maybe she just has anger issues and im trying to pigeon hole her with BPD to give me answers and an easier way out? Idk...

 

Gonna be a long day ....

 

Also, a bit of a dilema. She has a few things of mine at her house, as I have of hers here. We need to arrange the exchange of this. Do i let the dust settle for a few weeks first, at the risk of me getting to a certain point by then only to be spun backwards by seeing her? Or do I arrange for this to be done ASAP? Get it out of the way, cut all ties, etc?

Edited July 27, 2015 by sacg

[Itspointless]

Day 3 -

 

Not so good. Damn, was getting there yesterday. Starting to miss her, temptation to make contact, starting to question whether she is actually BPD or is it me over analyzing. Maybe she just has anger issues and im trying to pigeon hole her with BPD to give me answers and an easier way out? Idk...

 

Gonna be a long day ....

 

Also, a bit of a dilema. She has a few things of mine at her house, as I have of hers here. We need to arrange the exchange of this. Do i let the dust settle for a few weeks first, at the risk of me getting to a certain point by then only to be spun backwards by seeing her? Or do I arrange for this to be done ASAP? Get it out of the way, cut all ties, etc?

Perhaps friend of yours can do the exchange for you. Better do it quick as the wound is still fresh, better now than tearing it open again.

[sacg]

Day 4 - well not really as Ive just technically broke NC. Go easy on me, i dont think i had much choice. I want to get this stuff exchanged ASAP and have no ties.

 

All i did was text her to say could we please arrange to exchange this stuff this week in order to sever all ties and allow me to move on. She called me a couple of hours later, i didnt answer. I didnt want to speak to her as shes always so cold and annoyed it just sets me back. She called again and then text me whats going on? I said nothing, just wanted to sort the stuff out and that i didnt really want to talk with her. She got a little miffed and said fine, shes not messing about!!! A little later, she text again saying maybe we could talk later. All i did was respond with a text asking if she could do as Id asked?

 

I tried to keep it as civil, business like and detached as possible. So not sure if this is really busting NC.

 

Anyway, she hasnt come back with anything as yet. TBH, im dreading her calling again, i really dont want to speak with her through fear of really setting me back.

 

Also having doubts today about where this went so badly wrong. Keep questioning myself is it really her BPD (if thats what she has) or is it me? Maybe I have BPD for gods sake! All over the place in my head and cant stop bloody analyzing.

 

I wish there was a way i knew for sure that she did have issues. I think that would concrete it fo me that it wasnt all me and that Id be better off running a mile.

 

Still hurts like hell tho, and I still miss her daily. WTF is going on!

[sacg]

Well she called and I answered! Not good.

 

She cant bring my stuff over as shes too busy. So that wont allow me to close this off until thats done. She said she'dd be i touch when she can.

 

But the worst part was the call was so informal, so cut and dried, so weird. She started telling me all about whats been going on with her, her family, her daughter. She asked what Id been up to. She re-iterated that we dont get on but indicated she does have feelings. She can be so matter of fact. I asked what she wanted from this, she said nothing, but doesnt regard me as NOT HER FRIEND! I said i dont think we can be friends. She said that was childish and that maybe in time we could. It felt like she is so comfortable on her own now and is talking to me like Im just a mate. It didnt feel like any emotion was there. But in another instant, it felt like she wanted me around in some way. She has her usual rants about having no money, the cars too expensive to run, all the victim stuff. Like its my fault. Part of the call sounded like she wanted to talk to me still, stay friends and see if we could start again. Part of the call felt like she was still adamant we are through and its the right choice. Or maybe its my bloody mind playing tricks. Either way, it was not the type of call id expect from a girlfriend of a year thats just broken it off. Its like what we had never meant anything. Then she casually said ok, ill talk to you later. And hung up.

 

Im lost again. I have no idea how she can be acting like this like nothing has happened. Like i should just casually accept it and be happy moving on. What goes through her head? How can she be so matter of fact?

 

Its a real head***! Why not just call me and discuss the stuff that we need to exchange. Why start talking to me like nothings happened? Why be so "normal" about it all, and chat like were mates? Why talk to me at all about general stuff? Why no feelings of upset that were over?

 

Whats really weird is that she seemed to be miffed that I wanted to close it all off by getting this stuff and completely cutting ties. She even got a bit uptight that I still spoke to my last ex and didnt want to with her. Just strange!

 

Not in a good place right now....

Edited July 29, 2015 by sacg

[sacg]

Ok, during the call i slipped and asked what exactly she wanted from this. To be my friend, to try again, etc. Ive just received this text back

 

"Im sorry if i seem so matter of fact. I dont want to fall out particularly, but if thats what you want im fine with it. At the moment I want to be on my own, its just the way i feel, its not you it me. Probably as its the school hols too. I dont mean to hurt your feelings but im not going to lie."

[Downtown]

How can we have been so close and then a few days later, its over? How can we have been moving in together and now its over? How can she be so emotionless and callous even at the end?

Sacq, if your exGF has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, if your suspicions are correct, you are essentially asking "How can my four year old daughter adore Daddy when I bring out her toys and then, in a few seconds, flip to hating Daddy when I take one away?" The answer, of course, is that this is exactly how emotionally immature people behave. They cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

They therefore put the strong conflicting feeling completely out of touch of their conscious minds. Of course, that intense conflicting feeling is still there but it cannot be reached by the conscious mind until the dominant feeling later subsides. The result is that it is common for young children -- and BPDers as well -- to quickly flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or even hating you). Significantly, this does NOT mean they are bad people. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE due to their emotional immaturity.

 

Why no talk of trying to resolve, why go from making love all weekend to just walking away saying its over. Nothing else!

If she has strong BPD traits, these breakups are to be expected. And, by "breakup," I mean a complete walk away -- not just a bad fight. Indeed, BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of these BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

Why all the anger and resentment on her part when we have spoken?

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you don't have to do a thing to CREATE that anger. She has been carrying enormous anger and hurt inside since early childhood. Hence, all you have to do is to say or do some minor infraction (real or imagined) that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that's always been there.

 

Why does all the blame get laid at my door?

If she is a BPDer, she's filled with so much self loathing that the last thing she wants to find is one more flaw or misdeed to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Her subconscious mind therefore works 24/7 to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting all hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she truly believes -- at a conscious level -- that those bad feelings and thoughts are originating from YOU.

 

On top of that, a BPDer has a fragile, weak sense of who she really is. The closest thing to a self image, then, is her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." To validate that false self image, she allows you to play only one of two roles: Rescuer (as you were during the courtship and during brief periods of splitting you white) or Perpetrator (as you will be perceived when she is splitting you black).

 

If you are "rescuing her," the clear implication is that she must be "The Victim" in need of rescue. And if you are the Perpetrator, the obvious implication is that she is forever being victimized by you. Once you stop playing these two roles (i.e., stop walking on eggshells), she will walk out when she can find a suitable replacement for you.

 

Really want answers to these, but not gonna break.

For better answers, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 BPD warning signs strongly apply to your exGF's behavior -- and which don't apply at all. ItsPointless provides a link to those BPD warning signs in his post #4 above.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Sacg.

[sacg]

Thanks Downtown. this is all started to become frighteningly to close to BPD. Ill get on to today in a minute, as this was a real eye opener.

 

Firsty to go over the 18 traits, below are the ones she's clearly demonstated;

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; NOT REAL JEALOUSY ON THIS ONE. OR NOT WHAT ID EXPECT AS JEALOUSY. BUT SHE DID TRY AND MAKE ME KEEP AWAY FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE, MY FRIENDS, TELLING ME I WAS TOO EASY WITH THEM AND THEY TOOK ME FOR A FOOL.

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells; - WAS ALWAYS ON EGGSHELLS, BUT I NEVER REALLY HAD THE FULL ON ADMIRATION PART,. THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT ALWAYS BOTHERED ME, IT WAS LIKE SHE DIDNT REALLY SHOW ENOUGH EMOTION. PLENTY OF DEVALUING THO.

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

7. Low self esteem; - DONT THINK IT WAS OBVIOUS SHE HAS THIS, BUT UNDER HER TOUGH EXTERIOR, SHE WAS DEF NOT AS STRONG AS SHE MADE OUT. WOULD WORRY ABOUT THINGS AND I DID FEEL SLIGHTLY INSECURE BY SOME OF THE THINGS SHE SAID.

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans; - DIDNT REALLY OVERLY SHOW THIS TO. BUT NOW IVE ACTUALLY PULLED AWAY FROM HER BREAKING IT UP WITH ME, I THINK SHE STARTING TO SHOW IT A LITTLE NOW.

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing; - NO, SHED RATHER I WAS OUT OF THE WAY

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

 

There the ones i can relate to, but today was something else. As you know, we were sorting out the exchange of our stuff. So i can go complete no contact and move on. We had a brief conversation yesterday as stated above, and i was more confused after that than before it. Anyway, i asked her for times to come and get it. She constantly seemed to be making things difficult and not giving me a specific time. Finally this morning, when Ive already asked a mate to help me out, she calls and is in a **** mood. Not a great start. Again, i have no idea why. She basically says she can only do it in an hour, which at that notice put my mate in a bit of a situ. Also throughout the call she kept making references to why i was so adamant i couldnt be friends. I tried to explain that I loved her, and she said i was being childish. She insinuates that there may be a way of were were friends again to slowly move fwd. I said i could risk anything, in that if we were friends and she met someone it would destroy me. She said it was unlikely to happen. Just weird chat really, i get mixed feelings that shes angry that Im finally bowing out. Fear of abandonment? This is so confusing to even wrote all down! She makes me feel like ive ended it. Like ive abandoned her and her daughter. When she finished with me. It was so hard to stand there and look at someone you love be so cold, heartless and angry even at the stage of me collecting my stuff. She wouldnt even let me see the dog.

 

Im back now, with my gear, and I feel like total crap! My head hurts, my heart hurts and im so confused. Today was intense. Plenty else happened and was said, and Im just re-running it all in my head trying to find reasoning. I wish i could just turn it off tbh.

 

I dont know whats going on with her. Maybe shes angry that Im finally closing this off? Maybe shes angry as she didnt know what she really wanted atm, and wanted to stay in touch to see if we could work it out? Maybe she just needed more time alone and to herself, and she feels ive pushed her to this or not giving her what she wants?

 

All in know is it hurts.

Edited July 30, 2015 by sacg