Why is it harder to walk away this time?

[FaithInMe]

Day 29 NC

40 Days Post BU

 

I decided to start a new thread. I have a little more experience under my belt, and I'm not all over the place like I was. You can find my situation here if interested. But since I am feeling a little more stable, and on a good path, it's time to start fresh!

 

I am out of town on a business trip for almost a week, with some personal time mixed in over the weekend. I had to make a 5 hour drive today. I'm sitting here in my hotel typing this update, and staring out the window at a beautiful skyline of mountains. It doesn't suck, for sure!

 

However, the drive here was both sad and hopeful.

 

Sad...

I had a lot of memories with my ex on the drive here, since he has been here with me before. I also come here to a farm - my favorite place in the world, and tie in business with it. He has been to the farm with me, and all around this area with me. So a lot of things along the way, and even the view of the mountain outside my hotel....they all remind me of him.

 

When I stopped to eat, I also happened to notice that he "liked" a post one of my friends made today. Sigh.... He just goes on like the past doesn't mean anything. They think it's funny because I'm "their" friend, and they think he has to know that they are a bit mad at him for breaking my heart. But nobody will do anything or say anything. They are all just moving along and letting it all play out. I have some great friends - so thankful! Anyway....the FB stuff is tough sometimes. I will get better at ignoring that stuff, I know.

 

 

Hopeful....

I listened to a book on CD on the way (one of those fictional, chick stories with mystery and love wound together, haha). I talked to my mom and my brother a couple times (most of that was regarding my mom's health, frustration with the nursing home, and my late father's social security issues). I had some text exchanges with some friends (hands free and during the stops - I am a safe driver, lol).

 

And it hit me out of the blue. I realized that there were a few times when I felt a genuine smile on my face, a glimmer of hope. Because in those moments, I didn't think about my ex. Now that is progress!

 

I do think it gets better every day. But DAMN! It's a long road.

 

 

 

Does anyone else have a situation where the BU was loving, and out of nowhere. No fighting, lots of happy moments, lots of respect?

 

It was just such an odd BU, and I don't think he intended for it to happen in the moment when it did (not that he hadn't been wondering about doing it -- I just don't think he meant for it to happen at a stoplight).

 

And if your BU was like that, is it harder?

 

I am asking because I have had BU's before, but they came up over time -- fighting, conversations about differences that we needed to work out, obvious misery. Those were easy to walk away from.

 

Since my divorce, I was in a relationship that lasted 4 years. But we both finally admitted that we were more like friends than anything else, and we parted ways. We are still friends, and I am in touch with his family. That 4 year relationship was easier to walk away from than this 1.5 year relationship.

 

And I find myself wondering why.

 

Is the ease in moving forward directly related to the type of relationship before and the way the BU happened?

 

I can't figure out why this one feels different to me. Partially because we had been talking about moving in together just a few weeks before, or the way it happened, or what I know about him as a person. A lot of it just feels "off"

 

Just curious to see if others have the same thoughts or questions.

 

 

P.S.

Thanks for the suggestions about the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It is my hotel reading for the next week.

Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BriNyc82]

That must be so hard to go back and revisit places you have been but sounds like you kept it together =) I've had a similar breakup where it was so respectful, easy, fun. I never stressed about it. It just was. We always put each other's happiness first and were so gentle with each other. I never in a million years could have seen this ending. I was confident in us and I was happy with who I was around him. He ended it completely out of the blue (at least for me, as I'm sure he probably was thinking about it and def put on a good act for who knows how long)

 

idk, Ive been through rocky relationships and ones like this and they are both tough. This is worse bc I have had to make up things in my head to find reasons to get angry and get over this. And all of my anger is based on assumptions because the breakup was never about "me" but I guess it is in some way bc I'm not in his life anymore for a reason. I WANTED him to make it about me. Tell me I'm bad in bed. Tell me you didn't see a future with me. Tell me something I could grasp. I've had to turn him into this terrible person who wronged me because whats my alternative? Missing the guy I knew? I hate it because it negates everything we had but I need to move on and it's the only way I know how.

[aloneinaz]

It sounds like you're progressing well after reading your post. No doubt staying NC is helping as well. The only suggestion is to BLOCK him on FB so you won't see any of his like's or posts on mutual friends posts. You don't need to see anything about him until your much further down the road of being over this.

 

 

As far as how he ended it? Sometimes it just happens. I dated a gal for 6 months. We never fought, got along but she just didn't "ring my bell".. I finally ended it when I started to actually feel stressed about seeing her. I felt guilty that I was taking her time when she could of met someone else who'd be thrilled with her. Sometimes, relationships just fade or run their course. For me, the biggest thing is when a relationship ends and you go from talking daily to NC and they become strangers. I think many struggle with that portions.

 

 

Suggestion? While you're traveling on business and staying in hotels, get you butt out of your room and go socialize downstairs in the bar or lobby. Chatting with other people in social situations is always a good thing.

 

 

Stay NC and you'll continue to find yourself smiling and enjoying days much more. Learn from that last relationship what you can. Remind yourself that right now, your next great guy is out there waiting to meet you.

[Gus Grimly]

I can't figure out why this one feels different to me. Partially because we had been talking about moving in together just a few weeks before, or the way it happened, or what I know about him as a person. A lot of it just feels "off"

 

P.S.

Thanks for the suggestions about the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It is my hotel reading for the next week.

Grats on 30 days NC! You should block your Ex on Facebook, that way you wont see anything he does. That was the 1st thing I did after my Ex broke our engagement. I went full Media Blackout. I pretty much vanished from her life 100%.

 

The one thing I learned from my BU is I didn't know my Ex as well as I thought I did, even after 4 years. Or did I and was just too blinded by my love for her to see it? My friends and family pointed out that my Ex had some major flaws. I guess I made a habit of trivializing her lesser qualities to save face.

 

My BU felt "off" as well, but I realize this, no matter how much we think it over, speculate and draw our own conclusions to ascertain the true motivation behind the causality of our BU ... it's knowledge we may never be privy to. It's probably better we don't know anyway. If you seek out the truth you'll only find pain. I just want to move on with my life and dream that one day I might find happiness again, if I'm lucky.

 

It is a long road. I see threads by other people who are a full 6 months post BU still pining away for their Ex. That scares the s*** out of me. I know it takes work to get better and I've been slacking in that regard. Reading your post actually made me feel positive. You're optimistic attitude is something I hope to acquire one I get over this hump. Good for you and I hope you stay on the right track!

 

P.S. I'm gonna get that book as well. It had some really good reviews on Amazon.

[aloneinaz]

I went full Media Blackout. I pretty much vanished from her life 100%.

 

I see threads by other people who are a full 6 months post BU still pining away for their Ex. That scares the s*** out of me.

 

 

 

 

Love that expression!

 

 

Gus, don't read too much into those 6 month posts. It's truly a choice to stay stuck and pine over someone who doesn't want you after 6 months broken up. Having read thousands of threads on this site and others over the years, most people feel MUCH better after 90 days NC from the end. They then can take some steps into casually dating again which also helps with the healing and repairing of their self esteem.

 

 

At 6 months post break up from my last ex, I had a new GF and I truly feel that dating and then meeting her accelerated my moving on from that previous failed relationship.

 

 

Had I chose to stay home alone for 6 months post break up w/out dating, feeling sorry for myself, ruminating over someone who kicked me out of her life, I'd of probably been wallowing in sorrow too. Yea, F-that!

 

 

There's far too many people in this world who also want a healthy relationship. Luckily, I found a great one!

[54JA]

So awesome that you caught your little smile and saw hope. That suggests you are on your way to feeling better. When we are depressed, we tend to pay more attention to the negative feelings, but when we really pay attention to it, it's never 100% sad all day. Also, on those days when smiling doesn't come easy, it's good to notice those moments when we feel neutral emotions because this also reminds us that we experience a range of emotion on a regular basis, not just sadness.

 

I never experienced a friendly breakup nor a breakup of a good relationship. I think the speed/pace at which we heal depends on a number of variables. I think you are right: It's harder when the relationship was good, and you didn't notice any warning signs because you never had the chance to mentally prepare yourself from it. We all experience shock after the breakup, but the shock stage may be especially painful in instances where the breakup does not make sense. For people who experienced abuse/mistreatment in the relationship, the bargaining and the despair stages may be the hardest to overcome because of the damage to their self-worth they incurred during the relationship. Because they are still dealing with the damaged self-esteem/worth, they might see the breakup as their fault and believe that if they could fix their mistakes/flaws, they might somehow get their exes back (bargaining stage). The damage sense of self-worth, I think, would definitely make coping with the despair stage difficult because the sense of failure may spill over/generalize to other areas of their lives.

 

For me, the coping with the breakup was especially hard for me because of my low self-esteem, combined with the fact that I had neglected to maintain/cultivate social support outside of my relationship, and my lack of emotional independence. I heavily relied on my ex for most of my social needs. When it ended, I had no reliable social support to turn to for comfort. I realized that I hadn't really worked on developing emotional independence (I don't know what they call this, but I am talking about a person's ability to be happy on her own, ability to NOT feel anxious when alone, to cope with stressful situations, etc) because I really had a hard time becoming my own best friend.

 

These are things I am working on right now. I still have a long way to go, and I am afraid if my current relationship were to end, I might not be able to cope very well. This is the reason why I come to this forum. I know it's silly to be worrying about a breakup that hasn't happen yet, but I fear the day when I have to face that pain again. If my current relationship were to end, I will be in the exact same situation as you, because my current relationship is the best I have ever had. I don't really have a reason to suspect a breakup, nor am I paranoid about my boyfriend breaking up with me. What scares me the pain I may or may not go through because I don't ever want to go through it again. So, when I read about the stories of people making progress, sharing their tips and tricks for coping, etc., I can kinda ease my fear. It's kind of selfish because I'm supposed to be supporting you and everyone else that are here, hurting.

 

P.S. I hope you like the book.

Edited July 24, 2015 by 54JA
P.S.

[Gus Grimly]

.....most people feel MUCH better after 90 days NC from the end. They then can take some steps into casually dating again which also helps with the healing and repairing of their self esteem.

 

Whew, that's a load off my mind. Actually you've made a lot of sense. I guess I panicked a bit as I'm still in the early stages of recovery and I got a little paranoid after reading some of those folks who are still crying their eyes out 4-6 months later. Yikes.

 

Thanks for clearing that up aloneinaz.

[FaithInMe]

I am glad I started this thread. There is some great conversation going on here. Thank you to everyone for the input!

 

We always put each other's happiness first and were so gentle with each other. I never in a million years could have seen this ending. I was confident in us and I was happy with who I was around him. He ended it completely out of the blue (at least for me, as I'm sure he probably was thinking about it and def put on a good act for who knows how long)

Yep, that is exactly how this felt for me. We had been on some nice dates the two days before the BU. We were having a normal day, on our way to eat, and to the nursing home to see my mom. We literally broke up at a stoplight. Talk about out of the blue!

 

idk, Ive been through rocky relationships and ones like this and they are both tough. This is worse bc I have had to make up things in my head to find reasons to get angry and get over this. And all of my anger is based on assumptions because the breakup was never about "me" but I guess it is in some way bc I'm not in his life anymore for a reason. I WANTED him to make it about me. Tell me I'm bad in bed. Tell me you didn't see a future with me. Tell me something I could grasp. I've had to turn him into this terrible person who wronged me because whats my alternative? Missing the guy I knew? I hate it because it negates everything we had but I need to move on and it's the only way I know how.

 

I am more fortunate than some though in that we had some email exchanges the first week after the BU, and I was able to learn a little bit about his feelings. The items shared in the BU conversation in the car made no sense, but I think he was really struggling to end it, and that would make sense. But the emails told me more.

 

He said some wonderful things, told me several times how much he loved me, talked about things we shared, and how happy he had been, he learned so much from me, he would always love me and care deeply for me, and wanted to remain lifelong friends.

 

From my perspective everything on his list was fixable stuff, but it takes two to fix this. And he has to see the value in me and what I brought to his life. If he doesn't see that, well, then he isn't my guy like I thought.

 

So unlike some, I guess I got closure? At least that is what some might call it. I'm not sure that is what I would call this.

 

However, I am grateful for what I learned. I will grow from it, and I will take that to my next relationship. But my heart is still back in that relationship, and I can’t move forward until my heart and brain reconcile.

[FaithInMe]

It sounds like you're progressing well after reading your post. No doubt staying NC is helping as well. The only suggestion is to BLOCK him on FB so you won't see any of his like's or posts on mutual friends posts. You don't need to see anything about him until your much further down the road of being over this.

 

I have good days and bad. The depression has been tough, but I’m figuring out what does and does not work for me.

 

Thank you for the suggestion.

 

I haven’t done the FB thing yet, and I know that is advice from several people. I need to get there in my own way, I know, just not there yet.

 

Question for you about FB..... If I block him, won’t I still see that he liked a friend’s post? I know I won’t see him and he can’t see me or “like” my posts or pictures, but will I still see that he has commented or liked friend or my boys’ stuff? That is good info for me.

 

One thing I didn't mention when I started this thread…..

When we broke up, he literally walked out the door (almost ran). He unplugged his cell phone from HIS cell phone charger, left the charger and left. It was so abrupt as I mentioned (this was after the car ride, visit to my mom, and trip back to my place).

 

Planning to move in together, he had been leaving a lot of things at my house. He even has a dresser with clothes, but some stuff in the garage, several things. I have started to box up things as I see them, and put them in the garage. When I took my suitcase out of the trunk last night, I saw some jumper cables he loaned my son. So those will go into the box too. At some point I need to deal with the dresser and all the bathroom/bedroom stuff that I've been placing in there. When I am ready.

 

A quick edit to this post...

I forgot to mention his key.

When we returned to my house, he unlocked my front door, and handed me his key. I said that I wasn't asking for it right now, but he replied that he needed to give it to me. Then he said "I want you to keep mine because I like knowing that someone else has a key to my place." Obviously neither of us were thinking clearly at the time, but it again shows that he respects me and trusts me, and that he expects us to be able to be amicable to each other. That friendship will have to come much further down the road, because I am not ready. His key is in an envelope tucked away out of sight for now.

 

I was a mess immediately after the BU, and I knew that I needed to get myself together. I knew that I needed NC for me, and I’ve stuck to that.

 

But I do need to break NC at some point. And I will reach out to him and make arrangements for his stuff. On my timeline.

 

He hasn’t contacted me about it – I don’t think that is because he doesn’t want his stuff. In the last email I told him I was giving both of us space, so he could be waiting for me to reach out. I am sure he feels bad for hurting me, so there could be some fear too. I am not sure what he is thinking, and I know I shouldn't wonder about that. The NC and space has been about me, not him.

 

Because of that, I’d like to maintain a friendliness between us and minimize weirdness and awkwardness as much as possible. The FB action doesn’t feel right to me – call it a hunch, but I think it would send the wrong message right now. And considering some things we’ve been through together over the past year (i.e. my father’s death), it feels disrespectful and wrong. As silly as that may sound. I know this is about me, and what I need, but I also know me and who I am….again, a hunch tells me to hold off.

 

I have been through much worse than FB likes, for sure! haha

 

For now, I’ve set up so I don’t see his timeline or when he’s online unless I go looking for him. That has helped. However, if I get to a point that I am not handling FB well, see things that hurt me, or can get past this exchange, I will definitely look at that as an option again.

 

I’ve managed to remain FB friends with a few ex’s and it went okay. One of those ex's is now a good friend and came to see me a few weeks ago after the BU. But as I said in my original post, this BU is different, so that may need to be changed.

 

Thank you again for the advice. It is very helpful!

 

 

Suggestion? While you're traveling on business and staying in hotels, get you butt out of your room and go socialize downstairs in the bar or lobby. Chatting with other people in social situations is always a good thing.

 

 

Stay NC and you'll continue to find yourself smiling and enjoying days much more. Learn from that last relationship what you can. Remind yourself that right now, your next great guy is out there waiting to meet you.

 

Good suggestions about the hotel.

 

Fortunately for me, part of my time is being spent at the farm of some friends, when I’m not in the hotel. This is a huge property and the house is over 100 years old. Nothing fancy, but for me, it has always been a refuge!

 

I’m going to be breathing in some country and mountain air, talking to the sheep, and looking at a million stars in the sky! I also have a bunch of schoolwork that was assigned before I left, so during the down time, I’ll be at their big country farm table on my laptop, or at my hotel desk.

 

You’ve got a point though…

I found that the depression gets bad during my alone time, especially when I’m at home. So I’ve been thinking of ways to get me out more, even when I have homework. Like sitting in Starbucks, or going to my brother’s house for dinner and doing homework there. Calling my boys, or texting my bio sister and brother (I was adopted as a baby and found them earlier this year just before my dad died).

 

I also have a friend that lives on the bay and offered to let me come stay with her some on the weekends. Homework on the deck staring out at the bay? Hmmm…yeah, I could suffer through that a little! Haha

 

My family and friends know what’s going on, and are supporting me in whatever I need. I am so lucky!

Edited July 24, 2015 by FaithInMe

[FaithInMe]

It is a long road. I see threads by other people who are a full 6 months post BU still pining away for their Ex. That scares the s*** out of me. I know it takes work to get better and I've been slacking in that regard. Reading your post actually made me feel positive. You're optimistic attitude is something I hope to acquire one I get over this hump. Good for you and I hope you stay on the right track!

 

I have seen some of those threads too. Gosh I hope I’m not here in 6 months either! If so, I’m not moving forward like I need to be.

 

But after some events today, you just never know....I could still be here. I will post about that in a few.

 

I am glad that my post helped you. That makes me smile.

 

Like I said, I have my bad days too. Sometimes I can almost see over that hump. Then I slip back down and have to climb up again!

 

When I have this “stuff exchange” with my ex….that will be the true test on how I’m doing, and what adjustments I need to make to get back on track again with my healing. But I will do that when I am ready – that is NOT today.

[FaithInMe]

SFor me, the coping with the breakup was especially hard for me because of my low self-esteem, combined with the fact that I had neglected to maintain/cultivate social support outside of my relationship, and my lack of emotional independence. I heavily relied on my ex for most of my social needs. When it ended, I had no reliable social support to turn to for comfort. I realized that I hadn't really worked on developing emotional independence (I don't know what they call this, but I am talking about a person's ability to be happy on her own, ability to NOT feel anxious when alone, to cope with stressful situations, etc) because I really had a hard time becoming my own best friend.

 

These are things I am working on right now. I still have a long way to go, and I am afraid if my current relationship were to end, I might not be able to cope very well. This is the reason why I come to this forum. I know it's silly to be worrying about a breakup that hasn't happen yet, but I fear the day when I have to face that pain again. If my current relationship were to end, I will be in the exact same situation as you, because my current relationship is the best I have ever had. I don't really have a reason to suspect a breakup, nor am I paranoid about my boyfriend breaking up with me. What scares me the pain I may or may not go through because I don't ever want to go through it again. So, when I read about the stories of people making progress, sharing their tips and tricks for coping, etc., I can kinda ease my fear. It's kind of selfish because I'm supposed to be supporting you and everyone else that are here, hurting.

 

P.S. I hope you like the book.

I read the first couple of chapters and like it so far!

 

I struggle with self esteem sometimes too. I learned hard lesson after my divorce. When my Ex H left, I found myself totally alone. I remember it was his day with our boys, and he picked them up and left. I sat in my bedroom and thought to myself, “If I am not his wife, and I am not their mom, who am I?” I had no friends outside of couple friends, and those were his friends. He never really invested time in my own friendships. So I learned very quickly that I will never let that happen again. I joined Meet Up groups and made friends in various ways. Now I have a small group of friends that I can fall back on when I need them. Lessons learned!

 

However I will admit that there are still some issues that I need to work on in myself. I leaned on my recent ex a lot over these past months, and I am not ashamed of that. I needed him through those dark days. But now that he’s gone, I feel a little lost. I need to get back to that independent person I was before my parents became ill and learn how to get through life without him. I need to learn how to be my own best friend again…the way I was before he became my best friend. It’s going to be a challenge, but I can do this!

 

I wish I had been as wise as you to come here while I was still IN a relationship. Maybe those little things that I let slip by us would have been repaired before it was too late. Lord knows I have had my hands full, sure, and I can’t feel guilty. But I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had come here for support or with questions about some interactions.

 

And no apology needed…..just reading what you wrote was helpful to me. It reminded me of where I’ve been and what I have learned. That tells me that I will learn from this too, and I will be better next time!

 

Thanks again!

[FaithInMe]

Okay, I think that catches me up on all the posts on my thread from last night. Thank you so much for the input. It was very helpful.

 

Today WOULD have been 30 days NC

and 41 days Post BU

 

I say WOULD have been because my ex BF contacted me today over email, in response to the last email I sent him weeks ago.

 

I would definitely like input and perspective. I don't know if I should post that here in this same thread or start a new thread to give it a "fresh" start.

 

I do want to reply to him, maybe in a day or two.

 

I'll admit that when I saw that he sent me an email, I had to take a breather for a moment and get myself together before I opened it. I went into it expecting the worst, with no hope. I came out with something in between, so better than I thought.

 

I need to re-read it and figure out how to pull out what he wrote (he wrote it in the middle of what I sent, but changed the font colors).

[aloneinaz]

Faith,

 

 

Just another suggestion. If you want closure from this relationship (it appears that you don't know for sure), you need to close that chapter completely. Round up ALL his items and take them to his place or give them to a joint friend to return to him. By holding on to them, you're trying to hold on to that relationship in some capacity. It's the same thing on FB. If you want to be fully done, BLOCK him. You won't see any of his activity, likes, comments, etc.. When enough time goes by and you're healed and moved onto someone else, you can un-block him and then be friends again.

[FaithInMe]

Faith,

 

 

Just another suggestion. If you want closure from this relationship (it appears that you don't know for sure), you need to close that chapter completely. Round up ALL his items and take them to his place or give them to a joint friend to return to him. By holding on to them, you're trying to hold on to that relationship in some capacity. It's the same thing on FB. If you want to be fully done, BLOCK him. You won't see any of his activity, likes, comments, etc.. When enough time goes by and you're healed and moved onto someone else, you can un-block him and then be friends again.

Good points.

 

I guess I am not fully done. I am not quite ready to give up all hope, but at the same time I know I need to keep moving forward. So I am trying to ride that fence - not easy and I need to figure out the best way for me.

 

And based on the email I received from him today, I can tell he is having some thoughts too.

 

The NC has been working well for me so far, and I want to keep on doing what I've been doing. I feel better and stronger every day, and more hopeful - not about the relationship but about me. And I like the way I'm feeling.

 

I want to respond to his email though. But hey, at least I made it to Day 30, and I wasn't the one to initiate. I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished!

[aloneinaz]

Good points.

 

I guess I am not fully done. I am not quite ready to give up all hope, but at the same time I know I need to keep moving forward. So I am trying to ride that fence - not easy and I need to figure out the best way for me.

 

And based on the email I received from him today, I can tell he is having some thoughts too.

 

The NC has been working well for me so far, and I want to keep on doing what I've been doing. I feel better and stronger every day, and more hopeful - not about the relationship but about me. And I like the way I'm feeling.

 

I want to respond to his email though. But hey, at least I made it to Day 30, and I wasn't the one to initiate. I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished!

 

 

Faith- just go into this with your eyes wide open. I just read your first post about the break up, while at the light when he dumped you. As a guy near his age, I can tell you that we don't take decisions like this lightly. He's clearly been having doubts about you and that relationship. An opportunity presented itself for him to end it and he jumped on it.

 

 

So, if you're considering another shot, ask yourself truthfully what's changed in a short while for him to consider coming back to you? Neither of you could of changed in a few weeks. In all likelihood, he's gotten lonely or horny and he's willing to spend time w/you again to fill that void. Once he feels like he has you back, all of his same feelings will present and he'll dump you again. Do you want to go round two of all that pain?

 

 

I'm sharing this because I've tried to recycle relationships. They never work out for any length of time. These boards are littered with all the same outcomes when people try.

 

 

You're going to do what you feel is best for you. I'm just offering some other thoughts about the possible reality of a 2nd chance. I know in most cases, you'd be better off to finish the healing from this and then moving on to find someone who won't dump you out of the blue.

Edited July 25, 2015 by aloneinaz

[FaithInMe]

Faith- just go into this with your eyes wide open. I just read your first post about the break up, while at the light when he dumped you. As a guy near his age, I can tell you that we don't take decisions like this lightly. He's clearly been having doubts about you and that relationship. An opportunity presented itself for him to end it and he jumped on it.

 

 

So, if you're considering another shot, ask yourself truthfully what's changed in a short while for him to consider coming back to you? Neither of you could of changed in a few weeks. In all likelihood, he's gotten lonely or horny and he's willing to spend time w/you again to fill that void. Once he feels like he has you back, all of his same feelings will present and he'll dump you again. Do you want to go round two of all that pain?

 

 

I'm sharing this because I've tried to recycle relationships. They never work out for any length of time. These boards are littered with all the same outcomes when people try.

 

 

You're going to do what you feel is best for you. I'm just offering some other thoughts about the possible reality of a 2nd chance. I know in most cases, you'd be better off to finish the healing from this and then moving on to find someone who won't dump you out of the blue.

 

Thank you for the honesty - I appreciate everything I am getting here.

 

I agree that we haven't really changed in the past 6 weeks.

 

Well, actually I have a little - I want to give myself some credit for what I've accomplished. I had been making some changes in me right after my dad died in March. It opened my eyes to some things about me. I had been using that to work on me, and I had been bringing that to the relationship. I also started to see a counselor recently.

 

With all the pressures in my life...losing my dad, losing my job, college, my mom's health (who was admitted to the hospital last night while I am on a business trip), and then the BU. I have a lot going on and I am drained. The counseling will be helpful to work through all this stress, anxiety, and sadness. I also need to get out of the depression state that I am in now.

 

My ex recognized his own weaknesses in the email yesterday and apologized that he hadn't verbalized some of the changes in me that he had been seeing. He apologized for a lot of things, and realizes he may have lost all opportunities to be my friend and partner. He knows that he betrayed my trust and may never get that back again.

 

He seems to be holding some anger and issues from months ago, and hasn't been able to let go of that. I can tell he is working through it in his head.

 

He talked about how devastated he would be if something ever happened to me. He talked about how much he loved being there for me during the hard times, holding me when I cried about my dad, and how he liked to be strong for me. It made him feel valued.

 

Lots of stuff...sorry I am rambling...

 

He admitted some stuff that he brought from his past into to the relationship, and part of that is a commitment issue caused by his parent's divorce and the way his ex Wife left him. He won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until he figures that stuff out. And I can't help him with that.

 

I know how deeply he cares for me, and I can tell he is having second thoughts. He is missing me, and my friendship, and he knows what he lost.

 

That helps, validating what I thought and what I bring to a relationship. But that validating needs to come from within myself too. It cannot all come from him.

 

Having said all that, we are not talking about reconciling right now. We are just in the beginning stages of talking.

 

I am not ready to be in a relationship right now anyway, with him or anyone. I have some stuff I need to work out for myself. I also want to continue to see the counselor that I have been seeing and keep moving forward. He can't help me with my pieces either.

 

Honestly, I'm not opposed to reconciliation or perhaps a friendship someday, but that can't happen right now. I am not ready.

 

We love each other, no doubt. But that isn't enough. Time will tell.

 

I haven't replied to his email yet, but he deserves a reply. Maybe later today or tomorrow.

 

Thank you again. Please keep the input coming. It helps!

[FaithInMe]

A bit of a tough day here...

 

As I mentioned in a post from a couple days ago, I am on a business trip, and tied in some time at a friend's farm over the weekend.

 

Their son lives abroad and was on business in Kenya. Sometime last night or early this morning, he had a massive heart attack and died.

 

This family is devastated.

 

It is very busy here with people coming and going, phone calls, including the embassy, his business partner, and soon to be ex wife in Serbia. It's crazy.

 

I was about to find a hotel closer to where I am staying next week, and later today I will get out of their hair. That will open up the bedroom here for family that is on their way.

 

Needless to say, this is hitting close to home for me, and I am trying to hold it together. I have one foot on a banana peel on most days, and can easily slip and fall on my a$$. I have teared up a couple of times, but I am trying to be strong for them.

 

Later on, once I help with a few things, I'll be heading out and to my hotel.

 

At least when I lost my dad, I was close. And it was somewhat expected after the long battle with cancer. But he was nearby. I cannot imagine doing this from another country!

 

These poor people.

 

It just goes to show again how short life is.

 

Never miss an opportunity to tell people how you feel about them.

Taking nothing in life for granted.

And let go of grudges and the little things....in the long-run, they just aren't worth it.

 

Please keep this family in your prayers.

[aloneinaz]

 

It just goes to show again how short life is.

 

 

Sorry to hear about their loss. Glad to hear you're not going to jump right back into that previous R/S.. Reading your reply to me about him and what he said to you just screamed "red flags" to me.. I was in my mid-late 40's when I met a woman the same age w/lots of previous baggage from her failed marriage and other life issues. She's the one that FINALLY taught me NOT to recycle relationships, once they end. I gave her a couple of opportunities after some break ups w/her. Both reconciliations were disastrous and only exasperated the time to move on from her, heal and meet someone I was more compatible with, which I did.

 

 

I've had many relationships over the decades that included a 2nd or 3rd shot. None worked nor do I really know anyone in a successful, long term relationship that's included one.

 

 

As you stated, life is indeed FAR to short to stay in un-healthy relationships. As a mid-lifer, I don't want to waste my time nor anyone else's when signs of long term compatibility show up.

[FaithInMe]

0 days NC

and 44 days Post BU

 

Today would have been Day 33 of NC

 

But as I posted a few days ago, my ex sent me an email. I took some time and replied to him over the weekend. Then we had a very short email exchange today.

 

It is amazing that he reached out to me on Day 30 exactly. It was as if he was following one of those "NC for 30 days" guides (heck, maybe he was).

 

I was afraid that the contact might really set me back, but I'm actually impressed with myself and how well I am handling it. Except for creating some additional thoughts in my head about things he disclosed, it hasn't had as much impact as I feared.

 

That is what 30 days of NC will do for you! Yay!

 

It is amazing how much progress I've made in just the past week or so. I don't know what it was, but it's like a switch flipped in me. Perhaps it was this business trip giving me some space and clarity, or my friend losing her son. Whatever it is, I like it.

 

I can tell that there is still a lot of love between my ex and me. Love is not enough though.

 

Part of the reason for his contact was also to ease his guilt, I'm sure, but this isn't "my first time at the rodeo" and I am smart enough to recognize his needs with that.

 

The contact was helpful, definitely. And I reaize how lucky I am because many people will never be able to have respectful and loving communication with their ex. Some may never get closure. I honestly believe that part of the reason we CAN talk to each other is because of the NC. It gave us both time to breathe!

 

I learned some stuff from his email, with things he shared about him and our relationship (from this email and the ones before I started the NC). Even though we may never be able to regain trust, become friends, or reconcile, having these conversations with him have helped me see things through a different filter. I am learning from the conversation, and in many ways it has helped bring me the beginning stages of closure.

 

It helps me to see that he is recognizing the loss, his perspectives, what contributed to where we are, and that he knows he has work to do if he ever hopes to be a part of my life (as a friend or whatever). There were some apologies too, which will help with healing for both of us.

 

Although I am not totally against working through things at some point, the relationship we had is gone, and the closure has been healthy for me. I still need time for me and my plan has not changed. I will go back to NC, and if he initiates further communication, I will respond with equal communication (not more not less).

 

I love this feeling of control and confidence. I can feel myself becoming more healthy emotionally and physically every day.

 

I'm still reading that book and enjoying it so far. It is making me think. Speaking of my book, I need to wrap up here and get to reading! It helps me sleep.

 

I am proof that NC does work. Without that clarity and strength, I don't think I would have handled this week's contact so well.

 

Onward and forward! Thanks for reading!

 

~~Faith

[FaithInMe]

I am back from my business trip. Except for the work pieces that went well, the rest was nothing like I planned! Between my mom being admitted to the hospital, the death of my friend’s son, leaving the farm and moving to a different hotel, and getting an email from my ex after 30 days of NC…..wow, what a whirlwind!

 

But I did well through all of that and I am proud of myself. The trip and the hours of driving to/from, and a couple of good cries, gave me some new clarity.

 

I met with my counselor today and talked about it all. Every session helps me see things a little more clearly. More about that later, when I have time to write a longer post.

 

Question….

 

I mentioned that my ex and I have had some limited contacted over the past week and I would like to keep those lines of communication open at the moment. I'd like to let it play out, wherever it goes, and I don't plan to push. I'll remain NC (or limited C) in the days and weeks to come.

 

My cousin messaged me today asking if I could get her my ex’s contact information. My ex works in communications and she had met him at my dad’s funeral (don’t know if she realizes we are now broke up). At the funeral she and her daughter had talked to my ex about getting some PR work done through his company.

 

I am fairly confident that he would help my cousin and this PR thing she is doing.

 

My ex is not always good about emails and can miss them sometimes. He is better with text messages.

 

Knowing that my ex and I are on good terms (always have been) and with the recent communication lines opening, I am thinking of sending him a short text message to tell him that my cousin has reached out and wants his contact info. Then ask him the best way for her to reach him.

 

I assume he would reply. But I don’t plan to continue the text conversation unless he opens that door. I’ll go back to NC.

 

Then I'll message my cousin and let her know that I talked to him, and she can reach him through ____________. I'll let her know we broke up too, so she doesn't trip up on that in the conversation with him, making both of them feel uncomfortable.

 

Is this too pushy? I don't feel like it is, based on what I know about my ex, and that conversation at the funeral. I think he'd be happy to know that she is reaching out.

 

I guess I'm leaning in this direction, but I want to be prepared for any backlash from the exchange. (Don't think we'll fight since we haven't done that.......but don't want to be hurt either.)

 

Thoughts? Thanks!

[54JA]

Hi! Good to hear from you again. I am also glad to hear that you found the book helpful.

 

About your question, it all depends on which stage you are on. Once you break NC, you are allowing an opening for all types of information to reach you, including the information about him dating someone new. It really does not matter whether he currently has the intention to date someone or not. Many people believe they can handle being in contact as long as their exes are not dating. Things often change (if contact was resumed in the early stage) as soon as one party begins dating.

 

I still recommend NC because I think it helps people to get used to the idea of leading a separate and independent lives. I think people can break NC once they are truly content with their separate and independent lives. That way, they can reach out without any expectations or hopes, but purely out of fondness. Since you two ended on good terms, I think you two will survive the necessary period of NC and will be able to reconnect in the future, whether it's a year or 5 years from now.

 

As for the text about your cousin, I think it's OK as long as you can go back to NC afterwards and stick to it.

 

I just want you to be careful with the common "false sense of control" people often get from their exes reaching out. When exes reach out and express their loves and regrets, people confuse the feeling of being validated with that of being in control. Being in control really means you are not phased by the content of the message. You are truly in control and have closure when exes reach out with the message that "I met someone and am getting married," and you are not affected by it. Being in control means your feelings are not dependent on the content of the message/information from the exes. Personally, I think it's very risky to resume contact especially if hearing from him felt good/had a big impact on you. The degree of impact may suggest the degree to which the past with him is still impacting your current life.

 

I just want you to think about it, especially because you have been doing tremendously well and have put in a lot of work. Good luck.

[aloneinaz]

I think you're dragging out the ultimate ending and healing. Personally, you should give his number to the person needing his services. Let them know you're no longer together and let them contact him one on one. As an outsider, it appears you looking for reasons to contact him and stay connected.

 

 

You need to make a decision. Let this go or stay "stuck" in the position you're now in. I know it's extremely hard to do. I've never seen anyone have luck in recovering and moving on to a new relationship when they stayed in LC w/their last ex they were not over.

 

 

I wish you luck w/whatever direction you decide on.

[FaithInMe]

Hi! Good to hear from you again. I am also glad to hear that you found the book helpful.

Thanks for keeping up with me here. I really appreciate your point of view. I am looking forward to getting further into the book. It is making me think.

 

I also started trying meditation this week, to help calm my mind and the spiraling thoughts. I find it to be relaxing, but I have a long way to go to get my mind to slow down.

 

About your question, it all depends on which stage you are on. Once you break NC, you are allowing an opening for all types of information to reach you, including the information about him dating someone new. It really does not matter whether he currently has the intention to date someone or not. Many people believe they can handle being in contact as long as their exes are not dating. Things often change (if contact was resumed in the early stage) as soon as one party begins dating.

 

I still recommend NC because I think it helps people to get used to the idea of leading a separate and independent lives. I think people can break NC once they are truly content with their separate and independent lives. That way, they can reach out without any expectations or hopes, but purely out of fondness. Since you two ended on good terms, I think you two will survive the necessary period of NC and will be able to reconnect in the future, whether it's a year or 5 years from now.

I am not even going to pretend that I am okay with him dating someone else. Nor am I ready to put my heart out there and date either. So I know that we can't be friends and hang out. A day will come when I am more indifferent to him, and I look forward to that day. On that day, hearing that he is dating someone might make me sigh or take a breath, but I could handle that. It would be a sigh over what might have been, but I'd also know I was in a better place and wished the same for him.

 

Not sure that is making any sense.

 

It would be similar to what I've experienced with other exes...when I had moved on to an acceptance phase and was living life. When I found out they found someone new, it made me reflect on the past briefly, just briefly, but I kept on going. By the time that happened, we had become friends, and hearing the news did not hurt.

 

As for the text about your cousin, I think it's OK as long as you can go back to NC afterwards and stick to it.

As it turns out, he contacted me, so I added it into that conversation.

 

My ex and I have this weird connection thing...always have....There were many times that I would be picking up the phone to call him, and he'd call me. The same with emails and texts. It was like we had some odd telepathic thing going on. haha

 

So it happened on Thursday. I was sitting at the desk in my home office. I picked up the phone to send him a message, and as I was typing, I received a message from him. I jumped when I received it.

 

He had met with a client (the daughter of a friend I used to work with). Last year he told me about the client, and I realized that I knew her. Through that conversation I learned that the mother (my friend) was sick. Well, I didn't know, but my friend passed away. My ex learned about it through the daughter. So he sent me a message asking if I knew. I did not.

 

I started to cry immediately. With all that has happened in my life this year, I hadn't been in touch with my friend like I had hoped, and I didn't realize her illness had taken such a bad turn. I was heartbroken.

 

I responded to my ex and thanked him and told him that I wish I had been a better friend to her. He was kind in his reply and offered support and encouragement.

 

I took advantage of the message string to tell him about my cousin. He replied and said he'd be happy to talk to her. I did not respond to him and let the conversation stop naturally.

 

I gave my cousin his contact info and later found out that she had talked to him.

 

So that is done. Back to NC and moving forward.

 

 

I just want you to be careful with the common "false sense of control" people often get from their exes reaching out. When exes reach out and express their loves and regrets, people confuse the feeling of being validated with that of being in control. Being in control really means you are not phased by the content of the message. You are truly in control and have closure when exes reach out with the message that "I met someone and am getting married," and you are not affected by it. Being in control means your feelings are not dependent on the content of the message/information from the exes. Personally, I think it's very risky to resume contact especially if hearing from him felt good/had a big impact on you. The degree of impact may suggest the degree to which the past with him is still impacting your current life.

 

I just want you to think about it, especially because you have been doing tremendously well and have put in a lot of work. Good luck.

Thank you for looking out for me.

 

By control, I meant that I handled a tough weekend incredibly well and felt stronger because of it. I am not in control when it comes to my ex with someone else. That will take time. And his emails would make me think a lot, but it didn't send me back to the way it felt in the beginning. That is progress!

 

Validated? Maybe a little.

I am glad he sent the message, because I learned a little from it. But it doesn't change anything about where I am heading or the work I need to do for me. Same plan.

 

I also see more clearly how much baggage he carries and I can see all the issues that he has to work through for himself. None of that is mine to worry about. It's sad because as his best friend and partner, I would have held his hand and I would have been there. But he chose to let me go.

[FaithInMe]

49 days post break up

2 days NC

(I reached 30 days NC and my ex sent me an email on Day 30. That initiated some amicable LC and now I am back at NC.)

 

My counselor appointment went well last week.

 

We talked about all the challenges I faced over my trip: the death of my friend's son, the hospitalization of my mom, and an email from my ex. Through all of that I was able to maintain focus on my school work and a group project, and the business trip. I was also able to help and comfort my friend. I felt pretty good at the way I managed it all.

 

I have also learned about how to set boundaries with my brother and the support he provides as it relates to my mom. I am learning to ask for help, and ask for what I need, from both him and my mom. Sometimes he tries to hand the baton back to me, but during the trip I was able to let him keep the baton. I had some minimal participation on some issues with my mom, and let him handle the rest.

 

Did they all turn out like I had hoped? Nope!

Was it the way I would have done it? Nope!

And that's okay. I cannot be everything to everyone, and it's okay if I let someone else do some work.

 

I also came to recognize why my brother does things the way he does sometimes. I gained some new perspective that may help me be less angry at him for what he does (or does not) do.

 

We discussed how I was dealing with my mom's situation, and then we talked about my ex and how I was feeling about him contacting me. And how I was handling it.

 

The counselor mentioned that she can tell I am very insightful. Of course that can also contribute to the constant mind chatter.

 

I love how her questions and perception make me ask questions of myself and help me figure out things on my own.

 

Anyway, it's helping.

One day at a time. One step at a time.

 

I am currently visiting with a friend who lives on the bay. I've been doing homework while staring out at the water, the boats, and the bay bridge. Like my view during my business trip, this doesn't suck either!

 

Keeping busy and having a plan in advance seems to be working well for me. I need to get a plan for next weekend. I have a big project and I need to study for the final exam. So there will be a lot of alone time. Since I'm not good at handling that alone time just yet, I need to get a plan that gets me out of the house during this mass work time. Thinking....

[FaithInMe]

51 days post break up

4 days NC

(I am proud that I actually reached 30 days NC and then my ex sent me an email on Day 30. That initiated some amicable LC and now I am back at NC.)

 

There are funky days and there are good days. I keep discovering things that impact my mood, like being tired or thinking about my ex. No surprise there, I guess.

 

When I feel accomplished or when I am with people, I feel better.

 

So like I've been posting about, I'm trying to fill up my time with activities outside the house. Last night I went to one of my Meet Up group get-togethers, and a lot of my GF's were there. Fun night!

 

It took me a little while to get to sleep last night. As a result, I woke up really tired this morning. The first half of my workday was a real downer and I probably would have started crying if someone said hello in the wrong tone.

 

But it started picking up after lunch. And tonight has been great!

 

-- I finished my college homework and project a day early.

 

-- I went running for the first time in I don't know how long. I wasn't fast and it just about killed me, but I did it! I know that the exercise will help counteract that ex withdrawal crap that I've been having for weeks. Good grief, it's like a drug isn't it? Awwwghhh! I hate that feeling. Running is much better!

 

-- I booked the airline tickets for my vacation to see my kids in CA! I leave a couple days after my final exam, and I can't wait! I've never been to CA. 12 more days!

 

I should sleep well tonight. And if I crawl into bed early enough I get to read my book.

 

Two steps forward, one step back, and one giant leap forward! I like the leap days a lot better!! Definitely!!