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Break up, abortion and STD all in one week


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Hi, I really need some advice from anyone willing to listen.

 

I met someone a year ago. At that time, he was separated from his wife. He told me he was getting a divorce ( he has 3 kids under 10 years old with 2 different women). Few months into the relationship, he was secretly trying to reconcile with his wife, which i found out. He apologised and said it was because he was confused and the fact that I would not commit to moving in with him etc. Somehow we managed to sort it out.

 

Few months into our relationship, he found out he had an STD. There was no issue, as he was the first man I slept with so we established it was from his previous relationships. We both got tested and treated. I returned to the clinic after 6 weeks, and then 6 months. I was all clear. I did not ask if he did, but just assumed he was treated and clear like me.

 

Fast forward a year later, he told me has an STD. I was shocked as we were both in a committed relationship. I have not been with anyone so I was baffled. He claimed it may have been dormant and it did not clear in his body since July 2014 and that is why he has tested positive for an STD. He said he went to get tested as he felt he had thrush.

 

I went to the clinic and got treated. Fast forward a week, I have found out I am pregnant. I told him, and he does not want it and "to get rid". I told him I needed time to get my head around having an STD again ( that apparently stayed in his body for a whole year) and finding out I am also pregnant.

 

In this time, he basically just ended the relationship i guess, and blocked me on whats app etc and said take care and bye.

 

After consideration, I have decided not to have the baby and opted for a private abortion. As I was blocked on whats app, I made the decision to ring him and tell him. He told me, "to go on the NHS like everyone else" as he isn't prepared to pay for anything, even half.

 

I guess i am hurt, because he does have the money and could afford it if he wanted. And secondly, I will have to go alone to the clinic.

 

I cant tell anyone about this, nor do I want to. My way of mentally coping is by no one knowing and he knows I have no support in that sense i.e someone to go with me. He also told me not to tell anyone about this.

 

What do i do? Cut all ties and change my number. Or wait to see if he changes his mind and offers to come with me?

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Few months into our relationship, he found out he had an STD. There was no issue, as he was the first man I slept with so we established it was from his previous relationships.

 

So let me get this straight. The first time you had sex was with a married man who has an STD? That's nasty, why did you stay with some guy who has STDs? :sick:

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LeslieKnope

First, I'm sorry you're going through something so traumatic.

 

Second, your ex sounds terrible. I appreciate and understand why you would want someone there with you, but as he's shown zero support so far I doubt he'll provide you with any while you go through the procedure.

 

Is there really no one that you can talk to about this? I wouldn't worry about what your ex says because frankly he sounds useless. But perhaps a close friend that will guard your privacy and support you?

 

If not, there are lots of support groups online that can help you through this. I would also mention to the clinic that you're by yourself and feeling very vulnerable.

 

Be well.

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So let me get this straight. The first time you had sex was with a married man who has an STD? That's nasty, why did you stay with some guy who has STDs?

 

He was separated from his wife ( going through a divorce) she had left town and moved away. They were both seeing other people so there relationship was over accordingly.

 

Secondly, he got the STD from previous relationships. It wasn't for me to judge why he got it. It was from before he met me so I didn't judge him for it. But the second STD is questionable and one of the reasons for the break up.

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Wow, hectic!

 

You need to go into crisis management mode right now and accept things for the way that they are, not the way you wish things would be. Your ex is a horrid individual who has infected you with an STD (I honestly hope that it is curable) and then left you with a baby. As hard as it sounds, you need to forget about him and concentrate solely on finishing your course of medication, getting tested for HIV/AIDS and then the matter of the abortion.

 

He is not coming back and you have to act under that reality. Don't ask him for supoort emotionally, financially or otherwise as I suspect it will just lead to more abuse from him. I am sure you have someone in your life you can depend on, now is the time to lean on them. If not, you will have to find the strength inside yourself to go it alone. There are anonymous forums online on the topic and depending on your geographic location, support groups you can go to.

 

I am really sorry for your pain and the trauma of this experience but right now the focus has to be on yourself, your health (physical and mental) and that man will not offer it.

 

Sending you light and love.

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Wow, hectic!

 

You need to go into crisis management mode right now and accept things for the way that they are, not the way you wish things would be. Your ex is a horrid individual who has infected you with an STD (I honestly hope that it is curable) and then left you with a baby. As hard as it sounds, you need to forget about him and concentrate solely on finishing your course of medication, getting tested for HIV/AIDS and then the matter of the abortion.

 

He is not coming back and you have to act under that reality. Don't ask him for supoort emotionally, financially or otherwise as I suspect it will just lead to more abuse from him. I am sure you have someone in your life you can depend on, now is the time to lean on them. If not, you will have to find the strength inside yourself to go it alone. There are anonymous forums online on the topic and depending on your geographic location, support groups you can go to.

 

I am really sorry for your pain and the trauma of this experience but right now the focus has to be on yourself, your health (physical and mental) and that man will not offer it.

 

Sending you light and love.

 

Hi, Thank you for the advice, I have now changed my mobile number etc and will try to focus on myself. I have got treated for it, so far so good and all tests have come back clear.

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I'm going to guess he used you and had no intention of being with you long term. I suspect he was sleeping around with other women as well. Are there times where he cannot be accounted for? Sounds like a real loser to me and perhaps you fell for his charm and lies?

 

In any event I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes life is cruel and tough lessons are learned. Never be with a man who claims he is on his outs with his wife.

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I'm going to guess he used you and had no intention of being with you long term. I suspect he was sleeping around with other women as well. Are there times where he cannot be accounted for? Sounds like a real loser to me and perhaps you fell for his charm and lies?

 

In any event I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes life is cruel and tough lessons are learned. Never be with a man who claims he is on his outs with his wife.

 

I'm not sure if he used me, he wanted me to move into his home and be with him full time ( we live an hour apart). I felt it was too soon to move in, but i did see him during the week/weekend minis the odd days here and there.

 

I didn't whole heartily believe his story that his STD remained in his body for a year despite treatment. The doctor told me that the medication most likely should have worked if followed correctly and would be unusual to remain for a year dormant. But i cant prove he cheated nor would he tell me the truth if he did. Catch 22.

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Secondly, he got the STD from previous relationships. It wasn't for me to judge why he got it. It was from before he met me so I didn't judge him for it. But the second STD is questionable and one of the reasons for the break up.

 

It's good not to judge, but it's also good to have standards. Finding out he contracted an STD didn't turn you off? Plus he wasn't officially divorced and he has 3 kids with 2 different women. What's so special about him? Who is this guy? Jude Law?

 

My point being is you should have seen the red flags. Is it that surprising he dropped you like a hot potato and refuses to pay for an abolition or support you at all? I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's quite horrific. You need to cut this guy out of your life immediately.

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It's good not to judge, but it's also good to have standards. Finding out he contracted an STD didn't turn you off? Plus he wasn't officially divorced and he has 3 kids with 2 different women. What's so special about him? Who is this guy? Jude Law?

 

My point being is you should have seen the red flags. Is it that surprising he dropped you like a hot potato and refuses to pay for an abolition or support you at all? I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's quite horrific. You need to cut this guy out of your life immediately.

 

Your right, I have changed my number today. The phone network were great and did it immediately.

 

He did try talking to me for a day, but I told him I needed time to get my head around a random STD reappearing and an unexpected pregnancy so i wasn't texting him much for a day. He got very angry about this and then started to abuse me. He said '' I was ignoring him, treating him badly and he deserved better''. So he blocked me and never heard back.

 

Hardly Jude Law, but I will get through this somehow.

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Hardly Jude Law, but I will get through this somehow.

 

Ugh. I truly hope you have family or friends you can rely on for emotional support. He left you in a real mess. It's unfortunate that only recently you saw his true colors, after the fact. I do hope that you'll be okay and I'm very sorry that you got screwed over like this. This is a great place for support as well. Come here and post as much as you want. You'll be okay, stay strong.

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Ugh. I truly hope you have family or friends you can rely on for emotional support. He left you in a real mess. It's unfortunate that only recently you saw his true colors, after the fact. I do hope that you'll be okay and I'm very sorry that you got screwed over like this. This is a great place for support as well. Come here and post as much as you want. You'll be okay, stay strong.

 

Thank you for talking to me. I guess I just needed a third person's view about the situation. Part of me was feeling that I done something wrong by questioning how he had an STD again. Even in my mind using logic and speaking to healthcare doctors, still does not make sense how he still had it a year later. Then bring in the pregnancy and things got worse.

 

I guess he got angry at me questioning the STD and my shock at the pregnancy news, and taking a step back from him.

 

A part of me feels like it is my fault for him not being here anymore. But i know a good man would not just leave a woman to deal with this alone. He isnt.......its probably just the shock of him not being interested that I will be alone at the clinic or having the aftercare. He must be cruel eh

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This guy is an asshat of epic proportions. He and my ex should get together and hang out because they are very similar people.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this now. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by blocking him and moving on.

 

You are right to think that whatever STD he had didn't remain dormant for a year. It sounds like whoever he got it from the first time didn't get treated properly and gave it back to him again. You did mention thrush though. Was it just thrush or was it Chlamydia? You don't have to answer that question but it does make a difference. Thrush is more like a yeast infection which is common and can be passed back and forth between partners regularly. When I was with my ex husband I ended up with yeast infections regularly even though we were both treated multiple times. For some reason it was only with him that I kept getting it because since then I've only gotten it when I was on antibiotics. For what it's worth, my ex husband never had any symptoms but more than likely he was a carrier of it. It was something about HIM that caused it to keep happening to me. Chlamydia is different though. I've read several articles about how it can lie dormant in the stomach and reinfect the person. Usually once it's treated properly it's gone. The information I read wasn't from a reputable medical website so I'm not sure how valid it is, but I did read that it can lie dormant and reinfect the same person.

 

All of that aside... the STD's are kind of on the back burner compared to how else he's treating you and his past history. The fact that he has 3 kids under the age of 10 from 2 different women should have told you something about what kind of man he is. The way he's treating you now after finding out you are pregnant is my main concern. He probably doesn't want to deal with the idea of a 4th child to support. That still doesn't excuse the way he's treating you about it. He should be there to help support you through the abortion. I do have to ask though... why weren't you using protection? Condom use would have prevented all of this. It's always easy to look back now and say... you should have done blah blah blah. I do wonder why you didn't insist on it given the fact that he had already managed to get an STD before you.

 

I hope you can find a good friend to confide in and go with you to the appointment. Keep on with blocking him and don't let him back into your life. All of this is just too much for a new relationship. He shouldn't be treating you this way and you deserve to be treated better than that. Demand to be treated better than that and don't accept less. Don't let him or any future man make you feel like you deserve to be treated poorly. You don't.

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You are right to think that whatever STD he had didn't remain dormant for a year. It sounds like whoever he got it from the first time didn't get treated properly and gave it back to him again. You did mention thrush though. Was it just thrush or was it Chlamydia? .

 

Hi, thank you for the great response. Yes, it was chlamydia. He claimed he thought he was suffering from thrush therefore went to a clinic to get tested and it turned out to be an STD.

 

We did use protection but I changed it to the oral pill recently. Being in a committed relationship and both previously been cleared/treated for STDs, I just went with the trust factor and didn't think I'd get it again.

 

I will never know about how I got re infected. But questioning it, made him very defensive and attacked me instead. It was shortly after this, I found out I was pregnant. I minimised contact for a day and didn't respond very much to his texts as I felt betrayed and even more devastated by finding out I pregnant.

 

He thought I was treating him badly by asking for space, and not talking to him properly. He told me that he had enough and deserved better than me. He left. He is aware I am paying full costs myself and will be going alone to the clinic (he knows my circumstances so fully aware no one would be there), he's just turned a blind eye. No offer of any support even as an ex.

 

Im just concentrating on dealing with this myself now.

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You are right to think that whatever STD he had didn't remain dormant for a year. It sounds like whoever he got it from the first time didn't get treated properly and gave it back to him again. You did mention thrush though. Was it just thrush or was it Chlamydia? .

 

Hi, thank you for the great response. Yes, it was chlamydia. He claimed he thought he was suffering from thrush therefore went to a clinic to get tested and it turned out to be an STD.

 

We did use protection but I changed it to the oral pill recently. Being in a committed relationship and both previously been cleared/treated for STDs, I just went with the trust factor and didn't think I'd get it again.

 

I will never know about how I got re infected. But questioning it, made him very defensive and attacked me instead. It was shortly after this, I found out I was pregnant. I minimised contact for a day and didn't respond very much to his texts as I felt betrayed and even more devastated by finding out I pregnant.

 

He thought I was treating him badly by asking for space, and not talking to him properly. He told me that he had enough and deserved better than me. He left. He is aware I am paying full costs myself and will be going alone to the clinic (he knows my circumstances so fully aware no one would be there), he's just turned a blind eye. No offer of any support even as an ex.

 

Im just concentrating on dealing with this myself now.

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lollipopspot

After consideration, I have decided not to have the baby and opted for a private abortion. As I was blocked on whats app, I made the decision to ring him and tell him. He told me, "to go on the NHS like everyone else" as he isn't prepared to pay for anything, even half.

 

Tell him he can pay for half of an abortion, or child support for 18 years. His choice.

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