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How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?


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I was with my ex for 2 years. After over a year, he'd never said "I love you." Rarely complimented me or really listened to my stories or wanted to get to know me on a deep level. "Dates" were almost ALWAYS planned by me. 2nd date, he just wanted me to come over and watch a movie. 3rd, come over and eat takeout. I knew nothing about his family (let alone meeting them, or even Skyping with them, as they were overseas and he hadn't bothered to visit them himself in 10 years.) First time he met MY mom, you'd think he would be on "good" behavior, yet my mom ends up telling me that she didn't like the way he was talking about my job like it was clearly below his, and she even caught him rolling his eyes at something I said. Things always felt superficial. He'd respond to most of my stories or conversation starters with, "That's good." Would text me maybe once a night, but forget phone calls. Seemed like it was too much effort or talking for him.

 

Well after a year, as you all know, I was feeling insecure about it all. (From the fact that I'd come over his place and he'd just sit in the office doing work all night, when his job didn't even mandate he finish that work urgently...And he declared "Work will be my priority, not you, for at least years to come.") Eventually I tell him "I don't know if we're on the same page, I mean you haven't even told me you love me, and I'm not sure you eventually want the kind of future - marriage, kids, whatever- that I do." He goes "I do love you, I've never said that to any girl before." (He dated his ex for 3 years.) "I do want marriage and kids with you when the time is right." I ended up giving him a hug, then going out bc he knew I had plans with my best girlffriend already. Well, later by reading his texts, I find out that he'd texted a single girl from his summer job and asked her to meet him up at the bar alone. She couldn't join, but he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her, asking for pics, etc even while going out and having sex with me. Saved her as a guy friend's name on his phone and then deleted the texts (I saw them before he did). Much later when I confront him, he claims he considered us "broken up" at the time. News to me!! Regardless, a month later she's texting and asking her if he'll come over her place and drink once she's back in town. He says "definitely."

 

So after that incident it was hard for me to trust him again. And hard for me to trust that him assuring me of a future wasn't him just throwing me a bone to shut me up. Yes he asked me to move in, but his buddy texted and said to him, "May as well get a ring and make it official?", and my BF's response was just "I'm warming up to her moving in bc it's nice to only pay 1/2 the rent." Later he assured me my name was on the lease -- actually forwarded me an online lease for me to sign, with our landlord's name etc, then later I find out that she never signed it (which my boyfriend knew, while continuing to make me think I was on the lease and collecting rent from me). I don't want to pick partners who just do lousy things and never really love me on a deeper level. So how do I avoid this next time?

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You stop when you see red flags. When your needs are not getting met, you chose your own happiness & sanity & you walk away head held high.

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What a creep. How could you even entertain the idea of staying with him let alone move in with him after he was trying to hook up with other people?

 

Feeling "unloved" in a relationship, constantly ignored, parents don't like them, trivial things take priority over you, patronizing comments, doesn't call you, minimizes what you have to say ...... All those things happened to you. Anyone of those are valid reasons to question the integrity of the relationship.

 

Doesn't take a degree in rocket science. You have feelings, they were constantly being hurt = guy is an A**h***.

 

No one deserves that kind of emotional abuse. There are men out there who are loving, attentive and actually enjoy spending time with their partners. Find one of them and be happy!

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It's my fault. Long before he tried to sneak out with the girl, he knew (because I'm always very transparent w him) that I had a guy friend from my hometown x15 years. We've never dated and I'd talk on phone with this guy in front of my BF all the time- no secrets. We'd make plans to hang out sometimes when I went home, but usually not alone but rather with my family (he's known my parents forever). And meanwhile my BF was having a single girl over his apartment alone WITHOUT telling me anything about her. And he lied about her once- we had date night planned but he was late, then I found out it was bc she texted him to meet her for drinks at this work function. I didn't care about that, but he could've been honest w me that he was delaying our date for work function. Instead... He stone cold lies that he came right home from work, then deletes the incriminating texts.

 

That's the difference, in my mind. I had a guy friend of 10 years but I never hid it. My BF was just not forthcoming and lied about small things. Yes I'd send "pics" to my guy friend but not sexy pics, rather pics with my family or close friends just to show him what I'd been up to out of state since we don't use Facebook.

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My (ex) BF is being nice now- helped me with a work question yesterday, and this morning handed me the toothpaste when he was done. And I asked how he was and he said "ok, how are you?" Back. Is there a way I can slowly get him to want and love me again without being too fast-forward and turning him off again?

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Is there a way I can slowly get him to want and love me again without being too fast-forward and turning him off again?

 

You've got bigger problems than that I'm afraid. :(

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I remember coming over and he'd ignore me for hours, head buried in work that wasn't even due in next few days. I'd say hey I know you're busy but I'd ask for him to come to bed for 10 min and he'd decline, or say "you're not a 5 year old." Once I came over his place bc we were going out w friends, and he was cleaning. Kept cleaning for 2 hours and barely said a word to me, NO efforts at conversation. These are the times when I'd feel insecure, bring up the future bc then I thought at least I'd get some reassurance from him in SOmE way.

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Well he talks to me now. Just polite, short responses but that's all it ever was with him- he could never really carry on any conversation with me. I asked how he was and he said "ok, how about you?" It's the same level of detachment he's always had so maybe he'll want me back. I put a photo of us back up in the living room and he hasn't taken it down

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Your original Q was how to you avoid making the same mistakes. First step, break up with him. This man does not care about you. He barely talks to you. he doesn't pay attention to you. What is the upside for you in staying?

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YOU appear to have a brain that reformats itself daily...

 

This guy is nasty, abuses you, disrespects you, makes you cry, but despite the hard punches he doles out, up you pop like a kid's bop bag ready for more, with a reformatted brain that doesn't seem to remember just how badly he did in fact treat you.

 

He did x, y and z, but instead of thinking "Wow, he is a nasty piece of work, better not go anywhere near him", you go "he did x, y, and z", but you then ask inane questions like "Is there a way I can slowly get him to want and love me again without being too fast-forward and turning him off again?"

NOOOO, stay away from him.

 

This is madness - a shark tried to eat me yesterday - how can I make it like me better...

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Like what?

 

YOU appear to have a brain that reformats itself daily...

 

elaine567, you hit the nail on the head. I just didn't want to be the one to say it. It felt like I was coming off as judgmental. You clearly see what the problem here is.

 

rams10 listen, really listen to what elaine567 is saying. It's honest, it's blunt ... but it's true. :(

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elaine567, you hit the nail on the head. I just didn't want to be the one to say it. It felt like I was coming off as judgmental. You clearly see what the problem here is.

Gus, you are new here. Look at Ram's previous posts. This issue goes back to before December of 2014.

 

Ram - you have been asking the same question for MONTHS. No, you can't get him to go back to loving you the way you want.

 

Why would you want that when he has cheated on you?

 

Why are you still living with him?

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Your original Q was how to you avoid making the same mistakes. First step, break up with him. This man does not care about you. He barely talks to you. he doesn't pay attention to you. What is the upside for you in staying?

 

 

He never really talked to me that much. The few times he'd ask me to meet up and get lunch at work (our offices are very close by), I'd be all excited but he didn't ever carry on much conversation or respond to what I said really. Hard to explain but I think that's just him. Which is why I'm excited that now he will respond to me, albeit brief. It's like his old self. And he's stopped telling me to leave his place

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And he's stopped telling me to leave his place

For your own self-respect, you should.

 

How would you like to come home and find him in bed with another girl? Because that is inevitable....

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Simply because she stopped telling you to leave doesn't mean he wants you to stay. He's just exhausted because you don't listen & won't go away.

 

this relationship has always been dysfunctional.

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LeslieKnope

Darling girl, I know you care very deeply for this despicable person for some reason, but nothing about his actions recent or past suggests a man who:

 

a) cares about you and can give you the love you deserve

b) is healthy, available, responsible, mature, kind, smart or understanding

c) is worthy of your time, thought, shared space or oxygen

 

Your lot in life is not to be his ego's crutch. You can and will move on and find someone much, much better (and I swear, after this guy, that should be easy as pie). Disengage!

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Itspointless

Rams I get that you are very insecure and need someone to make you feel normal. But you are better off alone than with this guy. Deep down you know this. It is as awful that you even are happy with little things like that he handed the toothpaste to you. You are addicted to your memories of him when he was luring you in. But you know what, unfortunately this is who he is an emotionally unavailable a**hole.

 

Leaving will be hard for a while as you have to detox, but than you will have the chance to find a nice guy who wants to start a family with you. The only thing this guy will give you is the tube of toothpaste and ruined chances.

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He always made me feel uncertain- whether it was never saying "I love you" back after over a year, little lies/deleting texts, never bothering to call and when I called him, just short answers to anything I said. So I reacted by pushing him to talk about the future or marriage. And by being (understandably) insecure after him trying to meet up and flirt with that girl behind my back. And my actions then pushed HIM away.

 

I don't know. He's being decently nice now and just sits in the apt doing work all night, isn't going out at night w anyone. The other night he left his phone out on table where I was for over 2 hours when usually he has it chained to his side every second. So maybe he will someday accept me back but I just don't know how to start the convo. Do I tell him I am sorry?

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Do I tell him I am sorry?

It's truly unfortunate that everyone's advice to you has fallen on deaf ears. :(

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Yes, everyone's point in that thread was that I should be more secure and stop bugging him about marriage. so I'm consideing apologizing to him for that. But meanwhile there were real reasons I couldn't feel secure in the relationship!

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You stop when you see red flags. When your needs are not getting met, you chose your own happiness & sanity & you walk away head held high.

I would only add

sooner rather than later.
You waited way too long. If he's not totally into you after about two or three months, you need to start looking around. It doesn't matter how much you like him. You can never love somebody enough to make up for the love he doesn't feel for you. He doesn't have to say "I love you" right away. He just has to show it enough that you know before he does.

 

That's the takeaway I'd give you.

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LeslieKnope

Rams, don't apologize to this awful, no-good guy for anything. You did nothing wrong. If I could convince you to pack up your stuff and sneak out of the apartment never to return again for the rest of your life, I would. He is SO not the be all end all. He is not 'treating you better'. You have been mistreated for so long that you've forgotten what true love and respect and commitment looks like. Sharing toothpaste and staying in working does not a boyfriend make. He's not even a particularly good roommate!

 

You can and will move on. This guy has been unanimously dissected on this board as a LOSER, which is remarkable for the internet. Believe that you deserve someone else, someone better.

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