Struggling to forget and move on...

[notsoweepingwillow]

Hi Everybody,

 

It's been 12 days since my ex called it quits with me (here's my original post if anyone is interested). I'm back at work this morning but I can't seem to get my mind off of her. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, my mind is fixated on her. It's maddening quite honestly considering the fact that she's probably out enjoying life with her new bf and doesn't even remember I existed.

 

I don't know what I've done to deserve to be treated the way she's treated me. I feel like I was disposable; used to fill a need in her life and then banished as soon as I fulfilled my purpose in her life. I can't help but think I've been living a lie these past two years.

 

I've been trying to do all the traditional things to get over the breakup. I'm spending more time with my family and friends. I've always been sort of a gym rat so the working out has more or less continued. I'm working on a home improvement project and am actually going through a full round of check-ups (doctor, dentist, optometrist), something I haven't done in over two years. Even though I'm doing my best to focus on myself the thought of her creeps into my mind and I can't shake it loose.

 

I feel like I no longer have control of my thoughts. It's as though I'm a prisoner to her.

 

I fully understand that the healing process is a long and painful journey but I want to start enjoying MY life again! I'm a fun-loving, optimistic and caring person but I feel like all of that has been taken away from me. I need to regain control of my life. This is such a struggle.

 

-NSWW

[aloneinaz]

Understand that everything your feeling and going thru is 100% normal. Everyone including me has been where you are. I wish there was a quick easier cure but the reality is you just have to power thru it.

 

 

The first month is the worse or for me, the first two weeks. I couldn't eat, sleep or function that great. I had mild depression, anxiety and felt like crap.

 

 

What worked for me and most others on this site was the following-

 

 

* Strick NC w/the ex. No spying on social media. Avoid places you may see them.

* Taking good care of ourselves. Eating good. Exercise to release endorphins. Getting as much sleep as we could.

* Staying busy with things to keep our minds from spinning 24 hours a day about the ex.

* Getting out of the house to spend time w/friends and family. Go for walk/run/bike ride in nature.

 

 

Looking back for me, the number one thing that was instrumental in moving on was NC and time passing. The ex is a HABIT that you go into withdrawal from the first 30 days. Once that ends, you start to feel better. Stick around this site and read as many posts as you can. You'll see what works, NC and what holds people back and stuck, limited contact, spying on them on social media, etc..

[Gus Grimly]

Not gonna lie, she will haunt your thoughts for quite sometime. Everyday you make a tiny bit of progress until one day you wake up, and she's no longer there to greet you. Nothing that anyone will say can persuade the workings of your subconsciousness to stop thinking about her. Your mind is pretty much on autopilot right now.

 

Just keep doing what you've been doing. "Fake it till you make it" at they say. It's not easy but you WILL make it! Just don't let your guard down.

[pillowpuffs]

Hi, I just read your old post and this and am truly sorry for what you're going through. I know exactly how you feel when you say you've lost control of your life. Although it probably doesn't help at all, but I'm going through something very similar to you. I used to have life in me, I used to be someone who was upbeat and good and kind and now all I feel is pathetic and bitter. It's like I've lost every inch of my being - sometimes I look in the mirror and I know the person looking back isn't me. It probably means nothing to you, but I understand you, I get you.

 

Sometimes people in life are just selfish, somehow they come into our lives and we love them and give them every part of our goodness only to get kicked to the curb when they find someone to replace us. I've come to learn and accept (especially from this forum) that this is just life. There will be moments that destroy you but just like your quote at the end of your original thread; it's about how you pick yourself up.

 

I'm not going to lie to you, these next few weeks are going to be hell (I'm 1.5 months post BU and honestly I still cry everyday and feel a huge load of pain) but I think you will get better. Try your best to block your thoughts out. I know it isn't easy at all and I'd be lying if I said I had full control over my thoughts but really everytime you think of her, tell yourself there's nothing about her present situation you can control.

 

I'm glad you're doing things to improve yourself and just working on yourself but honestly sometimes we place a lot of expectations on ourselves to get better. Don't expect anything. If this breakup has hit you hard like you say it has, maybe it will be like that for some while but just take it day by day and a step at a time. I've tried to force myself to go out a lot and it has sort of ended up hitting me hard in the face even more because I went out with expectation that I would feel better and I didn't. I felt worse! I am doing things to improve myself but I'm taking it slow and not having any expectations, if I do feel better then great but if I don't then so be it! One day, and hopefully soon, you will enjoy your life again. Till then, take care and I hope each passing day is a little easier for you.

[Jimmyjackson]

It's been 12 days...don't be so hard on yourself. If you were over it after 12 days I'd be a bit worried that you'd managed to do so after a two years relationship.

 

She will be in your thoughts for a while, just avoid contact and keep busy you'll be fine

[notsoweepingwillow]

I've tried to force myself to go out a lot and it has sort of ended up hitting me hard in the face even more because I went out with expectation that I would feel better and I didn't. I felt worse!

 

I know exactly what you're talking about! I went out to a pool party last weekend thinking I'll be able to get my mind off of her but instead of having fun, I kinda just sat there with this blank look on my face trying to unravel what was happening in my life. It was awkward and upsetting to say the least.

 

I know exactly how you feel when you say you've lost control of your life. Although it probably doesn't help at all, but I'm going through something very similar to you.

 

It in fact does mean a lot to me to have the support of this wonderful community. To be able to share my story and read about everyone else's experiences really helps ease the pain. I don't feel alone on my quest to get back on my feet, and neither should anybody else here.

[pillowpuffs]

Gah I know that. I've been at parties where after a while of socializing and laughing, I've sort of just sat by myself and wondered how I got to be so alone and unhappy. I know everyone says fake it till you make it but faking it can be so exhausting and there's no faking it when you get home and you're alone and just weeping on your bathroom floor.

 

And yes speaking to everyone and getting advice or just reading about people's experiences is some form of a cure isn't it? Anyway give yourself time. 12 days is still fresh. I couldn't even bring myself to access my computer until a just a little less than a month after my breakup so you're already a step ahead honestly!

[notsoweepingwillow]

I'm so torn up on the inside. We've gone NC from the moment she said it was over 12 days ago, but a huge part of me wishes that she would just give me something (text, e-mail, phone call, etc...) just so I know that she too is thinking about me. I realize that it will probably do more harm than good but I just can't wrap my head around how she just got over me so quickly! We were an integral part of each others lives for over two years! Was I really with someone who's that cold-hearted?

 

I feel like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I hear my phone vibrate my heart skips a beat and I rush to take a look, hoping and praying that it's her! Of course it never is and that feeling of disappointment just crushes me. We used to text one another the entire day when we were together. This is conditioning at its finest.

[Satu]

What you are experiencing is normal and to be expected.

 

 

Please take note of this:

 

 

A lot of mental and emotional pain comes from inner conflict and resistance.

 

Don't get into that.

 

Let the thoughts and feelings about her come and go like any other thoughts and feelings.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

Resisting them, or telling yourself that you shouldn't be thinking and feeling what you are, can create terrific inner tension.

 

Don't do that.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

Eventually these thoughts and feelings will run out of energy, and will only come to mind rarely, if ever.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Satu

[Ariess10]

I'm 4 month breakup and 4 months nc , I have noticed the thoughts have picked up a lot more but don't stay around as long .. I still find it hard to enjoy things but I make myself do them because I refuse to just give up .. It's not easy and it won't be easy , it's gonna be a very long road for months , I'm not gonna jelly coat it for you , it's been really hard on me but it does get better somewhat every day .. Little by little step by step , like the other poster said don't ignor the feelings

[Cra]

Went through a similar situation. I just want to tell you this; given time, your emotions and perspectives will change. I gaurantee you that. It's up to you to stick to no contact and continue on with the healing process.

 

Focus on yourself, do what you want to do, push yourself to be the best you can be and I promise good things will come. You sound like a great guy and any girl would be lucky to be with you. But for now, focus on letting go.

 

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

[pillowpuffs]

I'm so torn up on the inside. We've gone NC from the moment she said it was over 12 days ago, but a huge part of me wishes that she would just give me something (text, e-mail, phone call, etc...) just so I know that she too is thinking about me. I realize that it will probably do more harm than good but I just can't wrap my head around how she just got over me so quickly! We were an integral part of each others lives for over two years! Was I really with someone who's that cold-hearted?

 

I feel like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I hear my phone vibrate my heart skips a beat and I rush to take a look, hoping and praying that it's her! Of course it never is and that feeling of disappointment just crushes me. We used to text one another the entire day when we were together. This is conditioning at its finest.

 

I was with my ex for 6 years, it has been 1.5 months since the BU and it has been no contact since then too because I refuse to bother to reach out (he cheated on me and dumped me for someone else) and he hasn't reached out either... and this is someone I knew for 6 whole years. I wish for him to send me something but at this point I know I'm getting nothing at all. I've even managed to tell myself that I never want to hear from him and will never speak to him again (somedays I'm more convincing than others).

 

Anyway, I think it took me a month to realise that every time my phone lit up, it wasn't him. It was people who actually cared about me; friends and family who truly gave a sh*t and wanted to be there for me during this difficult time.

 

Give yourself time, you've made it 12/13 days now and you will continue to make it day after day. Slowly you'll stop having that hope for her reaching out to you. It really is very unlikely that they'll bother about you when they're happy in their own lives with someone else there in what used to be your place. Pains me to say it even now but thats the sad truth of the matter

 

Post regularly about how you feel if you feel that will help you!

[notsoweepingwillow]

Hey guys. This emotional rollercoaster is really zapping the life out of me. I wake up in the morning feeling down right depressed because I realize I've lost her forever. I begin reminiscing about our wonderful past together and it just eats away at me.

 

I get to work and am fairly busy in the mornings so I forget about her and feel really good about myself. Then as lunchtime approaches I start thinking about the times we had lunch together last summer. It was a daily thing because she was interning close by. And even after her internship ended she would come visit me during lunch since we both enjoyed the time we spent together. Omce I get flooded by these thoughts I tend to lose my appetite and to an extent shutdown.

 

After lunch I have difficulty concentrating at work (I'm a software developer so if I can't focus I'm as good as useless). It's maddening that the quality of my work is suffering. I take so much pride in what I do and the company I work for expects nothing short of exceptional work from me because that's the standard I've set from day one.

 

I push through the rest of the day and then when I walk out of work (this part bugs me the most) I desperately look around hoping that she's outside waiting for me. The whole ride home I scower the subways in search of her. I tell myself to stop and try to distract myself but I just can't control it. A part of me is desperate to see her, while the other half doesn't want anything to do with her again. Obviously nothing but more pain and suffering comes from this.

 

When I finally get home I'm physically and emotionally drained. I usually get on the phone and call my sister. I catch up with her and then ask to speak to my niece and nephew. Hearing their voices cheers me up (kids are always so upbeat and positive, their energy is electronic). They give me a much need boost. Feeding off of their energy I pick myself up and head over to the gym. After a good workout I feel great about myself and really don't think about her for the rest of the night. I say to myself hey I may be getting over the hump finally. Letting go of her and accepting the break up. But then morning comes and I'm back in the dumps.

 

It's a vicious cycle that truly is taking a toll on me. I can't wait for the day where I finally rid my body of the poison she injected into my heart.

[pillowpuffs]

The mornings are absolutely the worst! I can attest to that. I wake up wishing I could go back to sleep for a long, long while. I don't know what to tell you other than we all experience it and to my knowledge, it feels like it's going to last a while.

 

I feel the biggest loss in the morning when I wake up - it's dreadful but I suppose one day we won't feel it as bad and one day it'll be completely gone.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, it may take a long time before you feel okay again. I wish I could sugarcoat it and tell you tomorrow it'll all be better but it really won't. Just don't expect anything and hope for the best!

[Jaay30]

It is crazy that more than half of your post is a reflection of my approach as well. What is consoling is that we aren't alone. I remember my first love, years ago. I had NOTHING and noone but movies to fall back on because I was new to the area. I remember thinking "Man I wish I at least had a friend that was physically near. I had no car because it was on the East Coast. Now, the tables are turned and I have all of the support you mentioned. But I still cant get her out of my mind.

 

Here is the deal, it is where we have to take a step back and be grateful for the resources we have. Just because we have thoughts of them does not mean we have to entertain them. Something I have done that has helped me somewhat, and better than nothing, is that when a thought comes up about her, I make a comeback with something I have despite not being with her anymore.

 

If a thought comes up of "I wonder what she is doing?"

My comeback thought is " What are you doing? Are you being productive?"

 

If a thought comes up of "I wonder if she misses me or even thinks of me?"

My comeback is "You are thinking of her and need to focus on yourself"

 

So little things like that. It is amazing at the coping mechanisms we come up with in order to try to move on. Just remember there is no time limit on when to move on. All of us would rather have it quick. But sadly, it doesn't happen over night :-(

Take care of you

 

Jaay

[notsoweepingwillow]

If a thought comes up of "I wonder what she is doing?"

My comeback thought is " What are you doing? Are you being productive?"

 

If a thought comes up of "I wonder if she misses me or even thinks of me?"

My comeback is "You are thinking of her and need to focus on yourself"

Jaay

 

Wow, I really like that approach! Due to the nature of my work, I tend to talk to myself a lot lol. I'm gonna try to incorporate this whenever the ex creeps her way into my head.

 

Thanks guys!

[notsoweepingwillow]

Gonna be a rough night. I went over to my sisters house after work. We had a great talk. Played with my niece and nephew, had dinner. Everything was great, my ex didn't cross my mind once. That didn't last too long.

 

Ever since I got home I've been feeling so lonely and sad. I'm missing her so badly at the moment. So much so that I started entering her number to send her a text (I deleted her info but still know the number by heart). I dropped my phone and jumped into the shower to help clear my mind.

 

I'm constantly reminiscing about our past. How happy we were. How she was in tears whilst saying our goodbyes prior to my trip to Israel. Ugh!

 

This is so hard! I know I can never take her back but I would do anything to have her back in my life. As confusing as that sounds, that's how I feel. I'm realizing that breaking up with someone you truly love is an amazing form of torture.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm realizing that breaking up with someone you truly love is an amazing form of torture.

 

Awe man, I know what you are going through. The anxiety and panic attacks, it can feel like the entire world is caving in on you. The thoughts that replay constantly in your head can be unbearable. The memories haunt you like a phantom that feeds on your grief and sadness.

 

Don't worry, you'll make it. Just have to do whatever it takes to get through the night. Don't break NC, it's the worst thing you can do. Know you're not alone. I'm in pain too, I've lost my way after my recent breakup, but this forum has put me back on the right track. I know you will make it. Stay strong, believe in yourself.

[notsoweepingwillow]

Awe man, I know what you are going through. The anxiety and panic attacks, it can feel like the entire world is caving in on you. The thoughts that replay constantly in your head can be unbearable. The memories haunt you like a phantom that feeds on your grief and sadness.

 

Don't worry, you'll make it. Just have to do whatever it takes to get through the night. Don't break NC, it's the worst thing you can do. Know you're not alone. I'm in pain too, I've lost my way after my recent breakup, but this forum has put me back on the right track. I know you will make it. Stay strong, believe in yourself.

 

I'll be honest, if it wasn't for the people on this forum I'd probably be sitting outside her door, in tears, begging her to take me back.

 

I can't thank you guys enough for the support and guidance that you all have provided me during this trying time in my life.

[Satu]

 

This is so hard! I know I can never take her back but I would do anything to have her back in my life. As confusing as that sounds, that's how I feel. I'm realizing that breaking up with someone you truly love is an amazing form of torture.

 

You are right in the middle of the worst part of this.

 

Right now its just about enduring what you think you can't endure.

 

Just get through the day.

 

It will get easier.

 

Thats guaranteed.

[Gus Grimly]

Just get through the day.

 

One day at a time. Didn't think I was gonna make it at times. Thank god for NyQuil, melatonin and Celestial Seasonings - Sleepytime tea.

I couldn't sleep for 2 days after my BU I was so distraught. It's embarrassing to admit that. I just knew if I could make it till the next day, I'd be okay. And you will be! Just hang in there.

 

Satu said "endure what you think you can't endure". You do have it within yourself to overcome any obstacle. I believe you can do this. Just grin and bear it, tomorrow is a new day.

[thespacey1]

OP, this is almost month 7 of my BU.

 

I still think of him, but it's JUST starting to get easier to feel sort of normal. One of the previous posters couldn't have said it better. The more you resist the more difficult it becomes.

 

When we first broke up, I started seeing someone a month after our breakup. BIG MISTAKE. I was engaged to my ex. And even though we were only together for 2 yrs we were together every single day and I loved him. And though I chose to leave for my own sanity and well being, I have missed him (maybe just habit) a great deal.

 

I feel like the biggest mistake we make after breakups is trying to make ourselves believe and allowing others to make us believe that if we just "get back out there" and start dating or snap out of it, everything will be aye OK. Sooo, not the case. Our hearts need to go through the process of healing. I'm definitely not an expert, but when it comes to matters of the heart and being an individual each of us is totally different. But...we all deserve to grieve in our own way. If you really cared for your ex, 2 or 3 weeks is not enough time to be OK. I think we set ourselves up when we try convincing ourselves otherwise.

 

Continue to take care of yourself and know that your pain may last longer than a few weeks but it'll get easier each week that you ALLOW yourself to "feel, cry, be angry, etc".

Keep us posted on your progress and be well. ��

Edited July 22, 2015 by thespacey1

[notsoweepingwillow]

Hey guys. After a rough night, I woke up this morning feeling completely overwhelmed. I couldn't get myself out of bed. I had to call in sick because I couldn't go through another day where I wasn't productive at work. I feel so guilty that my personal life is negatively affecting my professional life.

 

I think I've been taking on too much since the breakup in the hopes of not thinking about it too much, but I feel like it was a mistake. I've been suppressing my emotions, bottling it all up inside and now I feel completely overwhelmed.

 

It's been exactly two weeks since the BU and this is the first time I feel like giving up. Don't know what's left to live for now that I've lost the only thing I loved in this world. I'm really hoping having a day to myself where I can reflect on the past and look forward to the future will help alleviate this feeling.

[pillowpuffs]

Do not give up. We have all felt this way at some point. But you will make it through. You will have days again like this, but you will get through it as well.

 

I cannot stress how important it is to take things a step at a time. Do not try to do too much. Surround yourself with family and slowly ease yourself into your daily routine. There are some people who can just throw themselves into doing everything that everyone advises you to do after a breakup and there are some people who simply can't. It will come in waves, the pain and the numbness. You really, really loved this girl. It's going to take time to get over it.

 

Take care of yourself. Spend your day watching TV/movies and with your family.

[notsoweepingwillow]

Here's an interesting development. My sister-in-law just gave me a ring and asked if I'd be interested in going out with a friend of hers.

 

I've sorta been bumming around all day (called in sick to work) and know I'm definitely not ready to date anyone. I don't think I'd be able to connect with anyone at any level at this point. It really wouldn't be fair to the girl since she won't really get to be with the real me.

 

There is however a side of me that doesn't want to miss out on an opportunity of meeting someone that may turn out to be special. Idk what to do? What do you guys think?