I don't get the logic

[geronimo]

So it's been about 8 months since my ex (dated for 5 years) broke up with me. We have been in contact recently and she is still in her new relationship. Long story short, we dated for 5 years were each others first loves, relationship, etc. she said that the reason we broke up was cuz her parents would never accept us therefore we wouldn't have a future, I didn't believe her cuz her bf now was in the picture but they didn't date until a few months after our breakup. She still sticks to her story saying that as much as she loves me and we're compatible she can't do that to her parents cuz they have been through a lot.

 

I just don't get why she is in this relationship, maybe cuz she's weak but idk. She has told me herself that she isn't really happy in it, and she doesn't care much for him cuz she still talks to me and sees me even tho she doesn't like it. She straight up told me that all her friends think that her and I are more compatible than her and her new bf and that she had a lot more of a connection and good time with me vs him. She admits that we were crazy about eachother and that we would talk all the time but her and her bf barely text or see eachother. She even says that she has matured a lot over the last few months and has become more of a gf that I was looking for. She even told me that she still loves me and probably always will but she says there's no way of us being together cuz of her parents and she doesn't want to go down that road again.

 

I can understand the parents part but I just don't get why she is in this relationship if she knows she can do better and that he isn't treating her the way she wants to be treated. It just sucks to know that we have these feelings for eachother and that we make a good couple but just over something as stupid as religion (the best part is, neither one of us are religious either) and her parents not being ok with mine that we have to throw this all away.

[erklat]

 

I just don't get why she is in this relationship, maybe cuz she's weak but idk

 

Because she wants to be in that relationship.

 

Story about parents is guilt relieving bs. If she

convinces herself in that she will not feel guilty

for getting gigs.

[pillowpuffs]

Sorry you're in this position. Religion being an issue, when none of you are religious, is a painful but real reason that keeps people apart. However, I have to say that your ex sounds very very confused. Unfortunately she probably wants to stay with the other guy or maybe she needs some form of a security blanket and that's why she says she loves you but has another boyfriend that she's with.

 

It could even just be the way she's coping with this. I've had friends who have had to break up over religion and some of them find other people quickly because the situation at hand is unfair and they just want to be able to move on.

[geronimo]

Pillowpuffs - I agree with the confused part she does sound very confused lol I just don't get it. Also I think this is just the way she's coping with it, which sucks but idk. She told me that the other day her parents were saying that she needs a guy that would take care of her and treat her like a princess and **** and she just blurted out that I did that and said it was just awkward silence in the car after that.

 

I also thought at one point she was using the parents thing as an excuse but I do see that it is real because at the point of our breakup I did talk to her parents and they really didn't seem ok with it. They were ok with our relationship cuz we were young but because it was getting serious and we are getting older they were giving her more ****. It just sucks I keep wishing that maybe some how one day our parents will realize that religion doesn't matter in this day and age but reality is it might not change, I have to give it to her for being strong enough to break up, but lol that just makes me love her even more that she was able to do that for her parents.

[pillowpuffs]

I guess she's confused because this wasn't really her choice either. If religion wasn't an issue, she wouldn't have chosen this maybe? I think a lot of people here would disagree with me but I really do understand how religion can be a contentious issue that breaks people up.

 

Anyway, do you meet her regularly? I would suggest that maybe you should stop because I can only see this hurting you further. It would honestly be a miracle if religion didn't matter to both of your parents one day and I don't think miracles happen.. Sorry.

[geronimo]

Yea I agree. I'm glad you understand, and if I were to tell u the two religions we are you would understand cuz there's a lot of history there. It's just stupid tho cuz I know a lot of couples that make it work and end up getting married, etc but at the same time I also know a lot that have to break up cuz of it.

 

Her and I don't see eachother that often, we were in full NC for about 6 months and then have seen eachother about 3-4 times ever since. I know miracles don't happen but I'm just praying some how something will work but God knows, i guess we just have to let this play its course and see where it goes.

 

I wish I could do something to get her back.

[pillowpuffs]

I think I have a feeling I know which religions you are talking about. And yes, some couples do make it work. But they face a lot of backlash from their families. I've been around that and seen that. I wish she'd stayed and fought for you but sometimes parental pressure can be overwhelming and I have seen friends who have the deepest love for another individual having to give it all up because it would just hurt their families too much.

 

I genuinely pray and hope for you too. Keep us updated. And stay strong ok?

[geronimo]

We're both Indian lol that should give you a pretty good hint. I agree I think it was very overwhelming for her, and she has had some personal issues too which just makes everything a lot worse and harder.

 

Anyways thank you for the well wishes, I guess we just gotta leave it up to fate and time to see what happens. I wish u all the best with everything as well, thanks for the comments they really helped!

[mimiMobile]

New relationship might be a security blanket. A lot of people don't like being alone, so they keep their eyes peeled for the next better thing and then jump ship. Maybe for the moment, you are the better option but since she's been there, done that, it's just a soothing and familiar comfort for her.

 

I would yank that comfort from her, if I were you. Meaning, remove yourself from her life entirely and observe, while moving on. She'll feel you missing and will either freak out and chase you (which is what a lot of us do when something gets taken away) or resort to comforts of her current relationship until something else comes along.

[geronimo]

New relationship might be a security blanket. A lot of people don't like being alone, so they keep their eyes peeled for the next better thing and then jump ship. Maybe for the moment, you are the better option but since she's been there, done that, it's just a soothing and familiar comfort for her.

 

I would yank that comfort from her, if I were you. Meaning, remove yourself from her life entirely and observe, while moving on. She'll feel you missing and will either freak out and chase you (which is what a lot of us do when something gets taken away) or resort to comforts of her current relationship until something else comes along.

 

You may be right, and I did want to remove myself from her life completely and see what happens, only problem with that is, she is a very stubborn and prideful person so I think she would be the type to stick with her current relationship but I can't be sure of that. Anyways I can't cut her off right now because she is going through some health issues and i promised her i would be there for her through the surgeries (i know i have no obligation to as we are no longer in a relationship, but I can't do that to her)

[pillowpuffs]

We're both Indian lol that should give you a pretty good hint. I agree I think it was very overwhelming for her, and she has had some personal issues too which just makes everything a lot worse and harder.

 

Anyways thank you for the well wishes, I guess we just gotta leave it up to fate and time to see what happens. I wish u all the best with everything as well, thanks for the comments they really helped!

 

Ahh I see that does explain a lot. Honestly it happens so much in the Indian community. People break up because of religious differences. But where I come from, Indian people are starting to be a little bit more open minded and realising that sometimes their children's happiness comes before everything else. Times are changing!! And hopefully they do for you. But... I don't want to give you too much hope. I've gone through a tough time myself recently and having a little bit of hope has been quite destructive honestly so just take everything a step at a time. It's sweet that you're going to be there for her through her medical issues, I just hope she knows not to take advantage of you.

[Seeker12]

Hey geronimo, similar situation to mine, im also ethnically from the IndoPak area, BUT religion wasnt the problem, it was culture and familial choices. That was close to a year ago, then she moved on because she wanted to get married etc etc found another guy, said i would have always been the one she wanted to marry etc etc i was in contact for around 3 months after the break up, at that point i royally freaked out emotionally.

 

My point being is that you DONT want to stay in contact, it will always ever lead to pain further down the line. I have watched my ex fall for someone whilst speaking to me etc etc and it really isnt pleasant, i have been 7 months into my moving on phase and feeling alot better.

 

Point number 2 is you have to live your life now, she isnt coming back, there are clear reasons why she cant come back, and by now she probably has made the decision not to come back and find something else. This doesnt mean she doesnt/didnt love you, its just the fact that she moved on.

 

One thing to remember is that my ex, well she doesnt like being alone so finding someone else was very important to her, maybe the same for your ex, but dont bag on any hope for her coming back, there are reasons why she cant unfortunately. Familiarity goes a long way, and in your situation i can see how, because she knows youll be there for her, she will feel more comfortable with how things are now, without needing to take them to the next level, dont be her friend.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Seeker12

[Ariess10]

Let me tell you , parents have a huge part if that person lets them, I am 32 and just getting out of a 3 year because her mom controlled everything .. It's not fun to have to walk away because of that .. Horrible that mothers or dads to that .. It's not fun at all

[mightycpa]

What it all boils down to, geronimo, is that your GF was finally faced with a choice:

 

 

• Unhappy parents/family
  
• Unhappy ex-bf
  

and she made her choice, and you didn't win. However much she loved you, it wasn't enough to overcome the respect/love she has for her parents. You came in second.

 

One day, when they've left this earth, she's going to have to live with whatever resulted from her choice, and well, that's life.

 

You should probably hope that she only dates douchebags, because that way, maybe you won't look so bad in retrospect. But more likely, you should recognize that you were not the most important thing to her, and that you were passed over in favor of something else. Like it or not, that is your situation, and you need to come to terms with it.

[Ariess10]

What it all boils down to, geronimo, is that your GF was finally faced with a choice:

 

 

• Unhappy parents/family
  
• Unhappy ex-bf
  

and she made her choice, and you didn't win. However much she loved you, it wasn't enough to overcome the respect/love she has for her parents. You came in second.

 

One day, when they've left this earth, she's going to have to live with whatever resulted from her choice, and well, that's life.

 

You should probably hope that she only dates douchebags, because that way, maybe you won't look so bad in retrospect. But more likely, you should recognize that you were not the most important thing to her, and that you were passed over in favor of something else. Like it or not, that is your situation, and you need to come to terms with it.

. Man this is so my situation it's not even funny, my ex wasn't strong enough

[Seeker12]

What it all boils down to, geronimo, is that your GF was finally faced with a choice:

 

 

• Unhappy parents/family
  
• Unhappy ex-bf
  

and she made her choice, and you didn't win. However much she loved you, it wasn't enough to overcome the respect/love she has for her parents. You came in second.

 

One day, when they've left this earth, she's going to have to live with whatever resulted from her choice, and well, that's life.

 

You should probably hope that she only dates douchebags, because that way, maybe you won't look so bad in retrospect. But more likely, you should recognize that you were not the most important thing to her, and that you were passed over in favor of something else. Like it or not, that is your situation, and you need to come to terms with it.

 

I faced the same predicament with my ex and her family. First of all its not about who comes first or second, who falls into the tier of importance, neither is it about how much love one has for the other, but yes it is about living and accepting the decision.

 

The parents, especially in some religions play a massive role, and in marriage have to give their blessings for the acceptance of that marriage. Similarly, with my exes situation, pulling my family into that situation, after hers had already said no, would ultimately, get my family mixed into it and create more problems which id have to deal with, and ultimately we would still face a no. You can also fight for it, which will make the situation between you and her parents bad, her relationship with her family bad, which may also have a negative effect on the relationship between you two aswell, and youll go through some crazy days just with the hope for a glimpse of it working out.

 

Finally, IF it doesnt work out youll probably wonder why you wasted your time, IF it does work out, you will be faced with the lack of acceptance by her family and possibly consistent negative involvement in your marriage by her parents (mainly the mother). Plus the mopping up youll have to do of all the fighting you went through.

 

I have seen situations where its worked out, but what outweights it the most is situations where it doesnt work out.

[DK666]

. Man this is so my situation it's not even funny, my ex wasn't strong enough

 

I seem to be finding you in threads a fair bit recently Ariess10 lol. This was definitely a factor in my breakup too, her family (especially her youngest sister, who rules the roost) didn't like me at all as they thought I was stealing her away from them. Nothing really to be done in this situation.

[geronimo]

I just wanted to update, sorry I haven't replied as I was travelling.

 

I know parents have a big influence and it's not really about who comes first or second but the truth of the matter is that yea she chose her parents over me and who knows maybe it is even choosing this guy over me but I don't know.

 

She keeps telling me that I treated her a lot better and how crazy in love we were especially in the beginning of our relationship and that her and this guy are already getting into fights and ****. She also says the tables have turned cuz I used to pay all the time for her and everything and now she has to do that for this guy cuz he has no money.

 

I just don't get why she would be in this relationship if it's not even serving her properly, she keeps contradicting herself saying that it is a good relationship and they have fun when they're together but usually problems arise when they're not cuz he barely talks to her and he has done some things she isn't ok with but she seems too weak to break up with him for whatever reason.

 

Anyways I couldn't take her bs anymore so after talking to her for a bit I told her that I don't want to talk to her anymore cuz 1 she has a bf and is talking to her ex of 5 years which I wouldn't be ok with if I were in a rs and 2 I told her straight up we will never be friends so there's no point of this. Been in NC for about a week but we added each other back on social media. Let's see what happens I'm no longer willing to start talking unless she is clear about getting back together and honestly at this point I don't even think I want her back anymore.

[casey.lives]

don't be confused, it's just another way of saying you're not the one. blah blah blah.. is just the excuse. forget about her situation .. her new relationship is not your business. move on.