Guilty and conflicted

[Conflicted12]

Hi.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years one week ago.

We had been living together for one year.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and the guilt I am finding very tough.

 

My reason for ending the relationship was the age difference between us. She is 36 and I am 30. It had been playing on my mind for months, it bothered me a great deal for 2 reasons 1. I was beginning to lose attraction to her and 2. She wanted to start a family now whereas I am not ready yet.

 

This sounds fine however the problem is she is the kindest, most warm hearted person I have ever met. We never argued and truly were like soul mates. Everything about her was/is perfect except for the reason I gave above.

 

I have moved out of our house together since.

 

She keeps sending me friendly texts emails etc and obviously wants me back. Largely I have thus far managed to ignore these, but this has been so so tough.

 

Any advice/past experiences any one can offer I would appreciate it.

I am so conflicted.

Thanks

[Jemay]

I was beginning to lose attraction to her

 

That right there is not a good sign in a relationship that early on and plenty reason to break things off. I'm sure she is a lovely person, and sounds like you really cared about her but why be with her if you are not attracted?! Since it has been so long since you have been broken up, maybe you can pursue a friendship? Just because she emails you doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back. I've emailed ex's because I genuinely care about them but I certainly don't want them back. Once a woman is over a guy she's usually over them.

[DaisyBug]

The fact that you can't stay attracted to a wonderful woman just because she may have aged a bit says a lot about you. Glad you set her free.

 

Interesting that you list your loss of physical attraction first. You are not far from the age where your hair will start to thin, and there'll be shallow women who'll pass over you for this. What comes around goes around.

[Jemay]

Sorry, I read your post wrong but it wouldn't let me edit above, so replying again...

 

Both reasons you listed, decreasing attraction and the fact you are not ready to settle down and have a family are very valid reasons to end a relationship. I don't think you should feel guilty. This is your life, and if you felt the need to end things with her, despite her being a great person, that is totally okay. It's always hard to end a relationship. Don't add the guilt. We all have our inner voice and often we ignore it, sounds like you listened to it, and although right now things are hard, in the end it will be the best, for her too as she deserves a man who is attracted to her.

[ravfour4]

sounds like daisy may have had a bitter interaction with someone falling out of love with someone because they're older, I didn't even necessarily get that from OPs first post - were you saying you weren't attracted to her because she was getting older? Or just because you no longer found her attractive period probably because other aspects of the relationship were bad?

 

Sounds like you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad.

[lovinDKT3]

You didn't lose sexual attraction because she is 36, its because she wants a family.

 

Maybe the guilt is because you got scared. Look you dont need a reason to end a relationship that makes sense to anyone else but you. The best thing you can do it br honest with her as to why you ended it.

[Popsicle]

I guess just 2 years ago when she was 34 she told you she didn't want a family?

[DaisyBug]

sounds like daisy may have had a bitter interaction with someone falling out of love with someone because they're older, I didn't even necessarily get that from OPs first post - were you saying you weren't attracted to her because she was getting older?.

 

The OP said it was the age difference that bothered him a great deal, for those 2 reasons, attraction (lack of) being the first. Otherwise, they were like soulmates and she was the kindest person he'd ever met. How can anyone let someone like this go? The kids part I can understand, but why even mention the other? It sounds so shallow. If I could find a man like this, I wouldn't care if he were no longer "physically hot" to me and dump him. It upsets me because I hear this over and over, and as someone looking for Mr. Right, it's depressing as hell because we ALL age, and it's no fair when "for better or for worse" really means "until you're no longer hot." We live in such a throw-away society, it's disgusting.

Edited July 6, 2015 by DaisyBug

[Conflicted12]

DaisyBug

This is exactly why I joined this site, to try get some perspective from different view points .

I find your response very one sided and perhaps even a tad aggressive.

I am giving honest reasons of how I feel.

 

You seem to think the family part of it is ok, but the other is disgusting?

You think it is disgusting to want to feel sexually attracted to your partner/gf/wife.

Are you for real?

Because looks/attractiveness are not on your radar does not make them non important for other people and certainly does not make you right.

 

Are you capable of looking at these sort of situations from other viewpoints ie a 30 year old man, and not just cry shallow horrid person. If you cannot I suggest you stop demeaning people so quickly on these forums and perhaps stop posting altogether.

 

The truth is in my mind in a few short years my ex will be 40 and I 34. With the biological clock ticking I guess my gut tells me to screw the strong feelings and bond we had together as the timing as all wrong with regards to starting a family etc. And yes physically I see her age when I look at her. Call this shallow if you like. I call it being honest.

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure I follow the guilt part of your post. What exactly is it that you feel guilty about? That you hurt her?

 

And what exactly is the conflicted part? I knew girls that were perfect on paper too, we had great relationships, but I didn't love them, who knows why? So while I missed them when I left, that did not change my resolve. I've never left someone I loved, so I'm guessing maybe that's a possibility.

 

Can you drill down a little on exactly what is bothering you?

[Conflicted12]

Guilty that I hurt her yes. More destroyed her according to my sister's who are still in contact with her.

Guilty that I've left her in our home probably crying on her own every night.

Well yes I do love her. Very much. And I've left her. I guess the sudden nature in which I did this is part of it. Didn't give her many clues along the way that I wanted to end it. Then just told her and moved out the next day.

I guess it's the first time I've truly "broken someone's heart"

 

My conflict is whether to move on or give it another shot because she's the perfect girl for me bar the reasons I mentioned above. Is it a price worth paying if your not attracted to your partner any longer to grin and bear it if you know she's good for you in every way (thus the sole mates comment)

 

The connection she has with my family makes it difficult too. They are truly taken with her and her them. Guess this just adds to it all.

 

She has sent me several messages which I have ignored because I don't want to give her mixed messages. Breakups are not meant to be easy, I guess I want someone out there to validate my approach to make me feel some sort of justification/relief.

[mightycpa]

Guilty that I hurt her yes. More destroyed her according to my sister's who are still in contact with her.

Guilty that I've left her in our home probably crying on her own every night.

Well yes I do love her. Very much. And I've left her. I guess the sudden nature in which I did this is part of it. Didn't give her many clues along the way that I wanted to end it. Then just told her and moved out the next day.

I guess it's the first time I've truly "broken someone's heart"

 

My conflict is whether to move on or give it another shot because she's the perfect girl for me bar the reasons I mentioned above. Is it a price worth paying if your not attracted to your partner any longer to grin and bear it if you know she's good for you in every way (thus the sole mates comment)

 

The connection she has with my family makes it difficult too. They are truly taken with her and her them. Guess this just adds to it all.

 

She has sent me several messages which I have ignored because I don't want to give her mixed messages. Breakups are not meant to be easy, I guess I want someone out there to validate my approach to make me feel some sort of justification/relief.

OK, I think I understand better now.

 

First, hurt is generally inevitable, right? Unless you're dumping someone who doesn't like you, then that person will be hurt, even if you did it right. That is beyond your control, so guilt is really unnecessary. I think it is perfectly appropriate to feel pity for her, but unless you went out of your way to make her feel bad, then guilt is the wrong emotion, unless you think you've done something wrong.

 

Which brings me to your reasons. Ultimately, I'm a big believer in the idea that the only person your reasons have to make sense to is you. Even if the reason is because her eyes are the wrong shade of blue, you're the one who has to live with looking at those eyes, and if that turns you off, then who are we to say that you're wrong. You know what's important to you, and it doesn't need to be important to us.

 

That said, I want you to realize an immutable truth about looks. They fade, sooner or later. I don't care who you're with, they're going to fade. If you can't live with that, they you'd better plan on being alone your whole life, because that simply will not change from one person to the next, and that's ok if that's who you are. On the other hand, if the change in her appearance is cluing you in to the idea that maybe you don't really love her as much as you think you do, then the looks are merely a barometer to measure your true feelings. We don't know. Only you can know that, and you'll know if my words seem to ring a bell in your thoughts.

[Conflicted12]

Ok. Appreciate the insight.

[DaisyBug]

I can only hope you mature a lot more before you ever decide to get married, and be honest with women upfront before you begin a relationship so they're not fooled into thinking you're in it for the long haul. This good lady apparently considered you as the potential father of her children, so she must have really loved you very, very much. I feel bad for the poor girl, but at least now she's free to find someone who has the capacity to love her back as she deserves.

 

If I have said something offensive, I apologize, but you clearly can't take your own medicine if you're offended that I point out your own inevitable aging process when you're online bemoaning hers. The male view of women and what we're good for infuriates a lot of us. That our worth is tied to our appearance, and once that starts to slip, we're discarded, even if she has a heart of gold.

 

The problem is not that you should stay with someone whom you no longer find attractive, but that you're so consumed with your own self-gratification that you can't look past a surface sag or a wrinkle to see someone's inner beauty - something this woman apparently had in spades. You're confusing attraction with infatuation, the latter always being temporary. A mature love appreciates and is attracted to the WHOLE person, and grows over time. And, yes, you're STILL able to pop a boner with her...even after you find a flaw!

 

Your last post about her makes me feel even worse. Sorry, but yes, if you have any decency in you, you SHOULD feel like a heel! Trust me, one day, you'll be crying in your beer over her and wishing you hadn't let her go.

Edited July 7, 2015 by DaisyBug

[Conflicted12]

Appreciate you taking time to express your opinion.

I agree with some of what you say.

Whilst I believe neither of us for quite a while will be ready to move on to another relationship, I've come to the conclusion that this is inevitable.

It will kill me to discover she has found someone else, I will only pray he is half as decent as she and treats her well.

I truly want her to be happy.

Time will tell for both of us I guess.

Thanks.

Bye

[DaisyBug]

I'm glad you are wishing her well and do seem to realize you lost a good thing. I'm not just trying to make you feel bad, but as a woman I sympathize with her, esp since I am currently single and trying to find someone to last the rest of my life. It sounds like that's what she was looking for, too, and I am afraid of exactly the same thing she just went thru. Scares the crap out of me. Again, if I was forceful with my opinion, it's not so much directed at you alone but so many of the other men who have said similar things - their wife had a baby, is now 15 lbs overweight and totally turned off and disgusted by her, that type of thing. It's very, very depressing.

 

Thank you for the reply and for at least considering what I've said, looking past the emotion of it. I sincerely wish you better luck next time.