Boyfriend of a year ending it because of uncertainty

[SummerSkies]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend, who I was in a serious relationship with, ended things yesterday. We were together for a year.

 

We're actually semi-long distance -- he's about a three hour drive away, and we have visited nearly every weekend (for the full weekend) since we met. We've been around each other's families, multiple times. It was a healthy, loving relationship and we had the same values. We met on a dating website, so with such profiles, knew and discussed right after the "big" things that are important in a relationship. Dating found us compatible. It's the best relationship I've been in, and I never knew someone could treat me so well. We've had our disagreements, but no true big fights as we communicate before it gets to that point. I've been happy, and he had said he was too.

 

However, he has reservations and doubts that began rearing their heads in recent weeks. After a year of dating, he still hasn't said he loves me. I admit, when we got to the nine month mark, I began to worry but kept it to myself. But I decided to be patient and trust that if it was to be, we would get there.

 

Last weekend he instigated a talk and he expressed his reservations and that he had started considering ending our relationship. He said he was confused, and wasn't sure he could give me what I want and deserve. He used the word "fearful" while describing this situation. Through that conversation, he knows I do love him, but I didn't say it. The next day I had asked him if I told him I loved him, would that be ok, because I just wanted to express it and wasn't having expectations of him saying it back just yet. He said it would make him feel too awkward and guilty.

 

And yesterday a conversation on the phone brought us to where we are now, with him thinking that, while he doesn't "want" to end us and can't imagine me not in his life, that he feels it's the "right thing to do" for him to not be in a relationship. He feels guilty, it seems, for not being at a certain point yet.

 

I should note he is twice divorced. We are in our (very) early 30s. His last ex wife, who he left three years ago after she cheated an from the history he's told me, was a piece of work (my words) and said it was a mistake that never should have happened. And it was a very bad relationship that I know has affected him (she also essentially harassed and stalked him in his new city even a year after they were over). They still own a house together which he has been paying on and is trying to get rid of ever since they separated. Several months ago, while we were having one of those late night heart to heart talks couples often do, I explicitly remember him telling me he was worried he would make a mistake again and rush things. Also, I've checked and he says he doesn't have feelings for his ex wives, and I never got the feeling he did.

 

From what I gather, he's not sure that if he doesn't feel certain things or a desire for stronger commitment by now, if he will ever. And he said another part of it is, he is starting to think he shouldn't be in any relationship right now, at all. So he can deal with things. What those things are, I don't really understand yet. I think he feels like something's wrong with him, and he's said if he doesn't feel that way about me, then he doubts he can with anyone (he said I've been great and I'm dear to him). He's questioned whether he's even really loved his ex wives (said it may have just been infatuation. For both, they got married fast. First one lasted five years, married very young. Second one was a drama fest, to put it nicely, and lasted a total of like a couple of years from meeting to divorce).

 

I truly believe he is genuine with what he's telling me. I did ask if maybe there was someone else or if he's just lost interest, and he said no to both. When I asked if he wanted to end us, he said it "wasn't a matter of wanting to."

 

As a long distance couple, we had talked in the past about how to be closer distance wise (we became exclusive like two weeks after we first met), we talked about how to be closer distance-wise. I was still completing a degree in my current town when we met and only finished this past May. Before meeting him, I had planned on moving away from here not too long after that point. So we discussed that if things progressed in our relationship, I was willing to look for jobs in his city (I liked it, still do). After I completed the degree, it seems that's when he started to appear to feel more "pressured" about us. Though I didn't think I was pressuring him. I was looking for jobs there, and he told me he was worried about the expectations I'd have with me moving there. I just wanted us, for now, to be closer so we can more conventionally date and naturally progress, if that's what happened. But I cut back on talking about moving there, though I kept applying to jobs on the internet to see if I at least got any hits for interviews.

 

I guess I thought we were on the same page, but obviously we're not. I'm sure of what I want and us, but he's not.

 

Thoughts? Advice? I'm not angry with him, just really sad. I thought he would be "the one." I still don't completely understand what's going on with him. I hate for us to be over because of cold feet or any self imposed "shoulds" he may be putting on our relationship.

 

We're supposed to meet this weekend to exchange belongings and say a proper 'good bye' (he didn't want to even talk about this stuff on the phone, but I didn't want to be left hanging so kind of pushed him to tell me. When talking last night on the phone, I talked about how I was worried about his doubts, and my feelings on it, and how it was making me start to doubt (regret this now). And that led to us getting to the point where he thinks the relationship needs to end. I was taken aback -- I wasn't talking about breaking up, and said so. Last week he said he didn't want to end it, and listed all the ways I make him happy).

 

Like I said, things had been going great. And he's generally a content, well-balanced man and has good relationships with his family, too.

Edited July 4, 2015 by SummerSkies

[d0nnivain]

Let him go. A year in a twice divorced man in his 30s who has reservations & can't say I love you should be trusted to know that it's time for him to walk away.

 

 

Take from this that you at least now know some of what it feels like to be treated well. Imagine how much better the next one will be when he can say ILY.

[SummerSkies]

Let him go. A year in a twice divorced man in his 30s who has reservations & can't say I love you should be trusted to know that it's time for him to walk away.

 

 

Take from this that you at least now know some of what it feels like to be treated well. Imagine how much better the next one will be when he can say ILY.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm one of those who tends to overthink when trying to figure out where things went wrong. But it's his issue, not mine -- it's not like the relationship fell apart or I did something "wrong." So the best thing is to let him go since he wants to go, and not analyze things to death.

 

This is seriously the first time I'm dealing with this kind of situation -- this being a relationship that hadn't "gone bad" and where the guy, or even myself, were being jerks or ended up disliking each other and are left mad.

 

Think I'm still kind of shell shocked though.

[SummerSkies]

He is supposed to be coming up here today, and at my insistence, we'll meet in a public place like a park. I almost feel like I want a few days to process this break, though. Perhaps he can come up on Monday (both taking off work for the July 4th holiday on that day). It just feels so rushed. Or perhaps it's better to get this over with. Either way, we will see each other in person, as neither wants to end things to be officially over through a cell phone conversation.

 

Any opinions on waiting a couple days to exchange belongings and air out last thoughts? If we do that, in the meantime, I won't be contacting him of course.

[SummerSkies]

Thought I'd update that we won't be meeting until Monday. During our brief phone call, I had asked a question (don't even remember it now, was feeling upset) that prompted him to say: he doesn't feel as if he can get to the point where he can reciprocate my feelings (love). This had been on his mind and he made the decision to end it pretty much last night. And from what I gather, me looking to move there this soon made the doubt and fear worse. But I had thought we were on the same page -- that he was good on me moving there, like we had planned months before. He's made his decision though.

[Confused602]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend, who I was in a serious relationship with, ended things yesterday. We were together for a year.

 

We're actually semi-long distance -- he's about a three hour drive away, and we have visited nearly every weekend (for the full weekend) since we met. We've been around each other's families, multiple times. It was a healthy, loving relationship and we had the same values. We met on a dating website, so with such profiles, knew and discussed right after the "big" things that are important in a relationship. Dating found us compatible. It's the best relationship I've been in, and I never knew someone could treat me so well. We've had our disagreements, but no true big fights as we communicate before it gets to that point. I've been happy, and he had said he was too.

 

However, he has reservations and doubts that began rearing their heads in recent weeks. After a year of dating, he still hasn't said he loves me. I admit, when we got to the nine month mark, I began to worry but kept it to myself. But I decided to be patient and trust that if it was to be, we would get there.

 

Last weekend he instigated a talk and he expressed his reservations and that he had started considering ending our relationship. He said he was confused, and wasn't sure he could give me what I want and deserve. He used the word "fearful" while describing this situation. Through that conversation, he knows I do love him, but I didn't say it. The next day I had asked him if I told him I loved him, would that be ok, because I just wanted to express it and wasn't having expectations of him saying it back just yet. He said it would make him feel too awkward and guilty.

 

And yesterday a conversation on the phone brought us to where we are now, with him thinking that, while he doesn't "want" to end us and can't imagine me not in his life, that he feels it's the "right thing to do" for him to not be in a relationship. He feels guilty, it seems, for not being at a certain point yet.

 

I should note he is twice divorced. We are in our (very) early 30s. His last ex wife, who he left three years ago after she cheated an from the history he's told me, was a piece of work (my words) and said it was a mistake that never should have happened. And it was a very bad relationship that I know has affected him (she also essentially harassed and stalked him in his new city even a year after they were over). They still own a house together which he has been paying on and is trying to get rid of ever since they separated. Several months ago, while we were having one of those late night heart to heart talks couples often do, I explicitly remember him telling me he was worried he would make a mistake again and rush things. Also, I've checked and he says he doesn't have feelings for his ex wives, and I never got the feeling he did.

 

From what I gather, he's not sure that if he doesn't feel certain things or a desire for stronger commitment by now, if he will ever. And he said another part of it is, he is starting to think he shouldn't be in any relationship right now, at all. So he can deal with things. What those things are, I don't really understand yet. I think he feels like something's wrong with him, and he's said if he doesn't feel that way about me, then he doubts he can with anyone (he said I've been great and I'm dear to him). He's questioned whether he's even really loved his ex wives (said it may have just been infatuation. For both, they got married fast. First one lasted five years, married very young. Second one was a drama fest, to put it nicely, and lasted a total of like a couple of years from meeting to divorce).

 

I truly believe he is genuine with what he's telling me. I did ask if maybe there was someone else or if he's just lost interest, and he said no to both. When I asked if he wanted to end us, he said it "wasn't a matter of wanting to."

 

As a long distance couple, we had talked in the past about how to be closer distance wise (we became exclusive like two weeks after we first met), we talked about how to be closer distance-wise. I was still completing a degree in my current town when we met and only finished this past May. Before meeting him, I had planned on moving away from here not too long after that point. So we discussed that if things progressed in our relationship, I was willing to look for jobs in his city (I liked it, still do). After I completed the degree, it seems that's when he started to appear to feel more "pressured" about us. Though I didn't think I was pressuring him. I was looking for jobs there, and he told me he was worried about the expectations I'd have with me moving there. I just wanted us, for now, to be closer so we can more conventionally date and naturally progress, if that's what happened. But I cut back on talking about moving there, though I kept applying to jobs on the internet to see if I at least got any hits for interviews.

 

I guess I thought we were on the same page, but obviously we're not. I'm sure of what I want and us, but he's not.

 

Thoughts? Advice? I'm not angry with him, just really sad. I thought he would be "the one." I still don't completely understand what's going on with him. I hate for us to be over because of cold feet or any self imposed "shoulds" he may be putting on our relationship.

 

We're supposed to meet this weekend to exchange belongings and say a proper 'good bye' (he didn't want to even talk about this stuff on the phone, but I didn't want to be left hanging so kind of pushed him to tell me. When talking last night on the phone, I talked about how I was worried about his doubts, and my feelings on it, and how it was making me start to doubt (regret this now). And that led to us getting to the point where he thinks the relationship needs to end. I was taken aback -- I wasn't talking about breaking up, and said so. Last week he said he didn't want to end it, and listed all the ways I make him happy).

 

Like I said, things had been going great. And he's generally a content, well-balanced man and has good relationships with his family, too.

 

I'm going through almost the exact same thing with my boyfriend as you are. Except my boyfriend has never been married, but was in a toxic long term relationship with someone years before me where they moved in too quick and moved fast. I asked my bf about moving in last month and he said he wanted me to live on my own because I have never lived out of my parents house. A little over a week ago, my bf issued a break for our relationship, saying that he didn't want to end things but had issues with commitment due to what he went through in the past, and that he wanted to figure out what he really wants. He said that if we were gonna continue the relationship, he wanted to be able to be all in 100%. We had been dating a year and half and never told one another loved each othe, so I said it when he brought on the break. We both cried and held each other, him saying that he loved me too. Ever since, we have not spoken but I'm trying to give him space and focus on myself.

 

All I can tell you is that it is nothing about you, and that their issues are something they need time to deal with. Although we didn't break up (feels like it though), I completely understand your pain and what you are going through. Just be easy on yourself and try your best to live your life. I can imagine that your bf doesn't like that he has these feelings of doubt and that it scares him to think he may never be able to open up again. Just let him be, end it with grace, and live life. Maybe one day he will be open again, but right now you need to take care of you. I wish you the best.

[SummerSkies]

I'm going through almost the exact same thing with my boyfriend as you are. Except my boyfriend has never been married, but was in a toxic long term relationship with someone years before me where they moved in too quick and moved fast. I asked my bf about moving in last month and he said he wanted me to live on my own because I have never lived out of my parents house. A little over a week ago, my bf issued a break for our relationship, saying that he didn't want to end things but had issues with commitment due to what he went through in the past, and that he wanted to figure out what he really wants. He said that if we were gonna continue the relationship, he wanted to be able to be all in 100%. We had been dating a year and half and never told one another loved each othe, so I said it when he brought on the break. We both cried and held each other, him saying that he loved me too. Ever since, we have not spoken but I'm trying to give him space and focus on myself.

 

All I can tell you is that it is nothing about you, and that their issues are something they need time to deal with. Although we didn't break up (feels like it though), I completely understand your pain and what you are going through. Just be easy on yourself and try your best to live your life. I can imagine that your bf doesn't like that he has these feelings of doubt and that it scares him to think he may never be able to open up again. Just let him be, end it with grace, and live life. Maybe one day he will be open again, but right now you need to take care of you. I wish you the best.

 

Thanks. I hate that you're in pain, but it's comforting to know someone else is going through a similar situation. And you're right, it's their issues to deal with. Best we can do is accept it and heal.

 

What you said about betting he doesn't like the feelings of doubt, etc., I think you're right on that.

 

Since everything transpired over the phone, part of me wants to make this a clean break and not meet up with him just to give me that extra day or two of being alone and not making it harder by seeing him. But I'll most likely see him.

[mightycpa]

Twice divorced, he's not a fan of pain, so he's letting you down easy, probably reacting to one of the ways he was dumped. He's telling you he's done, but he doesn't know how to say it, which means he's still got some unresolved stuff going on, in my opinion.

[SummerSkies]

Twice divorced, he's not a fan of pain, so he's letting you down easy, probably reacting to one of the ways he was dumped. He's telling you he's done, but he doesn't know how to say it, which means he's still got some unresolved stuff going on, in my opinion.

 

Thanks for your input, seems valid. Ugh, I hate waking up sad and thinking about him. Burst into tears because I don't want to let him go. Here's to hoping I can work through this in stride.

[Meli22]

It sounds as though he has some kind of barrier up that stops him from putting his heart 100% into a relationship. Maybe it's because of his divorces or maybe that's just how he is. The fact he has never said he loves you after a year is an alarm bell. One person usually says it first but it's usually said back at that point. I understand some people need longer to be sure but to me it sounds like he knows he can't give you the same back, and he's telling you that. I've heard of this happening after people being married for years so if there's a plus side, you're getting out before it reaches that stage. Also, don't take this personally. It's pretty much all him, there's something unresolved on his part that he needs to figure out. I've been there with my ex who started having doubts after 18 months. He was madly in love with me at some point and always told me so I don't doubt he ever did, but sometimes people change. He told me he was afraid this would happen with every girl too so I knew it wasn't me, it was him. Just look after yourself from now on , and someone who CAN give you the same back will soon be along

[SummerSkies]

It sounds as though he has some kind of barrier up that stops him from putting his heart 100% into a relationship. Maybe it's because of his divorces or maybe that's just how he is. The fact he has never said he loves you after a year is an alarm bell. One person usually says it first but it's usually said back at that point. I understand some people need longer to be sure but to me it sounds like he knows he can't give you the same back, and he's telling you that. I've heard of this happening after people being married for years so if there's a plus side, you're getting out before it reaches that stage. Also, don't take this personally. It's pretty much all him, there's something unresolved on his part that he needs to figure out. I've been there with my ex who started having doubts after 18 months. He was madly in love with me at some point and always told me so I don't doubt he ever did, but sometimes people change. He told me he was afraid this would happen with every girl too so I knew it wasn't me, it was him. Just look after yourself from now on , and someone who CAN give you the same back will soon be along

 

Thank you. I do feel like there is probably some barrier.

 

He came over today. We exchanged items and he stayed a little bit. While he was here, I asked if maybe his feelings are telling him that I'm not "the one" and he said that he doesn't think it's that, and that maybe there isn't any way for him to feel anyone can be "the one" due to whatever is holding him back. I said we had been on the same page for such a long time, had expressed the same level of commitment and everything, and had I known he felt this way, I wouldn't had talked about moving to his city, etc. I also asked when it was he started having these nagging doubts, whether it was around when I finished school. He said it was just in the last couple months and thinks it was around when I graduated. He said it felt like something has been tearing him up inside, telling him he needs to not be in a relationship and can't give me what I should have. Some other words were said too.

 

Him coming over was awkward only for a minute until he hugged me almost right after he arrived. We cried, hugged a couple times and exchanged a couple kisses right before he left. Feels awful and I'm very sad.

Edited July 6, 2015 by SummerSkies
For clarity

[SummerSkies]

It's been almost two weeks since he left me. I made the decision to reactivate my online dating profile and see if he may be on there. I thought if I saw he did, it would help shatter any possible illusions I still have about us reconciling. Well, he is. I saw it on there, and visited, and he will see that.

 

However I decided, impulsively, to message him that I wish he "would have just been honest with me" and that I didn't expect a reply, only that I thought he should see that. I immediately regretted it. He's the dumper so he had been thinking of doing this for some time, and I am not in his head - how would I know he's dealing with the breakup? Maybe he was honest at the time?

 

Either way, in that impulsive moment, I felt that if he really cared, how in the world could he be dating so soon?

 

I didn't send any other messages after that, though I wondered if I should have. Just leaving it be.

 

Thoughts?

[SummerSkies]

Sigh. Changed my mind. Simply told him it wasn't fair for me to say what I said in that last message or to even send it. That's all it said. It will be the last one I send to him. It was a mistake to look on there.

[SummerSkies]

Oh man I feel awful. Not one of my finest moments. Anyone?

 

This worries me more than past relationships that just simply ended badly or had devolved into something toxic. Because at least with those, I know to just leave. How can I trust again knowing someone can seemingly care for me, everything is seemingly going so well and wonderful, and it suddenly ends and it turns out he never had strong feelings for me after all? How can I trust anyone romantically? Feeling really heartbroken.

Edited July 16, 2015 by SummerSkies

[lana-banana]

First of all, relax. If sending two messages on a dating site is the craziest interaction you ever have with an ex, you're ahead of 100% of humanity. Block him and get ready for your first full day of NC.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting, but your trust shouldn't be damaged from this experience. Your ex was not a manipulative, two-faced liar. It was obvious he had reservations about your relationship and ultimately decided you weren't a good fit. He ended it in a respectful way rather than leading you on. It's basically the golden ideal of breakups, short of both magically meeting your true loves on the same day and cutting to a double-wedding.

 

Take heart in this: you'll both find someone better for you and be much happier for it. And the sooner you start the work of active healing, the sooner you can be ready for the real Mr. Right.

[SummerSkies]

Thank you lana-banana. It's just still so hard to wrap my mind around this. How can someone who so seemed to be the real Mr. Right end up being the wrong one?

 

I sent him one last message, really it will be the last. I said that when you see someone who left you on a dating site so soon, it's hard not to imagine that you and the relationship ultimately meant so little, and I reacted impulsively. And told him that was the last message I'm sending.

 

Bright side: Maybe this will ultimately help me accept he's gone for good. Still, it hurts so much.

[lana-banana]

Thank you lana-banana. It's just still so hard to wrap my mind around this. How can someone who so seemed to be the real Mr. Right end up being the wrong one?

 

Your sadness over the breakup may be clouding your logical reasoning. How did this guy seem to be Mr. Right at all? He didn't promise you the moon. He didn't talk about engagement, children, or a future together. He never even said "I love you". You know the real Mr. Right wouldn't treat you that way.

 

I sent him one last message, really it will be the last. I said that when you see someone who left you on a dating site so soon, it's hard not to imagine that you and the relationship ultimately meant so little, and I reacted impulsively. And told him that was the last message I'm sending.

 

It may feel soon because the breakup itself was recent, but think about the last time you dumped someone. You didn't do it overnight, did you? You probably spent a few weeks if not months mentally distancing yourself from the relationship, wondering about your future and weighing the pros and cons. By the time you said "I want to break up" you'd already mentally broken up long before. Just because he's on a dating site now doesn't mean your relationship meant nothing to him. He's just already through the separation process and moved on.

 

For future reference, when you say things like "this is my last message", it doesn't make you sound more determined or give you power back. It just makes you sound very desperate. You should have blocked him after the first two messages. I hope you've blocked him now for your own sake.

 

Be proud of yourself. This sounds like a healthy relationship that ended in a healthy way. All you have to do now is turn around and take care of yourself.

[BriNyc82]

I feel for both of you!! My guy also just bailed literally overnight (at least to me). It was a healthy respectful relationship (I use the term loosely). While my guy wasn't married either he certainly had baggage and he was also petrified to get in another relationship bc of what happened with his ex. He said he associates relationships now wth pain. He wasn't able to go all in with me and he needed to fix himself. He tried to be the nice guy and thought I would take it lying down but i fought tooth and nail bc I couldn't understand how someone can let someone they care about go so easily.

 

Mind you, he always made the fact that he wasn't ready for a relationship about him and specifically said it wasn't about him wanting to see other people. Stupid me actually thought he had issues (which I think he does to a certain degree) but when I saw him just 6 weeks after on a dating app I called him out on it. Similar to you summer!!! He freaked out on me and got all pissed. His response was "wtf do you want me to live under a rock". Um. I definitely regret reaching out. But I wanted him to know that I was on to him and didn't want him to get away with trying to end this and be the good guy. I've been struggling with what we had was even real. I'm a mess. I'm so confused and trying to use my anger to get over this. But he neverrrrr treated me poorly when we were together. It's like that night that we got the closest he had to just end it. All I wanted was some honesty. He still claims that he was honest with me the whole time. Which makes no sense.

 

anyway long story short these guys are a mess. They don't know what they want. Doesn't seem like they have healthy boundaries or a sense of self. You both deserve someone who will commit and be excited about it! I know how hard this is. But we can do this!!!!

[SummerSkies]

Thanks you guys. Thought I'd update that I'm doing much better right now. Over the weekend, I wrote out some things to read if I start feeling low. I have a much better outlook and attitude right now, and it will only get better. I'm currently working on letting go of any lingering hope that he may change his mind. But I realized today I didn't cry, and I mostly feel like my normal self. I know this can come and go in cycles during the grieving process, but I think I am pushing my way through making progress emotionally and mentally. It helps to focus on myself, redirect thoughts away from him when they pop up and to realize all the reasons, what its and everything ultimately don't matter: he left, bottom line. Oh, and I haven't been in contact with him at all since that time last week.

 

I've tried to analyze, just so I can learn something from this, if there might have been something I can do different for the next relationship. There were a couple things I see in myself as shortcomings, but I don't think they would have been factors if he had developed stronger feelings in the first place (and I have no way of knowing if they even factored in for him, which it doesn't seem like that's the case). So I'm going to let it go and stop analyzing it.

 

Do I still love him? Yes. Do I wish things could have worked out? Of course, and probably will for awhile. But I'm going to keep pushing through this. I almost find it kind of weird how I'm working through the grief and not feeling stuck: the last time I was in a relationship, which was about five years ago (I dated between), I was devastated when that man ended it (that lasted just over a year and was nowhere near being serious). And on top of that, it took a very long time to move on. But back then I had much less love and respect for myself, less confidence and felt less whole as my own person. Heck, that boyfriend was actually pretty awful to me and totally not a good match at all. When I look back, I don't think I ever really loved him and I know I didn't like a lot of things about him -- I was just very reliant on the companionship and needed to not be alone. (This is just my own experience.) After that ended I decided not to date for a while so I could work on myself and focus on bettering my life (which I did: got a degree, a career, developed new hobbies). I already knew I did, but I'll take how I'm handling and working through things as a testament to having worked through those issues.

Edited July 22, 2015 by SummerSkies

[BriNyc82]

Thanks you guys. Thought I'd update that I'm doing much better right now. Over the weekend, I wrote out some things to read if I start feeling low. I have a much better outlook and attitude right now, and it will only get better. I'm currently working on letting go of any lingering hope that he may change his mind. But I realized today I didn't cry, and I mostly feel like my normal self. I know this can come and go in cycles during the grieving process, but I think I am pushing my way through making progress emotionally and mentally. It helps to focus on myself, redirect thoughts away from him when they pop up and to realize all the reasons, what its and everything ultimately don't matter: he left, bottom line. Oh, and I haven't been in contact with him at all since that time last week.

 

I've tried to analyze, just so I can learn something from this, if there might have been something I can do different for the next relationship. There were a couple things I see in myself as shortcomings, but I don't think they would have been factors if he had developed stronger feelings in the first place (and I have no way of knowing if they even factored in for him, which it doesn't seem like that's the case). So I'm going to let it go and stop analyzing it.

 

Do I still love him? Yes. Do I wish things could have worked out? Of course, and probably will for awhile. But I'm going to keep pushing through this. I almost find it kind of weird how I'm working through the grief and not feeling stuck: the last time I was in a relationship, which was about five years ago (I dated between), I was devastated when that man ended it (that lasted just over a year and was nowhere near being serious). And on top of that, it took a very long time to move on. But back then I had much less love and respect for myself, less confidence and felt less whole as my own person. Heck, that boyfriend was actually pretty awful to me and totally not a good match at all. When I look back, I don't think I ever really loved him and I know I didn't like a lot of things about him -- I was just very reliant on the companionship and needed to not be alone. (This is just my own experience.) After that ended I decided not to date for a while so I could work on myself and focus on bettering my life (which I did: got a degree, a career, developed new hobbies). I already knew I did, but I'll take how I'm handling and working through things as a testament to having worked through those issues.

 

I think I literally could have written that post and stamped my name at the end (minus the dating part bc i am trying to get back on the horse)! I think for the first time I haven't cried in a day or so. I am slowly getting back to myself. For me, I was in complete and utter withdrawal with being alone again. Maybe I was more dependent on him than I thought.

 

I definitely have learned a LOT about what I want and don't want. I have analyzed this every which way also. I've given myself crying headaches, obvi writing in this forum, in my journal, talking it out with friends and my mom.... I wonder if he truly WOULD have made me happy in the end. Sure I was happy. REALLY happy. But maybe happy for that period of my life. But would I have been forever happy? Probably not.

 

Kudos for the job and hobbies! It's great that you are doing something for YOU. I remember how HARD it was to not contact him in the beginning. So excruciating. Right now I have zero desire to even contact him. Im not hoping he will contact me. I'm still a little angry about HOW it ended. And losing a friend. And thinking who the F is he at his core? I'm mad at myself for losing control of my emotions and not taking it gracefully but I'm only human right?

 

Keep goin girl!!!!!

[SummerSkies]

Thanks BriNyc82, I'm glad you're making progress too. Even if I end up breaking down and crying, as long as I'm (we're) making some progress, then there's a bright side, right? It's good you're thinking about whether you would've been happy in the long run, because it's so easy for many to get stuck on trying to make the immediate pain go away and only focusing on the present.

 

Yesterday was three weeks since we broke up. For some reason I've been missing him extra hard in the last couple of days. I've missed him the whole time, but even more so recently. I did end up crying yesterday and teared up the day before, but then I distracted myself. I actually got a bit angry today thinking how this breakup came out of the blue (seemingly). And part of me still can't wrap my head around it (or maybe it's my heart). But I know these are just the motions of the grieving process. I'm determined to still hold on to the positive attitude and focus on moving forward.

Edited July 25, 2015 by SummerSkies

[BriNyc82]

Thanks BriNyc82, I'm glad you're making progress too. Even if I end up breaking down and crying, as long as I'm (we're) making some progress, then there's a bright side, right? It's good you're thinking about whether you would've been happy in the long run, because it's so easy for many to get stuck on trying to make the immediate pain go away and only focusing on the present.

 

Yesterday was three weeks since we broke up. For some reason I've been missing him extra hard in the last couple of days. I've missed him the whole time, but even more so recently. I did end up crying yesterday and teared up the day before, but then I distracted myself. I actually got a bit angry today thinking how this breakup came out of the blue (seemingly). And part of me still can't wrap my head around it (or maybe it's my heart). But I know these are just the motions of the grieving process. I'm determined to still hold on to the positive attitude and focus on moving forward.

 

Thanks summer! I have my setback moments where I cry or I just want to punch a wall, but I am much better today than I was 2 months ago for sure. It does get better! I am trying to nit pick and find reasons why I wouldn't have been happy with him to justify him not being in my life. I get sudden fits of anger b/c I keep reliving the breakup. I no longer remember how it felt to be happy with him, I just remember I WAS happy and I try to go back in time and I can't feel that happiness. It's all turned into anger of HOW it ended. Who is this guy? The guy he showed me when we were together, or the guy after the breakup? I will never know. I also know that how I acted after the breakup was out of character for me too so maybe it is both........

 

I would say, if you have to cry let it out. It feels a lot better doesn't it? Once I get it all out then its like a sudden wave that has washed over the beach. It's gone, and I feel some relief. Let the sadness go.

[BriNyc82]

Men are cunts

Move on and don't let him string you along

 

Men know what they want and will go for it....he's just using a cop out excuse

 

Learn and grow from this

 

There is no more stringing along. It's completely done. I have found that men (or boys, rather) will always use the path of least resistance. Whatever is easiest for THEM is what they do. Whatever makes THEM feel better or less guilty is their approach. At the end of the day he is the one who has to struggle living like that. Not me. I am over HIM, but I am just petrified that if I like someone again this will happen again.

[unsaved]

Summerskies,

 

After reading your original post, I am in a VERY similar situation to you, although obviously different men and details.

 

My boyfriend of over a year had been divorced from a woman he was with since he was 19. They separated/divorced when he was 34. He is 37 now. So, they had known each other and been together for about 14-15 years. I know from him telling me that it was a very long, deep marriage with lots of emotion, time, experiences that he has had difficulty shaking. She ended up leaving him for someone else at the end of their relationship.

 

During the time I've known him (about 3 years), he was always wishy washy with me and always uncertain but told me it was never me. He just "wasn't ready." He strung me along without the relationship title for 2 years. However, 1 year ago, he actually decided to give me a try and we were together. At that point, everything was wonderful. In fact, my guy actually told me he loved me and was very "lovey dovey" with me when we were together! Although, we never spoke of a future of marriage or kids yet. Of course, like you, everything seemed great and seemed like they were moving forward. But, there were also signs and things that probably were red flags. (emotional distancing at times, wanting to be alone at times that were weird, etc.). I just sort of ignored those things and hoped they would get better. And, he told me he loved me so I assumed it would work out.

 

Well, he "out of the blue" (or so it felt) dumped me about 2 weeks ago. He told me similar things to what your guy told you when he broke up with you. "I just don't think I can be with you or anyone. I don't think I'll ever love anyone again. I don't ever want to get married or be with anyone again."

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. He acted as though things were moving forward. Then it was over. It's not fair. We were so compatible. WHY CAN"T HE JUST REALIZE THAT? The thing about these kinds of men is that they have issues still that they just can't get over. And they can't get over it while they are with us. Who knows when they will. My bet is, he got on a dating website to just have ANYONE to fill a void because he probably doesn't like being alone. But I guarantee he doesn't want anything serious with those women either. These guys just can't do it. They're too scared. They're too self-protective. They haven't processed the issues yet. While they stay in relationships with us, they are able to avoid those feelings and issues from the past and not deal with the heartache and disappointment of their marriages and where their lives are now. But, they also don't want to deal with us and our pressure to want to move on! It's a catch22. Sadly, they choose to end the relationship with us and seek out other people to fill that void. But trust me, he won't want anything serious with them either. Once a new girl comes in and starts pressure or wanting him to be responsible for her relationship, he will bail on her too. It's sad, but I'm REALLY starting to see this now with my own situation. It may not ring totally true with you. But I think it might be similar.

 

Trust me, these are still concepts I am trying to come to terms with myself. It's hard because it's like "why did he not want to be with ME?" "What else is he looking for?" Honestly, they're just messed up. Even if my ex did want to be with me, I would always wonder if I was good enough or if I was able to make him happy enough to forget his painful past with his ex. It shouldn't be that way. He should be becoming happy on his own and then be happy enough to give me a great relationship. But he didn't want to. He doesn't want to try right now. There's nothing I can do.

 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm right here with you. My guy didn't want to be with me. His answers weren't clear. I still wonder how this guy is just ok with letting me go and that's it. Someone who truly cared about him and loved him and did anything for him. But right now, they are so involved in their own emotions and keeping their lives safe that they really don't care. Not enough to show us.

 

So, hang in there. I'm right here with you and will talk whenever.

 

Unsaved

Edited July 26, 2015 by unsaved

[BriNyc82]

Unsaved I just need to keep re reading your post over. And over. And over again to remind me that it wasn't me at all. And I know it wasn't even tho I get those doubts of "did he want someone better"? Let someone else deal with their problems. If they had any sense of self they wouldn't have gotten involved with us in the first place. They don't want to commit. But they can't be alone either. Certainly is a catch 22. It's really sad and pathetic. They don't want to be held responsible for anything. Let them figure it out alone.